Tape Fish On ATMs

[00:00:02] Speaker A: Alrighty. Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Human podcast. We're back. You know, my wife is done with being sick with COVID I have survived. [00:00:15] Speaker B: I'm done with being sick with COVID. [00:00:17] Speaker A: And I didn't get it at all. Fuck you at all. Not even a little bit. Not even a little bit sick. I fucking powered through because I'm a man, and that's what happens. Men fucking rule the world because we don't get sick with COVID Oh, my gosh. You weak women. [00:00:32] Speaker C: True. [00:00:33] Speaker B: Men actually get more pain medication for the same procedures than women. It's pretty funny. [00:00:41] Speaker C: No, it's not. [00:00:43] Speaker B: No, it's not. But, I mean, like, guys think they're all macho and they're not. [00:00:48] Speaker A: I don't get pain medication as a dude. I'm a fucking tough ass dude, and I don't need it. And women, like, my wife has all kinds of fucking medications. She has a fucking candy store of medications, okay? [00:01:06] Speaker C: I only break out my freaking pain meds for kidney stones, okay? And, like, super bad stuff. The rest of it, I don't give a flying fuck. I'm going to work. [00:01:16] Speaker A: Well, yeah, you'll still go to work, but I don't know what your medications actually do. [00:01:21] Speaker C: Do you want to know? [00:01:22] Speaker A: No. [00:01:22] Speaker C: Okay. [00:01:24] Speaker A: Because I'll forget, and then it's like, wasted words. [00:01:30] Speaker C: I'm not on any current pain medications. It's all for my bodily. It's all for my body's mouth. It's for this broken down cage of flesh. [00:01:41] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I have some ibuprofen if I have a headache, which is like, cluster headaches, and that's it. Hi, mo. Would you like to say hello to the people? Go ahead and say hello to the people there. [00:01:57] Speaker C: Ooh, that was a good one. [00:02:01] Speaker A: Do you want to get up on your. Get up there, hop up on your fucking little bed up there. Go. Yeah. My cat's an asshole, and she just wants my attention when she knows I'm busy. She's like, you're doing the podcast. Right now is a perfect time to pet me as you have to click through the news. I know, Mochi, you're such an asshole. This is the problem with having animals. Pets in general, is they need you like children. But a child will eventually grow up and move out of the fucking House. Mochi will never grow opposable thumbs and be able to get her own fucking food or scoop her own litter box. [00:02:59] Speaker C: No, she has servants to scoop her litter box. Why would she do it? [00:03:04] Speaker A: So she's like, you scoop my litter box, clean my poo, throw it away. It's disgusting. [00:03:10] Speaker C: Wait, am I literally just my cat's bidet? [00:03:12] Speaker A: Yeah, pretty much. [00:03:13] Speaker C: Okay. [00:03:14] Speaker A: I mean, literally, my wife today was cleaning her cat's butt. I'm like, I'm hungry. And so I go and try and find my wife, and she's in the bathroom, like, vigorously scrubbing her fluffy cat's asshole because it, like, diarrhea shitted all over itself. [00:03:33] Speaker C: He's got long hair. He needs help back there. He can't do it all by himself. Not what it was that much. [00:03:40] Speaker A: Still. I'm like, that's disgusting. [00:03:42] Speaker C: No, I'm a good pet, mom. [00:03:44] Speaker A: What a fucking name. My cat doesn't do that. My cat is a lovely lady. [00:03:49] Speaker C: Your cat has short hair around her asshole, not long hair. Chai tea's fur is literally, like, four times the length of hers. He needs help sometimes. [00:03:57] Speaker A: Just shave a cat's asshole. [00:03:59] Speaker C: I don't have my clippers. They're at work. Otherwise, quite honestly, I probably would have just shaved it off. But all my grooming equipment is at work. [00:04:06] Speaker A: Yeah, just go to all the long hair cats and just poop, poop, like, right around their asshole. It's like when people trim a horse's tail so they don't get poop in the tail. Yeah. [00:04:15] Speaker C: No, I do it for a lot of cats. I call it a landing strip. [00:04:19] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a sanitary pet. A lot of dogs do it, too. [00:04:25] Speaker C: I'm really good at shaving. I leave just like, the outside of the pantaloone, so when they're walking, you don't notice they're shaved unless you actively look for it. I'm really good at doing it. It's not obvious. [00:04:37] Speaker A: Call me weird, but I don't look at cats assholes. [00:04:42] Speaker C: It's my job to look at cat's assholes. And sometimes I have to put a finger up their butt. [00:04:46] Speaker A: Yeah, I've never done that. [00:04:48] Speaker C: It's not pleasant for either party involved. I always feel so bad. I feel so bad doing it. [00:04:55] Speaker A: Yeah. Mochi can walk around knowing that I will not stick fingers on her. [00:05:00] Speaker C: And everyone at work makes me do it because I have the tiniest fingers. [00:05:04] Speaker A: You have a little oompa loompa fingers. Like, oompa loompa dupity do. I'm sticking fingers all in you. [00:05:16] Speaker C: I mean, I call it