Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Alright, kids, this is like a bonus to the whole human podcast thing. This is that whole set that I was talking about that I was gonna release. It's just one set about fucking spiders and whatever the fuck else, and I'm just gonna release it in its entirety here. Just the audio only version?
[00:00:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:00:26] Speaker A: I'm gonna honestly try to release the normal episode today as well.
I got a whole bunch of fucking fun shit to talk about, and we're gonna be in person for that episode. So it's either gonna release today or it's gonna be released next week. I'm gonna try and do a bunch of bonus content this week, and next week I am on vacation, so it might be sporadic. We'll see what happens. But, you know, with no further ado, here is the fucking set that I was talking about.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: First performer of the night. It looks like it is. Alex. Give it up for Alex, everybody.
All right.
I guess fucking Connor's, you know, sucking on his meat and french fries over there. Yeah, so now you have to shut up. You're not hosting the mic no more. What kind of meat? Fucking, you know, beef meat, I guess.
Yeah, fucking yeah. He's really sorry about fucking making the horse joke, so he's sucking on fucking cow meat. Oh, good job, Connor. Proud of you.
But it's all good, though, so yesterday was Father's day, you know, shout out to all the good fathers out there, do great jobs, you know, also to the bad fathers. I mean, you know, Vegas needs strippers, I guess. You know, Jake, Jason's like, oh, yeah, I remember her.
But, like, me personally, I have a really good father. I like, he's a good dude. He adopted me when I was nine years old. Gave me a good white name. Alex Pacheco. Yeah. Well, that's good. I know. I used to be Alejandro Lopez.
Yeah, I didn't speak any Spanish, which really fucked me up. I'm like, oh, shit, like, mom, why would you fucking be a mexican name?
I don't. I. You know, like, I think the bar sells cigarettes.
They do. Oh, my God. I just need money.
He has 600 million of the money, so I got money.
Hey, don't give him a fucking mic. It's a my set. My verbal masturbation. Fuck off.
Yeah, fucking eat your french fries, fat ass.
Projecting.
I. Yes, I do have a fat ass. I'm fat. That's why I wear dark clothing, same as Jason. But he's just tall. He doesn't want people to see the outline of his big dick.
But, you know, I have a good father, he adopted me when I was nine years old, and so I wanted to get him something really nice for Father's Day.
Hey, Jasmine, do you like this guy?
Should I go home? Yes.
I know.
All right, y'all have a good night. We love you long time.
Have a good night, Alan.
Now he knows how I feel, but. So, yeah, like, I have a really good dad and I wanted to give him something really nice for Father's Day. So I, like, pulled out my phone and I was scrolling through and I gave him a phone call. I'm like, hey, dad, you know, thank you so much for, like, not fucking me up, you know? You know, I could have been in a stripper. And it's like, no, you couldn't. You're fat and ugly. I'm like, oh.
But, like, I could have. It's like, no, there's no shot. You're. You're dumb. I'm like, I love you, dad. He's like, ugh, don't lose this number. I'm like, all right, great.
You know, no, my dad's a good dude, but he would, he adopted me, married my mom, and eventually divorced my mom because my mom took him to the hospital and got his balls chopped off, I think I mean, got him neutered. Something the way that my mom smiled and laughed when she's like, I'm taking your dad to the hospital to get him clipped. And she made little scissor fingers, I'm like, yeah, you're fucking justified in divorcing that bitch. Like, she is crazy.
Exactly. Back there, you know? Don't allow a woman to fucking neuter you. Do it yourself. Just. Just go to the fucking hospital and be like, yeah, I want to inactivate my balls, please. I don't want children. They're expensive.
Like me. Like, I just fucking turn, like, my wife into, like, a dual toaster strudel, you know? Like, there, you know, I don't want this inside you. That's gross. And that creates children. I can't fucking do that to you or me. I.
This guy's like, oh, fuck, I have to leave.
He's like, oh, no.
But I'm like, so, like, like my dad, he, you know, fucking got his, you know, neutered, essentially. And I was the man of the house. And he was always, like, afraid of, like, snakes and spiders. Like, I would like, you know, see a snake, he'd be like, you get away from me, snake. And I'm like, dude, it's fucking non venomous snake. He's like, is it poisonous? I'm like, that. That doesn't fucking track at all. You're not eating the snake, you idiot. He's like, ew.
Like, all right, dude.
And then he, like, see a spider? Squish it. Ew. Get a tissue. Squish it. Like, I'm like, I can take it outside. He's like, no, I want it dead. I'm like, okay, dude. And so, like, I would kill the spider. He's like, you're my hero, son. I'm like, okay, yeah, you adopted me. Like, did you just adopt me to fucking make me your spider killer? He's like, no. I used to have balls before I met your mom, but now they're just in our purse, and I'm like, okay, right, exactly.
I love, like, fucking Jason. Just, like, fucking bored. Just. Oh, my God, I'm just hate him so much. I. It makes me so fucking happy just to see it.
But I. You know, like, all throughout my life, I've never been afraid of spiders. Like, I would be in the woods and I'd see, like, one spider and like, oh, fucking awesome. You're doing what you're supposed to do. Fucking quit looking at your phone. Stop looking at the booty calls.
Is a horse texting you?
It behooves of you to behave.
Hey, it's for horses.
But. But I'd be walking through the woods and I see one spider. I'm like, good job. You did your fucking job. I'd see ten. I'm like, oh, no. I'm like, in the fucking neighborhood of fucking spiders. I'm in your home and I'd fucking leave. I'm like. It's like seeing, like, a bunch of dudes on a fucking stupid fucking walk the other way or losing my wallet. And so, like.
And, like, in my house, honestly, I would see a spider and I'd be like, a benevolent God. Cause I'm, like, a million times its size. And I, like, handed a cup. I'd be like, would you like to go outside? And the smart ones that don't want their Darwin award would be like, yeah, fucking give me that cup. I'm like, boom. You're on a fucking bush. Now kill fucking bugs. The dumb ones would fucking, like, raise their front little legs and be like, I'm gonna fight you. And then, like, boss music would fucking come and I just, like, size 13 boot and just stomp them.
I don't fucking. No, there's no limit. Shut your ass up, zab. There's nothing. We have four fucking people.
Shut up. That's my best joke all night. So we have 30 minutes, pop.
30 minutes? Yeah, we do. I'd stomp them in bed. I'd leave their fucking bodies there. I'd be like, you're a fucking warning to the rest of the spiders. You know, that way they know I don't fuck around. Now I've gotten lucky, and I like every spider I've killed, nothing bad has ever happened. I'm terrified that one day I'm gonna see a giant spider just be like, you know, fuck you. You don't get a cup and just stomp it. And then a million little spider babies just fucking crawl out from underneath my boot. I'm like, oh, shit.
I grab my wife. I'm like, we have to burn down the house. We have to leave. Oh, my God, I. And then, like a year down the road, Charlotte's web is in the fucking corner of my room as I wake up and just, like, remember us. And it's like a million fucking little spider babies just fucking crawl down from the ceiling and just fucking eat me alive while my wife's sitting in the corner of the room. Fucking, bye, carlos.
And she's like, that's what you get for hitting a woman. Believe all women. I'm like, oh, no, babe, save me.
I can't. I'm like, if only these spiders had a good father to fucking teach him not to bite me.
But the fucking dumb bitch mother fucking ate her. Ate him.
And honestly, I have to go back to the beginning. I said, thank God for good fathers that don't teach the fucking spiders to eat me. Thank you. I'm going to take them. Whoo. Okay, audience. Yeah.
That was awesome. Fuck yeah.
