Apology with comedy

[00:00:00] Speaker A: You all right? Sorry that we didn't actually release an episode for Christmas. I was busy. But as an apology, here is two of my comedy sets. That is gonna be, you know, as an apology, you get two of them back to back. And then next week, I I'm also going to fucking be busy. So you're going to get three comedy sets that I did. And, yeah, then we'll be back after all this hiatus. I know it sucks, but here you all go. Here is my fucking comedy sets. Bam. [00:00:51] Speaker B: Jesus Christ. Tall. So a couple weeks ago, my mom called me just out of the blue. She's like, hey, son, I was thinking about coming down to Colorado. Where do you live? And I had to sit there and tell my mom. I'm like, no, you can't come out. And before you judge me and be like, you're terrible, you're not letting your mom out. Number one, she's from California, all right? I don't need her bringing her wacky ideas over here, making me spend $0.20 on a grocery bag bitch. I can't be having you out here. Just bringing your thoughts out here. And number two is she's an overly cautious driver. She's ten and two, five below, reading all the signs, looking around, looking at her phone, but it's mounted, so she's good. And I'm just like, mom, we drive fast out here. Five to ten over is a minimum. Ask any Colorado out here if there's any tourists out here. Five to ten over, speed it up or pull off their. And, you know, number three is like, my mom's kind of like a stranger. I don't really talk to her all that often. Not that she's done anything wrong. It's just she's boring. Any phone conversations? Like, hey, how are you doing? Good. You? Good. Anything new? No? Okay. I love you. How's the weather out there, flick. And I wish that my mom moonlighted as a dominatrix and whipped men for money, but I know that's not the case at like, I just so badly just want her to do something exciting, but she just sits at home with her cats, watching Hulu with a box of wine, and she's like, this is a crazy night. And I'm like, mom, the only thing crazy about California is you're homeless in your. Like, you live in a wild place. And she tells me, she's like, I'm going to move out there if you're not nicer to me. I'm like, yeah, just move to boulder or something. You got your kind of people up there you can get up to, like, birkenstocks and cats and be wild, go run through the mountains. And she's like, is that where you. I'm like, yes, I live in Boulder. She'll never find me down here. But my mom used to not be that boy. She used to be young and spicy, and she used to date. Oh, breaking stuff back there, I see. She used to date a woman, and that was when she was her happiest. And it was a woman named Laura with cool tattoos, combat boots, and a ragtop jeep. And I loved, like, my mom was my favorite partner she's ever had. And unfortunately, Laura wanted a baby of her very own. My mom had me, and Laura just wanted her own baby. So she went out, know, cure some jizz, which is not hard to can. If you're a woman, you can just go up to a guy, hey, can I have some jizz? And he'll be like, yes. It's like in a turkey baster. Please. It's like, still yes. If my wife is fucking me and she just says the word come. I'm like, every single time. And I love it. It's a trigger word for me. I'm like, oh, yes. Yeah. She's like, come to bed. I'm like, I'm on my way. I love you, babe. She's like, wait, what? I'm like, I already came. Sorry. I fall righteously. She's like, damn it. But back to my mom. But unfortunately, my mom was not a fan of her going out and procuring that jizz because she just ended up fucking the dude to get it. So she broke up with Laura and jumped in a new relationship with God and the catholic church because it had that repressed sexuality and that guilt and the free wine. So she's like, yes, this is everything I've ever wanted. And, son, you're going to come with me. And I'm like, all right, fine, I'll do this. And I'm going to do something you're not going to like. I'm going to pick up your gay cake, don it myself, and fall in love with Jesus. Not like the traditional way, the fully gay way. Because if you really think about it, Jesus is awesome. He's a magical middle eastern carpenter that, you know, is ripped. He knows how to fish. He can turn water into wine. He's hung like this and just like the perfect man. And if he was alive today, I would take him up to Brokeback Mountain and nail the shit out of him. And I feel like he would like it this time. Just don't tell my wife. I don't think she knows what Brokeback Mountain is, but there's just, like, no more perfect men anymore. And how much more time do I got done? Okay. For my time. [00:06:33] Speaker A: All right? And that is a set I did back in last July. Here is a set that I did back in last February about dating crazy people. Enjoy. [00:06:51] Speaker B: Me. Have a view. Me like that. All right, so Valentine's Day is around the corner. How many people have ever dated a crazy person? Just someone that puts on, like, this facade. Like they're a politician trying to get elected. Like, I'll never lie to you or never cheat, never steal, never fuck you over. And then you turn around and you're like, okay, cool. And then you let him fuck. And the crazy just starts coming out. You're like, oh, no, this guy's crazy. Fuck. And your friends and your family will warn you, hey, don't date this person. They're fucking crazy. My mom has warned me about countless girls. No, I'm just fine. She's like, three girls. But she's like, don't date these women. They're terrible. She can smell, like, the desperation and sluttiness on them. And my mom's like, don't date them if you have a dad, your dad will never like your boyfriend. Gay or straight, doesn't matter. Your dad will never like boyfriend. Just get over that. My friends, I've come up to my friends, don't date her. That's awful. She's going to fucking ruin your life. She's going to have a baby with you, and you're done. And my friend's like, no, she's wonderful. And here's the problem, is crazy people fuck like gods. They're so good at it. You all feel it and you like it. Face person like, oh, my God. Yeah, you're right. Fuck like gods. And they're like deaf ears. I don't hear you. La la. And Jersey's like fucking them, and then it just goes haywire. But for those of you that want to know, there are some red flags you can see coming on up. For instance, women. If you have more than four cats, you're crazy. Just get the fuck out of there. My wife has three, so she's like, right on the precipice. But I'm just like, yeah, you're crazy. Another one. If a woman has the Karen haircut and it's like asking for managers everywhere and just being really demanding. All men are evil. All men are bad. She's going to be a crazy one for you. And the third one is if her head game is on point, if she gets amazing blow jobs. And when you're fucking her, she's like, come in me. Just, oh, give me that low. Give me your baby. She get the fuck out of my wife. Never once. I'm like, okay, thank God. At least you're not bad. But I've had a few girls are like, take off the condom and just chisel me. I'm like, no, absolutely not. But be not dismayed women, because I'm about to give some men secrets away. Sorry, guys. If you ever watch a dude play video games or drive, and he just starts freaking out, just throwing the controller, fuck this. This guy's cheating. Piece of shit. Or he's like, just driving down the road, fuck you. You know this guy is going to be crazy. And the second one is, see him over there? Just get ready for me is if a guy's controlling, like, where are you at? Where are you going? When are you coming home? Blah, blah, blah. Like a fucking new puppy. It's like, dude, just stop it. And the final one is if he is a narcissist, always talking about himself like a musician or like a comet. Get the fuck out of there. But that's been my time. I've been Alex Pacheco, thank you very much. Say nothing. It's.