Lying to the DMV

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alrighty. Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Human podcast. In fact, we should just, like, rename the podcast just for mother. Just for mom. She, like, texted, like, me and my wife, just out of the blue. It's like, yeah, I listen to your podcast. I'm like, ah. That makes me feel like I have to, like, watch what I say. What? [00:00:28] Speaker B: I need to send your mom the pictures your dad sent. [00:00:31] Speaker A: No, do not do that. So my dad. Let me put this on the context for you. My dad is. Is moving. I think he got his house keys this last weekend or whatever. I don't know. That's fine. You. You. Do you. It'll be a while before I visit California again. And apparently he, like, just hoarded a bunch of, like, my old shit, like, a ton of old shit from my childhood and then dug it up. Like, I don't know where he kept this, but, like, he's like, hey, here. And, like, sends me pictures of me as, like, a child. Like, the cringy fucking photos of me as a child. And I'm like, yeah, like, don't do that. Like, if you're a parent and you see these photos, burn them, delete them, dude. Like, you can hold on to them. That's fine. You can be like, these are my cherished photos. And then, like, in the will, you can make hand these to his wife. Wife. And then, like, you're dead. So, like, nothing can be done. I can't be like, I'm gonna revive this bitch and kill her again. Nope. You know, now I have to deal with, like, the fact that, you know, a parent is dead and the fact that you're, fucking, like, now. Now your wife is having a really good time. She's like, oh, good. Now I get, you know, an inheritance out of this. This is way better than any money, you know? These are cringey child photos. [00:02:18] Speaker B: Hey, Courtney, do you have any pictures from your childhood? [00:02:22] Speaker C: Yeah, of course. [00:02:23] Speaker A: You. [00:02:26] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:02:27] Speaker A: Have you not seen them? [00:02:28] Speaker C: Have you seen Alex? Didn't my mom make you, like, a book that has pictures from our childhood? [00:02:35] Speaker A: She did, yeah, I've seen fucking pictures of Courtney when she was a kid. [00:02:41] Speaker B: Yeah. I need to find this. [00:02:44] Speaker A: I don't think you actually have the book. [00:02:48] Speaker B: You don't? [00:02:49] Speaker C: Wait, really? [00:02:50] Speaker A: You might actually. Actually. You might. It might be in your closet. [00:02:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:54] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:02:55] Speaker A: Cause I know you have, like, a couple photo albums somewhere. [00:02:59] Speaker C: Yeah, it's a photo album that my mom made with all the photos from our childhood that have pictures of us. [00:03:10] Speaker B: Cool. [00:03:12] Speaker C: Yeah. Also has the one where she almost gave my. Her old wedding dress to you. But I don't know what the fuck happened to it. So it was weird. Yeah, Alex almost had a free wedding dressed, but the wedding dress that she got is really pretty. [00:03:36] Speaker B: It's super pretty. And who picked it out? [00:03:41] Speaker C: We did. [00:03:42] Speaker B: No, you picked it out, remember? [00:03:43] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, I did, actually. [00:03:45] Speaker A: See, like, women pick out shit with their heart. Like, I like how this looks. I don't care what the price tag is. And you vomit in your mouth a little bit when you see the price tag and you go through with it anyway. Men look only at the price tag. Or like, okay, no, no, no. Affordable. And then we're like, can this work? Yes. Cool. Bought, like, bombing. [00:04:09] Speaker C: If it was something for your computer and it was pricey, you would buy it. [00:04:13] Speaker A: Nope, trust me. Like, I. It has to be on a deal. Like, I've been, you know, upgrading this computer piecemeal little bits at a time. Nothing on this computer I've bought. Full price. Zero. I like, the cpu was fucking used from Amazon. Everything, the entire goddamn thing. Most of it has, like, those stupid little, like, hey, you gave this thing a second life. You know? Bullshit. Especially the graphics fucking card. Yeah, like, I'm looking at getting a new graphics card, but they're all too expensive. And I'm just, you know, waiting for someone to be like, hey, yeah, I have a 4080. I just want, like, $300 for it. And then boom. I'm like, really waiting for, like, a mom that has her son in the military, and then he, like, goes over to, like, someplace and gets killed. And then she's like, I'm so good PC. And I'm like, ah, thank you for your service. I just take it for free. You remind me of him. And then, you know, awesome, you know, tragedy, you know, plus me getting a free PC equals good. I don't know how that equation works, but, you know, those are fucking needles in the haystack. And I would love it if that would happen. It won't, because, you know, we see, you know, where the actual violence is. They're like, oh, God damn, Ukraine. That sucks for you guys. Here's money. We could really use some men over here to fight for us. Ah, yeah. But, uh, yeah, Russia, we don't want to get involved, like, in that level. And plus, people might die. So we're gonna stay in Japan where we're safe. And if they decide to get a little too frisky, we'll, you know, show them pictures of Hiroshima and. Or Hiroshima, you know, if you want to get particular and go from there. [00:06:33] Speaker C: Yeah. Like, didn't really know what the atomic bomb did to Japan. And when she was in college, she found out and I guess she, like, broke. Cried a lot. [00:06:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I started crying. I was just like. That was like. It still is one of the most horrific things I've ever seen, heard and read of. Like, it's. We not. We ravaged the earth. Not just the people, the fucking earth. [00:07:02] Speaker A: Well, yeah, I mean, if you drop a nuke, it doesn't hit the ground and explode. They, you know, wait for it to be like a couple hundred, you know, feet above the earth, and then they blow it up and they're like, boom. And then that does the most devastation. There's one dude that survived both nukes. Like, he got back home after surviving the first nuke, explained to his boss what the fuck just happened. And he's like, this crazy fucking nuke. You know? They even have a name for it. A big white light fucking came and destroyed everything. Killed a bunch of people. It's like, that's ridiculous. And then, like, whoo. A second one. Just imagine the luck. Like, God wants you dead and tried to survive the second one, too, just to let y'all know. Survive both of them. So, you