going fishing, though. [00:05:19] Speaker A: Why does your fingers smell like fish afterwards? [00:05:22] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:05:23] Speaker A: That's disgusting. That's awful. See, I can't be a fucking vet tech because I don't have school for it. But also, I don't want to touch your animal. I'll be the pet. I'll be like the petter, like the one that's like, good boy or good girl and give them pets on their head and make them feel better and give them treats. I can do that. And then. Is that a job? [00:05:53] Speaker C: Yeah, sometimes as a technician, it's your job to distract the animal while the doctor is doing stuff. So if I'm in a room, I will literally be feeding a cat a true roux. And the doctor's doing, like, your whole exam, and I'm just like, feeding the cat, and the cat's just like, oh, my God, this is the most delicious thing ever. I don't even know what's going on. It's fucking cat crack. It works so good, especially with baby cats. They don't even know they're getting vaccinated. They just love their cheru so much. And sometimes they'll be like, restraining a cat and can someone come be a head tapper? And so one of us comes over and taps the kitty's head on their nose or something, try to distract them. So it kind of just confuses them a little bit. [00:06:31] Speaker A: Yeah, you just blow on their head and then they're like, what the fuck is happening? [00:06:34] Speaker C: Oh, I do that too. Especially when they're on their back and we're doing, like, an ultrasound or something. That's very helpful. [00:06:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:42] Speaker C: So confused. [00:06:44] Speaker A: If Mochi starts yelling at me, I'm like, every time she says something, she's like, meow. I'm like, at. And she's like, what is that? Why are you making that noise? And she stops for a half a second and then she starts back up again. And then she just gets madder and madder. [00:07:06] Speaker C: There are some cats, they'll be so pissed off, and if you laugh at them, they get even more mad. It's the best thing ever. [00:07:14] Speaker A: Yeah. My cat was all pissed off at me because I worked six days this week and normally I'm home fucking Friday afternoon, and she's like, she's just not here. [00:07:25] Speaker C: She got pissy beating up the boy cats. She was not happy. [00:07:33] Speaker A: Whatever. [00:07:33] Speaker C: And then what'd she do when you came home? She decided to cuddle with me. [00:07:39] Speaker A: Okay, fuck you, mochi. [00:07:42] Speaker B: Yeah, cats do that. She was mad that you were gone for so long and was outing. [00:07:51] Speaker A: Well, let's go ahead and just jump right into some fucking news because I don't have any fucking comedy sets to fucking upload, but I will have one next Monday, it'll be garbage horseshit like it usually is, but one day it'll be slightly less garbage. Still garbage. Still hot garbage. Like, oh, man. [00:08:17] Speaker C: I think that's a worthy goal. [00:08:19] Speaker A: Just like, a little bit less garbage. Pretty much. This is the whole goal of comedians, to not be the new guy and be like, well, this guy has more time. He's still like, there's people up on Netflix that I'm like, his comedy is not for me. And so for me, he is trash. And I'd not pay know. Go see him. But I guess other people like it. [00:08:49] Speaker C: Target audience. It's an interesting concept. [00:08:54] Speaker A: There's just some fucking comedy sets. I'm like, how is this funny? [00:08:59] Speaker C: Oh, it's like me with yours. [00:09:02] Speaker A: Yeah, I talk about dicks and balls and farts and shits, and you're just like, I don't think that's funny. That's not funny. You're not funny. Like, you're a disappointed asian parent with my comedy. You're like, you saw disappointment. You the awful list. You bad at comedy. You keep your job as truck driver. You don't go nowhere. You keep petting kitty. Do not eat kitty. Pet the kitty. Drive your truck. And, yeah, you can do fucking ha ha every once in a while. I know, I get it. [00:09:46] Speaker C: You can't be going nowhere if you drive a truck, though. [00:09:50] Speaker A: I drive the same area. So I drive there and I drive back, and I went nowhere. I made deliveries. But what? [00:10:00] Speaker C: Oh, I want to look up the definition of nowhere. [00:10:04] Speaker A: The opposite of so. All right, on to some news. An Oklahoma bill would require furries to be picked up from school by parents. So Oklahoma, I guess, has a fucking gripe against these know. Do you know what furries are? [00:10:27] Speaker C: Of course I know what furries are. [00:10:29] Speaker A: So for those that don't know what furries are, they are people that act as animals. Anthropomorphic animals, pretty much. Imagine someone that has, like, a mascot outfit on from a football game and just does it, like, full time and pretends that they're a dog or a cat or whatever fucking animal they want to be a dragon. [00:10:50] Speaker C: They are living their best life. [00:10:52] Speaker A: That's fine. That's all good and dandy. Mochi, can you not step on all my shit? Yeah, you're an asshole. Thank you. Stay up there. I offered that earlier. And