Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alright, everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Human podcast. We are back and, you know, probably not better than ever. I mean, really, this is just like a fun podcast. Just probably my mother listens to and like, her weird friends. I don't want to say that my mom probably has like really normal friends and my mom is a weird one.
[00:00:25] Speaker B: Normal friends are boring.
[00:00:26] Speaker A: Well, I mean, like fucking normal friends of my mom.
If she's like, my son does this podcast, you should listen to it.
Like fucking write in. Like, fucking hit me up on instagram, Alex, the truck be like, you know, is my mom weird? What's the weirdest thing she does? Does she hit you with a flog in the middle of your fucking work day? You know, you're trying to do some accounting shit and she just comes up with a flogging bag? Take that, bitch. You know, I don't know, my mom's weird.
I still love her, you know, she is, you know, imparted, you know, wisdom through genetics.
Like, not, not like open mouth. She's not like, you know, this is how you, like, hurt a man in his penis.
You can like, stick needles in his penis, like, oh, I don't know why I just said that.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: I don't know why you just said that either.
[00:01:24] Speaker A: Sometimes I say things before I think of them.
Like, my mouth just moves too fast and I'm like, no, you made.
[00:01:35] Speaker B: Yeah, your mouth made that decision.
[00:01:37] Speaker A: Like, there's times where I tell a joke up on stage and it bombs because it is evil.
You know, like, I'll just, you know, say, like, I'll do like a hack joke on. On stage. I'm like, you know that that's awful. Like fucking ten babies in a trash can. But not as awful as, like one baby in ten trash cans.
That means the baby's been separated in ten pieces and spread.
[00:02:08] Speaker B: Oh, I just thought the baby was wrapped inside a bag. Inside a bag? Inside a bag? Inside a bag.
[00:02:15] Speaker A: That's how innocent my wife is. She's like, baby, it's just ten trash bags and not a fucking dismembered baby.
[00:02:24] Speaker B: I mean, I'm fine with dismembered babies. Humans should be killed in their youth before they can reproduce.
[00:02:30] Speaker A: I mean, like that. That's why fucking so many people have a problem with abortion. Like late term abortion. Like, they can't just like, deliver the fucking baby, like, in its entirety. They have to like, go in and like, chop it up and like, take it out in pieces.
[00:02:45] Speaker B: Yeah, no, it's not a fun choice.
I mean, like, it's a sucky choice.
[00:02:53] Speaker A: If you really hate the fucking father, you know, it's like the most devious choice a woman can make.
I'm like, oh, man, you really hate him, don't you? He's like, yes, I'm glad I killed this baby.
Like, do they let you keep the baby? Like, if they, like, chop it up and like, they just, like, give you a bag of baby?
[00:03:22] Speaker B: I don't know how that works. But I do know they're given. I'm assuming they're giving something to Barry.
Like, no, I don't know anything about this. This is a weird subject.
[00:03:33] Speaker A: What were you saying, Courtney?
[00:03:35] Speaker C: I don't think so.
[00:03:37] Speaker A: Well, I mean, like, if you get your, you know, like, you know, you have a, like, a cancerous liver and you want it, or you get, like, a leg amputated, you can sign paperwork to take it home with you.
[00:03:49] Speaker C: Some people, they don't allow you to do that.
[00:03:51] Speaker A: Well, if it's, like, radioactive, like, if it's like a cancerous fucking, you know, liver that went through, like, chemo and radiation, since it is radioactive, they do have to destroy it, you know, stuff like that.
[00:04:05] Speaker C: When I went to get my wisdom teeth the first time I got it done, they let me take it home the second time, for some reason they didn't.
[00:04:12] Speaker A: They're just being dicks. It's a bunch of fucking red tape to fucking let you keep it, which is stupid. And it's just a bunch of paperwork that they don't really want to fucking fill out. They could just, like, fucking put it in a little jar, Mick. Here you go.
[00:04:26] Speaker B: A lot of clients want the teeth we extract from their cat's mouths.
[00:04:31] Speaker A: That's weird.
[00:04:32] Speaker B: Yeah, no, it's weird. It's fucking weird.
It's weird.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: But now, like, I, like, I have that morbid curiosity. Like, is there someone with, like, their dismembered baby in, like, a formaldehyde jar somewhere in their house?
[00:04:52] Speaker B: I mean, I have a kitten fetus and a formaldehyde jar.
[00:04:56] Speaker A: Yeah, but that, that's a completely different fucking thing.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: Its name is squishy. It was going to be a calico.
[00:05:03] Speaker C: Oh, my God, please. That is so disgusting.
[00:05:06] Speaker B: It's little tiny claws and whiskers.
[00:05:09] Speaker A: Like he's. She's perfectly formed and dead.
[00:05:13] Speaker B: Yes, it was cool.
[00:05:17] Speaker A: So not perfectly formed, perfectly dead.
And that's fine, you know, but, like, I feel like that would be, like, the most morbid thing in the world, and you can, like, sell that to some other morbid fucking person for, like, you know, $50,000 people have, like, people's.
[00:05:36] Speaker B: Brains in jars and formaldehyde. Like, doesn't someone owe an Einstein sprain.
[00:05:40] Speaker A: A fucking, you know, science laboratory?
I'm sure. Like, I don't think it's, like, just some dude mech, yo, this is Einstein's brain over here.
Like, essentially just turns into soap. Like, eventually, like, I feel like, just, like, the fat. It's, like, the only thing that remains of the brain, and, like, everything else just withers away. So you just have, like, a fucking, you know, brain shaped soap bar.
[00:06:10] Speaker B: I don't know anything about brains decomposing.
[00:06:13] Speaker A: Well, it's, like, fat and stuff like that.
[00:06:16] Speaker B: I don't know shit about brains. Brains are weird.
I have a mental illness. I don't want to talk about brains.
[00:06:24] Speaker A: Okay, well, we'll talk about my jury duty. And if I do remember.
[00:06:30] Speaker B: My God, yes.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: And if I do remember at the end of this episode, if I can get to it, will upload the audio of my comedy set that I did on jury duty.
But let's start off with the whole fucking, you know, getting the summons. Like, I got a summons, you know, a few months ago.
I said, hey, I'm on vacation when this is happening, so I cannot fucking do this. I won't even be in the state, so good fucking luck. And they're like, okay, you're fine to go. When can you be back? And I'm like, I gave him, like, a arbitrary date, like, a Monday. I'm like, oh, I can be back this Monday.
And so they fucking immediately like, that Monday. They're like, okay, come on in for jury duty. I'm like, f.
And here's the thing that really sucks.
That Monday, a bunch of. A bunch of fucking old friends came into Durango.
[00:07:32] Speaker D: No.
[00:07:34] Speaker A: And at the Starlight lounge, there was a baby kangaroo.
[00:07:39] Speaker B: No, shut up.
[00:07:40] Speaker A: A true baby kangaroo was at the Starlight lounge.
[00:07:46] Speaker B: Those are illegal in the US.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: Why would they be illegal?
[00:07:49] Speaker B: No, I said, they are legal in the US, probably.
[00:07:51] Speaker A: I mean, this person had one.
Durango is not known for fucking crime. Like, you know, stopping.
We do crimes out there. But, you know, all in all, I missed a fucking wonderful night of comedy because I had to go do fucking, you know, this bullshit. So I get the fucking summons and I go to my boss immediately, because I'm like, I want this to, you know, be known that I have jury duty. And so I go to him, and I'm like, hey, boss, I have jury duty on this fucking day. I don't remember the day. It was a couple weeks ago.
And he's like, okay, well, maybe. I'm like, what do you mean? Maybe I have jury duty. You can't stop this. He's like, well, did you read it? I'm like, what do you think I am, an idiot? Of course I read it. And then I immediately get back home and read the jury summons.
And, you know, like, you, like, I have one right here. And, you know, you see, like, the outside, and you crack it open. The first fucking thing you see when you crack it open, a big blue box. Here in Colorado, at least a big blue box says, important. Please read. And I will read verbatim, line one. Call this number after 530 on the fucking day before court or visit this fucking website for reporting instructions given by juror number.