know, probably not that deadly back then. Now they're like, 400 times worse. Just to, you know, put it in perspective. Like, the nukes we have nowadays are million times worse than the nukes that got dropped on Japan. [00:08:16] Speaker C: Yeah, it's really sad. They have, like, a thing online where you can, like, drop bombs and, like, it lets you know the damage. [00:08:26] Speaker A: Yeah. And that. That's how you get on a list. That's. What absolute. Do you think the FBI is not watching that list? You know, back, oh, where is this person planning to drop bombs at? You know, like, I can't go on that fucking website. I'm too brown. The FBI, it's. It's not a good time for me. [00:08:51] Speaker C: Well, Alex, I searched for it while I lived with you. So. [00:08:56] Speaker A: Yeah, they probably turned on the camera and they're like, uh, you know, color check. Oh, it's a white girl. She's just morbidly curious because white women are psychos and they just don't want to admit it. [00:09:09] Speaker C: Oh, I can admit I can be psychotic sometimes. [00:09:13] Speaker B: I can be manic. [00:09:15] Speaker C: I think everyone can be actually, like, quite honestly. [00:09:19] Speaker A: I mean, like, uh. Like, men are just, like, straight, violent. Like, we. We are willing to, like, you know, chop you up. You know, women are like, we've been taking care of bloodstains. Since we were fucking 14, we know how to make you disappear. And that. That's the horrifying part of it. [00:09:41] Speaker C: Well, I mean, there you. Before divorce was really, like, a thing that was available. Like, there was poison circles, like, where they poisoned bad husbands. [00:09:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:57] Speaker C: Then they used to trade poison arsenic, some other stuff. [00:10:03] Speaker A: And that's why fucking women got hung. And that's why the Salem witch trials, you know, started. I think they just, you know, they wanted to keep it, like, PG 13. So, like, Salem witch trials, really, it was just like the Salem bitch trials. It's like, how dare this woman, like, not be, you know, sucking, you know, her husband's penis every day, and she's like, it's disgusting. It literally has, you know, when's the. [00:10:34] Speaker B: Last time that dick was cleaned? At that time, that age. [00:10:37] Speaker A: That's the point of the joke. [00:10:39] Speaker B: Oh, sorry I beat you to it. [00:10:42] Speaker A: You know, so, you know, he has a dirty dick. I don't want to put that in my mouth. You know, it's like, your mouth isn't clean either. We don't have teeth. Teeth brushes. And it's like, oh, okay. And then some dude in, like, San Francisco invented the toothbrush, and, like, they have more than one tooth. Oh, my gosh. That's crazy. We only. We only need to brush the one, though. Jesus. I know. Fucking when a joke bombs in front of, like, my autistic wife and Courtney, it, like, hurts more. [00:11:22] Speaker B: It's just. [00:11:24] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh. Like, last night, I was playing video games with, like, a bunch of my friends, and I know I was, you know, just riffing and doing some jokes, and, you know, they've heard some true comedy. Like, they're like, New York, Texas, you know, they're all over and. Yeah, they're just like, who told you that joke? A six year old? And just. They were ripping me to shreds. And I'm like, ah, this is awful. Oh, this sucks the worst. But it was funny because, you know, I understood that, yes, the jokes were truly goddamn awful. And no chance, you know, that I'll be, you know, getting better. I'll try, you know, like, I now have to commit to uploading at least a clip every week of my stand up to Instagram. Like, I just did, like, one clip, and I feel like my mom has, like, a secret Instagram account. Like, I hope she fucking doesn't, you know? And I'm not gonna go looking because I don't want to find something I don't want to find, you know? Like, my mom just has, like, more fucking followers than, you know, most people. My poor wife over there, she's, like, rubbing her eyes. [00:13:05] Speaker B: My eyes so itchy. And now if I don't rub, it won't itch, but I have to rub it. [00:13:13] Speaker A: But so, yeah, now, now I. [00:13:14] Speaker B: What if I pink eye? [00:13:17] Speaker A: Oh, it would have fucking manifested by now. [00:13:19] Speaker B: Okay. Like, you would have gotten it by now. [00:13:23] Speaker A: You would know. [00:13:25] Speaker B: I would know. I've never had pink eye. What does pink eye look like? I only know what it looks like in pigs crusty. [00:13:31] Speaker C: Wait, seriously? So your eyes kind of get, like, all red rimmed and your eyes may get, like, kind of reddish themselves. [00:13:40] Speaker A: No, you do. [00:13:40] Speaker C: And then you have a ton of fucking gunk all over your eyes. [00:13:43] Speaker B: Okay. [00:13:45] Speaker C: Like, basically think of, like, sleepers and, like, sometimes it can make your eyes stay shut. [00:13:51] Speaker B: Yeah, that's gross. [00:13:52] Speaker A: It's, like, so many sleep bogus that, you know, just, like, cross your eyes shut. It sucks. I've never had it, but, you know, I have friends with kids, and for some reason, children love fucking sticking fingers in their butts and then touching their eyeballs. I don't know what it is that this is another. The reason. 500,000,806. I will never have a child. They love sticking fingers in their butts and touching their eyeballs. Like, I thought that would be, like, just some made up fucking shit. Like a fucking seaman's tale of the fucking cracking out and sea. Oh, it fucking duked out of my ship. Nope. Personally saying this, personally, like, not like, you know, the kid singing just like, a fucking kid with pink eye. They can't go to school because they have pink eye. But I did learn something. I did learn a important lesson that I. I have known this one, but I had to learn it again. And that is, it is okay to lie to the government because it's. They don't need your money. It's like, I just got a truck and I had to go in and register the vehicle, and I knew it was going to be expensive to register the vehicle. And I get to the front desk and, you know, the lady is going through all the stuff and she's looking scared because, you know, it's in, like, a poor part of town. It's not like, the nice, ritzy part. It's in, like, the shit bag fucking part of town. And, you know, she takes a deep breath and she's like, all right, sir, you're gonna have to pay the sales tax on this. And I knew I should have just put gift or something, but I wanted to. You know, I didn't want it to be unrealistic, you know, so I put down the amount, and I had to fucking pay it. I'm like, I should just put down gift. I don't know why I didn't put