Universe Kitten

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alrighty everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Human podcast. We are back. Yeah. From outer space. [00:00:09] Speaker B: From outer space. [00:00:13] Speaker A: Fucking what? It's a song. [00:00:18] Speaker B: Oh. [00:00:21] Speaker A: No. Now you're back from outer space and I walk in to see you here with that sad look upon your face I should have changed that stupid lock I should have made you leave the key if I'd a known for just 1 second you'd be back to bother me. Oh go now go walk out the door. [00:00:43] Speaker B: That almost sounds familiar. [00:00:44] Speaker A: Oh yeah. No, it's a very fucking popular song. And I know I'm like butchering half the fucking song with like the men in black version that the dog sings. [00:00:54] Speaker B: That's a good movie. [00:00:56] Speaker A: Yeah, the dog, fucking Frank the pug. Like honestly, people that name their animals human names are fucking maniacs. Okay, let's get one thing clear. If you have your, you know, pets name, like if it's like Buck or Rusty, that's fine. Like that, that's name really? A human name. That's a. I was about to say. [00:01:24] Speaker B: If someone names their kid Rusty, they shouldn't be procreating. [00:01:27] Speaker A: Yeah, well I know Rusty. I know both those fucking people. That's real people. I mean they're good people. Yeah, like I know, I know a dude named Zeb. [00:01:42] Speaker B: Okay? That's more respectable than rest. [00:01:44] Speaker A: I mean his full name is Zebediah but you know it's, it's same thing. [00:01:48] Speaker B: Rusty is a common name for orange boys. You'd be surprised. [00:01:51] Speaker A: But yeah, no, that, that's fine. But if you name your, your fucking animal, you know, like let's say Benjamin, this is my cat Benjamin. What the fuck are you doing? And it's like, stop doing that. It's like, here is, you know, my, my dog Brian. No, you're not. Take away this person's dog. [00:02:17] Speaker B: So in the vet world, if you name your pet Jake, your pet is immediately Jake from State Farm. And that is the only way they are addressed. And I knew a Jake from State Farm who was a good golden boy. He fell off a dock and his skin caught on a nail and it like peeled his skin off. And so like the healing process was awful. So he came by every twice a week and he was the happiest boy in the whole world. And he came in wearing a tie and he held its leash in his mouth and he was just so happy to be here. And he was like, hi guys, my life's great. And it's like, okay, I understand that. You don't understand that your skin's dehising but your skin is dehising and it's gross. But here's more treats. Cause you're a good boy. Yeah, medicine is gross. It's disgusting. [00:03:05] Speaker A: But stop naming your animals human names. And, like, it makes it, like, a really awkward story. [00:03:11] Speaker B: No, it's a big story. [00:03:13] Speaker A: Well, no, like, fucking. Oh, I was hanging out with Jake watching a movie the other night. Fuck is Jake? You know, Jake, my dog. I'm like, okay. No fucking like. We have three animals in our house. We have mochi, a cat, goose, a. [00:03:31] Speaker B: Cat, and shy tea, a rag dollar cat. [00:03:35] Speaker A: Also cat. [00:03:35] Speaker B: You said animal. That was very blank. [00:03:38] Speaker A: Yeah, cats. We have three cats. None of them have human names. No human is named Mochi. No human is named Goose. And except for, like, fucking Top Gun, but that's a code name. And no human is named Chai tea. Like, it doesn't exist. [00:03:54] Speaker B: But if it does, food names. [00:03:56] Speaker A: And if it does exist, shoot those parents. [00:04:00] Speaker B: See, we agree on the same thing. [00:04:04] Speaker A: Like, earlier, my wife was, you know, didn't think that I'm a psycho. And I get so as a truck driver, I get people that fucking cut me off all day long. And I think a heinous shit. I think of horror movie level shit to, you know, do to these people. I don't follow through, but I'm glad that the government cannot read my goddamn thoughts because they would arrest me just on the thoughts. It's like, holy shit. Like one of the more mild ones. I'm like, what if you just, like, took him out to a, you know, a cabin somewhere and, you know, made him eat a sibling while the sibling was alive and watching, just, you know, you tie him up and let him starve, you know, let him starve for like, a fucking week to where he's like, you know, ravenous and then, you know, cut off a hand of, like, his sister and then fry it up, you know, fucking put butter, do it right and make it delicious and then put it in front of him and then be like, here you go, eat that. And his sister's sitting across from him watching, you know, her brother eat his hand. Are you, like, writing this down? [00:05:22] Speaker B: No, I'm googling something that I'm pretty sure is not real, so I'm gonna make it sure it sure it's not real. Before I open my mouth, she's like. [00:05:30] Speaker A: Is this already a fucking movie? It's not. It's not something I've seen. It's something I came up with, you know, like, I would think of, like, you know, taking, like, the old fashioned, you know, torture techniques, like, you know, tying someone down and then planting bamboo shoots underneath them because they grow, like, a couple inches, like an hour or something. Crazy fucking speed. And it just pierces them. Putting a rat in a cage on their stomach and then heating up the cage so the rat tunnels out. What? [00:06:13] Speaker B: Nothing. [00:06:14] Speaker A: Was it not real? [00:06:15] Speaker B: It was not real. I wanted to make sure. [00:06:17] Speaker A: You're like, yeah, I am sure that my husband is a fucking certified psychopath now. [00:06:21] Speaker B: No, I was looking up the Russian whatever the fuck it was called now. The russian sleep experiment. [00:06:27] Speaker A: Yeah, that's just a creepypasta. It's not a real thing. [00:06:30] Speaker B: I know, but I didn't know that until just now, so I made sure it wasn't real before I brought it up. [00:06:35] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, that's just called fucking american college. [00:06:39] Speaker B: Creepypasta is a good show. Not show. That's the word that came out of my mouth, unfortunately. [00:06:46] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, creepypastas are just Internet stories. That could be possible. And then they just got, you know, it came from copy pastas. [00:06:55] Speaker B: Wait, is creepypasta just black mirror? [00:06:58] Speaker A: No. [00:06:59] Speaker B: What's the difference? [00:07:00] Speaker A: So it came from. It originated from copypasta? [00:07:04] Speaker B: No. What's the difference between creepypasta and black mirror? [00:07:07] Speaker A: Black mirror is a show. Creepypasta is, like a bunch of fake ass fucking stories. [00:07:11] Speaker B: But it's the same. I mean, is it not the stories? [00:07:17] Speaker A: I'm sure some, like, I haven't. I've watched, like, two episodes of Black Mirror. [00:07:21] Speaker B: So it's just a different social media platform then? That's the only difference. [00:07:26] Speaker A: Well, back in the day, people would send out chain emails with stories, you know, just dumb shit. And they'd copy it and paste it. So copy pasta. So, like, it. Like, you get chain email. I had a fucking million of these in my inbox from way back in the day. Dumb shit, you know? And you'd see, like, the carbon copies, and it's like, boom. Like these thousand fucking people got this, you know, message of, you know, how surely goodness is gonna follow you and. [00:07:59] Speaker B: Are we talking about lucky cat? [00:08:01] Speaker A: No, no. It, like. It was like, no, they're just stories. Like, there's one about how this woman named Shirley was following this boy around, and people are like, why aren't you worried about Shirley following you around? It's like, if I believe in God, then Shirley goodness will follow me. And her name was Shirley Goodness. It's like, jesus Christ. [00:08:27] Speaker B: That's pathetic. [00:08:28] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, no, they were bad. And then some of them got creepy. [00:08:33] Speaker B: And yet you read these oh, yeah. [00:08:35] Speaker A: Yeah, of course. This was the early days of the Internet. I had nothing else to do. Like, fucking porn took eight minutes to load a picture. [00:08:42] Speaker B: Like, was awful. Yes, it was interesting. It was. It was the beginning of a new world, early Internet. [00:08:52] Speaker A: You could watch a fucking video of three guys beating a guy to death with a hammer. You know, there's just like, you know, three