So you have to, like, they change the fucking website from, like, this jury summons to, like, my official one. But I'm like, oh, shit.
You know? And I, like, had to go to a website. I went to the website early because I'm impatient. And of course I get selected. Like, you have to show up if you're between this number and this number. They chose 450 random fucking numbers, and all those fucking people had to show up. And I was in that unlucky crew.
And so I go back to my boss. I text him immediately, like, once I fucking know the day before. And I'm like, hey, so I have jury duty. I have to show up because it's a, like, three days in jail if I don't.
You know, other people are like, nah, fuck all that. You don't have to go to jury, dude. I'm like, I don't want to risk it. I'm brown.
So he's like, okay. You know? And they have my shift covered, which is fine. I go out to jury duty, and I wear the most offensive shit. I have a shirt that says shit show supervisor, a fucking taco cat shirt that is very colorful and, like, suspenders. I'm like, just, fuck. I took my bike out there. Cause it was a nice day.
And I'm like, there's no shot I'm gonna get fucking picked at all. Nothing. And so I go in, I hand them my fucking form, and here's the thing that sucks. Like, the form that you have to fill out, you know, is your name, your address, your date of birth, you know, your marital status, your sex occupation, bullshit like that. And on the other side of this fucking piece of paper that you fucking turn in is your name, your address, and all the fucking information that the government already fucking has. I'm like, I don't know why you need this, but that's fine. I fill it out, I give it to them, and they give me a bigger questionnaire, which is wonderful. I'm like, oh, boy. Because I read immediately at the bottom of this questionnaire, not public information, you know? I'm like, oh, cool. I can be an asshole on this farm. I don't want to be here anyway.
And so it asks dumb questions. Like, one of the first ones was, what are your hobbies?
And I said, fucking cock and ball torture.
And, like, some other, like, lying to lawyers was the other one.
And I'm like, I don't want to be here. Fuck this, you know? Cock and Walt Orchard lying to lawyers. And then you're further down the page, like, have you ever been a victim of a crime? And I have, but I said, taxation is theft.
I'm a victim of crime every day.
And I'm just, like, going down this list, fucking up the questions. I don't give a shit. Go fuck yourself. And then, you know, I'm just sitting there playing my Nintendo switch. I'm just, you know, playing Mario, having a good fucking time. I charged up my switch for this whole fucking thing. People came by, envious as shit. I wanted to bring my switch. I'm like, you didn't. And I did. You're an idiot.
And so about, like, 15 minutes after I sit down, I'm just sitting there playing the switch. They give instructions on how to, you know, give your employer the paperwork and all that. I'm like, cool. And they're like, we're gonna call our first group, you know, of 45 people, and there's 450 people in this room. I'm like, fat chance I'm even gonna get called. They get through, like, 30 people. And then they're like, alex. And I'm like, no.
And so I immediately have to, like, go and report. Like, I'm in the back room.
Yeah. I'm like, I'm here. I'm here, you know? And I have my fucking questionnaire with me and all my fucking little paperwork.
And I see this fucking professional, smart dressed woman coming down, collecting all the questionnaires, you know, just smiling, you know, hey, thank you so much. Thank you. And just picking them all up and just, you know, speed reading all of them. She's like, picks it up, looks at it, you know, like, terminator style. Like, burp, burp. You know, fucking scans the entire thing into her brain. And then, you know, I see her getting closer to me, and, like, I'm starting to regret fucking around on these questions, but it's too late for that because she is moving quick. And so I hand it to her. She has been smiling the entire time at everyone. Everyone else is dressed normally with fucking professional court clothes on me. Show supervisor, taco cat shirt, takes a look at my fucking shit, reads it, immediately scowls at me, you know, immediately upset that I did not take this bullshit seriously.
And she keeps it moving because she doesn't have time to fucking scold me right there.
And I'm like, eh, whatever. And then they're like, all right, everyone go up to the fifth floor. We're on the first floor and there's like two elevators for 45 fucking people.
And so I'm the closest to the door. And so I book it, I fucking run to the elevator because I want to get up to that fifth floor like first to get a good seat. And unfortunately, there was only like six seats on the fifth floor.
Six chairs, a ton of old people standing, scowling at me, angry that I, a young man that can stand like a normal human being, is sitting in the comfiest chair that they have, which is not saying much. It's just like a regular like office chair. Like that's sitting in the corner.
And so like, I see I'm all, and I'm like, because I was here first, bitch, because I can run, you know, maybe if you're old, just kill yourself, it's fine.
And so we're sitting there, I expect to go right into the courtroom, like right away. They have us sit there for a half an hour while they go in and read, like deeply read each one of these fucking questionnaires with the judge.
And I'm like, oh, no, they're not gonna laugh at my answers at all. These people are like, awful. It's like a church for lawyers. It is like the quietest area. It's like a library in a church combined into one with like antiseptic everywhere, you know, like you can do surgery on the ground there, it's fine.
And no vending machines on the fifth floor either, which sucked.
But eventually, after, you know, the long fucking wait, like, we're so sorry about the wait, alright? And they start calling us in, you know, and lining us up and then taking us into like the fucking courtroom, which has pews. These are pews from a church, just without the kneely bits. Like a hundred percent a church pew. You know, the fucking wooden fucking long bench that you see in every catholic church. They have them, you know, I didn't get the fucking nice cushy seats this time. That's fine.
You know, I'm in a church peel, and they, like, put us in. So they have, like, a little seating chart.
And so we all get in there, and I'm just playing sudoku on my phone, you know, because I wanted to be, like, low key.
And they're like, take off your hat too. Like, that was a big fucking point. Take off your hat. I'm like, okay. You fucking nazis.
[00:18:25] Speaker B: Like, no, you're not allowed to wear a hat in court unless you're a woman.
[00:18:29] Speaker A: Why?
[00:18:30] Speaker B: It's etiquette.
[00:18:32] Speaker A: Fuck etiquette. I don't want to be there. I should've just put my hat back on.
But, like, I saw, like, another guy put on his hat, and, like, the fucking cops came out and shot him to death. So I'm like, okay, I guess they're serious about that thing.
And so the judge starts off the whole thing, starts asking questions to the entire courtroom, you know, reasonable questions, you know, to, you know, easily weed people out. He said the first question he asked was, does anyone here know anyone?
Well, one woman was a barber. And she's like, I know like, six of the guys in here, and I cut their hair, you know, including that investigator over there. He's beautiful because of me. And I'm like, okay, that makes sense. You know, and there's a few other people. Like, one dude was like, I'm catering that guy's wedding.
And, you know, it's like, oh, okay. Yeah, so, you know, there's some fucking people in here that know each other. It's the small world. That's crazy. And then the judge asked a second question, and he was very, you know, intentional with his words. Is there any financial reason that you could not be here that would financially devastate you if you were here potentially for the next three days?
A woman raises her hand.
The judge calls on her like a classroom, and she stands up and says, I have add, so I can't find focus.
Now, I've never wanted to hit a woman until this point.
I wanted to, like, stand up and go over and hit her in the face and just be like. He said, financial, you.
But it's fine. The judge had the patience of job. He's like, okay, noted. You know, one dude was like, I'm getting married tomorrow. I'm like, legitimate. That is a good reason. That is a financial reason that you cannot be here. And the only other person that had a good reason was like, I have court tomorrow here. And the judge was like, really? For what? It's like disobeying court orders, like, proudly. He was, like, so proud of, you know, the shit that he was saying. I'm like, oh. I'm like, yeah, that's also good. But, like, people were standing up and, you know, saying, I hate cops, you know, or, I don't like guns, just dumb fucking shit. And I'm like, oh, this judge has to deal with idiots.
[00:21:24] Speaker C: Yep.
[00:21:25] Speaker A: And, you know, then he asked, like, a few more questions. I didn't pay attention to that. Didn't really fucking, you know, apply to me at all.