down gift. [00:16:13] Speaker C: No, you still have to pay. [00:16:16] Speaker A: No, I had to pay the sales tax on the price. But if you pay put gift, there's no sales tax to pay. I still have to pay for the registration. Of course. That's fine. [00:16:27] Speaker C: I. [00:16:29] Speaker A: But $500 later, and it's like, f. And so I just paid it. I just smiled, and she's like, well. [00:16:41] Speaker C: The good thing is, like, it's part of your DNB records that you bought it for that. So, like, if there was ever, like, a thing with the insurance company, you would be able to, like, recoup that, like, the actual value of the car. It might help you. [00:16:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I have insurance. Yeah, pretty much, like, you know, so this is how insurance works, is they will go to your area. Like, they'll, like, look for vehicles in the area. [00:17:15] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:17:17] Speaker A: Of, like, a similar make and model to your vehicle and then price your vehicle based on that because they don't want to be like, oh, cool. This guy got a fucking, you know, kia soul, and he paid $50,000 for it. And then ten years later, when they're, like, worth $3,000, you know, the insurance doesn't want to fucking pay you the 50,000 that you paid for it. They want to pay you as little as possible. [00:17:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:17:51] Speaker A: Now if you, you know, bought a Kia soul, you know, you deserve to, you know, lose everything. [00:17:57] Speaker C: Why is it really that bad of a car? [00:18:02] Speaker A: So the Kia soul is the one that has, like, that wraparound back windshield, that refrigerator box one? [00:18:09] Speaker C: Mm hmm. [00:18:10] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. They're terrible cars. [00:18:14] Speaker C: Really. [00:18:14] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, if you're gonna get a Kia, get, like, a fucking sedan or something like that. Get any of those. But the Kia suv's not great, especially a windshield that you have to, you know, pay thousands of dollars if it breaks, and it will break, because we live in a world where people will break your shit. But now I, like, I wish that I would have spent, like, $2,000, unlike the fucking bill of sale. Like, just altered it and just. Yeah, because the dude, like, you know, sold it to me. He's like, hey, here you go. And then gave me, like, a blank bill of sale and, like, of the blank title, you know, other than his signatures, he signed it all and, you know, did all his stuff. He's like, here you go, you can put whatever you want there. I don't care. You know, don't tell me about it. I'm like, cool. And, like, I knew I could have just, you know, put down free, but I didn't. I don't want the fucking person at the desk to call bullshit and be like, oh, we'll call this guy right now. Did you sell? Did you give this car for free? You know, cuz going, like, doing fraud on the IR's, it is not a great look. Like, $500. [00:19:49] Speaker C: Mm hmm. [00:19:50] Speaker A: So I paid it. It's fine. I think I can recoup costs if I fucking go do the, you know, very complicated tax refund. I'm not doing that. I don't care. [00:20:11] Speaker B: What. [00:20:13] Speaker A: You're just like. You're looking like the cats after they get into a fight. [00:20:18] Speaker B: I know. I'm squinting my eye. It's, uh. I'm uncomfortable. [00:20:28] Speaker A: Poor baby. And I have some big news coming up here. In a couple weeks, I have the Dragon man's 32nd annual freedom shoot that I'm gonna go to. So this is an entire day of, you know, going out, checking out guns, checking out gun vendors, doing raffles, going through a museum tour, you know, having, you know, really a good time. And I love going to Dragon Man's. Like, he's, you know, a couple miles down the road here in Colorado Springs and the most armed man in America. So I will have footage of that. Hopefully. If they're like, oh, you can't have footage of any of this. Then I'll be like, okay, well, I guess, you know, I'm not gonna take footage of it, but if I can. If I can take photos of the guns and all that stuff and put it all on my instagram, I will, and I will have a great fucking time doing that. [00:21:33] Speaker C: Have fun with your guns. [00:21:35] Speaker A: I mean, I know you're in California, and you're like, oh, guns are the devil. Because they. They kill. [00:21:42] Speaker C: Do not think that you're so hilarious. [00:21:47] Speaker A: Like, Californians, like, with their gun laws is insane. Like, if you go into a gun store and you buy a gun, like, it'll say, not California compliant, you know, like, here we have weird rules. Like fucking no magazines over 15. Yeah, I follow that law. Wink. You know, like, stuff like that. It's just like. And that. That's my favorite part about this freedom shoot day, is we're gonna have, like, representatives be down there, and we're gonna be able to talk to them, and I'm gonna be like, well, what's stopping a criminal from, like, going just to, like, New Mexico. You know, it's literally right there. You can go to New Mexico, walk into a gun store. You know, you don't need an id to buy fucking magazines. It's not a gun. And you can buy. [00:22:49] Speaker B: Really? [00:22:50] Speaker A: Yeah. No, you don't need an id. [00:22:53] Speaker C: Whoa. [00:22:53] Speaker A: Why would you need an id to buy a piece of plastic? [00:22:57] Speaker C: Oh, that's so weird. Sometimes they have. You do that. [00:23:03] Speaker A: Well, you like, for what? Do you buy guns? [00:23:09] Speaker C: No, but, like, they do. Like, I thought you have to show your id at least to buy certain stuff. Like you would. Like, they. They make you have an id for Nyquil and shit like that. Certain brands of medicine, because they make drugs with it. [00:23:30] Speaker A: Well, I mean, so if I was to go out and buy a firearm, yes. I have to give them all my information. I have to fill out a form where they send it back. And now we have, I believe, a ten day waiting period here in Colorado to purchase a firearm, which is fine. I don't care. I have plenty of firearms at home. So, you know, like, that defeats the point of having a ten day waiting period. It's like, why? Like, why would I go out, buy a gun and then go commit a crime with the new gun? I can go commit crimes to the old guns. I know. Commit crimes with a knife. You know, like, this is the problem that, you know, America doesn't see. But, you know, go ahead and have your waiting period. I don't care if it's the safety blanket that you want. It's the safety blanket you want, you know, enjoy that. I just think it's so fucking waste of time, you know? Like, I feel like, honestly, most gun stores have the common