New Years Comedy and Covid

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Alright, everybody, welcome to the Human podcast and I hope you are having a wonderful new year. This week I have three fucking comedy things to release for you because Courtney has Covid and we're just not gonna be able to record an episode. So enjoy these three back to back comedy sets that I did. And yeah, we'll be back next week with regular broadcast. [00:00:33] Speaker B: We don't got Krista because she has to work. Boo. Capitalism. But did everyone have a good Christmas? I mean, I survived. I'm married to this lady here. She has high fancy fucking taste. And so she's just like, hey, what do you got in your wallet? Me rooting around in know buy me more stuff. And I'm like, oh, man, Amazon stock. [00:01:00] Speaker C: Prices are going up just because I'm buying you shit. [00:01:03] Speaker B: It hurts. And what's worse is her birthday is on the first, so I know it's. [00:01:10] Speaker C: Like a week away. [00:01:11] Speaker B: It's like I want to just combine everything and just be like, hey, you know how I've been paying the mortgage? That's your gift. But she will not accept it. They'll just be like, no pb touches for you if you dare try any of that bullshit. I'm like, oh, man, sucks. But I was a good son and I called all my family for Christmas. I called my dad, called my grandma. There's a pecking order. You have to call your grandma first, then your mom and then your dad, and then lie about who got the first phone call. They don't actually check. So I call my mom, and it's the only call she gets from me. All year long, she doesn't get any other calls. She gets a text on her birthday and mother's day. She gets maybe a text, if I remember. That's it. My grandma gets a phone call. Full blown. My mom's like, thanks for ruining your life for me. That was cool. But I call her once a year because she's boring. I have a very boring mother, same as me. She gave me her boringness. I'm just like, oh, man. And I tell her this. So I'm like, mom, I don't call you all the time because you're boring. You just work. She's an accountant. So I'm like, oh, good for you. You work with numbers. What is exciting about your life? And she defends herself. She's like, what? [00:02:46] Speaker C: No, I'm exciting. [00:02:48] Speaker B: I do fun things. I'm like, like, what, mom? She's like, I run a leather and bdsm class. I'm like, wow, mom, that's very cool. I remember losing my virginity, too. That's some beginner level shit. And honestly, I feel like you just want to wear leather and hit people. Good for you. And you forget I'm your kid. I remember you hitting me as hard as you could with a leather belt. Bam. Right on my ass. And I laughed in your face as a child. So you better go hit them battle ropes and get better at the fucking shit you're doing. There's no way that these men are getting hit by you. They're faking it like you do with all your ex husbands. Oh, yeah. You did such a good job. Yeah, I came. I did it. I sure did come. Still dry, but yeah, I came. I'm like, oh, mom. Yeah, that's adorable. I'm like, you know what I'm doing? I'm doing some missionaries. That's like one step above what you're doing. I'm doing missionary and doggy. Trust me, it gets me there. That's all you need. I'm a three bump jump. I don't deny it. I'm married and I'm a truck driver, too. I'm gone all the time. And so I get home and I'm just like, oh, yeah. And I talk that good shit, too. I'm like, oh, yeah. [00:04:26] Speaker C: I'm going to give it to you. [00:04:27] Speaker B: For an hour straight. Three minutes later, I'm like, tossing her a towel. I'm like, clean up. That's awful. I'm sorry. I'll try better next time. How long have you been married, babe? [00:04:40] Speaker C: How many years? [00:04:42] Speaker D: Like, long. [00:04:43] Speaker B: Lifelong. [00:04:44] Speaker C: She's lost count. [00:04:45] Speaker B: That's how long I've been married. Longer than any celebrity ever. Longer than my mom has ever tried to been married. My mom's just like. She has, like, adhd with marriages. She's like, oh, man, I hate fucking being married to this guy. Let's get a new one. And so she has, like, a plethora of ex husbands, and now she's just, like, an old pervert. She's, like, in her 50s, which fucking hurts me because she gave birth to me at 18. I'm like, fuck, I only got 18 years. Come, you're old. And she's like, yeah, that hurts me. Chill. I'm like, okay, cool. But my mom, bless her heart, she has a new boyfriend because her last boyfriend was 30. I'm 32, by the way. And I told my