guys, one hammer, one guy, one jar, two girls, one cup. Like, those were just on the fucking surface web, but that. This was like years after the fucking, you know, copy pasta bullshit. But then people, you know, started getting creepy with it back. If you don't respond to this in seven days or if you don't, you know, fucking forward this and, like, seven. [00:09:21] Speaker B: Within seven where this came from. [00:09:23] Speaker A: Yeah. And then people got creepier and creepier with it, and then it, you know, became a creepy pasta. [00:09:31] Speaker B: So what does pasta stand for? [00:09:33] Speaker A: Paste. So copy paste. [00:09:36] Speaker B: Oh, because there's an e after the end and people can't read. [00:09:38] Speaker A: No, it's just like a cutesy way of saying it. Like. Like, you know, puppers instead of puppy. [00:09:47] Speaker B: I do not say puppers. [00:09:48] Speaker A: I do. You know, call me whatever, I don't care. [00:09:52] Speaker B: I say doggos, but I'm not gonna say puppers. [00:09:54] Speaker A: Oh, the little puppers. [00:09:55] Speaker B: No, puppers is not a nice sound to make. [00:09:57] Speaker A: I don't like it, but, you know, like, cutesifying a fucking word. So it's like, you know, copy pasta. And it's like, oh, man, I got the copy pasta. You know, it's just like a fucking cutesy way of saying it. And now it's creepypasta and just kind of fucking stuck. The. Like, the, you know, the originators of the Internet were weird. [00:10:17] Speaker B: They were? [00:10:17] Speaker A: Yeah, we were all fucking weird. [00:10:19] Speaker B: It was an uncharted land. [00:10:21] Speaker A: Still is. [00:10:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:23] Speaker A: Now it's just fucking Facebook. And now. Now the Internet's just AI. It's like, hey, let's have AI just fucking spit a bunch of content at you. That way you're distracted and not fucking paying attention to what, you know, the giant fucking bigwigs and corporations are doing. Cool. [00:10:40] Speaker B: Facebook. It's the highest social media platform of false information. [00:10:44] Speaker A: I don't care. I don't get my information off of Facebook. [00:10:47] Speaker B: Oh, I don't either. Sometimes I come across something cool and I'm like, oh, that's cool. And then I researched it, and I'm like, ah, I knew that wasn't gonna be real. [00:10:56] Speaker A: I mean, like, anytime, like, I pull up any of the news stories, I never research them. I'm like, they could be fake. I don't care. Like, there is a news story about Justin Timberlake, about how he was gay. Like, yeah, he was in a boy band. Like, that doesn't surprise me at all. [00:11:13] Speaker B: Who's just in Timberlake. [00:11:15] Speaker A: He's fucking like, was he. Yeah, he was a musician. [00:11:20] Speaker B: Oh, he's a pop star. [00:11:21] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm bringing in sexy back. [00:11:23] Speaker B: Oh, that song. I like that song. [00:11:25] Speaker A: Yeah, it's just Timberlake. I'm pretty sure. Anyway, I could be wrong. See, I don't research shit. I just speak out my ass, which is the best way to do it. [00:11:35] Speaker B: This is how old we are. That song's old. [00:11:39] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, it's not even that old. Like, he was, like, in Backstreet boys. [00:11:44] Speaker B: He was in Backstreet boys. [00:11:46] Speaker A: Pretty damage here. Oh, look, Courtney's here. [00:11:48] Speaker B: Wait, what? [00:11:50] Speaker A: Mm hmm. [00:11:52] Speaker C: Ola. [00:11:53] Speaker A: What's up? Courtney is here, like, uh, 15 minutes into the podcast. That's fine. [00:12:00] Speaker B: I'm sorry. [00:12:00] Speaker A: Yeah, we're just fucking bullshitting. Like, we'll wait 30 minutes and see if she shows up and then she doesn't. [00:12:07] Speaker C: Yeah, sorry. I was eating, and then I kind of ate too fast. [00:12:13] Speaker A: So my wife is now just learning about Justin Timberlake. [00:12:20] Speaker B: He was in NSyNC, but I'm not seeing anything that says he was in Backstreet Boy. [00:12:24] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah, they're the same fucking band, essentially. [00:12:27] Speaker B: I thought Nsync was a dance group. [00:12:29] Speaker A: No, they're both boy bands. [00:12:31] Speaker B: Oh, I thought they were a dance group. [00:12:33] Speaker A: I mean, they dance too, you know, Chris Kirkpatrick, fucking. I don't know. Like, things that say, the only other one I can name, that's cuz eminem fucking rapped about him. But, yeah, I don't know fucking nsync. [00:12:55] Speaker B: I don't know either. [00:12:57] Speaker C: You don't know nsync? [00:13:00] Speaker A: I know of them. [00:13:02] Speaker B: I thought they were a dance group. [00:13:06] Speaker A: And I can. I can, like, I know, you know, a few. You know, the scene from Brooklyn nine nine. Like, you are my fire. [00:13:17] Speaker B: I thought that was Backstreet Boys. Is that. [00:13:19] Speaker A: Probably. It's one of them. Now I have to fight. See, this is, you know, the same fucking bullshit talking out my ass. [00:13:28] Speaker B: No, this is what happens when you're raised without access to Internet until you're in your fucking late teens. I missed out on so much good shit growing up, and now I'm kind of, like. Now I'm kind of like. I could look into it, but, like. [00:13:41] Speaker A: It was Backstreet boys. Holy shit. I want it that way. Yeah, Backstreet Boys was a superior fucking band to NsyNC. And nsync want, like, nsync had, like, bye, bye, bye. And that's like, it. Like, they didn't have anything. They all fucking went apart. [00:14:03] Speaker B: You can't remember anything. But you know their name, so. [00:14:06] Speaker A: Yeah, they were huge. I don't. I don't think you understand how huge I do not. Enormous, like the top two bands in the fucking world. [00:14:19] Speaker B: This is pre or post YouTube. [00:14:22] Speaker A: This is pre YouTube. This is pre Google. [00:14:27] Speaker B: All right. [00:14:27] Speaker A: Yeah. This is a long fucking time ago. [00:14:32] Speaker B: So it's a tribute. Even though you don't remember a song, you still remember the name. Publicity, marketing at its finest. [00:14:39] Speaker A: No, like, when you're like, hey, you know, you're fucking a huge part of, you know, my childhood. It's like, you know, the Scorpions, you know, were a huge part, too. [00:14:53] Speaker B: Like, actual scorpions. [00:14:54] Speaker A: Now, the band. [00:14:56] Speaker C: Aren't backstreet boys the one that did the. [00:14:59] Speaker A: All the good songs? Yes. [00:15:04] Speaker B: Okay. I looked up on Spotify, but I don't want to fuck with my algorithm, because right now I'm really listening to a lot of indian classical, and I've been kind of, like, jumping between that and, like, my favorite EDM playlist. [00:15:17] Speaker C: Okay. [00:15:17] Speaker A: Yeah. German hard rock band. Formed in Hanover in 1965. Jesus Christ. Yeah. When did change? Fucking slaps. Still. It's on my list. [00:15:33] Speaker C: Yep. Bye, bye. Bye. [00:15:35] Speaker A: Yeah. Those in sync? [00:15:37] Speaker C: Yeah. Let's see. [00:15:38] Speaker A: No strings attached was the album. [00:15:41] Speaker C: Yeah, another. They've got another one out. Better place. [00:15:48] Speaker A: What? When was this? Like 20 years ago? [00:15:51] Speaker B: 2023. [00:15:53] Speaker A: What? No fucking way. [00:15:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:55] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:15:57] Speaker B: Remember the trolls? [00:16:00] Speaker C: Because of what's his name? [00:16:03] Speaker A: He was in Backstreet Boys. [00:16:05] Speaker B: No, he was in NSYNC. We just talked about this. [00:16:10] Speaker C: They're. He's. He's NSYNC. [00:16:14] Speaker A: He's, like, the only fuck. Okay, who are the members of NSYNC. [00:16:21] Speaker C: Has had five members. [00:16:22] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Lance Bass was one of them. Yeah. I don't know who like, to two of these guys are at all. Can't tell you. Yeah, I like how Lance bastard fucking bass in the band. [00:16:38] Speaker C: Let's see. [00:16:42] Speaker A: Yeah, no, no one cares about, like, there has been, but, like, at least Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake is the one pillar that is keeping nsync the fuck up. He's it. You know, like, fucking just give. [00:17:04] Speaker C: Boys are the ones that, uh. Did. I want it that way. [00:17:07] Speaker A: Backstreet boys are the ones that did all the good songs. You know, that, like, instinct did. Bye, bye, bye. And that's it. That. [00:17:16] Speaker C: Quite honestly, I haven't even heard any of their other