sense to, you know, kind of, you know, see someone going through, like, a bit of a crisis and be like, yeah, give me a fucking gun, man. I need a gun. You know, like someone crying and doing all that kind of shit. Like, they're like, no. And they can very easily say now. I've seen them say now multiple times. They're like, you know, straw purchases, all kinds of shit. Like, they're actually trained pretty goddamn well to spot fucking bullshit. And, you know, gun stores don't just hire idiots. You know, pretty much everyone in any gun store I've ever been to here in Colorado, especially dragon man's very knowledgeable about the guns. And. Yeah, like, if, for instance, like, I was to go into a gun store with my wife, and my wife was to be looking at a gun and then she leaves, and then I go and buy that gun. They're gonna say no. They're gonna say, get out of here. [00:25:52] Speaker B: It looks like you were trying to buy a gun for me. [00:25:54] Speaker A: Yes. That is called a straw purchase. I don't know where it comes from. I don't really care, but, yeah, you can't fucking do that. Yeah, I mean, so, yeah, I'll be. I'll be out there shooting guns, taking pictures, having a good fucking time. Let's go ahead and get into some fucking stories. [00:26:21] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:27] Speaker A: NASA says astronauts stuck in space will not be returning on a Boeing capsule. They will wait for a space X cruise craft, which is a huge win for Elon Musk and fucking all of Tesla and all of his fucking companies, because, you know, they had the starliner, which fucked up, and now fucking SpaceX has to bring home two astronauts that have been stuck on the International Space Station since early June. [00:27:05] Speaker C: Wow. That sucks. [00:27:06] Speaker B: That sucks a lot. [00:27:10] Speaker A: I mean, you know, it's a few months up in space, so, you know, it's not, like years. Like, they. You can only be in space for so long because your bone density or some shit like that happens. Like, I think that'd be kind of fun to, you know, like, be up in space. Like, I kind of, like, wonder, like, who the fuck. Oh, it's. It's a butch Wilmore and Sonny will Williams. You know, I kind of wonder if, like, they're, like, married or, like, dating or something. They definitely are boning up there. [00:27:52] Speaker B: Have to have condoms. [00:27:55] Speaker A: Yeah. Their entire body is in a condom. They have a built in condom. How fucked up would it be? It's like we destroyed the spaceship or the International Space Station. The multibillion dollar station with floating semen. [00:28:18] Speaker B: Ew. [00:28:19] Speaker A: Or you just say. [00:28:21] Speaker C: I highlight. Like, I think it would be something more asinine than that. Like, probably not putting something back the right way. [00:28:34] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, they have to be, like, very thorough. I don't know. I'm not a fucking astronaut. I never will be. And that. That's fine. Like, but, you know, it's like, hey, we're stuck up here, and now we're waiting for fucking Tesla to, you know, come save us. I hope Tesla, like, gives them both, like, a fucking car. You know, just, like, makes a huge fucking spectacle out of it. Like, look, we saved a couple fucking people. [00:29:07] Speaker B: Is Tesla designing cars for Mars? [00:29:10] Speaker A: No. [00:29:11] Speaker B: Huh? That's something they would be doing. [00:29:16] Speaker A: See, I love how, like, the professional world hates Elon Musk. Like, he's not professional. He's childish. It's like, yeah. [00:29:28] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:29:29] Speaker A: So is our fucking president. I love that. Yeah. I mean, it's fine, you know, he owns a very successful fucking company. Um, and you don't fucking go ahead and own a very successful company, and you can be a fucking, you know, a big stiff. You know, go ahead. I don't care. I'm not stopping you. But go. Go fucking do it. Go have a daddy that has, like, fucking minds in another country, and then, you know, start a company. But, yeah, hopefully those guys get back soon or they die. I don't care. Anthony Fauci is back in the news. He is recovering from west Nile virus. I swear to God, like, for a doctor, I like how, you know, it used to be Doctor Fauci this, Doctor Fauci that. Now it's Anthony Fauci. [00:30:31] Speaker B: Yeah. Social media is controlled by the upper echelon. [00:30:36] Speaker A: The escalon. [00:30:37] Speaker B: Escalon. Echelon. I don't know how to say it. I thought I knew how to say it. [00:30:43] Speaker A: Echelons. I don't know. [00:30:45] Speaker B: I didn't. But there's a ch, right? [00:30:50] Speaker A: See, here's my favorite part about the english language. For every complicated word, there's an easier phrase to explain exactly what you're trying to say. So, you know, the upper tier of society, you know, instead of saying upper echelon, you know, the fucking top people. Those people up at the top. [00:31:15] Speaker B: I like using words that I feel are appropriate for my vocabulary. [00:31:20] Speaker A: If I use any word that's, like, over six letters, I'm like, people know I'm fucking fake. Like, oh, oh, look at him. He used the word ambridextrious. Yeah, what an idiot. You're never gonna use that word. Cause you're not. Get our word out of your mouth, you fucking right hander. [00:31:42] Speaker C: Oh, my. [00:31:43] Speaker A: I know. [00:31:44] Speaker C: So I can play baseball with both hands. [00:31:48] Speaker A: You have to. You can't fucking grip the bat with one hand. [00:31:52] Speaker C: Yeah, but, like, there's usually a dominant side. [00:31:58] Speaker A: Yeah, and you. You just play on that dominant side. [00:32:01] Speaker C: I do both. [00:32:02] Speaker A: When was the last time you played baseball, though? [00:32:05] Speaker C: In high school, but I can still do it. It was pretty easy. [00:32:11] Speaker A: Yeah, it's like I hit it right off that tee, and I was so good. [00:32:16] Speaker C: No, we would play at the baseball. This the youth group that I was a part of. We'd play baseball. [00:32:23] Speaker A: We would play at the baseball. [00:32:27] Speaker C: Yeah, at the park. Off of what part did we play at? [00:32:33] Speaker A: Like, I haven't played baseball in years, and I feel like if I just took this 33 year old, you know, shit sack of a body and just slugged it out to a field and started playing baseball, you know, after a few stretches, because I'm not an insane person. Um, I would die, like, immediately die. Like, I would hit the ball and then crumple. It's like, oh, cool. [00:32:58] Speaker B: You. [00:32:58] Speaker A: You hit it to the infield, and it's like, I gave it all. I gave it all my, oh, I'm gonna