And he released us all out for lunch. He's like, all right, be back here in an hour and a half. He should have said 2 hours, you know, because the fucking half an hour wait to get us all called back in. But it's fine. I went down to fucking a place called salar. Salad or bust.
Fucking Bob says, hi.
[00:21:57] Speaker B: You went to Saladar bus without me?
[00:21:58] Speaker A: I did, yeah.
Um, you know, I was asking about, like, the fucking Friday shows. He's like, yeah, we don't do that no more.
[00:22:08] Speaker B: Aw.
[00:22:09] Speaker A: Um, but. But, you know, I went down there, had fucking, you know, chicken sandwich, you know, so if you're ever in Colorado Springs and you see a place called salad or bust, give it a try. Great fucking food, great people, and they serve alcohol. Um, but, like, I walked down there and I walked back to the courtroom because it's like a half mile each way, and the amount of bums I saw just walking through, like, one dude had, like, a shaman stick. Like. Like, just, like, a walking stick with, like, streamers and, like, a bunch of, like, garbage hanging off of it. I'm like, yeah, I mean, like, this. This seems legitimate. This is why I don't walk downtown, because fucking crazy people. Like, there's, like, one dude that was just, like, universally dirty.
Just like he was shirtless, but, like, you know, like, I'm. If you sprayed him with a fucking water bottle, like, just dirt would fall off of him. Mochi. Do you not remember what the fuck happened last time? Okay.
[00:23:19] Speaker B: No. She got her favorite dance.
[00:23:23] Speaker A: All right, so we go back and we walk back into the courtroom. You know, they do the same song and dance, all right? Everyone, they call us all in, you know, one line at a time back into the church of a lawyer.
And now it is the lawyers turn, like, the fucking prosecuting attorneys and the defense attorneys turned to ask the court, you know, questions, the jury selection questions.
And up until this point, I thought lawyers were supposed to be smart people. Fucking people that passed the bar. I thought, like, law school is hard or something. Nope. They are the dumbest fucking people on the entire goddess damn planet, you know? And like, up first was like, the prosecuting attorneys and they asked a question that stopped everyone right in their fucking tracks. They're like, if we showed you a video of a man getting murdered with an axe, and you saw the murderer's face clear as day, and you saw the man getting murdered clear as day, and you know who both people are. And we have the fucking axe murderer, but, like, it's an old video camera and we don't have the day that this happened. We just have the proof that it did happen. Would you prosecute the axe murderer?
And I, like, they just went through everybody and like, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Everyone was unanimously saying, yes, we will fucking prosecute this piece of shit.
And the judge was annoyed by this question.
He's like, it doesn't quite work like that.
Yeah, it's like, just change that.
Don't bring up the axe murderer again. The axe murderer got brought up twelve more times by both sides too, by the, you know, the prosecutors and the defense.
I'm like, jesus Christ.
But the second question, you know, the answer is, how do you find a person credible?
How do you know someone is telling you the truth?
And, you know, they. They went down and, you know, asked question by question and I fucking pulled out my best Gregory house.
And I said, everyone lies.
And that's true. Everyone fucking will lie to get themselves out of fucking trouble. It's like, hey, I don't want to fucking be in trouble, so I'm gonna lie to my lawyer or to the judge or to the police officer that I wasn't doing it. Or the police officer will lie to fucking get an extra ticket and get, like, a fucking promotion. Everyone fucking lies.
And they're like, really? That that's your. Your take? I'm like, yes.
I'm like, have you been a lawyer for more than a day?
Of course people lie. That's the whole point. That's why we're here, because someone is lying. You know, if they, you know, went to the raiment, we wouldn't be here. If they were like, yeah, I fucking did that shit, we wouldn't be here. But someone's lying.
And like, well, you know, if that's your thing. I'm like, yeah, of course that's my thing. Like the whole axe murderer thing, you just said 2 seconds ago, how would any serial killer ever get caught? We don't know. The days that they did this and they're like, ugh, stop bringing up the axe murderer. We already got in trouble before it. I'm like, I know, because you're dumb.
I'm like, I'll never commit crimes and get caught.
And so they just pushed past me, you know, I'm still looking at. It's like, smart, you know, dressed like bailiff lady that's like, just scowling at me. Wants me the fuck out of her courtroom. I'm not getting this job, which is great.
And so now it is time for the defense. And the defense asks what? I thought they were going to ask smarter questions.
I thought the defense, you know, I'm like, well, maybe it's just like the, you know, the proc and prosecuting attorneys are dumb. Nope. Defense, first question. What's your favorite tv show?
I fucking lost it. I'm like, what the fuck?
And, you know, like, just dumb fucking questions. Repeated fucking questions to the point where the judge had to beg. That question was already asked. Why are you asking it again?
She asked, like, how do you find people credible again?
Brought up the fucking axe murderer again. I'm like, okay.
I feel like I can represent myself in court.
Like, from here on out, if I ever, like, go to jail, I'll just represent myself. I'll save a bunch of money and still go to jail. It's fine. I have a fool for a client.
But, like, I feel like that's just some bullshit that, like, every attorney, like, makes up. It's like, you know, the person that represents themselves has a fool for a client. It's like, no, you just want to make a bunch of money for doing nothing, for making phone calls and playing golf with your buddies.
It's like, yeah, you fucking know, all these judges, you're a piece of shit.
But they, you know, kick us all out for a recess again. Like, don't go anywhere.
You know, everyone go outside. And, you know, we're gonna deliberate. And so we come back in, and they're like, okay, we're getting rid of twelve people now, you know? And we got rid of eight people, you know, after the lunch, and now it's time for another twelve. And so it gets way too fucking deep in this list. And I'm still sitting there. There was like, I was the 8th to get called. I was getting nervous that they were gonna use me in this jury trial.
I'm like, you guys are idiots. Please call my name. Please call my name. Let me free.
And then they're like, Alex, you are free. The court thanks you. I'm like, I thank you?
Yeah. And then I fucking book it out of there. And we're like, there's a group of us just sitting in the fucking elevator, shit talking the entire thing. Just like, oh, what a bunch of idiots. And, like, dude, you're hilarious. Like, I'm glad that my fellow fucking almost jurors appreciated my humor.
And then, like, I fucking, you know, left, you know, got on my bike, went home, and, like, the second I pulled in home, because I was on my motorcycle, it started pissing rain, you know, and I almost didn't make it because there is a car accident on the way home, you know, like, we're, like, on I 25 and fucking, you know, Tejon or whatever in Nevada, like, where that fucking, like, barrier is where you can't, you know, go straight.
[00:31:18] Speaker B: Uh huh.
[00:31:18] Speaker A: Yeah, they crashed into that and crashed into another car.
So there's, like, a two car pile up there. I'm like, oh. But, like, I was able to get through good.
And I got home, and I'm like, oh, man.
And so, like, I wrote an entire set on this. And then, like, I, like, called my boss, like, immediately. I'm like, guess what? He's like, you got selected. I'm like, fuck no, idiot. Pack my truck. I'm gonna be there tomorrow.
Now, the good part is my company paid me for jury duty. They did $200. So much money for a day of work. Yeah, that's pretty good. It is good, you know, and then I got a bonus on top of it. And, you know, it was great.
So. But that. That's the whole fucking jury process here in Colorado. And I'm sure the people that got selected for jury duty were the ones that really wanted to be there.
Now, if you're wondering, you know, what was the case about? They explained it to us in very small details. It was an old, obese black woman on oxygen that allegedly.
I didn't look in this case because I didn't care too much.
Was trying to break into a place, burglarize it to assault another fucking person.
And I'm like, maybe she did it. Maybe she was just, like, knocking on a doormat. I'm gonna beat your ass for fucking my husband. You know, or some shit like that. I, like, I feel like that's what it was. And you just got blown out of proportion. And she's there because she was black.
I'm like, release that lady. You know, Covid will kill her soon enough.
But, yeah, she was sitting there in the courtroom, and, you know, I just, like, watched her fucking watch everybody's answer.
I'm like, yeah, like, she's not in cuffs. She's not a danger. Fucking release her. Who cares?