songs. [00:17:19] Speaker A: Nope. [00:17:20] Speaker C: I can't really judge it. [00:17:22] Speaker A: You know, like, gorillas were, like, kind of, like, took over. Like, all that shit. Like, they came out and, like, oh, shit, there's cartoons with your music. Fuck. Okay, you guys win. [00:17:33] Speaker B: Yeah, it was pretty dope. I like their shit. [00:17:35] Speaker A: Oh, they have a whole fucking story. [00:17:38] Speaker B: I know. With, like, the dude on the other planet with a chick and they're dancing and, like, the lilies, whatnot. [00:17:44] Speaker A: On the other planet? [00:17:45] Speaker B: Yeah. Oh, gosh. I mean, I can't help you. Those are all the words I can give you. But there's. It's, like, blue and stuff, and there's lots of laser beams. [00:17:58] Speaker A: The gorillas? [00:17:59] Speaker B: Yeah. With this face and the girl in the lilies. [00:18:06] Speaker A: I mean, noodle, maybe I'm thinking of daft punk. [00:18:10] Speaker B: I might be thinking of. [00:18:12] Speaker A: You might be thinking of something completely different. [00:18:14] Speaker B: I might be thinking something completely different. [00:18:16] Speaker A: Not the gorillas characters. [00:18:20] Speaker B: I think I'm wrong. I mean, I'm not wrong. I'm just with the wrong group. [00:18:24] Speaker A: Yeah. All these fucking people. Yeah. Like, fucking Murdoch and all that. It's fine. Oh, and I do have an update. So apparently I was the biggest villain on Monday, the biggest in the world. So there is a cute little kitten. I saw an adorable little kitten comes bounding up to me at my first fucking stop of Monday. And it's so cute, it meows, makes air biscuits, lets me pick it up, you know, it's clean. I'm like, oh, this is adorable. And I'm like, I can't, you know, have you. But I take pictures to tease my wife with. I'm like, universe, kitten. And I fucking, you know, send it off, and I hear nothing back all day long. And I'm like, yeah, she understood that I was just joking with her. [00:19:23] Speaker B: No, I was at work, and my phone is in do not disturb. [00:19:28] Speaker A: And so I get to the end of my day, and I'm hanging out with one of my customers. I occasionally help them out with shit that needs helping out, but it's pretty quiet over there, and I get blown up on my phone. Oh, my gosh. We're gonna name it this. Oh, it's so cute. You kept it, right? Oh, my gosh. You know, and I'm like, oh, I did not keep it. I left it there. I left exactly where I found it. I'm not taking on additional responsibilities. Oh, my. And she proceeds to try and make me feel guilty as fuck. And then I go and show my. [00:20:10] Speaker C: Buddy, you can't say universe, kitten. You can't do that, Alex. [00:20:14] Speaker A: And then I go and, you know, show my buddy Carlos, who also proceeds to make me feel guilty as fuck. And then I go to my bar, where everyone proceeds to make me feel guilty as fuck. You fucked up. Like you could have had a kitten. Oh, my gosh. [00:20:29] Speaker B: He was orange. He was going to be a long hair. His name was going to be Dijon. Oh, my God. He had white paws. [00:20:37] Speaker A: I do have an update, though. It was somebody else's cat. Cat got. [00:20:41] Speaker B: Oh, really? [00:20:42] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:43] Speaker C: Okay. [00:20:44] Speaker A: That's why I was so friendly. And it was, like, not hissing and running away. It was just. It fucking lived across the street. [00:20:50] Speaker B: Did I have a microchip? Because if it didn't, it could have been mine. [00:20:56] Speaker A: I have no idea. It was too small for a collar and they had just gotten it, and they were fucking very happy to have their cat back. It got out in the morning. [00:21:10] Speaker C: Oh, my gosh. Now. Nope. [00:21:13] Speaker A: So be happy that now there's not a lady that, you know, got a kitten, got all the joy and then got it ripped away with, you know, a cat ghosting her. [00:21:24] Speaker B: There are more than a million cats in the shelter, and this time, please adopt an adult or elder. [00:21:32] Speaker A: Well, I mean, there's no, like, shelters like over there. [00:21:36] Speaker B: Sunset years are good years. I promise. [00:21:39] Speaker A: It is way out in the middle of nowhere. [00:21:41] Speaker B: They're bitter afterwards, but during their sweet as honey. [00:21:45] Speaker A: Yeah, but you got one of them sunset cats that fucking pissed on a. [00:21:50] Speaker B: Couch that you got off the street that probably already smelled like cat piss to begin with because it was on the street. [00:21:59] Speaker A: It did not smell like cat piss until fucking your cat came and pissed on it. [00:22:03] Speaker B: Okay, we couldn't smell the cat piss, but for all we know, she could have smelled cat piss. Cause unless you're using an enzymatic cleaner, you're not getting all the cat piss up. It might smell like it's clean, but it's not clean. [00:22:15] Speaker A: But there is a happy ending. That cat is back home and everything worked out. [00:22:22] Speaker B: But have you learned your lesson? [00:22:24] Speaker A: No, not at all. Like, if I see a fucking clean, healthy cat, that's the other reason I left it there, is cause it was clean and well taken care of. It had an eye booger, but that's it. And it was well fed. [00:22:40] Speaker B: The point is, I cannot trust you to accept a universe kitten, which means the next time I am presented with a universe kitten, it is obviously my responsibility to take it in, and you will not see be notified of it. [00:22:54] Speaker A: This cat, right here, my little mochi, is my kitten. She loves me. [00:23:00] Speaker B: She was a universe kitten. She was found in a Walmart parking lot. [00:23:05] Speaker A: Yeah, but you didn't pick her up. Somebody else picked her up and brought her to the shelter and she came. [00:23:12] Speaker B: Into contact with me. I met her and I knew instantaneously that she was gonna be perfect to be your cat. [00:23:20] Speaker A: And if I did pick up that cat, it honestly probably be given to my friend Jesse. [00:23:26] Speaker B: Because you don't love me. [00:23:28] Speaker A: Well, no, cuz. [00:23:29] Speaker C: Yeah, Alex agreed that like three cat like you shouldn't get more cats. [00:23:35] Speaker B: The point is, Courtney, that if a universe kitten presents itself, you take the kitchen. [00:23:41] Speaker A: Yeah, and this is why women get. [00:23:42] Speaker C: Fucking bogged down to his rightful owner. Cuz shit happens. [00:23:47] Speaker B: If the kitten had a microchip and I taken it to work and scanned it for a microchip, I was the owner. [00:23:53] Speaker A: Then I would have had to take it back. [00:23:55] Speaker B: No, I would have taken it back. Actually, quite honestly, I would have asked Denise if she would because she was gonna be driving down there this weekend to fucking Manassa. [00:24:06] Speaker A: No one goes, man. [00:24:07] Speaker B: She'd be passing through. [00:24:09] Speaker A: Where is she going? [00:24:11] Speaker B: I have no fucking idea. [00:24:13] Speaker A: Cuz if she was going to Texas, she wouldn't be passing Manassa. [00:24:16] Speaker B: No, she was going to New Mexico. [00:24:18] Speaker A: Yeah. You're not passing Manassa. [00:24:20] Speaker B: I don't know. She said she'd be down in that area and I told her where you'd be for comedy. [00:24:27] Speaker A: Yeah, no, just excellent. She would just steal the cat's wake. My cat now. [00:24:37] Speaker B: Her own universe kitten. And she kept it and said his name is now Mary Lincoln Todd. And nickname is a turd burglar because she's a shit. And she'll shove her face in your. She shoves her butt in your face. [00:24:49] Speaker A: Any chance she see, I have my universe kitten and the metal piece fell inside my beer. [00:24:57] Speaker B: Am I going to die? Okay. [00:24:58] Speaker A: Unless you drink it. [00:25:01] Speaker B: So I'll die if I drink it. [00:25:02] Speaker A: No, it's aluminum, you'd be fine. Your body will probably break it down and you'll have like weird piss for a while. I'm not really a doctor. I don't know. [00:25:10] Speaker B: I don't think my body can just break down aluminium. [00:25:13] Speaker A: Can it? Absolutely. [00:25:14] Speaker C: It would probably just pass through, though. [00:25:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Your stomach acid can easily break down aluminum, okay. [00:25:21] Speaker B: No, I've passed plenty of plastic to know what my stomach can and cannot break down. [00:25:28] Speaker A: No, like fucking. The acid in your fucking stomach can easily break down metal. There's a guy that ate an airplane. [00:25:36] Speaker B: What's part of the airplane. [00:25:37] Speaker A: The entire