die. It's like, you're out, sir. It'd be awful. You know, just like Anthony Fauci here, who's expected to make a full recovery. I, like, I don't know how you get West Nile virus out here. [00:33:24] Speaker B: You get it from mosquitoes. [00:33:26] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. It's a mosquito borne virus, of course. [00:33:29] Speaker B: It's so pretty prevalent in the US. [00:33:33] Speaker A: What? [00:33:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:34] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:33:35] Speaker A: I have never known a single person that had west Nile virus. [00:33:38] Speaker B: You haven't? [00:33:39] Speaker A: Never. Oh, I've never had known anybody that had the bird flu. Um, I had chicken pox. Personally, um, I know someone personally that had a brain aneurysm. And, you know, those are pretty fucking rare. But, you know, like, I feel like I would know someone that knows somebody that had, like, Wes Nile. [00:34:08] Speaker B: I mean, we, like, it's not something to brag about. [00:34:12] Speaker A: Kind is. It's like, yo, I know someone that had West Nile. [00:34:18] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:34:25] Speaker A: And the majority of the people with the virus do not have symptoms. Okay, never mind. But about one in five will experience fever along with headaches, body aches, joint pain, diarrhea, vomiting, or a rat. I might have West Nile virus. Holy shit. Like, I have, like, all of these. I have. Yeah, I'm always hot. I have a headache all the time. My body aches. I don't know if it's from 33 or west now. Joint pain. Yeah, I'm 33. Diarrhea all the time. Probably should see a doctor about it. Vomiting or rash? I don't have that. That. So maybe not West Nile virus. I don't have the vomiting and rash. I'm a fucking champion. I'll hold down my beer. Like, fucking. It was made for me. Um, yeah, I don't. I don't know, like, fucking. Anthony Fauci's face is just, like, leathered. Just let him die. It's fine. Like, if people come into the hospital that have no business being alive, let them die. Like, why are you saving like a zombie? Stop it, assholes. Like, if I walked into a hospital and they're like, I'm dying. It's like, of what? It's like this chainsaw wound. It's like, okay, yeah, you have worse problems than a chainsaw wound. I'm like, what? Like, what? It's like, well, you're fat and unfunny, and it's like, what? It's like, yeah, you're. You're. You're an unfunny fat guy. If you want to survive in this world, you have to be a funny fat guy. So we're not gonna see you. Also, you're poor, and, like, they just, like, start roasting me and then, like, I die in the hospital waiting room, and they just, you know, have a squeegee to, like, mop up the blood and just put it to a drain, and it just goes straight to a fucking blood bank. I don't even know what type blood I have. [00:36:37] Speaker B: Oh, I know my type. [00:36:39] Speaker A: I'm sure I could find out, but I don't want to. But, like, I don't. I don't want to find out that I have, like, the most light. Actually, I kind of do want to find out. I have, like, the most life saving blood is, like, we are in desperate need of your blood. Holy shit. Like, we'll pay you, like, a. $100 an ounce of your blood. It's, like, the most rare blood type in the world. I'll be like, who will die if I don't give my blood? It's like, everyone. I'm like, excellent. Let them die. [00:37:14] Speaker B: Cats only have two blood types, a and b, and b is very rare. [00:37:20] Speaker C: Really? [00:37:20] Speaker B: Yeah, a lot. So a lot of clinics who have clinic cats, they will blood test the cats, and if they come up positive for type B blood, well, they'll be used as, like, in clinic donators for blood transfusions. [00:37:34] Speaker C: Oh, wow. [00:37:35] Speaker B: Like, sometimes. Like, yeah, so, like, if a kid needs a transfusion fast, we're gonna use one of our clinic cats. [00:37:43] Speaker A: Do you don't just have, like, a bag of, like, blood? I feel like a cat only has, like, 10oz of blood in its entire body. [00:37:51] Speaker B: You can't keep blood long term. It denatures quick, even if you freeze it. [00:37:56] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, no. Like, do you have to, like, you know, get it? And, like, how often do you do blood transfusions? [00:38:02] Speaker B: So we've done two in the last year. Typically, we send them to the ER because we're not fully equipped for it. Like, we got most of the supplies, and we could handle an anaphylaxis, but we're not, like, experts at it, so we tend to send the ER, but sometimes they don't have money for the ER, and so, well, guess what? We're going to button up our bootstraps. [00:38:23] Speaker A: And get through it, like, in my head. Like, I thought that during surgery, when you cut open a cat. [00:38:33] Speaker B: Uh huh. [00:38:34] Speaker A: You know, to, like, remove its leg or whatever. Like, since it's, like, bleeding, you know? Cause obviously cutting open the leg will make it bleed. You just have to, like, pump more blood into it. [00:38:44] Speaker B: No, you just pinch off the vessel so the bleeding stops. [00:38:49] Speaker A: You just do that? Yeah, just like, turn it off. Like. Yeah, stop that. [00:38:53] Speaker B: No, like, so if you have a vein or artery that's. That's bursting, you just clamp it off. I mean, and you sew it shut. And now it's not bleeding no more. Huh. [00:39:06] Speaker A: That's weird. I don't like that. I like the romanticized idea of, like, a bloody, like, operating table. Yeah. Just like blood everywhere. Fucking doctors. Just covered in, like, a gallon of blood. You know, it's like the fucking doctors and nurses and the. [00:39:25] Speaker B: Some surgeries do get really messy. Like, I've. Like, I've walked out of surgery with blood all over my gown. [00:39:33] Speaker A: Yeah, like that. That's what I imagine. Like, every surgery is like, we need more blood in here. All right, pack up another blood. Squeeze that blood in them. Ah, it's coming out the hole. Oh, we should have probably plugged that hole. That's our bad. Here's another bag of blood. [00:39:49] Speaker B: Yeah. Blood loss is part of it. But you use clamps, you use gauze, you do what you gotta do to get the bleeding to stop, and all surgeries are going to bleed. That's unavoidable. But we get rid of the worst ums. [00:40:08] Speaker A: I mean, like, anytime. Like, I do surgery on myself. Like, I don't bleed that much. I've done two surgeries on myself, ingrown. [00:40:22] Speaker B: Toenails, because that's definitely surgery. [00:40:24] Speaker A: It is. Yeah, sure. [00:40:28] Speaker B: Actually, what is the definition of surgery? [00:40:32] Speaker A: Now? We're getting into the semantics of it, and