Like, if she came to assault me, I think I could fucking take her.
Oh, shit. I've been talking about jury dude for 30 minutes.
[00:33:47] Speaker B: Yeah, it's been fun.
[00:33:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:33:50] Speaker C: My jury duty experience was sad.
[00:33:53] Speaker A: Oh, let's hear about yours.
[00:33:55] Speaker C: Yeah. So when I was living with you guys in Colorado, I was working at that pediatric clinic, and then I got a jury summons, and I hated the job. So I was like, huh, okay. Because they pay you a certain amount to do it anyway. So I was like, okay. And I was like, either or that. That's actually what made me quit my job. I was serving for jury duty for, like, a week or so, and I. I did not want to go back.
Yeah. So, um, I ended up going. They, uh, did something similar. There wasn't a lot of chairs or anything. And then, like, they, um, had you sit down and they called you up one by one. They let the different lawyers dismiss people for whatever reason and ask questions, but, like, it was more along the lines of, like, child abuse and stuff. And I don't remember the exact questions, but they went over, like, if you wouldn't feel comfortable doing this and why or such and such. And they allowed some people to go. And it was about. The case that it happened was about this child.
He had been.
He had an accident and gotten every, like, he'd had diarrhea while the mom was away from home, and the father took him in the bathtub, and he was trying to say that he wasn't there and that he was downstairs going to the bathroom and that the little kid turned the hot water on by himself.
But the kid got three third degree burns, went to the hospital later that day, and had to be life flooded to, like, Denver.
So, like, he got some pretty serious burns on him. Like, on his chest, like. Like, where they believed it was purposeful, but they didn't think they had enough evidence for that, so they went for child endangerment. And so, like, everyone agreed that, like, he was. He'd endangered the child by his actions and stuff like that. Because, like, there was multiple instances where, like, he dropped the ball afterwards anyway, like, they didn't. He didn't take him to the hospital right away, even though his burns were that bad. And, like, they waited hours to take him. So it was like, I felt sorry.
[00:36:32] Speaker A: Little guy, you know, fucking indict that dude. Fuck him.
[00:36:37] Speaker C: Yeah, we. We found him guilty. Good. Really sad because of the way we were taught thinking about it, because we all kind of wanted to make him guilty. Like, if the mother had been on the sand, we would have convicted her too, because, like, if he has that much burns over his body and you don't take him to the hospital right away, like, that's really negligent.
[00:37:02] Speaker A: Like, I had slight asthma, and my mom took me to the hospital.
I shot some pencil into my thumb and hid it from my mom for a week. And then she took me to the hospital, like, right away.
[00:37:17] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:37:19] Speaker A: So it's like, you know, be a better parent.
Yeah. I'm like, I'm not saying you have to be a perfect parent. You know, sometimes, you know, raising kids is fucking difficult, but, you know, be a better parenthood.
[00:37:36] Speaker C: I felt so sad.
[00:37:37] Speaker A: Yeah. You know, that, like, one of the questions on the questionnaire is, like, is there anything that you could not fucking be fair worth? I'm like, any crimes against children, I just fucking, you know, find them guilty. I don't want death bounty. Fuck them.
You know? Like, absolutely not. You know, do not fucking go nights on these people.
But we do have a few news stories. We'll, you know, nail out a couple of them. I have, like, way more than, you know, I have time for, so.
But this one is a man in Denver, so. My fucking neck of the woods.
[00:38:24] Speaker D: Yep.
[00:38:25] Speaker A: A man pulls a gun at Burger Kingdom. A man pulls gun after Burger King worker wouldn't take drugs as payment, gets 143 years in prison.
But a man in Denver was convicted of pointing a gun at a Burger King drive thru worker who wouldn't accept drugs for payment. I want to know what fucking drugs.
[00:38:46] Speaker B: I know, right?
Like, what if they were good drugs?
[00:38:51] Speaker A: I mean, like, if it was fucking, like, you know, LSD and mushrooms, I'd be like, all right, we're good. Yeah, get on out of here. Like, I would fucking accept that. Go for dude.
Prosecutors announced the sentence Thursday and said the drive thru incident was the beginning. A series of crimes for Eugene Robertson carried in out in the Denver suburb of Aurora. You can just say Aurora. It's its own fucking thing.
[00:39:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:22] Speaker A: But this was back in October 17, 2022.
In April, a jury found Robertson guilty of 17 crimes, including eight counts of attempted murder. The sentence for many of the crimes were stacked on top of each other, leading to a long sentence. Robertson, 40, had faced a maximum sentence of more than 400 years when he was sentenced on August 9. We consider this 143 year sentence justice for the multiple victims we put. He put in fear that night. Yeah, he didn't kill anybody. Though.
[00:39:59] Speaker B: So when your sentence is longer than, like, your actual life, do they just, like, hang on to the body?
Like, what happens if you die and you haven't finished your, like, 300 year long service?
[00:40:10] Speaker C: They don't. It's basically just to make sure you never fucking get out.
[00:40:18] Speaker A: I mean, they cremate you, like, if you die in prison like that. That's how that goes. And then they send your ashes to fucking family members or next to Ken. Or they just put it in, like, a popper's grave.
[00:40:32] Speaker C: Mm hmm.
[00:40:47] Speaker A: But, yeah, I mean, after Robertson pointed the gun at the drive thru worker, prosecutors said he walked into a convenience store across the street and pointed a gun at the head of the clerk. When Robertson saw there's a surveillance video camera system there, he shot at the screen and left, then shot towards two people outside the parking lot.
The centennial, Colorado, and Aurora previously reported that the witness at the convenience store told police that he seemed that something was off about Robertson and he was talking about God and carrying a Bible with a purple cover.
It's like, yeah, fucking religion is, you know, poison.
[00:41:34] Speaker B: It is.
[00:41:40] Speaker C: I found the.
[00:41:42] Speaker A: You found what?
[00:41:42] Speaker C: I found song.
Let me see if I can find it.
[00:41:47] Speaker A: A song?
[00:41:48] Speaker C: Yeah, about the system.
[00:41:52] Speaker A: A song about the system?
[00:41:55] Speaker C: Yep.
The system.
[00:41:58] Speaker A: Is it called the system?
[00:42:00] Speaker C: I think so.
[00:42:01] Speaker A: By Tom McDonald.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
[00:42:07] Speaker C: I found it funny.
[00:42:10] Speaker A: Yeah, no, he fucking, you know, that's, like, all his music.
[00:42:16] Speaker C: Yep.
[00:42:18] Speaker A: Like, I feel bad for, like, you know, rappers are like, I'm gonna make it big and get all the face tattoos and then fucking. No one gives a shit about him. I'm sure there's ton of fucking people out there that are just have face tattoos. Like, I was gonna be a rapper, and now I can only work at hot topic.
It's like, fuck.
But time for Florida story because obviously we have to do a Florida story because we haven't done one in a minute. Tampa doctor couldn't hear call colonoscopy patients scream because he wasn't wearing hearing aids.
At Tampa. Gastronomist, gastroenterologist, gastroenterologist. Enter the gas ologist was placed on probation following a Florida Department of Health investigation into claims that he wasn't hearing wearing hearing aids and couldn't hear the screams of a patient who woke up during the procedure. Um, well, hey, here's the thing. Just fucking get used to things in your ass. Like, it's fine.
[00:43:34] Speaker B: Was the doctor by himself? There wasn't an anesthesiologist with him.
[00:43:39] Speaker A: Um, according to the complaint, doctor ish wari um, prasad. I fucking butchered that.
[00:43:51] Speaker B: Yeah, that was awful. But I also have no idea how that should be pronounced.
[00:43:55] Speaker A: Ishwari Prasad was performing colonoscopies on two patients in June 2023 at the ambulatory surgery center in Tampa. The report claims that during one of the procedures, Prasad began inserting the colonoscopies colonoscopy scope before the patient was fully sedated. He goes on to say that the patient began yelling, but the doctor did not immediately stop the procedure, and he failed to realize that the patient was not fully sedated due to Prasad's failure to wear his assisted hearing devices during the procedure.