airplane. [00:25:38] Speaker B: I want to eat an airplane. [00:25:40] Speaker A: He ate the entire fucking what? I want it. So. But now I don't feel like a fucking villain anymore. I am done feeling guilty. But if that's what guilt feels like, I have never felt guilt in my entire goddamn life. I'm like, oh, this kind of fucking. I maybe did the wrong thing and left that kitten there. No, he got back home. [00:26:07] Speaker C: Wow. Okay. So you guys shouldn't eat ever do it. It can actually be toxic. [00:26:16] Speaker A: What, eating aluminum? [00:26:18] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:20] Speaker A: Well, yeah, fucking eating too much iron is bad for you. Fucking eating too much fish, eating too much anything. Too much water can kill you. Too much oxygen can kill you. [00:26:32] Speaker B: Oxygen is slowly killing us. [00:26:35] Speaker A: No, it's my brain. Slowly, just, like, swelling, and you're trying to kill itself. You know, unfortunately, the brain's, like, too small, and it's like, I'm gonna expand past these limits and, you know, it's like the Grinch is heart, but it, like, it doesn't grow three sizes. When it does grow three sizes, it's like, yeah, still microscopic. Still fucking playing ping pong in my skull. But I'm a good guy. Except for the fact that I'm a psychopath that we were talking about earlier. But, yeah, we got some news. Fucking stories coming straight out of Florida. Jesus Christ. Ron DeSantis is back at it again. Signs a bill making it legal to kill crack bears in self defense. [00:27:34] Speaker B: Fuck. It's a crack bear. [00:27:36] Speaker A: They made a whole movie about it called cocaine bear, but these ones are black. [00:27:41] Speaker B: So is it a bear on crack? Yes. [00:27:45] Speaker A: So this is a problem in Florida, and we actually. [00:27:51] Speaker B: Bears eat crack. Don't you have to, like, hit it in a spoon or some shit? [00:27:56] Speaker A: No, you can. You can fucking. All crack is. Is cocaine mixed with baking soda to just form it into a crystalline. [00:28:02] Speaker B: I don't honestly really understand what cocaine is. Is it a powder? [00:28:06] Speaker A: Cocaine is, like, a byproduct of the coca plant. [00:28:10] Speaker B: So chocolate, different coca. [00:28:15] Speaker A: So that's, like, the nubs to the leaves. So, like, it comes off the leaves. [00:28:21] Speaker B: So crack grows on trees, essentially. [00:28:24] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:28:27] Speaker B: So if we plant, like, a crack tree in our yard, would it attract all the local crackheads? [00:28:32] Speaker A: It will attract the DEA, which is way worse. [00:28:37] Speaker B: DEA is way worse. Ugh. They keep putting in new laws for veterinary controlled drugs, and it's a pain in the ass. [00:28:47] Speaker A: So. But, yeah, so apparently these bears are finding fucking crack because it does wash up on the beach from time to time, and bears will fucking beg. Oh, yeah, look. And white lobsters what? [00:29:01] Speaker B: White lobsters? [00:29:02] Speaker A: Is that a thing? [00:29:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:05] Speaker A: They're not called white lobsters. [00:29:06] Speaker B: Yeah, they are. That's what the dude who fishes for giant fish said. Jeremy Wade. [00:29:17] Speaker A: Did you just say he fishes for giant fish? He's the river monster guy. [00:29:23] Speaker B: Okay, my brain doesn't work right anymore. [00:29:26] Speaker A: But, yes, you can use lethal force against bears as long as certain criteria are met. [00:29:31] Speaker B: What is the definition of lethal force? [00:29:33] Speaker A: Using a gun. Using fucking whatever gun you want to fucking kill this fucking bear. The fuck dead. A person can use lethal force against a bear as long as they believe that they, their pet, or their property are in intimate danger. And they didn't lure the bear with food or other attractants, including hunt training dogs to hunt bears. And the person didn't recklessly place themselves in the dangerous situation. So white people camping, knock it off. You don't get to go out and kill bears. If lethal force is used against the bear, the person must notify the Florida Fish and Wildlife conservation. Conservation commission within 24 hours of killing the bear, and only commission may dispose of it. It is unlawful to possess, sell, or get rid of any bear or any of its parts. [00:30:28] Speaker B: Well, if the bears on crack, I don't think you want to be eating it. [00:30:33] Speaker A: But yes. [00:30:34] Speaker B: Have you ever eaten bear meat? [00:30:36] Speaker A: No, I'm not that bougie. [00:30:40] Speaker B: I don't think you can buy bear meat at Trader Joe's. [00:30:43] Speaker A: There's places you can buy bear meat, though. [00:30:45] Speaker B: Do you know where? [00:30:46] Speaker A: I'm sure I can find out. I'm sure. I have a website, pretty powerful, google.com. [00:30:51] Speaker B: I don't know if I want to. [00:30:52] Speaker A: Eat a predator, but next story, boater finds $1 million worth of cocaine with bald eagles on it floating, floating in the Florida Keys. So this is why they have the fucking crack bear. You know, laws now. [00:31:10] Speaker B: Bear. Sony Eagles. [00:31:13] Speaker A: No, it's probably for America. Um, these packages were found Saturday when mariners and PR in a private vessel found the packages containing approximately 21 individually wrapped kilos. Fucking leave that the fuck alone. [00:31:31] Speaker B: What did you just say? [00:31:33] Speaker A: Kilos? Kilograms? [00:31:35] Speaker B: No, you say kegs. [00:31:37] Speaker A: What? [00:31:38] Speaker B: It's kegs. You don't say kilo. You say kegs. [00:31:42] Speaker A: Kilos. [00:31:43] Speaker B: Kegs. [00:31:43] Speaker A: We're talking drugs here. Yeah, I'm the drug guy. [00:31:48] Speaker B: I'm in the medical world. We say kegs. [00:31:50] Speaker A: I'm in the illicit. I used to be. [00:31:54] Speaker B: You were? [00:31:55] Speaker A: I swear to God. [00:31:56] Speaker B: Tense. [00:31:56] Speaker A: I swear to God if I haven't. Well, in. In the past. [00:32:03] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:32:04] Speaker A: You know, if you see fucking a kilo of coke on the fucking ground, you leave it the fuck alone. It is a landmine. [00:32:14] Speaker B: You can't pick it up and sell it to somebody. [00:32:17] Speaker A: I mean, fucking, you're gonna have someone come pay you a visit. They're gonna find out real goddamn quick. [00:32:23] Speaker B: So if I get paid in cash for it, do I have to report it to the IR's? [00:32:27] Speaker A: No. So you do have to. You do have to launder the money though. So like, say you fucking stumble across a million dollars worth of, you know, cocaine. [00:32:39] Speaker B: Uh huh. [00:32:41] Speaker A: And you're like, I'm gonna sell this. And somehow you sell all million dollars of, you know, the cocaine without getting caught, you know, good for you. [00:32:51] Speaker C: Now what you do is you. [00:32:56] Speaker B: Buy. [00:32:57] Speaker C: High price stuff that you want new with cash. And then you go and look and you find the items on like Facebook marketplace and stuff. And then you say, oh, I bought it through there. And by the time they ask or something, there's no way there's gonna be records. [00:33:19] Speaker A: Oh, there, yeah, no, like if you come through with a $20,000 car, they're gonna beg, where the fuck did you get the money for the car? If you come through with like, you know, hundred thousand dollar watch, they're good, you know, questions. [00:33:35] Speaker B: Ir's. No, I have a fan. I have a fancy watch. [00:33:39] Speaker A: Because when the place that sold you that watch reports it to the IR's. [00:33:46] Speaker B: Why are they reporting it? [00:33:48] Speaker A: Because they have to pay taxes on that watch that they sold. [00:33:51] Speaker B: Okay, so, yeah, but it's not like. [00:33:53] Speaker C: You'Re gonna show your id or anything for this. [00:33:56] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, you do. Like when you fucking go in and buy a car, you, you know, have to show everything. [00:34:03] Speaker C: Yeah. For a car? [00:34:05] Speaker A: Yeah. For something that cost. Oh, yeah, for like a rolex, you're definitely showing your id. They know who the fuck you are, who bought it. [00:34:13] Speaker B: So if I don't spend the money, I'm fine. Yeah, okay. [00:34:17] Speaker A: Yeah, you can have a ton of money, but if you have a ton of random money in your car, they can do what's called a civil asset forfeiture where they believe that the money is you, you know, ill gotten gains and you just give it over to the police. They just take it. And you now have to prove