I love it. [00:40:36] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:40:37] Speaker A: Surgery definition is surgery. Surgery. The branch of medical practice. Shut up. Phone. I'm talking here. The branch of medical practice that treats injuries, diseases, or. And deformities by the physical removal, repair, or readjustment of the organs and tissues often involved in the cutting into the body. [00:41:01] Speaker C: Mm hmm. [00:41:03] Speaker A: A procedure to remove or repair a part of the body or to find out whether disease is present. [00:41:10] Speaker C: Yeah. Cutting or otherwise penetrating the body's tissues. And that's what you're doing when you're removing a toenail. [00:41:19] Speaker B: I stand corrected. [00:41:20] Speaker A: I have done surgery. I am medically adapt at treating me. That's it. [00:41:28] Speaker B: You know, that's all you need to be. [00:41:30] Speaker A: I won't fucking do your fucking ingrown toenails, you disgusting motherfuckers out there. [00:41:34] Speaker B: Ingrown toenails? I've never had an ingrown toenail. [00:41:39] Speaker A: Well, consider yourself lucky. [00:41:41] Speaker B: I'm very lucky. [00:41:42] Speaker A: Like. [00:41:42] Speaker B: Like, well, my toenails are weird. They're, like, super weak, and they break off easy. [00:41:47] Speaker A: Well, as a child, when I was living with my parents, I had one ingrown toenail, and, like, it hurt like the dickens, pretty much. Like, you know, your fucking toenail breaks off and starts growing into your skin, like. Like when a horn, you know, starts growing into, like, the fucking head of, like a. Like a ram or something. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. Like, to move to, like, you know, someone steps on your toe with fucking. It's the worst pain ever. It's a supernova of pain. And so, like, I told my parents, and they took me to the doctor, you know, to get it removed. And so I sit there and they fucking put, like, a, you know, like a rubber band on my toe, and then inject lidocaine right into my fucking toe, which felt like lava, which was worse than the fucking original pain. I'm like, how is this helping? This is awful. [00:42:45] Speaker C: So what happens is they're putting it in too fast. If they do it nice and slow, it does not hurt like that. [00:42:53] Speaker A: It was the worst fucking toe pain I have. Like, I stubbed my toe with an ingrown toenail. Didn't even come close to this. And that. That was truly awful. It was so bad. When I got the second ingrown toenail, I took a leatherman, a belt, a bunch of gauze, and some isopropyl alcohol, and went into my closet and fucking just cut that out myself. Successful fucking surgery, you know, nice fucking leatherman, you know, cleaned it all up. Minimal blood, tons of pus, wrapped it all up, duct tape, pus, fucking took care of it. Isopropyl alcohol, the whole nine yards fucking hurt way less like, isopropyl alcohol, and an open wound hurt less than the lidocaine. [00:43:53] Speaker B: So we use alcohol to wet down kitties first so we can look at the skin. And that will always tell you, oh, I just got a cat scratch there. Didn't know it. And so, like, my favorite expression when alcohol finds a new cut is I feel alive because that bitch hurts. And I'm sorry. That shit hurts worse than lidocaine. Although I've had lidocaine a bunch of different times in a bunch of different parts of my body, so. And also, I think it's different me because I administer lidocaine as well. [00:44:22] Speaker A: No, it is. [00:44:25] Speaker B: It serves its purpose. [00:44:27] Speaker A: Like, the second you remove the fucking toenail, just the relief and the endorphins. That flood is just like, yeah, you can't even hurt me now. I'm fine. [00:44:39] Speaker B: Remember after the motorcycle accident and I had all that road rash, so they had to clean it out, right. So the solution was to put a special lidocaine gel onto the raw, open skin to numb it up so then we could start digging out the gravel and stuff. That was an intense amount of pain. Like, I looked at the dude, and I'm like, do we have to do it this way? And he's like, it'll be the quickest way to get it done. And I'm like, okay. And so, like, they're putting it on my knee, then one dude put on my hip, and I'm like, Brett, guys, we got to do this one at a time, or I will not be able to handle it. And you were already knocked out, so. Yeah. [00:45:20] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:45:21] Speaker B: No, seriously, he had to be sedated. [00:45:25] Speaker A: I. I don't trust hospitals. I'd rather die. [00:45:29] Speaker B: I know. [00:45:33] Speaker A: Like, I have no problem. I'm 33. I beat Jesus, you know? Fuck off, fucking Jerusalem nerd. Yo, wait. [00:45:45] Speaker B: I don't think that applies until you're 34, cuz. Didn't Jesus live to 33? Yeah, so you can't say that until you're 34. [00:45:54] Speaker A: You know, the thing I hate, though, is, like, Jesus, you know, was definitely fucking, like, in shape because he walked everywhere, so, like, I'm sure he had, like, a fucking. You know, he had come gutters. Like, take that, catholic church. Jesus had come gutters. [00:46:12] Speaker B: The fuck is a cum gutter? [00:46:13] Speaker A: Those. That fucking v. Like, that perfect v. Oh, the. [00:46:17] Speaker B: Yeah, the. Yeah, that thing's looking weird. [00:46:22] Speaker C: Wait, what is it? What is it called? [00:46:25] Speaker A: Let me fucking. Let me get. [00:46:30] Speaker B: Yeah, that weird shit. [00:46:33] Speaker A: All right, let me share the screen for you, Courtney. That way you can. So these right here, these little fucking v's. I, like, go to, like, the dick route. Yeah, yeah, cum gutters. [00:46:52] Speaker B: What other anatomical descriptions do you have for your dick? [00:46:58] Speaker A: For my penis? [00:47:00] Speaker B: Yeah. No. What other words do you have be on your dick route? [00:47:06] Speaker A: Well, there's, like, a million. There's fucking, like, my hog, my lizard, my special guy. You my one eyed snake. [00:47:19] Speaker B: I knew that one. [00:47:20] Speaker C: Is that woman? [00:47:24] Speaker A: Yeah, probably. [00:47:25] Speaker C: So it's the one. Yeah, it's that one. [00:47:29] Speaker A: Yeah. She has a little. And she has a little crab tattoo, too. [00:47:33] Speaker B: Yeah, that crab tattoo is nice. [00:47:35] Speaker C: And it's also, like, totally different. It's an actual gutter on occasion when a person ejaculates on their sex partners or their own navel and the semen flows along the pelvic line. [00:47:51] Speaker B: Oh, that's nasty. God, bodies are so gross. [00:47:57] Speaker A: That's fine. I. [00:48:00] Speaker B: Bodies are gross. [00:48:01] Speaker A: See, like, here's the thing. Like, women are like, I have seen