The patient woke up in the middle of the thing, and the staff couldn't communicate with a physician. Oh, so no one could talk to him?
[00:44:51] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:44:55] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, it's fine. You're not gonna die from.
[00:44:58] Speaker B: Oh, no, it's worse.
[00:45:03] Speaker C: What happened.
[00:45:05] Speaker A: Finally, Prasad is accused of allowing an unlicensed surgeon, surgical technician to perform part of the procedures, including inserting the scope, manipulating the scope, manipulating the snares over polyps, and or removing polyps.
During a meeting earlier this month, Florida Board of Medicine placed Prasad on probation. He can no longer conduct solo procedures until he is cleared by the state approved supervising doctor.
Yeah, just fucking see, this is why people are racist. Because I assume that this guy is not from America initially.
And people will be like, well, I don't want that guy fucking give me that indian doctor. I don't give a shit. Like, I would rather a fucking indian doctor that will tell it as it is.
Then, like, a white doctor that will try and sugarcoat it. It's like, well, you have diabetes, but you could work it off. It's like, doctor, both my legs are missing cause of diabetes. It's like, well, you know, look on the bright side. No, I want that fucking indian doctor. You're a fat piece of shit and you're going to die because you're a fat piece of shit with no impulse control. I hope you die. You're awful. You're gonna die burning hell. I'm like, ah, that's the doctor I want. Like, the fucking indian doctor. House.
I don't care if you don't have bedside manner. I want someone that will tell it like it is.
[00:46:56] Speaker B: No good, bad. Good bedside manner is important.
[00:47:01] Speaker A: Not for me.
But, like, I imagine, you know, he has a wife at home, and he goes to fuck her, and, you know, he takes out his hearing aids, and she's like, rug hole.
[00:47:17] Speaker D: Rug hole.
[00:47:18] Speaker A: Ow. Ow. You're fucking my ass. He's like, oh, yes, baby, I do like this. You're squatting.
It'd be awful if he was not indian. I got damn hope that this guy is fucking indian. I kind of, like, have, like, now look at a fucking picture of him.
[00:47:36] Speaker B: You kind of do.
[00:47:38] Speaker A: Like, if he's like, just completely, like, black or something, you know? Oh, he's still open. Definitely recommend him to friends and family. He has 3.2 stars out of five.
I need an image of him, please. Yeah, no, he's indian.
A hundred percent. Oh, my God. Yes. Thank God.
I don't know which one of these is him.
I hope it's not this fucking white guy right here.
I swear to God. Oh, my God. It's just this white fucking. Is this hime? Better not fucking be him.
No fucking.
I don't know.
Yes. It's like not giving me, like, an actual photo. There's just like a basic fucking photo.
Yeah. He does not have a photo of himself.
Smart man.
Definitely indian.
Jesus Christ, babe. What?
[00:49:01] Speaker B: We got to talk about the door dasher.
[00:49:05] Speaker A: Oh, so the other day we ordered Doordash, you know, hard left turn, you know, off of this fucking doctor. We ordered Doordash. We ordered like, little caesars or something. It was little cease, a little Caesars pizza. Fucking cardboard pizza. It's fine. Is it like, it's. It's not great pizza, but it's okay pizza.
And so, like, my. I have my wife order it because she has Doordash. And for some reason it's cheaper than ordering it straight from the restaurant, which is fine. Fuck corporations.
[00:49:45] Speaker B: I just don't want not to put him in credit card all the time.
[00:49:49] Speaker A: You can just, you know, go boop, boop, you know, using my credit card, it's fine.
But the dude, they're like, hey, he's on his way. And then I see a giant u haul pull up in front of the house. I'm like, there's no shot that this is our doordash.
And so, like, I'm wearing clothes and I go out and greet him and yep, for sure, this dude fucking shows up in a U haul.
And I'm like, I can't hate it. But you did not make money on this dude. Like, you're paying like twenty six cents a mile and you like, try drove like 5 miles to come do this. Like, it costs you like a couple bucks to just in mileage to do this horseshit. What are you doing with your life?
Like, I kind of wonder, like, if you could make money running a U haul now.
Like, just getting a U haul pickup truck, you know, having it for three days and, you know, just running doordash, like, how much money you would lose on mileage.
[00:51:13] Speaker B: Yeah. You have to pay shit ton for that, right?
[00:51:17] Speaker A: Yeah, and it absolutely sucks. And then you have to pay, like, the extra, like, $30 on top of it.
Yeah, but, you know, all in all, professional. I have no fucking problem with them. It's fine.
You know, hopefully he wasn't trying to, like, make money off of it. Hopefully he was just, like, in the way.
But what? One more story before we go on to. Am I the assholes and all that shit?
A road trip that spelled out will you marry me on the US map is in a breakup, and, like, let me share this with Courtney so she can.
[00:52:03] Speaker C: Yeah, I need this.
[00:52:05] Speaker A: See how fucking I need to see.
So this is a whole fucking us map.
Just says, will you fucking. Will you marry me?
You know, across the United States.
You know, the yellow parts are just, you know, the connecting lines, and it's like a child wrote it, but it's like, you know, do what you have to do.
[00:52:40] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:52:42] Speaker A: And I just imagine the backtracking, like, the coming down the, you know, backtracking, like, on the w. Just going all the way up, coming all the way. And she's like, why don't you just go over?
You don't have to fucking do that. You could just go down. Oh, you know, it's like, I'm trying to do something, babe. It's like. And then, like, she goes, like, down to the l and then up and then back all the way down. You could just go over, like, here. It's like I'm trying to do a thing and just, like, gets all the way to the end. It's like, why are you backtracking again?
I'm trying to do a thing, and then just, you know, they end up breaking up. Because, you know, he would not just, you know, ask a question.
Like, this seems obnoxious to me.
[00:53:38] Speaker B: It does.
[00:53:39] Speaker A: Entire fucking trip probably took, like, three fucking months.
[00:53:42] Speaker B: Yeah, no, that's a lot of driving.
[00:53:45] Speaker A: You know, across the United States a lot, you know, back and fucking forth.
[00:53:50] Speaker B: And it doesn't even look nice.
Like, it looks like veins.
[00:53:55] Speaker A: Like, I.
[00:53:56] Speaker B: Like, I thought it was a brain when I looked at it from, like, out of the corner of my eye.
[00:53:59] Speaker A: Like, I could probably do this in Colorado Springs. Like, I can probably just, like, you know, go around Colorado Springs and do a smaller, will you marry me? It would take a day, and then boom. Oh, look, check out the fucking thing. Oh, look, it says it. Will you marry me? That's adorable. And then, you know, boom, you can get married. And then, you know, have sex under the fucking eyes of God or whatever.
But I just.
I cannot imagine.
Like, I imagine they, like, get to, like, the end of this trip and, like, end up in, like, la or whatever, and then they, like, crash into a house.
They back up right into a house, and she's like, that's it. I'm fucking breaking up with you. I gotta actually read the story.
In an ambiguous romantic gesture, the american couple set up on a yemenite cross country road trip that culminated in a GPS drawing out the words, will you marry me? Across the map of the United States, Dan Hinschel, a mental health content creator from LA, shared the story of his elaborate plan with an unexpected outcome on the social, on X on Twitter. When I proposed my idea, it was simple. A road trip across the country that ultimately spelled out, will you marry me?
The challenge would.
Would be keeping it a secret until the very end. Since forming the letters properly required some trickery.
I forgot my wallet, etcetera, the proposal was designed to be a surprise. The challenge was keeping the GPS art plan a secret throughout the journey.
From his then girlfriend's perspective, they're simply embarking on a lengthy road trip together. The couple started in the Pacific coast and drove extensively throughout the US interstate highways, eventually ending their trek in the Atlantic coast.
Henshell admitted that he resorted to trickery multiple times during the trip to maintain the secrecy of this plan. For example, he pretended to have forgotten his wallet or come up with some excuses to ensure the route adhered to his meticulous design. A visualization of the final route revealed gaps in the trail highlighted agree, including in the sketches where the gps was intentionally turned off to preserve the element to survive.