that that is not fucking from drug money. [00:34:41] Speaker B: How do I. [00:34:42] Speaker A: So receipts, you know, proof. [00:34:47] Speaker B: So like, if you could do is. [00:34:49] Speaker C: You could take out cash and say, oh, I don't trust the bank so much and I wanted a cash, and all you do is just keep that same amount there. [00:34:59] Speaker B: So if I like, got like a bunch of trucks and I sold it, and then I used it to pay off the mortgage. The IR's would be like, what the fuck? [00:35:06] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:35:07] Speaker B: Why? [00:35:09] Speaker A: Because where the fuck did you get, you know, $300,000? [00:35:13] Speaker B: So the government's just mad because I didn't pay taxes on it. [00:35:16] Speaker A: Mm hmm. [00:35:16] Speaker B: So if I pay taxes on it beforehand, do I still get in trouble? [00:35:19] Speaker A: No. [00:35:20] Speaker B: So I just have to pay taxes before I spend it? [00:35:22] Speaker A: Yeah, that's what laundering is. Laundering is fucking your way of paying the government so they look the other fucking way. [00:35:29] Speaker B: Oh, so I just need to find a tax dude who's. Who's, like, dirty, not a tax dude. [00:35:34] Speaker A: You need to fucking own a business. [00:35:37] Speaker C: Yeah. That way you can, like a business. Like, you could lion, say it's a dog walking business or something like that. [00:35:46] Speaker B: I would claim it as a prostitution. [00:35:49] Speaker A: No. Then you'd go to prison. Wait, it's illegal to have prostitution? Yes. In this state, in the country. [00:35:57] Speaker B: What? [00:35:57] Speaker C: But no, it's not. [00:35:59] Speaker A: Except for fucking Vegas. And they have. [00:36:03] Speaker B: I will go be a prost. Then I can claim I was a prostitute in Vegas. [00:36:07] Speaker A: Well, you have to have paperwork for it. And there's a lot of paperwork. [00:36:10] Speaker B: It's like, I just have to prove I lived in Vegas. [00:36:13] Speaker A: You would be a terrible fucking fence. Jesus Christ. [00:36:18] Speaker B: I just want the money, and I want to pay taxes for it so that I can spend it on nice things. Like paying off the mortgage. [00:36:26] Speaker A: Yeah, no, like, there. There's definitely ways that we can, you know, go about, you know, filtering the money through and paying taxes on it. [00:36:35] Speaker B: Yes, but so that's all I need to do. [00:36:38] Speaker A: It would take about, you know, like, the first year, you can, like, launder about 40,000. You know, second year, you can probably launder about 80,000. [00:36:48] Speaker B: What if I just put it into my acorns account? [00:36:51] Speaker A: To your acorns account? [00:36:53] Speaker B: Yeah, acorns. [00:36:54] Speaker A: The fuck is that? [00:36:55] Speaker B: The, like, green thing where you invest money in it? [00:36:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, like, I don't have. [00:37:01] Speaker B: Like, money in it, but I have an account, and they're always like, put money in it. And I'm like, nah, but it's cute. You sent me an email about it. Never. Now they're gonna, like, invest money. You get this so much money back, and I'm like, okay, cool. I'll make a profit of $30 off you. [00:37:18] Speaker A: I mean, you can do, you know, like a flipping kind of thing. [00:37:22] Speaker B: Like a house? [00:37:23] Speaker A: Well, no, like, where, you know, buy, you know, something, you know, in your price range and just be like, hey, I want to get this. Then you go buy that, and then you fucking sell it somebody else for a fucking markup and be like, you know. Yeah, I've been fucking flipping, you know, items off of, you know, this or whatever. [00:37:44] Speaker B: I just want to pay the taxes and then get to spend what's left. [00:37:48] Speaker A: Yeah, that's called fucking owning a business. And so you're. Yeah, you can't fucking, you know, just show up with a million dollars unless, like, you buy, like, how little do. [00:38:01] Speaker B: I have to earn for this to not be an issue? [00:38:06] Speaker A: Um, like, under 10,000. Okay, like, if you find, like, $9,000 of, you know, crack on the ground or cocaine on the ground and you sell it, you're fine. [00:38:18] Speaker B: Like, you'd help me sell it, right? [00:38:19] Speaker A: No. [00:38:20] Speaker B: No. Well, then who do I sell it to? [00:38:24] Speaker A: Fucking pastors, teachers, mothers. [00:38:28] Speaker B: Oh, okay. I could. So I can literally sell it to, like, all the moms at work. [00:38:33] Speaker A: I'd rather you didn't. [00:38:34] Speaker B: I mean, I know, I know. Denise would buy some off of me for sure. [00:38:38] Speaker A: Don't fucking name names. [00:38:43] Speaker B: She would, though. [00:38:44] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh. We're moving on. [00:38:49] Speaker C: So really want her to be going down that path more? [00:38:54] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:38:55] Speaker B: Never she sober when she shows up to work. [00:38:58] Speaker A: And that's all I ever sell to family or friends because they want a fucking discount, then they want more. [00:39:05] Speaker B: My co workers are not my friends. [00:39:07] Speaker A: And there are still people, you know, and then they can fucking blackmail you. And it. The fucking path to blackmail is so goddamn cool. It's crazy. [00:39:17] Speaker B: So I can get blackmailed for selling them drugs? [00:39:19] Speaker A: Yes, but these. [00:39:21] Speaker B: But they bought the drugs. [00:39:22] Speaker A: Uh huh. Yeah. And they can be like, give me more drugs or give me drugs for, like, fucking cheaper price. You know, give me drugs for, you know, give me a kilo for $50. [00:39:33] Speaker B: But, like, I just want to sell it and then be done with it. I'm not going to continue to offer it. [00:39:39] Speaker A: I mean, I used to, but not no more. [00:39:41] Speaker B: You sold cocaine? [00:39:43] Speaker A: Don't worry about what I did. So it's fine. All right, next story, a video captures dueling porch pirates on a race to steal packages outside of Berks county home. So, like, the video is not, you know, here, but over in fucking Pennsylvania, there was two porch pirates that were caught on video racing to steal a package just after is delivered to a Pennsylvania home. And this is over in Sinking Springs. This is insane that now people are shut up with a fucking firework early for fireworks. [00:40:37] Speaker B: My cats are not on gabapentin right. [00:40:39] Speaker A: Now, but this is just sad. This is like, the saddest fucking, you know, thing. Make it legal to kill these people. Make it legal to fucking kill porch pirates. You know, two porch pirates fighting over one package. So they both saw it at the same time. Like, oh, I'm gonna steal it. And they're like, no, I'm gonna steal it first. And what's sad is, like, one of them's a white guy. [00:41:06] Speaker B: How many Porsche pirates can one hoa. Sustain? [00:41:13] Speaker A: Well, here's what you need to do, you know? Here's what everyone should start doing. Fucking have your shit delivered to one of the Amazon boxes. Like, they have, like, secure boxes that you can go to and you have to come pick it up from there. Or, you know, have it delivered to your workplace, like, while you're working because Amazon's so fucking good. You know what day they're gonna deliver. [00:41:40] Speaker B: That's what I do with your birthday presents are delivered to work. [00:41:44] Speaker A: That's fine. I don't care. Like, I deliver all your shit here. I'm just like, yeah, enjoy. [00:41:51] Speaker B: I love it when you get me presents. [00:41:55] Speaker A: Let's see. Oh, but, yeah, here's the fucking video. Let me pause it. That way I can put it up for Courtney to see. [00:42:05] Speaker C: All right, let's see it. [00:42:09] Speaker A: There we go. Boom. There we go. [00:42:20] Speaker C: What is it? [00:42:21] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I playing it. So, yeah. Fucking nice. White FedEx, dude with a beard, you know, shows up, takes this picture, walks away. Two guys get out of fucking separate cars, start, like, fighting each other, you know? One guy takes a potential. I'll fucking throw that pot. Throw the. Throw it at his fucking car. Yeah. This is just sad. This is a sad state of affairs that they're just, like, following around goddamn, you know, FedEx. [00:42:56] Speaker C: Like, you think if I. If I was a Fedek or some type of delivery guy and I noticed people stealing, I wouldn't keep on delivering. Like, I'd call the company, say, hey, there's people following me, stealing me packages. And I would take a picture and call the police. [00:43:13] Speaker A: Yeah, the FedEx doesn't