mom, no, leave him. I met this dude and I'm like, I wish I bullied you to high school. I don't know you, but I wish. [00:05:54] Speaker C: We went to the high school together. [00:05:55] Speaker B: And I wish I just bullied you so you'd have some reason. Like, fuck my mom. What are you doing here? She found out that he's irreliable and a loser. And I'm like, oh, thank God. So her new boyfriend owns a house and he's successful, but she met him by going to something called the Dickens fair. Now, I heard that, too, and I giggled. Absolutely. The Dickens fair. Absolutely. And I think my mom didn't know what it was and she just went in with high expectations, like, oh, fuck, yeah, I'm going to get my dickens. And unfortunately, my mom went in and it's like, oh, it's just like an updated renfair. That's weird. And she met, like, some dude there. I don't know his name. I don't care. I doubt I'm ever going to meet him. I think she's just going to move on before I meet this one, hopefully. Or she gets married and then has another kid. God, just having someone in their 50s just have, like, another kid of, like, mom. No. You ruined your life three times. I have two brothers. I'm like, I was a ten pound baby. I ruined it. And make the other two babies come out easy. Just. They slid right out, like it's a water slide. Yeah. [00:07:24] Speaker C: Like, yeah, they came out. [00:07:25] Speaker B: High five the doctor. I feel like that's why she's also into some kinky shit because just everything down here is just like a big old black hole. You're just awful. But, yeah, she went to this Dickens fair and that's where she got this nice little collar that my wife is wearing for my wife. My mom just gets a phone call from me. She pays for my phone, though, so that's my Christmas gift. She pays my phone bill so I don't have to worry about it. Because if she didn't pay the phone bill, then I just never call her, ever. But I do have to go out there and visit her because I'm going on vacation here in June. You all on vacation? [00:08:20] Speaker D: Hundred. [00:08:25] Speaker B: And you came to Colorado Springs? [00:08:28] Speaker D: I know. We could have picked a better place. They like their mom. [00:08:33] Speaker B: Yeah, you better. You can't talk shit about her. She's right here. My mom is in California, so I can talk shit about her. She can't afford to come out here. I tell her all the time. I'm like, do not come out to Colorado. You're just going to date all my friends and you're going to teach them, like, a world of blowjobs. That I don't want to hear about. I don't want my best friends come up to me and just like, dude, your mom can suck dick. I'm like, dude, dude, no. She puts lube in her mouth when she. [00:09:06] Speaker D: I'm like. [00:09:07] Speaker B: And tiny little ice cubes. I don't know what it is about it. And pop rocks. I'm like, ah, please don't. [00:09:13] Speaker C: I don't want to know that concoction. [00:09:15] Speaker B: But, you know, ask my wife later, like, bang. [00:09:18] Speaker D: Can you try that? [00:09:20] Speaker B: Let you use some strawberry lube so it tastes good. But I was like, my mom, stay out of Colorado. And she does. She respects my wish. But I have to go to California because the rest of my family's out there and I'm going to go on vacation. And my mom is like, visit your grandma. She's going to die. And I'm like, oh, mom, that's awful. But that's what old people do. Like, they die. She's like, as old as my house. And my house is very fucking old. It's one that I could afford. My mom's like, no, you don't understand. She's not doing well. And I'm like, yeah, no, I get that. I get the fact that she's very ill and very old. But you don't get the fact that I also am, like, 32 and my back is giving out and I'm a trucker. And I figure I'm going to live another ten years, maybe get to, like, 42, and then just keel over dead. And a doctor will be like, all right, let's do an autopsy. And cuts me open. Just sternum pop tarts and pizza. What the fuck? No blood in here. [00:10:41] Speaker C: Nothing. It's like when someone doesn't do an. [00:10:44] Speaker B: Oil change and it's just like, thick and viscous and it's like, oh, no. Like, my engine's already knocking. I'm like, oh, I wake up in the morning and I'm like, oh, no, I can't do it. And I have to because capitalism wins every fucking day. [00:11:02] Speaker D: Period. [00:11:03] Speaker B: Period. Exactly. But you all came from New Mexico, was it? [00:11:09] Speaker D: Oh, yeah. Oklahoma. But New Mexico today. [00:11:13] Speaker B: New Mexico today. Oh, man. Yeah. I drive my