Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: All right, everybody, I am terribly sorry, but there's gonna be no episode this week. I know.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: Boo.
[00:00:08] Speaker A: What the fuck, man? I wanted to hear you rag on the news or on the fucking. Am I the assholes or relationship advice? I wanted to hear your fucking two cent.
That sucks.
But Covid did strike. My wife has the notorious vid, and so she is sitting there fucking coughing, and she won't even give me a blowjob. What a bitch, right? So this week, what I'm going to do is I have endless supplies of comedy. Videos or comedy. They are videos, but I just take the audio out and then present it to you in the podcast to be like, I'm sorry, but I'm not really sorry because I put in no effort.
So I'll give you the set from last Friday where I ate shit bad. It was a dumb set I knew I shouldn't have done. I, like, read it, and I'm like, oh, this is dumb horseshit. What an idiot I am. But I did it anyway. Ate shit. Got a couple of chuckles out of it, but not much.
And then I'll probably give you one of the ones I did in Durango. I'll give you two sets pretty much back to back with me interrupting in between.
And then hopefully next week, my wife stops being sick and we can get back to same old bullshit that your good old friend Alex truck does every fucking right you know. Here is that first set, right? Shit.
[00:01:50] Speaker B: Make some noise for your next comedian. Alex Pacheco gets closer and closer every time you say my name. Pacheco. You're going to get it one day. But I do love my cell phone at t.
But there is one thing I fucking hate about it, and that is the weather app. As a truck driver, I need to have good fucking weather. I need to know if shit's about to hit the fan or if it's going to be good. But it seems like it always just guesses. Like, it's going to be like ten inches of snow then 2ft fucking like a drunk dude. And it's like, oh, there's no fucking way. I just want to meet this person just so I can hit them. And I'm sure it's a man, because just like every man, it's always fucking just wrong.
My mom is like, men are always wrong. And I'm like, oh, fuck, yeah, you're right.
And this app, it over exaggerates on everything. So it's a dad somewhere. I should just call my dad and just be like, dad, are you the fucking weatherman because this app is fucked. And I'll call him up and be like, dad? He's like, no, I'm not the weatherman, but my friend Tom, I'm like, fucking autistic Tom.
She'll be like, yeah, don't call him that, though. He'll get mad and he'll bite your ear off. I'm like, oh, dude, how the fuck did this happen? And he'll be like, well, he went to school and he wanted to be like an astronaut or some dumb shit. So he went to meteorology thinking he was going to learn about meteors. And, yeah, too late. He has his master's. I'm like, took him that fucking long to figure out he wasn't going to learn about space. He's like, yeah, whole three months to get his master's in fucking meteorology. I'm like, oh, fuck.
But I absolutely just hate all these fucking people because I'll be going out on the road. I'll fucking get ready. I'll look at it, be like, okay, it's going to be a sunny day. Fuck, yeah. And then I'll be out there on the road just driving.
This is all I do all day. My job.
Fuck you. They don't hear me. It's fine. Victimless crime.
I can just yell at these people through my windshield. I do all day long. I'm sure my camera in my truck does not have sound otherwise. I've been fired years ago.
But I'll be like, getting up to the chain station and just be like, what the fuck? Chain law. And it just gets worse and worse. And I'm like, the fucking weatherman. Tom fucked it all up. And I'm just pissed off and chaining up. It's like, negative 20. I don't have gloves. I'm like, oh, shit.
Every fucking time this happens, this happened this week multiple times.
Fucking Tom making snowmen, just making them. Tom kicking their heads off.
I'm like, oh, my God.
And then it'll be like, it's going to snow ten inches. And just nothing. I'm like, ready for war.
I'm like, okay, so I just don't listen to the fucking weather reports anymore. But on top of all this dumb bullshit with my weather app, I have to deal with y'all fucking.
Y'all just. Just generally, y'all from, like, these guys, like that cop back there. Yeah, I see you, the beige JJ. I'm talking about you.
Y'all lose your mind the second it starts snowing. You're like, fuck, I don't know. What I'm doing.
Help me. You call your mom and she's like, I don't know either. You're on your own, sweetie. I'm like. You're like, oh, fuck. And you're just like, in the middle of the road.
And I'm like, oh, God damn it. And the only people that are worse than you, fucking people doing 10 miles an hour in the middle of the road, ignoring stop signs, are these jacked up fucking trucks doing 90 on Wolf Creek Pass, illegally passing me as I scream at them through my windshield, wishing the universe would just fucking kill them. But that's been my time, thank you very much.
[00:06:17] Speaker A: And this next set is one that I did last November, I believe, in Durango, Colorado.
I don't even remember what the fuck I said. Apparently there's something about math. I don't know, but yeah, enjoy or don't. That's up to you.
[00:06:36] Speaker B: Next up, let's give it up for Alex Pacheco.
I know I'm up first.
I put third, and then everyone else is a coward, and like, oh, fuck, I don't want to go first. It's scary. No pressure. I know.
Thank you, Carlos. You know, Carlos is like my rock God. He loves rocks.
That's it. But I never thought I was going to be a father. I never wanted to be a father.
But a few years ago, my wife brought three beautiful babies into my life.
They're not humans, they're cats.
There's no way I could be responsible for another child.
People bring their children around me, and I'm like, get that thing the fuck away from me. I'm going to teach it something awful. And the parents like, no, you're not. You're going to be fine. We love having our kids around you because we get a break and I'm like, all right, kids, I'm going to teach you about doing math.