care. You know? Like, the liability is gone. Like, the second that they take the picture, their liability is zero. That's why they take the picture now. That, like, that's why my company forces me to take pictures. Like, the second I take the pictures and fucking submit it to the company, our liability is now zero. So if they get their, you know, tires stolen, tough shit. That sucks for you. Order more, I guess now, you know, if they, you know, capture you on camera and they're like, oh, look, you fucking stole these tires. And then you come in, like, you know, two weeks later to a different tire shop. It's like, oh, guess what? Now they all fucking know what's going on and you're gonna get arrested. But this is just ridiculous. Like, why do people fucking do this horseshit? And, like. But the only good part is, is that black guy gets the fucking package. You know, reparations at least. I mean, he does. He does. Like the white guy picks up a fucking flower pot. You should have fucking just shattered to the dude's windshield with it and just back. Does not matter what was in that fucking package. It is now not worth your entire fucking shattered ass windshield. [00:44:37] Speaker B: The Bundt cake. [00:44:40] Speaker A: What? [00:44:42] Speaker B: The bundt cake. [00:44:43] Speaker A: I don't know what you're talking about. [00:44:45] Speaker B: It's from my big fat creek wedding, okay? [00:44:48] Speaker A: I don't know. [00:44:49] Speaker C: Oh, gosh. That. That was so funny. They put like, a pot in the middle of it. It was hilarious. [00:44:55] Speaker B: Yes. [00:44:57] Speaker A: So. But now I want to watch the. [00:45:00] Speaker C: Last one that came out. [00:45:02] Speaker B: It's good. [00:45:04] Speaker A: But now we got a couple fucking good news stories because I have been slacking off on the good news. So Colorado. A new Colorado law will ban the sale of dental floss, clothes and other household products containing toxic forever chemicals. So, you know, plastics that will just never fucking break down and shit like that. [00:45:29] Speaker B: Micro plastics. [00:45:32] Speaker A: So, yeah, anything, you know, calling something poly floral substance, PFAS. I don't even know what the fuck this shit is. But, you know, they use a fucking, you know, a sting word, like, you know, assault rifle. You know, it's like, oh, it's. It's probably dangerous. It's a forever chemical. And like, that's how they get us. That's how they get the dumb people is they use a fucking buzzword and they're like, forever chemicals. I heard those are bad. [00:46:06] Speaker B: No, it's like the chemicals they put in carpets to make them, like the fire retardant stuff. Like, there's a study talking about like, how it's the cause for the increasing rate of hyperthyroidism in cats because like 50 years ago, hypothyroidism was like something like you almost never saw. And now it's like the second most common disease after kidney disease in cats. [00:46:26] Speaker A: Yeah, fucking, you know, nuka salt. It's fine. I don't care. Start over again. [00:46:30] Speaker B: That's why this shit happens. [00:46:34] Speaker C: Don't we have like, fungus that can, like, break down plastics and stuff now? [00:46:39] Speaker A: Yeah, they're working on it. Yeah, but they have to, you know, come up with strains and make sure, the strain. And then, you know, come up with the best strain. And then, you know, once they do come up with that strain, then they have to fucking copyright it and make sure that no one else can use that strain. And if they do use that strain, they're gonna get sued to oblivion back, which is stupid as fuck, you know, like, they just want to cover their ass and make million. It's like, dude, if you want to fucking create something that's gonna help the planet, create something that's gonna help the fucking planet, you know, put it out for fucking free. Same, you know, thing with the dude that created the water engine, and they got killed mysteriously. You know, it's like, oh, look, I created an engine that works completely off of water and electrolysis, you know, something that's fucking known to actually work. You know, take the water, break it down into its base, you know, things of hydrogen and oxygen, and burn that instead of gasoline. Oh, this works great. Just need some fucking electricity. [00:47:40] Speaker B: Life is the antidote to entropy. [00:47:43] Speaker A: And, you know, you can use a fucking water to chart the engine, to charge the battery, to keep on fucking, you know, burning it, but they don't want to do that. [00:47:51] Speaker B: Entropy is not a bad thing. [00:47:56] Speaker A: But, yeah. So any PFAS treated clothes, backpacks, waterproof outdoor apparel, you know, everything by 2028 is gonna be gone in Colorado. So, you know, cookware, dental floss, menstruation products, ski wax. So I'm like, good. You know, we're fucking taking, you know, a step in the right direction. Cause none of that shit really affects me. I don't care. Fucking make it shittier, I guess. And my favorite story of the entire night. Um, 38 dogs were close to drowning on a Mississippi lake. But some fishermen fucking saved them all. Um, they're all hunting dogs, and they're hunting a deer that had spooked them. And, you know, these dogs are fucking, you know, tunnel visioned. And deer can swim for God knows why. What reason? Like, just make it to where deer can't swim. [00:48:53] Speaker B: No, they're like meese. [00:48:55] Speaker A: Like, but they. Yeah, they can fucking swim. So this deer just fucking got in the water, fucking crossed the goddamn river. Yeah, or across the lake. And these dogs, you know, fucking jumped in after it. And we're starting to get tired as fuck. But this, you know, fishing boat came and, you know, saved all of them. 38 fucking dogs, which is insane. Amount of hunting dogs have, like, have six. [00:49:23] Speaker B: How hunting dog parties can be really big. [00:49:27] Speaker A: Well, I mean, if it belongs to one dude, then, you know, that's usually. [00:49:31] Speaker B: Like three or four dudes, sometimes up to eight. [00:49:33] Speaker A: Yeah, it's usually like six dudes. [00:49:37] Speaker B: I know that from walled America where. [00:49:39] Speaker A: They know it's, it was multiple owners, so. [00:49:46] Speaker B: No, it's a sport. [00:49:51] Speaker A: Yeah, dogs were everywhere. They were kind of swimming in circles. They didn't know what direction to go. Which means the dogs were, you know, dumb boys, but good boys. [00:50:01] Speaker B: No, they're used to other environments, but yeah, they're not Labradors. [00:50:05] Speaker A: They've been in the water for 1520 minutes. But yeah, by the time last one is rescued, is there in the water for like an hour. [00:50:17] Speaker B: I said 45 minutes. [00:50:19] Speaker A: 45 minutes to an hour. Yeah, I like that. Makes me happy that, you know, all these dogs were saved. They all get to go home. [00:50:31] Speaker B: Good doggos. [00:50:33] Speaker A: You know, fuck deer like that. That's the story. Fuck. Dear deer are garbage animals that need to be hunted to extinction. I would not cry a single tear. It's like the last deer in America was killed. Good. Thank God. And then they're going like, actually the fucking deer all came back for some weird reason. [00:50:54] Speaker B: What about the tiny deer in South America that are the size of kittens? [00:50:58] Speaker A: I don't care. Fucking run them over. Kill them all. If they have hooves and no brains, kill them. I mean, we do the same thing with cows. [00:51:11] Speaker B: Yes, I have no respect for herbivores, but they have their place beneath us. [00:51:16] Speaker A: They hooves and no cows undulants. And then fucking child rapists got beat up by the fucking community. [00:51:24] Speaker B: Excellent. [00:51:25] Speaker A: In fucking queens. Goddamn, I love New Yorkers. New York is a great fucking city. Yeah, fuck this guy. I'm not even gonna say his name because he has a really long annoying name, you know, 25 year old dude. But yeah, they fucking, you know, there, there's a reward up for him. The community recognized him, fucking grabbed him, beat the shit out of them. And yeah, the cops came and fucking took him out, man. They should have just killed him though. Just, just, you know, if you see somebody like that, any pedophiles fucking just kill them. Like, no, no one's ever gonna be like, well, you shouldn't done that. No no, 100% kill pedophiles. You know, kill your local pedophile. It's fine. So now on to am I the asshole by inside? Listen, 4260 06:00 a.m. i. The asshole for trading plates with my son at a barbecue after the adults refused to let him have a burger. My husband met some guy last year and we