so many penises. It's like, any man that's ever been to a gym has seen way more fucking penises than any woman. Like, these are penises that do not get fucking randomly texted to you. These are penises that, like, old men have no goddamn shame whatsoever. Like, those, like, walk around anymore. [00:48:29] Speaker C: They're old bastards. [00:48:31] Speaker A: They'll walk around naked. They don't give a shit. And that's fine. That's a right. You know, you're fucking doing that where you're allowed. Just don't go into the fucking steam room if you don't want to see a bunch of blowjobs. You know? Like, that's their area. You know, if you go into the fucking, you know, sauna of a fucking, like, a nicer fucking gym, you're gonna, like, see, like, two old dudes, like, sucking each other's dicks. And if that's your fucking jam, that's your jam. And if you see, like, two dudes walk in and you don't want to see that going on, because you're. Your presence is not gonna stop them at all. [00:49:12] Speaker B: Why should it? [00:49:14] Speaker A: Like, they're. They enjoy the. The voyeurism of ithood. They're like, yeah, watch me suck his dick. And they have showers there so they can wash away evidence. [00:49:27] Speaker B: Wash away your eyes. [00:49:29] Speaker A: Well, I mean, fucking, like a blowjob. Like, that's not. I'm not gonna clutch my pearls over that. I don't care. Sure, Nate, go for it. Like, I've seen you give me a blowjob. [00:49:46] Speaker B: You've seen it? [00:49:47] Speaker A: Yeah. I have eyes up here. I can look down and be like, oh, look, there she is. [00:49:52] Speaker B: Oh. For some reason, I thought you meant as, like, a side profile. [00:49:56] Speaker A: No, no. Like. [00:49:57] Speaker B: Like, all you see is my hair, right? [00:49:59] Speaker A: No, I see everything. [00:50:01] Speaker B: Yeah, you see everything. [00:50:02] Speaker A: Yeah, like, I suck in my gut so I can see more. I'm like. Like, yeah, for some reason, like, men enjoy that. It's like, I did it. Like, it's like the fucking top of a mountain. It's like, I made it. Time. We're at. Oh, my God, this episode is fucking flown by. This has been a good one. [00:50:38] Speaker B: Can I have my beer? [00:50:39] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:50:45] Speaker B: Yes. [00:50:45] Speaker A: There you go. [00:50:47] Speaker B: Shout out to Sierra Nevada, my favorite brewing company. Your October fest rocks. [00:50:55] Speaker A: All right, now we got a Missouri story from Douglas County, Missouri. Two woman and one man were arrested Wednesday and a rural southwest Missouri in rural southwest Missouri on child endangerment charges following a tip to the state's child abuse and neglect hotline. According to the Douglas County Sheriff's office, arrests were made in old Field, located approximately 25 miles south of Springfield. A sheriff's office, a sheriff's officer, spokesman, and a deputy. Blah, blah, blah, blah, went to the residence early Wednesday, where they located about 80 well maintained, mature marijuana plants. However, the deputies did not find anyone at the home. An hour later, the sheriff and the same deputy went back to the home and saw the marijuana plants have been cut down and placed in a pile. The sheriff knocked on the door and spoke with Jamie J. White. So, like, Walter White's daughter or something. And the sheriff said the 44. Sheriff said. White, 44, told the sheriff that Ashley, Md, 21, and Nicholas W. Wamble, 25, ran into the woods with an eight week old infant and I. After the deputy and the children's division workers first left, White also admitted to cutting down the marijuana plants in the interim. White yelled out to the woods and womble and dean emerged with the infant. The sheriff's office said the infant was very malnourished and in poor physical health. The child was taken to the local hospital, where the doctors learned that the baby had not been given its prescribed medication. In addition, the sheriff's office said the parents were feeding the infant goat milk replacement mashed up with Vienna sausages and mountain dew. Code red. So I imagine the child's name is Kyle. [00:53:05] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:53:07] Speaker A: I mean, just be glad that they weren't giving it monster. Okay. Like. But I'm glad that the infant got fucking the proper care and, you know, they arrested all these fucking people and. But they were giving the child something. They were trying their best. They were not trying their best for fucking Missouri. [00:53:31] Speaker B: I don't want to agree with your statement, but there is some truth to it. [00:53:35] Speaker A: Yeah. For. For fucking Missouri. They were, you know, going above and beyond, like, I'm survived. People survive. I'm surprised people survive in Missouri at all. [00:53:46] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:53:49] Speaker A: Like, they were. They were giving up their precious code red, you know, to take care of a baby. [00:53:56] Speaker B: Do different. Do different mountain Dew colors taste different? [00:54:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:54:01] Speaker B: Oh, okay. [00:54:03] Speaker A: You know, the Baja blast tastes like the fucking diarrhea that you're about to have because you're a taco bell, you know, it goes pretty well with it. The regular fucking, you know, tastes like. Hey, I fucking got this. The fucking code red. Tastes like fucking poison. They all put. Taste like poison. They're all bad. Don't drink mountain dew, folks. [00:54:29] Speaker B: It's got electrolytes. [00:54:31] Speaker A: It's got what plants crave. And then, like, a quick story, a us pilot fucking took magic mushrooms and tried to cut engines to, like, an 80 person fucking plane while it was in the air. [00:54:48] Speaker B: Duh. Fuck. [00:54:50] Speaker A: So, yeah. Joseph Emerson was charged with 83 counts of reckless endangerment over incident on flight to San Francisco. So, like, his friend had just died a couple days before and he was not in a good place mentally. And he was off duty. He was an off duty fucking pilot. But since he was a pilot, he was able to ride up in the cockpit and he needed a free ride. And so he gets one. But he had taken magic mushrooms a couple days earlier and he tried to disable the planes engines by deploying the fire suppression system, them. So he was pretty much having a manic episode while in the fucking cockpit, not thinking that anything was real, and just tried to, like, you know, destroy the fucking plane because, you know, he thought everything was just a fucking, you know, dream. And. Yeah, like that. Just imagine that just, you know, your pilot might be going through, like, a mental crisis and just decide to, you know, crash the plane on a