I'm like, your dad and me, we used to do math together, and it started off with wheat, and they're like, okay, come on, kids, let's get away from him. He's a bad influence.
But honestly, anytime I see somebody else with kids, they have their kids. I love my kids. They're so great. And then they'll come and tell me a story. Like my budy know comes up to me, and he calls me Thomas for some reason, won't tell me why. My name's Alex, and he's like, Thomas. I'm like, what's up? He's like, my daughter just peed in my shoes. I'm like, the fuck, dude. He's like, yeah, my daughter peed my shoes. I'm like, how do you know it was your daughter? It's like, I caught her peeing in my shoes. And he has waterproof boots, and so it held all the pee, and so he had to just pour it out in the toilet. I'm like, oh, man, that sucks. What did you do? Did you go get new boots? He's like, no, I'm too poor. I can't afford that. I have children. I'm like, oh, dude, that sucks. So you just walked around in piss boots all day? He's like, yeah. I mean, we used to do meth, so I've shit myself before. It's fine.
I feel bad for my parents.
I was raised by a single bisexual woman.
I know, right? Give it up for her. She's a wonderful woman. And for some reason, she was, like, the happiest when she was dating other women. She was so fucking happy all the goddamn time. She's like, oh, yeah, I'm dating a butch lesbian that has a jeep and a mohawk. Fuck, yes. And then she tortures herself by dating other dudes.
And I'm like, mom, stop dating these dudes. And the last time I visited my mom, I walk in the door and there's, like, a dude my age, like, a 30 year old dude. I'm like, who's this? Like, the pool boy or something?
No, it's my boyfriend. I'm like, get rid of him. He's an idiot. He doesn't know how to eat pussy. None of that.
I will take you down to the gay bar in Sacramento. I know where it's at.
Yeah. You know, as, like, a kind of gay. Like, I get hit on and get free drinks here. No free drinks. It sucks. Connor, give me free drinks. Sorry, baby. Okay, sorry. Connor gives me free drinks all the time. I love him. He's the greatest. I own, like, three blow jobs, and I'm, like, behind on that shit.
I know, right?
He's like, four blow jobs, actually, because I gave you one. It's equal to one rim job.
No, you're straight. Your ass is disgusting.
I already know I have a bidet. It's the greatest thing of all time.
Do you have a bidet? Oh, it's so good.
I do the enema function and the clean function.
It's the best. But I have recently come across some parenting things.
I had to kick my roommate out because he was being lazy and didn't want to pay no rent. And I felt guilty. It was Tron. You remember Tron? Yeah. I had to kick him out. I know, and I felt guilty. I'm like, oh, no, he might die out there. And this is what parents feel like when they kick their kids out. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I hope he's not dead. I'm like, texting him. I'm like, are you okay? He's like, I'm doing fine. And then he got his own place. And I'm like, oh, I'm so proud of him. I'm so glad he's fucking out of here, because now I get to walk around my house naked. I'm like, is this what my mom does?
I don't ever want to just come over uninvited and be like, mom. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. When did you get a dick? Fuck. Oh, no. Jesus, help me.
Yeah, no, I've always had a penis. This is actually a strap on. This is my small one. This is my walking around dick.
And I guarantee you my mom has a strap on. Oh, no, I know because she told me. She tells me everything just to try and embarrass me. You ever have like that where your mom like that, too? Yeah, she's just like, Alex, I'm going to tell you some stuff. I go to bdsm clubs. I'm like, is that it? They spank you? Do they put you on a st. Andrews cross?
And she's like, yeah. And then I go to leather conventions. I'm like, oh, wow, mom, you are down here. You're on, like, baby week. That's adorable.
I'm like, my dad was dating a woman that let her cat shit all over her house.
I know.
Literally, I went over to this woman's house because she had kids, and we're hanging out, and I'm like, this is the most disgusting house I've ever fucking been in. And if this is how she keeps her house, I cannot imagine how she keeps her pussy.
And I'm like, dad, you need to get out of this polygamous relationship that you're in, because I didn't know it was a polygamous relationship.
And so I'm like, sitting over there with her kids, and then the husband walks in the front door, and I'm like, fuck.
Holy shit. My dad's out with this woman right now, and I'm like, this guy is going to probably kill me. He went straight to bed. I'm like, okay, thank God.
But I had to go back and tell my dad. I'm like, dad, this woman is crazy. He's like, yeah, that's how I like him. That's why I dated your mom. I'm like, oh, Jesus.
So my dad is like, on his 8th divorce.
I know, right?
Oh, shit, it's Jason. He's like, snuck in here. Do you come in the like? Jason is like the last man you ever want fucking sneaking up on you. He believes in conspiracy theories.
He's going to come in and whisper some crazy shit to your ear.
911 with an inside job. I'm like, yeah, that was 20 years ago. Get some new shit, but I'm going to give some time for the other people. That's been my time. Thanks very much.
[00:15:08] Speaker A: All right, that's everything I got for this week. I am sorry that there was no real episode where we went over the news, but I figure that little things like this can give you a break. And I might just start interjecting a few of these just into the normal feed if I have a few good sets. I mean, these are probably all awful sets, but you get what you get, and it's honestly free. So do whatever you want. But if you want to follow me, Alex, at truck everywhere, you could message me, whatever, I don't care. You can say, hey, Alex, you suck. Hey, Alex. Never do that it again. Quit podcasting. Don't film the mentally ill shit like that. I don't care. You're not going to bother me.
And yeah, we'll be back next week with some of the same old shit. I plan to get some shit done, so hopefully this is a better year than last year.