came close with him over the months. He just invited us down for a barbecue at his house yesterday. We brought food as well. We brought enough for twelve burgers, twelve hot dogs, and some extra sodas, chips, etcetera. There are roughly eight adults and probably around twelve kids at the barbecue, not including us and our three kids, 13, nine, and eight months. Our oldest of the three doesn't like hot dogs. He's grossed out by them. He watched a video on how they are made years ago and has refused to touch them since. Dumb pussy. [00:53:14] Speaker B: That's gross. [00:53:15] Speaker A: That's great. I don't care. My favorite is like how chicken nuggets are made and like, who wants chicken nuggets? And all the kids like, yeah, me. I'm like, great. So when he went up to the grill and he was handed a couple of hot dogs, he politely asked for a burger instead. The guy at the grill husband's friend said, nope, sorry, kid, the burgers are for the adults. I tried explaining he doesn't like hot dogs, and the guy kind of shrugged his shoulders. So I asked for a burger right in front of him. And then I had my son switch place with me. This did cause some hang ups. The other kids were asking why he got a burger and they weren't allowed to. However, no one said anything directly to me or my son. Well, this guy has been texting my husband today saying, next time there's a barbecue, I'm not invited. Followed by an lol, like it's a joke. Husband asked why and said that I caused her uproar over a hot dog and said, this is just how shit went at their house. And the burgers are for the adults only whenever there's a barbecue at their place. And there won't be changing the rules to accommodate a lone child. My husband hasn't responded now, and I'm just pissed in general because now I think the guy's a scumbag. It wasn't like we went empty handed with twelve extra burgers, which I personally brought, and asked if my son wanted one. He was gonna have one regardless of what this man says. My husband thinks I should just drop it, but he's literally not defending me or our son here. I'm pissed. Was I wrong here? [00:54:52] Speaker B: Nah, nop. You're pissed off for the right reasons. [00:54:56] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, drop it. You can drop it, it's fine. Just do it again. Like the next time you're there, just be like, just like, don't fucking be brazen about it. I feel. I feel like if you, like, went inside at your table and switch me and then you ate the fucking hot dogs while he ate the burger, you know? But I feel like you went up to the grill like, yo, can I get a, you know, a hamburger? He's like, yeah, sure. And then you're like, hey, switch me, son. And you're like, loud as fuck. If you did that, you're kind of an asshole. You fucking, you know. You know, caused a fucking whole thing. But, you know, if you would have just gone to the table and just quick, you know, switched it real quick and back, boom, everything would have been fine. [00:55:46] Speaker B: Well, are they eating at the same table or the kids food table, separate from the adults? [00:55:51] Speaker A: That's only a Thanksgiving thing. I figured the families would eat together. I mean, it's a new family. Like segregation still a thing. [00:56:04] Speaker B: So one time, a doctor called all of us for, like, a meeting, and, like, one of the things she went over is she wanted us to stop kissing cats because it was like a liability. And I literally had a kitten in my hand. So I looked her dead in the eye, and I picked up and I kissed the kitten. [00:56:20] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, sometimes rules are dumb. [00:56:22] Speaker B: Rules are dumb. And that's a dumb ass rule. And I totally understand why this kid refuses to eat hot dogs. I have also seen that episode, and hot dogs are disgusting. [00:56:32] Speaker A: Hot dogs are great. I will never fucking change my mind on this. I love hot dogs. [00:56:36] Speaker B: I'm not denying the fact that they taste good, but they're still disgusting. [00:56:41] Speaker A: But now on to relationship advice by a throwaway. My partner, 33, male, proposed to me, 28, female, as a joke in front of his friends. My partner, 33, male, and I, 28, female, have been together almost five years. We live together, and I thought we were on the same page about our future. We were hosting a small get together last night with some of his friends at our apartment. The night was going great. Towards the end of it, everyone started talking about relationships and marriage. His friends had been pushing him to propose for a while, so it wasn't a surprise when the topic came up out of nowhere. My partner gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring, and starts a whole speech about how much he loves me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I was in shock and started crying tears of joy. This is something I've dreamed about for a while now. So just as I'm about to say yes, he bursts out laughing and says, relax, babe. It's just a joke. His friends were laughing, and I was just standing there, completely shattered. He hands me this plastic ring, the kind you get out of a vending machine. I tried to play it off and laugh, too, but inside I was dying. I felt so humiliated and hurt. After everyone left, I confronted him about it. He said I was being too sensitive, and it was just a bit of fun, but it wasn't. I've always been serious about our future, and I felt like he was mocking my feelings in our relationship. He knows how much I care about this, and he made it into a joke. The thing is, I don't understand. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset. He kept saying it was just a joke and I should lighten up. I love him, but he's really shaking me. How do I even explain how deeply this hurt me? Has anyone else been through something like this? Breaking up over a joke after five years together feels wrong to me, but I feel so hurt right now. Edit. I know what a prank is. He called it a joke, and I'm describing everything just as it happened. So what are your thoughts, Courtney? [00:59:01] Speaker C: I'm not sure. [00:59:02] Speaker B: I'm not sure. [00:59:03] Speaker C: Alex. [00:59:06] Speaker B: Like, part of me, instantaneous, like, dump him, bitch. He embarrassed you in front of all of his friends, and everyone gets to think it's funny except you and your partner didn't understand how much that hurt. And if you're. And so, like, on one hand, if she's struggling to communicate versus she's communicating, he's not hearing. That's kind of two different things. But if Opie feels like she needs to break up over this, those are really important feelings that is masking other things that have been happening. Like, this is kind of like the string that broke the camel's back type thing. Like, is there other stuff happening in the background of a relationship that she sees and he hurts her and she doesn't say anything about? [00:59:56] Speaker C: Yeah, I'd be analyzing and looking for other red flags. [00:59:59] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:00:01] Speaker C: That you're missing because, like, people have rose colored glasses, and then, yes, when one incident happens and it, like, finally wakes you up to other stuff that happens in the relationship. [01:00:13] Speaker B: Yes. I'm worried that's what's happening here. [01:00:16] Speaker A: Well, I mean, you know, as a, you know, guy that is married, you know, I had to have, you know, my wife ask me to propose, and it's like, eh, like. Like, I don't, you know, take marriage. [01:00:30] Speaker B: That's how you're going to phrase it? [01:00:32] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, yeah. You asked me to propose to you. [01:00:37] Speaker B: And I'm like, no, I asked you if we were ever getting married. I did not ask you to propose. I was like, yo, there's a difference. Between me asking you to propose and me being like, are we getting married or not? There is a difference. I asked you if we were getting married or not, and then you proposed. [01:00:54] Speaker A: I mean, like, what if, you know. [01:00:56] Speaker B: If you'd not proposed? I was going to leave. I invested six years of my life into you. [01:01:04] Speaker A: So, like, what if, like, you're, like, getting ready to leave? Like, babe, wait, fine, we'll get married. You know, like, that. That's. That's also a shitty thing to do. [01:01:13] Speaker B: So there would. Once I said that there was a finite amount of time for you to be prose, and I'd be like, okay, cool. Versus you to propose past that line, be like, okay, now you're just being. You're continuing to be disrespectful towards me. [01:01:27] Speaker A: I mean, I don't believe in