Surprise.
The idea of a. For this dude. The idea of a trading proposal always involved a cross country trip.
However, despite the intricate planning and the effort involved in the coast to coast Drive, the proposal to not have the desired outcome.
And in the end, a trip ended up having a more important function. It showed us that ultimately, we weren't a good fit for each other.
He did not disclose a specific reason for the breakup.
I know the reason for the breakup, you idiot. You forgot your wallet one too many fucking times. I hate you. Yeah, I hate this guy.
I'm sure some girl out there would find this fucking romantic. Yeah and shit, but not me. Fuck you.
Now time for am I the asshole?
Let's just go right into it. By Lisa Simpson BFF.
Lisa Simpsons bffemen.
Am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend his dick size is average because he wouldn't stop asking. Guys never ask for the truth. Your dicks are all average, unless you're black and fucking buff and skinny or a white skinny guy. The rest, like, if you're a fat brown guy, you have a tiny dick. Just, you know, it's fine. Like, don't cry about it. Okay.
Um, but, um, let's get in. I hate talking about this because it always results in a fight. Lately, my boyfriend, Bennett, 23, male, that explains a lot. Has been bombarding me with questions about my sexual past. And it usually happens right after we have sex. Today, after he fucked and were cuddling together, Bennett asked how his dick compares to the other men I hooked up with. I brushed off the question, not wanting to talk about it, but he kept insisting. He promised he wouldn't get mad, and he said he just wanted me to be honest. Like, ten minutes of ten minutes pass of me trying to avoid the topic, but he wouldn't stop. Finally I said, your dick is a good size, but it's not the biggest. Um, then he asked how big the other guys were. I didn't really. Didn't know how. Um.
Don't know how. Because who the fuck measures the guy's dick before fucking them? Um. You ask a man, any. Every man in the United States of America, all of them, we know our dick sides, you know, to the 10th of an inch. It's crazy. We've all measured, every single one. Use a ruler. Fucking push up into the gun. It's fine.
We know how big our hard dick is. We, like, you know, try and push. Just get a little, you know, we, like, do everything we can to, like, you know, get that big size, like, stand on our tiptoes of our penis. You know, like, we do it, we measure.
He told me to guess how many inches bigger they were. I'm like, I don't know, three to four inches bigger.
When I said that, he looked like his heart sank. I could tell he got really sad. I tried reassuring him that bigger isn't always better, and as long as the sex is good, who cares? I'm not really the type of girl that cares about a man's dick size. Liar. Um, if anything, I prefer getting eaten out because it feels better and he always goes down on me. I tried explaining this to him, but he wouldn't listen. He started crying and said, I should have lied, idiot. But he literally kept telling me to be honest. I feel really bad now because he's still upset and even left the house for a while. We haven't spoke since that conversation. I'm worried he's gonna break up with me. Bennett is my first real relationship, and the other times I had sex with friends with benefits or random hookups. I'm 19, so I know we've had lots of time to settle down, but I can't imagine starting a girl. Start all over again.
[01:01:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:01:35] Speaker A: I don't know what to do. I've already apologized, but that doesn't seem to help. I wish I. He really never asked a question, but I think he's right, and I should have lied and said he was the biggest. If any guys have tips, please message me.
I might even.
I might even need a rebound in this case, it doesn't work out. Age doesn't matter, but older the better.
I.
[01:02:04] Speaker B: Girl.
[01:02:08] Speaker A: I'll wait till my wife is gone, and I'll fucking message you. It's fine.
But, yeah, like, lie to every man. Big. Oh, my God, your dick is.
[01:02:19] Speaker B: Yes. She should have just lied.
[01:02:22] Speaker A: This is a lesson you're gonna learn. You know, every man wants to think he's the biggest.
Obviously, he's never been to a fucking gym before, because, like, the amount of naked men I have seen in a gym locker room trumps any woman ever. Like, I have seen so many unsolicited dick pics. I've seen so many unsolicited dicks in real life. Just. You what? Every time you walk into that fucking bitch, you just see, like, fucking 50 fucking.
[01:02:56] Speaker B: Why you looking for them?
[01:02:58] Speaker A: They're just there.
Like, I. Like, I'm curious. I'm like, why is that dick red?
[01:03:07] Speaker B: Ew.
[01:03:08] Speaker A: Yeah. No, like, ew. Trust me. I've seen dicks that these men would not take pictures of. I've seen some ugly dicks. I've seen some huge fucking balls. Like, just all kinds of shit. Men, if you're out there listening to this shit, and you're like, I've been to the gym. Yeah, sound the fuck off. Of course you've seen some fucking weird dicks at the gym. You know, men have no shame. I've had my dick out at the gym. Other men have seen my penis. It's fine. I don't care. I'm not fucking shy about my fucking penis around other men, just like other women.
[01:03:46] Speaker B: Wait, how old is Bennett?
[01:03:49] Speaker A: 23.
[01:03:50] Speaker B: A 23 year old is crying about this.
This is like.
[01:03:55] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, once you hit 27, dude, you don't give a shit anymore. You understand? You understand the score. You understand everything.
You know, there's no shot. They're like, oh, no, I'm not the biggest penis in the world. No, you're gonna, like, find some old dude with huge balls and a big dick, and you're like, oh, no, he's jewish. And, like, I thought jews were supposed to have little dicks.
Guess what? Fucking big dicks are out there.
Like, Courtney. Like, does dick size matter for you?
Are you even still there?
Courtney?
No, no, we lost her to.
That's fine.
It's hilarious, cuz. Like, the second I asked her, like, I clicked over the taverns, like, she left, which means her phone fucking died.
[01:04:50] Speaker B: It does. Her phone died earlier. We were on the call.
[01:04:57] Speaker A: But here's another quick am I the asshole slash fucking relationship advice by ball sack barber? Jesus, dude. Like, sometimes I read your fucking names.
[01:05:09] Speaker B: And it's embarrassing and unoriginal.
[01:05:13] Speaker A: What are you talking about? Ball sec barber? You're awesome. Don't listen to my fucking, you know, dumb wife. You're awesome, ball sack barber.
So, girlfriend wants to break up because I won't pull out my. Pour out my whiskey. Am I the asshole? Yeah. 21 year old guy here. I drink pretty rarely in the past month. Maybe twice. I mean, a couple shots, maybe three. Nothing too crazy in the pool, man. Um. That hits the spot.
[01:05:43] Speaker B: Oh, I. It does.
[01:05:45] Speaker A: Man. Oh, man. So, yeah, my girlfriend saw that I had a bottle of whiskey on my shelf, unopened, by the way. She tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable with me having it. Yeah, I know. Pretty weird, right? Is this normal to other people?
Turns into an argument. I'm like, what? You can't be serious. Then I explained to her I don't even drink that. Like, she doesn't feel comfortable with.
And then goes, it's fuck my feelings, right?
I look like I'm being immature. I won't drink without letting you know. Gosh, I know. Don't rub it. This went in.
I'm pretty tired tonight. So I said, look, I don't want to argue about this. I just want you to trust me. I need you to know that I make my own decisions. She says, so you're choosing a bottle of whiskey over our relationship? And then she blocks me.
What do you think? Fellas? Ladies, you're welcome too, edit. Guys, she and her family do not drink. She has one margarita, and then she's out. Not a past alcoholic, just a control freak. Um, the fuck? Get her the fuck out of your life, my guy.
[01:06:59] Speaker B: This is the best.
[01:07:02] Speaker A: Look, like, if it is a problem, in your life, then it is a problem in your life. That. That is fine.
But if booze is not a problem in your life, it's not like I drink pretty regularly.
I took a year off just to prove that I can.
And, you know, sometimes I'll take a week or two off here and there, just back boom. You know, that. That way I can keep myself in check, you know? But you're a 21 year old guy fucking taking a couple shots.
[01:07:46] Speaker B: You're 21. You're drinking a lot more than just a couple shots.