truck to New Mexico. So I know about Raton and I know about Farmington. I've been all over New Mexico. I see their school teams, the school spirits, like, don't mess with us. Like, oh, man, you guys are just awful. But they hardly ever get into accidents out here. We get into accidents for fun. We're like, it's a boring. Thursday evening. Let's crash a car. Today. [00:11:46] Speaker D: David Gamble's. [00:11:48] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:11:52] Speaker D: Period. [00:11:53] Speaker B: Come on in. This is David Gamble. He is a very funny comedian. Thank you. Tahim's coming. Oh, Tahim's coming. Hell, yeah. You better bring me out some yugioh. [00:12:08] Speaker D: Did you just say yu gi. [00:12:09] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. He's a very avid yugioh player that, like, he's like, the best smelling yugioh player around, but. [00:12:26] Speaker A: All right, that was a set that I did back for New Year's. That was the last set I did, and this set is one I did last August, so enjoy this. [00:12:42] Speaker C: How's it going, everyone? Keep going for Trenton. So how many of you were also raised Catholic? I mean, there's a ton of you Mexicans here. My mom raised me Catholic because she just wanted to learn how to guilt trip me and after a while just stopped working. But she would raise me Catholic and steal my Sundays away and be like, hey, son, we're going to go to mass. And I'm like, oh, mass sucks. Because my mom would try and make me feel guilty if I didn't love Jesus enough. If I didn't kneel on the pews without resting my butt on the seat or sing loud enough. She would look at me and I'd be like, mouthing the words, and she'd like, elbow me hard as fuck. I'm like, mom, fuck. I'm like, all right, jesus is king. Whatever. And I hated going to mass every fucking. Like, she'd wake me up on, like, midnight right before Christmas and be like, come on, we're going to midnight mass. I'm like, tomorrow's Christmas. No. I'd fall asleep during midnight mass, and she's like, wake up for Jesus. I'm like, no, dude, mom, that's a dead dude on a stick. Like, what the fuck? He's not a winner. That's almost like gaddafi just did not win. My mom, bless her little soul. [00:14:24] Speaker D: She. [00:14:24] Speaker C: Would always try and make me feel like she took me to watch passion of the Christ. Has anybody ever seen this movie? Thank you. In theaters. This woman dragged me in to watch this crazy snuff film, and she's sitting there bawling her eyes out, just crying. [00:14:47] Speaker D: He's dying for my sins. [00:14:51] Speaker C: And we get out and she's crying and trying to hold it together and drive us home. And I had to be the parent in this moment and be like, mom, God's not real. That was a movie. And the dude that played Jesus has died of, like, God just smote him down it's like, how dare you? That didn't actually happen. And I'm like, it's all fake, mom. And she's like, no, God is real. And I had to just kind of break it down to my mom and like, all right, number one, God is kind of like a controlling, abusive dude. Like, he flooded the world just because people are ignoring him. He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because they were being too gay and having too much fun. I'm like, dude, that sounds awesome. And he killed his son. He's like, hey, son, go over there and just die. I could forgive him and just let bygones be bygones, but nah, just go die, be painful, and be worshipped as, like, a dead dude on a stick. And then I just had to be like, mom, God is kind of like your dad. He's like, he kind of is. [00:16:08] Speaker D: Fuck, God. [00:16:09] Speaker C: I'm like, oh, thank you. Thank you, mom. And the reason why my mom dove headlong into religion, I wasn't always Catholic is because she got her heart broken. And heartbreak does crazy things, but my mom got her heartbroken by her girlfriend who cheated on her with a man in order to get pregnant. I know, like, fucking hardcore. And she kept this deep down, like an irish person. And I only found this out, like, three years ago. I know every time I talk to my mom, I'm like, mom, are you dating a woman yet? She's like, no, I dated some kid your age. I'm like, no. And now I'm gonna have to take my mom after the Folsom street fair and get her, like, a butch lesbian and get myself a little twink while I'm at it. Even though that's my wife right there. That's my time. I've announced for Jacob. Thank you very much. [00:17:12] Speaker A: All right, this next set is something I did last March at Nano 108. So if you're in Colorado Springs