marriage. I believe all marriages. [01:01:31] Speaker C: Yeah, but you still got married. [01:01:33] Speaker A: Yeah, fucking. I went to churches, too, and I don't believe in any of them. [01:01:40] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:01:41] Speaker B: So, no, the point is, I asked about our future, and you were like, okay, yeah, I also once said future, and then we got married. It wasn't me, like, begging you to marry me. I was like, yo, this is what. Where our relationship is at. Either we get married or I'm out. [01:01:59] Speaker A: You want to know something awful? [01:02:00] Speaker B: What? [01:02:01] Speaker A: I'm like, yeah, I guess you could use some, like, health insurance. Like, that's it. That. That was my whole thought. [01:02:08] Speaker B: Part of me needing health insurance was part of the agreement. However, if you're not going to marry me, health insurance or not, I was still going to leave. [01:02:19] Speaker A: Yeah, Mary did give you health insurance. [01:02:21] Speaker B: Health insurance is nice, I'm not gonna lie. [01:02:23] Speaker A: Sorry, babe. I mean, you know, PP touches help, but. [01:02:29] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. [01:02:31] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:02:33] Speaker A: Comments, you know? But, like, as a dude, you know, I'm kind of on this dude's side. Like, I see what he was doing, you know, having a joke because he doesn't, you know, why do you want to rush into marriage? Why do you want to fucking. [01:02:49] Speaker B: It's been five years. [01:02:50] Speaker A: So you can do ten years. You know, if you can do ten years and, yeah, do 20 years, I. [01:02:56] Speaker B: Was not gonna open. Blow the dust off. [01:02:59] Speaker C: What that means, bro, most women, and, is that you're comfortable and you don't really see yourself being with this person. You're just comfortable being with them. [01:03:10] Speaker A: Yes, exactly. Be comfortable with them. That way if you want to fucking break up, you know, it's cheap me. If I want to break up, it's expensive. [01:03:20] Speaker C: Yeah, exactly. [01:03:22] Speaker A: So. But, like, point. [01:03:23] Speaker C: They want someone who wants to be with them for the rest of their life. That's what they're looking for. They're not looking for. [01:03:30] Speaker A: Yeah, it's me fucking spending, you know, $10,000 on a gamble that if I win, I just get to keep what I have. And if I lose, I lose half of all my shit. It's a bum deal for men. It's like, why would I ever, you know, want that? But I'm already in it, so. Too late. But. Comments? Let's see what we get. Fossil roll. How do I even start to explain how deeply this hurt me? You did. He didn't care. I wouldn't want to be the punchline in someone else's life. Yeah. What's funny about this? He absolutely knew what he was doing. You know? He. He was being funny to his friends and showing how cruel he could be to you. You know, like. Like everyone is just fucking raking the boyfriend over the coals. And it's like, I. I want, you know, Opie to fucking go have a conversation, you know, with her boyfriend. [01:04:39] Speaker C: Oh, no, I remember. I read this one before. [01:04:47] Speaker A: What? This one I'm reading. [01:04:48] Speaker C: Honestly, when you were reading it, sometimes the weight of. Sorry. Give me 1 second. Sometimes the way you read it, it just, like, zones. I zone out a little bit once in a while. I can't help it. Sometimes just the cadence. It's the cadence sometimes of the way you read it. [01:05:06] Speaker A: Wow. This is really abusive and callous behavior. He knew it would hurt and humiliate you, and he did it to keep you. And I should fucking read books to put people to sleep. Boring fucking books. Just find, like, the most boring goddamn. And just. [01:05:22] Speaker C: You can totally do that. [01:05:23] Speaker A: And then monetize it and just be like. And then, you know. [01:05:27] Speaker C: People do that already. [01:05:28] Speaker A: No, no. Like that. They read books for you to be able to listen to them. [01:05:34] Speaker C: I know they're specifically like. It's called. Let's see. I followed it once. [01:05:41] Speaker A: I swear to God, if this is already a thing where people read fucking books boringly to put you to sleep. Yeah, I'm going to be upset that I'm a fucking hack piece of shit. [01:05:57] Speaker C: Yeah, it's. Oh, it's. It's. There's a few of them. It's. This one's a sleepy bookshelf. They read, like, different books. [01:06:10] Speaker A: Like, I don't want, like, fucking, like, you know, good night moon to be read to me. I want, like, you know, hey, I'm gonna fucking read, you know, the instruction booklet on fucking Kenworth? [01:06:24] Speaker B: My dad used to read the Karna. The whatever. Book of Narnia to us. My favorite one is Prince Caspian, and the book is so much better than the movie. Fuck the movie. [01:06:34] Speaker A: No, not. Not fucking, like, cool. Like, you know, mainstream books. [01:06:38] Speaker B: Are you calling chronicles of Narnia mainstream and cool? [01:06:43] Speaker C: Yeah, that's one of the ones on Spotify is boring books for bedtime, and one of the boring things that they read is 1912 Ford motorcallers model t instructions. [01:06:57] Speaker A: Damn it. I'm a hack piece of shit. [01:07:02] Speaker C: You're the principles of chemistry. The railway travelers handy book. [01:07:10] Speaker A: Oh, my God. No. I thought this was an original fucking idea. Son of a bitch. [01:07:22] Speaker C: It's not. [01:07:23] Speaker A: Every time I'm like, this idea will make me rich, someone else has done it, and they are still a poor piece of shit. God damn it. I'm fucking subscribing to this guy, though. This is genius. Sorry, babe. You're gonna have to fucking listen to, like, the old fucking model t handbook. [01:07:45] Speaker B: Just wait till you fall asleep, and I'll put on what. I want to fall asleep, too. [01:07:50] Speaker C: Oh, my God. I'm gonna send it to you guys. [01:07:52] Speaker A: Yeah, please send this to me. Oh, my God. You. I don't know who this guy is. You got a subscriber for life. [01:08:00] Speaker C: Boring books for bedtime. [01:08:02] Speaker A: Boring books for bedtime, everybody. You heard it. [01:08:05] Speaker C: Like, there. There's also, like, the 1898 gardener and company seed annual one flower novelties. [01:08:15] Speaker A: It's like, fucking, what happened to Pizza McDonald's? It's a podcast where, you know, guys like, I wonder what happened to Pizza McDonald's? And, like, some of the episodes are just that, where he's like, I wonder what happened to the pizza McDonald's. [01:08:29] Speaker B: Do you ever have it? [01:08:31] Speaker A: Pizza McDonald's? [01:08:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:08:33] Speaker A: No, he did, though. Like, he fucking stuck with us, and he was, like, calling stores, and it was great late. Like, as far as the podcast, it was so low quality. It became good, and it was just like, you know, thank you for your cadence. And they, like, hung up on him, and he's like, hi, I was wondering if you have pizza at McDonald's and, like, pizza. Nah, I ain't got no pizza. All right, thank you for your cadence. And then, like, hangs up. I'm like, what the fuck? And, like, eventually, like, got enough money to, like, go to the last pizza McDonald's place and have pizza McDonald's. It might even still be going on. I think you, like, moved on to some other shit, though. Top notch fucking entertainment for, like, three episodes, and then it gets, like, repetitive. Like, oh, yeah, pizza McDonald's. Yeah, I get it. You can just like skip ten episodes from then on out, but that's it. Thank you all so much for fucking being here. You know, for this horseshit. Next week I'm going to put out a set I did like I just recorded. I'll probably also have this upcoming Monday's set recorded. I don't know, I'm gonna talk about. So I'll have two sets back to back and I'll just have that. [01:10:06] Speaker B: Cuz we're on vacation. [01:10:08] Speaker A: We'll be, we'll be on vacation. If we have time, I will release the episode as normal because we will be in Vegas. I don't know if we'll have time. But that is what you can expect for fucking, you know, next week, you know, guaranteed. So at least you'll get something. Get two fucking comedy sets from me. And they're probably both bad. They'll probably both, you know, make you want to like bite off your tongue and chew it and, you know, poke out your eyeballs and be like, ah, why did I do that? I can still hear his awful voice and I can't see or taste anything. Now this is the worst. But not as bad as hearing this guy's comedy. Fuck him. Alright, I've been on truck peace.