[01:07:50] Speaker A: My dude, maybe three, dude. I had like five the other day, like, on the regular. Like, I have fucking.
I have a bunch of whiskey, dude. Like, fucking be my friend. Ball sec, barber. My ball sack needs it to be a partnered up.
But yeah, I mean, fuck her.
Well, like, I want to know how fucking old your girlfriend is because you're not, you know, if she's 21, you know, she's. Bless you.
She's being immature. Bless you.
And she's just kind of fucking being a dumb bitch.
And that's fine.
You know, being worried about alcoholism is a real thing because. Bless you. Because I. I do have friends that are severe alcoholics and have lost a bunch of shit because of it.
And I've seen, you know, alcoholism at its peak.
So, yeah, I mean, she might be worried. And if you are, you know, lying on your post and make, you know, in the past month, maybe twice, I mean, you know, so six shots a month. Fucking. I do karaoke and I do like six shots a week.
You know, I do a roulette and I get a free shot. Boom. Whiskey down the gullet. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And I'm drinking on top of that. So the amount of times I've talked to the fucking cops while being drunk, walking down the road is wild.
Dude, you're young. Fucking move on. I guess if she's trying to be control freak, let me see what the fucking comments say. Not the asshole. Let her block you.
I hate when people say so. You're choosing bullshit. Yeah, exactly, woman. Here, you don't drink too excessive. There's no problem here. Her behavior is rather controlling and manipulative. Block her back. Don't change any social media says as a single or no. Change any social media status as a single and move on with your life.
Yeah, no. Do you 21? Fucking make your own decisions now? To relationship advice by throwaway hat 7371.
My husband, 30, my 35 female husband, 34 male, is upset I donated my wedding dress. How do I tell him I don't want to be reminded of our wedding? Well, girl, if you donated your wedding dress, that's on you.
A few months ago, I found out my husband got cold feet at her wedding. Who doesn't?
We've been married for nine years and dated for twelve. I thought they were happy years. My father in law drunkenly admitted that my husband had fled. The morning of the wedding, with help of his friends, my father in law got wind of this and dragged him back and told him to either marry me or tell me he didn't want to, but not leave me at the altar. He chose to get married. I had no idea about this. My wedding was a very special day. I felt beautiful and extremely happy. I knew my husband was a bit tipsy, but reassured him that it was just. But he reassured me that it was just nerves.
I felt completely numb. I talked with other members of the family and with my husband. He admitted he fled because he was afraid of the future and what ifs. He didn't want to marry me and he don't want to embrace me either. We have a frame picture of our wedding before the ceremony.
I know that there's no similar picture of my husband because he had left.
Also, we have our my wedding dress in the closet. My dreading wedding was one of the few times I felt beautiful. I'm much plainer than his exes, but love has made me glow. And now I just see a naive woman. I walk past the wedding picture every day thinking about it. I can't open my closet without seeing the wedding dress in its sealed bag. I tried hiding them, but I keep thinking about it. I don't want to be reminded. So I threw away the picture, donated the wedding dress. Some bride will feel absolutely beautiful in it. That gives me happiness.
My husband saw the frame picture was missing. I admitted I threw it out and donated the wedding dress. He completely shut down. How do I reiterate to him that I don't want any reminders of the wedding? I hope somebody out there will give the dress a new happiness.
[01:13:11] Speaker B: What the fuck?
[01:13:13] Speaker A: So, you know, to break down the story, the husband fucking, you know, tried to run away from the wedding. He wanted to leave the bridegest on the fucking altar and say, you know, I'm kind of. Fuck you, bitch.
You know, oscilla vista. I want to live my own life. I'm scared of what the future has told and. Yeah, I get that. And then, like, the father in law. So the bride's dad tracked him down, fucking brought him back and said, hey, marry her or don't but, you know, do not leave her on the fucking altar.
And so he's like, okay, I'll go through with the wedding. And, you know, she lived a life for years until, you know, her dad was like, you know, might be his dad. No, father in law. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, the husband's dad fucking. It's like, yeah, I fucking had to drag his ass back.
But, yeah, I mean, she could have just lived in naivete forever.
[01:14:27] Speaker B: I mean, they being together nine years, that should accounts for something in my book.
[01:14:33] Speaker A: I mean, like, when people get cold.
[01:14:35] Speaker B: Feet at weddings, I think it's kind of normal. It's a big decision, and all of a sudden it's you, full face.
[01:14:41] Speaker A: I mean, you still have your wedding dress, right?
[01:14:43] Speaker B: Yes, of course.
Never getting rid of my wedding dress. It's my princess dress.
[01:14:49] Speaker A: You're not gonna donate it to some other brother?
[01:14:51] Speaker B: No, it's mine. I. You don't. I paid money for that dress. I am not donating it.
[01:14:57] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, you paid it entirely for that. I didn't pay shit for that dress.
[01:15:01] Speaker B: No.
[01:15:01] Speaker A: Do whatever you want with it. I don't care.
[01:15:03] Speaker B: It's mine. It's my princess dressed. And although I do want to get it altered, I want to zip her in the back so I can get into it by myself.
[01:15:11] Speaker A: That's fine. Do whatever you want with it. Like I said, it's your dress.
[01:15:16] Speaker B: I also want the stay shortened a little bit.
[01:15:18] Speaker A: I don't know what that is, but.
[01:15:19] Speaker B: I know you don't.
I want comments. I'm conflicted.
[01:15:27] Speaker A: Okay, let's see what they say.
I don't think this is about the dress. This is the fact that you believe your marriage is built on a lie because you fled and thus everything sub sequent is tainted. You too need a neutral third party to help you navigate all these extremely strong and valid feelings. Marriage counseling therapy will help you rebuild the trust in the relationship, help you decide if you want to leave the marriage directly. Tell what you wrote here. I don't want any reminders about the wedding day around. It was one of the best days of your life. So you cherish the photo on the dress. Now they remind you that he fled and you don't, and he didn't want to marry you. It hurts. So you got rid of them or let him read the post.
I was in a somewhat similar situation. My ex husband's mom and dad convinced him to marry me because I was a nice girl. I was a nice girl. Also very naive.
He was my first real boyfriend. So no life experience during my marriage. I felt like I can never do anything right. Everything bothered him. He was looking back. He was just miserable, and therefore made me miserable. After 14 years of marriage, I walked away. He told me I was a nice girl and would find someone right away. Apparently, he never got over his ex girlfriend.
Yeah, I'm over my ex girlfriends.
[01:17:14] Speaker B: Better be. God.
[01:17:17] Speaker A: I'm like, let me see.
[01:17:22] Speaker B: Don't sit there and try to remember your ex girlfriend in front of me.
[01:17:27] Speaker A: I'm pretty sure, like, you're pretty sure one of them is, like, married.
[01:17:33] Speaker B: And you know this because?
[01:17:35] Speaker A: I'm friends with her brother.
I'm like. I'm like, better friends with her brother than I was with her.
Tell him the truth. He was allowed to have cold feet, and you're allowed to dislike the memory of him of it. I can't imagine he would tell you to otherwise. Consider his own behavior.
Tell him just like that. It's one of the happiest days of your life, tainted by the fact that I'm not for your father. Never happened.
Pictures and the dress feel like a lie.
Yeah. I mean, that's truly what it is.
And you've been married for nine years. You have a nine year old dress, you know? Oh, no. We have to get. Get rid of the fucking dress. Who cares?
[01:18:30] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Carol gave me her wedding dress, and then my mom threw it away.
[01:18:36] Speaker A: That's hilarious.
[01:18:37] Speaker B: I know. Like, I had so much fun dressing up and wearing it around the house, and then my mom threw it away. And then Carol, like, for a while is asking me, where's my wedding dress? And I was like, I didn't know what to tell her, so I was like, oh, it's probably just somewhere in my closet. And then she did bring it up when we went. When we went bridal dress shopping for me once, she was like, what about my dress? And I was like, carole, don't ask questions you don't want answers to.