and want to come see one of these shows, come on down. Starts at 730, and they usually shove all the comics in the back, but yeah, this is the last set of the evening. And thank you so much, and we'll be back to our regular stuff next week. [00:17:39] Speaker C: Next guy, he drives trucks all over the country thinking of nasty jokes to tell you guys. Everybody put your hands together right now. [00:17:46] Speaker B: Right now for Mr. Alex Pacheco. [00:17:53] Speaker C: Yeah, he's tripping. I don't go all over the country, just New Mexico and Kansas. But where are my poor people at? Make some noise. Yeah, you're all here at a free show. I get know can't afford to go to a real, you know, I'm poor because. And, you know, my wife is over there with pink hair. You see? You know, when I got married, I came in with two things, my penis and some money. And my wife just loves blowing my money. It's horrible because I'm like, hey, babe, I don't have any money for you to blow. You want to blow my penis? She's like, no, get away. Shoot. But I deal with it pretty well, and I have a couple of ways to deal with it. Number one, I just jerk off in toilets. Easy cleanup, no evidence. She doesn't know. She's like, she's taking a shit. No more crispy socks. [00:18:52] Speaker D: I'm like, oh, thank God. [00:18:54] Speaker C: I can wear my socks, like, four days in a row. Yeah, I have a ton of socks. Don't worry about it. She'll jerk off in them sometimes. And my second thing is, I make friends with poor people. So all my friends are poor people. Like all the comics you're going to see. Trenton, come around. Money, please. But I don't have any money because I spent it all on beer and pizza. My advice was like, oh, thank God. I only had $30 to my name. So she's like, one of my poor friends. Hi, babe. But one of my best friends, he moved to North Carolina. He has a little bit of money, but he has five kids. So I'm like, you truly don't have any money. And he called me today. He's like, hey, bud, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm driving a truck. Cool. What does freedom feel like? I'm like, dude, freedom is awesome. I'm going to go home later tonight, get some PB touches because my wife's not going to blow my dick, but I can say she touches it from time to time, and I'm going to have loud fucking sex. I remember hearing you guys have sex, and that's how you can tell someone truly trusts you. It's like when you can hear them fuck, if you see them fuck, it's even better. But that's how I knew my parents loved me. It's like I can hear them fucked a bit. Go to bed. I'm like, mom, it's seven. Go the fuck to bed and listen. I love you, sweetheart. I'm like, okay, mom. And I go to the room, and just like, 30 seconds of. And I just smack. I'm like, yeah, she loves me. Okay, I'm going to be too poor to afford therapy. God damn it. But the best sex you are ever going to have the most disrespectful sex is hotel sex. Just going into a hotel room because you don't give a fuck about the neighbors. Who cares? I paid my $90 to be in this motel six to have some Uga booga fucking pussy sex. Hell, yeah. Bring all the sex with. Pack that up. I'll get there. I'm, like, talking all this shit to my wife. Like, I'm gonna tear it up tonight, and 30 seconds later, smack. And then I'm just done for the night. And then 02:00 a.m.. I wake up to the next door neighbors fucking like animals. But I've announced the checkup. That's my time. Thank you very much. [00:21:44] Speaker A: All right, that's all we got for the evening. If you enjoyed it, awesome. If you didn't, I don't really care. We will be back next week with more fucking funny ass shit. I will be trying at least to get season four of the human podcast all up on YouTube. I will try and release everything. So that way you'll have a YouTube link and podcast link. [00:22:12] Speaker B: It'll be cool. [00:22:13] Speaker A: Hopefully. I don't know. I might record my face. The other girls don't want to be recorded. That's fine. That's cool, whatever. And, yeah, that's it. So hopefully next year brings a whole lot funnier shit. And I plan on a lot better things for the Human podcast. So stay tuned in. Tell your friends or don't tell your mom if you want to disappoint her. And if you're one of my mom's friends that are listening to this, yeah, just know she's a bad person. So that's it. Bye. Oh, and you can follow me, Alex the truck on Instagram and Twitter. I'll try and do more cool shit on Instagram. I don't really give a shit about X or Twitter or whatever the fuck it is, so, yeah, all right, that's it. For real. Bye.