whim. And they have that. Like, planes have the ability to fly themselves. Like, it should just lock the pilot out and just play a movie until they fucking get there. Like, the only thing that the pilot should be able to do is you, you know, help land the plane if needed. Like, I feel like AI could take over in the sky. [00:56:35] Speaker B: Oh, my God, it'd be so much better. [00:56:37] Speaker A: Like, if they didn't have to pay pilot. Like, pilots, are they gonna be the first ones to lose their fucking jobs when AI takes over? I guarantee it. And, you know. Cause an AI can, like, run a check throughout the entire plane. Okay, do we have all this? All this? All this? Boom. Good to go. And then he just taxis off and takes off perfectly every time. Lands itself fucking parks. And then they won't need air traffic control because all the AI will just talk to each other. Oh, I'm gonna go in. I'm gonna go in right behind you. And then the airlines are gonna make more money. They're gonna make. We have AI planes. And, like, the first few flights are gonna be cheap because, like, we don't know what's gonna happen then after, like, it's been a proven concept. Cool. And, like, you can have a fucking pilot in there, you know, someone that knows what they're doing. If something goes awry, like, if the AI goes offline, you know, like, a sunshade comes up and it's like, hey, take over. The AI went down. It got hacked or something, so. But the. You know, I always hear, oh, you truck drivers about to lose all your jobs to AI. Fuck off. No, we're not. Now I got an am I the asshole? Story. I had to save this one from my phone because I saw it earlier in the week. So it's am I the asshole? I didn't get the name of it. A little backstory. This was a couple months ago. I'm 19, male. I'm currently going through college right now, and a Methodist girl, 21, female, at a party. She is totally my type. We hit it off. We dated for about six months, and then she wanted to do the deed. Fucking nerd. Do it quicker than six months. Idiot. I agreed on the terms, and we had a safe word. I was still a virgin at the time and wanted a safe word. Since I don't know what I'll be comfortable with, she invited me over to her house. She lives near campus. Since her parents were. Parents were out of town for a week, she had the house to ourselves. We quickly skipped the foreplay and got to the good stuff. About four minutes and 16 seconds. I was counting into the horizonal tango. She screamed, peach cobbler. The safe word. And I stopped. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was just checking to see if I would stop. This is massively screwed with me. Since I thought I did something wrong, she wanted to continue, but for some reason, I just couldn't. I felt so betrayed that she would think I wouldn't stop. So I kept playing it over and over again in my head. I broke up with her two weeks later. When our mutual friend group found out why we broke up, they would start mocking me by yelling Peach Cobbler. Randomly. Her friends started calling me an asshole because she was just trying to make sure that she was safe. Keep in mind that we've been dating six months, and she knew that I would definitely stop doing something if it made her uncomfortable. I can't believe that she would think that I would do something like that. So, Reddit. Am I the asshole? You know, Tldr stopped in the middle of losing my v card because she said the safe word to make sure I would stop and then broke up with her after because, you know, people mocked her. Mocked him. [01:00:27] Speaker C: Yeah. It's over. [01:00:36] Speaker A: So. [01:00:40] Speaker C: What a bItch. [01:00:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:00:42] Speaker A: To be honest, you know, like, in the comments, there are a lot of people saying, hey, you know, you can, you know, tell someone to stop or use the safe word, which is an emergency stop. The best fucking response, though, comes from tactic. Ronin 20. I have a lot of experience with CNC. You did the right thing. By CNC, I obviously mean computer numeric. Numeric control. I work with lays and mills and the like. There are two ways to stop the machines. Either you press the button telling them to stop, or you hit the emergency stop, gently. Stopping the machines takes a half a second and happens all the time. No big deal. The e stop will stop the machines instantly at all costs. You only ever hit that button if the machine is actively hurting or causing a fire or something. The machine sacrifices its belts and probably won't be running for a day after the e stop gets hit. At the same time, it's the difference between let's stop having sex or yelling. The safe word, one is please stop, and the other is stop. It's an emergency. You did the right thing. She did a stupid thing. [01:02:01] Speaker C: Yep. [01:02:04] Speaker A: But CNC also means consensual, non consensual. So. Yeah, I mean, yeah, opie, you know, you did the right fucking thing. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You know, that. That's all I can fucking just move on. [01:02:29] Speaker B: She was weird. [01:02:30] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:02:34] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, that. That. That's gonna go ahead and conclude this episode. We just hit a fucking hour. But I have recently committed to posting, you know, some stand up clips onto Instagram. So I'll actually start trying at the fucking open mics and not just phoning it in and just, you know, sitting up at the front. Be like, why the chicken cross the road? Because there's Puerto Ricans on one side of the road, and they're scared of them. Yeah, see, no one laughs. No one likes racism anymore. Goddamn 2024. But we'll be back next week. You can follow me. Alex. The truck on Instagram, that's where I'll be posting all my bullshit. I don't care. I also have an ex. I don't, you know, talk to her anymore. I also have a Twitter profile. Alexatruck. See what I did there? See what I did there? [01:03:38] Speaker B: You think you're funny? [01:03:39] Speaker A: Pretty goddamn fucking good. [01:03:41] Speaker B: You think you're funny? [01:03:42] Speaker A: God. Holy shit. Like, that was a spur of the moment. I am. [01:03:48] Speaker B: I don't have anything suitable to throw at you. [01:03:50] Speaker A: I'm a comedy goddess. [01:03:53] Speaker C: This is funny. [01:03:55] Speaker A: Thank you. Thank you, Courtney. That makes me feel better. I don't have to, like, you know, do something, but, yeah. [01:04:04] Speaker C: Along are we. [01:04:05] Speaker A: Oh, we're at the end of the episode. [01:04:07] Speaker C: Okay, cool. [01:04:08] Speaker A: So thank you all so much for being here. We will be back next week with the same, you know, dumb and bye.