[01:19:08] Speaker A: You just throw your mom under the bus. Throw your parents under the bus. Make. They threw it away.
[01:19:14] Speaker B: You know, I don't want to tell my best friend's mom that her wedding dress got thrown away. That's just. It's mean.
Carl's better off thinking that I. It's lost somewhere. As opposed to my parents my mom made to get rid of him because for a while, Carol, my mom, were really good friends.
[01:19:34] Speaker A: We lose, like, Gordy has never come back. At this point.
[01:19:38] Speaker B: How long have we even gone?
[01:19:39] Speaker A: I mean, it's been like 15 extra minutes, so. But that's it. Thank you all so much for fucking being here. Thank you all so much for, you know, listening to this. I should just thank my mom. Thank you, mom, for listening to my podcast.
You're a great mother.
You're a cool mother.
Thank you.
Also, I got quantum Internet. So if anyone out there wants quantum Internet, I'm going to post a link to Quantum Internet in this podcast description. It is way faster than xfinity. Way better service than xfinity. Xfinity.
Fuck xfinity. At this point, I've switched over to quantum fiber Internet.
It is great shit. I love it. Awesome mochi.
Quit looking like that.
[01:20:38] Speaker B: She cozy.
[01:20:39] Speaker A: Okay. But thank you all. We will see you all next week. Goodbye.
Wanna say goodbye to people?
[01:20:47] Speaker B: Oh, bye. Fuck y'all.
[01:20:50] Speaker A: Alright, kids, if you're still here, I did get my set from jury duty, so here it is. Enjoy or don't hate me, I don't care, whatever. Enjoy.
[01:21:05] Speaker D: Please welcome your first comedian, Alex Pacheco.
Thank you, Taylor.
I don't know if no one told you, you're supposed to find a corporate ladder and not a real ladder, honestly. Jesus.
But I wasn't here last Monday. That's because I had to go to jury duty. Who in here has done jury duty? There's like a few of you like, oh, God.
You know, a few weeks ago when I got my summons, I'm like, yeah, cool. I went to my boss and I'm like, hey, boss, I have jury duty. And he's like, well, maybe. I'm like, what do you mean maybe? He's like, well, you have to call in. I'm like, where does it say that there is a giant box on the outside of the jury summons? Every single one that says important, please read. I didn't read shit on that. I just read the date and the time. I'm like, cool, I'll be there.
And the first line, it says, call to this number and we will, you know, tell you if you have to show up. Well, I went online because I'm fucking nervous knowing I don't like talking to people.
And, you know, I checked my boss, I'm like, I have to be a journalist. Duty tomorrow, last Monday. And he's like, all right, well, if you're racist, you might get out of it. I'm like, all right, cracker. He's like, no, not to me. To the people there.
[01:22:43] Speaker A: I'm like.
[01:22:46] Speaker D: I can't do that. You know, I'm brown. They'll know. They'll know that I'm not, you know, it's not in my heart. And I also put me on a list with the government. I don't want that list, please. He's like, all right, fine.
And so I show up to jury duty. It's like my little pamphlet. That's like, what's your name and address? And on the other side is where they fucking, like, mail this shit to me. I'm like, how do I name and address? Right here. I don't know why you need that. You're the government. You have my information.
But I filled it in, you know.
[01:23:19] Speaker A: Being a good boy.
[01:23:20] Speaker D: I'm like, all right, here you go. Then they hand me a bigger fucking questionnaire. I'm like, oh, but I'm a comedian, and I don't want to be there anyway. In fact, this is what I wore to jury duty. This exact fucking outfit, you know, shit show supervisor, fucking cat shirt. I didn't care. I wanted to get out of it as quick as possible.
And so they're like, what are your hobbies? And I'm like, lying to lawyers and cock and ball torture.
And they're like, all right. Have you ever been a victim of a crime? I'm like, taxation is theft. So every day. How dare you guys? Ugh. And, you know, I see the most professional looking, smart dressed woman coming down the aisle, like someone like taylor just, you know, picking up all the questionnaires. Cause they called me first, you know? And they're like, she's picking them up, you know, smiling. Yeah. Reading them really quick. Yeah. And then she gets to me, looks at me, looks at my questionnaire, frowns and keeps it moving. I know she wanted to say some shit to me, and it's like, ugh, man, I hope she kicks me out of here. No. Took me up to the fifth fucking floor. And it's like, all right, come on in.
[01:24:36] Speaker A: Everyone.
[01:24:37] Speaker D: Come to this, like, church of lawyers.
[01:24:40] Speaker A: Quiet.
[01:24:40] Speaker D: Like, take off your hat. Get into the pews, you know, make sure you kneel and pray to the judge. Kiss his hand. I'm like, I don't like this.
But, you know, I'm sitting there quietly, you know, just playing Sudoku in the, you know, the corner. He's like, don't fucking talk to this. Don't say anything about this jury shit. Like, I don't care. I'm not even listening to you. And then he starts asking questions, saying, does anyone know anyone here? You know, a few people dead.
And I'm like, oh, cool. That doesn't matter at all. That person cuts hair. That person, you know, knows that guy, whatever. Who cares? And then he's like, does anyone have a financial fucking thing that's gonna screw them up if they're here for the next three days?
The dumbest people in the room raise their hands.
Look at that guy.
And one lady's like, I have add. And I'm like, what? He said financial? Am I misconstruing something here? I know I was playing Sudoku, but I heard financial.
There was only two answers in that room that made kind of sense. None of them were financial. One guy's like, I'm getting married tomorrow, so I can't be here. I'm like, yeah, your wife would divorce you for sure. And the other guy was like, I have court tomorrow at this courthouse for disobeying the court.
And I'm like, yeah, fucking get that guy out of here.
[01:26:11] Speaker A: So the judge goes through and asks.
[01:26:13] Speaker D: A bunch of more dumb questions I didn't pay attention to. And he's like, y'all can go away for an hour and a half and eat lunch. I'm like, cool. Went down to, like, a vegan place, you know, ate some fucking vegan stuff. My friend owns it. It's good food, you know, gave me, like, a chicken sandwich. Good guy.
And, you know, we come back, and then the lawyers started asking us all questions. Now, before this point, I thought lawyers were smart. I thought they were good, smart people that went to college.
They're not.
They are all dumb. Hire a lot of them just based on these two lawyers. All lawyers have done. Any lawyers in here? Thank God.
So the first lawyer starts asking dumb questions like, what's your favorite tv show? I'm like, fucking breaking bad.
[01:27:07] Speaker A: Of course.
[01:27:08] Speaker D: He's like, oh, all right.
How do you find a person credible? I'm like, everyone is alive. I am lying that I want to be here. Like, you're lying that you want to be here. Everyone here looks miserable. Why are we here? That woman is probably guilty. To send her to jail. If you caught her, you caught her.
And they just kept on fucking moving.
They kept on coming back to me. I'm like, kick me out of here. I obviously don't want to be here. These dorks all want to fucking be here.
[01:27:42] Speaker A: Sign them up.
[01:27:43] Speaker D: Sign twelve of them up. Kick me out.
And then the prosecutor gets up, and this is how I knew I never wanted to commit a crime, because they get up and they're like, hey, if we showed you a video of a man getting murdered with an axe, would you convict him?
And I'm like, yeah, of course. If I saw his face and everything. And it's like, well, we don't have the date that it happened. It was like on an old video camera. I'm like, yeah, still, yes. Like, well, that's illegal. Would you still do. I'm like, what are you like, what is this questioning? Are you smarter?
[01:28:27] Speaker A: Did you not go like, what is happening? I fucking hate you all.
[01:28:32] Speaker D: That's it.
And they're like, well, it's illegal in Colorado to convict if you don't have every bit of information according to the case. And I'm like, well, I guess send me to jail because I'm still convicting this axe murderer and they just kick me out of the fucking court. Like, yeah, no, not you. We're gonna send these other fucking racist people to fucking convict the person which I'm pretty sure they got convicted.
[01:29:04] Speaker A: But thank you very much. I'm announcing Jaco.