you're just a piece of shit. [00:11:09] Speaker C: Momo is a cat. [00:11:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:11] Speaker C: You can lead a cat to a bed. You cannot make them lay down in it. [00:11:14] Speaker A: Yeah, fucking lay down. So the Oklahoma people out there fucking hate these goddamn furries. People that think that they're animals and they are trying to make a bill that targets these people. And the Humphrey bill, house Bill 30 84, would ban students who purpose to be. Is that a word? Purpose. [00:11:48] Speaker C: P-U-R-P-O-R-T-I don't know if you're saying it quite right. [00:11:53] Speaker A: Propose. [00:11:54] Speaker C: Yeah, it's basically like that. [00:11:57] Speaker A: But to be an imaginary animal or animal species who engage in anthromorphic behavior, commonly referred to as furries at school, from participating in class and school activities. So, like, fuck you. You can't be at school if you're going to be a furry. [00:12:15] Speaker C: So that's just going to make more kids want to be furries because they don't want to be at school. This is very counterintuitive. [00:12:25] Speaker A: So the bill would require parents or guardians to pick up the student from school. But if parents are unable to pick up the student up, animal control services shall be contacted to remove the student, which is going to be a fucking badge of honor for these. You understand that? They don't give a fuck. [00:12:47] Speaker C: How did it make it this far? [00:12:50] Speaker A: Because a fucking dude that wears glasses and a cowboy hat fucking hates the fact that his son is a furry. He's like, dad, I'm going to go out there and fuck other furries and make little furry babies. And it's like, yeah, it's just some fucking dude. And he has a brooch too. That's the gayest thing ever. Like, fucking Calvin. [00:13:18] Speaker C: I didn't even see the brooch. [00:13:19] Speaker A: I immediately saw the brooch and it's like, dude, I hate to say this. [00:13:26] Speaker C: But so do you not like brooches? [00:13:28] Speaker A: No, not on men. [00:13:29] Speaker C: Why don't you like them? They're more traditionally worn by men. [00:13:33] Speaker A: Like, if you're a woman that wears, like, a headmistress of a boarding school, you could wear a brooch. Or like, a fucking monarch of a fucking family. You can wear a. But, like, if you're a dude, like this dork. [00:13:50] Speaker C: He is a dork. I'm not denying that. [00:13:52] Speaker A: This is fucking Chad as a cowboy. [00:13:55] Speaker C: This dude's a representative for a state. [00:13:58] Speaker A: Yeah. Oklahoma representative Justin Humphrey is the one that's making this whole fucking bill. It's not going to pass. There's no fucking shot in hell it's going to pass. [00:14:09] Speaker C: Not if they're going to ask animal control to come pick up rabid children. [00:14:13] Speaker A: But it fucking got me to look at it, which is hilarious because it would just be like, yeah, I got picked up by animal. They would call their parents like, do not come get. And then it's going to go too far one day, and they're like, you euthanize my son. It's like, yeah, you didn't come pick him up. It's like, I know, but at the same time, have the thing you like, but you don't have to do it all the time. Like, if I go to a funeral, I'm not going to be like, hey, guys, I want to do a five minute comedy set for you. How inappropriate would that fucking be? Just like, so this bitch over here fucking owed me $5, so I'm going to do some comedy. Roasting her. Like, she's roasting in hell right now. Hilarious. Laugh. Laugh track. Oh, you're crying harder that your mom's burning in hell. Who are you? Just some dude. I didn't even know this person. Fuck you, and then just leave. But, yeah, fucking do the thing you enjoy on your own time. Go to furry conventions. Fucking hang out with your friends. You can wear a tail during school. That's fine, whatever. I don't care. A bunch of my friends did, but they weren't like, furries. They're just like, I have a spirit of a dog in me, and I'm like, whatever, a loser. But the thing is, when I was in high school, out of, we thought we were the coolest because we were, like, the mismatch. We're the isle of misfit toys of the high school. We took the Yu gi oh players, and we had, like, a little bit from everybody, and we're like, yeah, we're the coolest. We're the dorkiest fucking guys around. The biggest fucking dorks. You look and it's like, oh, God damn it. Yeah. [00:16:33] Speaker C: I'm too hot. [00:16:37] Speaker A: Okay, much better as you fucking touch your microphone. I didn't remember where I was at. Fucked me up. That's the worst part about heckling and comedy. It's like, fuck. Now I have to get onto another subject because I'm add over here, and I forgot what a joke I was on, especially if you don't have your little book up there. What are you looking for? [00:17:06] Speaker C: Nothing. [00:17:07] Speaker A: You're, like, looking around. [00:17:08] Speaker C: Yeah, because I knocked something over and I was making sure it wasn't full of something. [00:17:11] Speaker A: Okay. All right, next story. Because my add is fucking hitting hard. A retired teacher's pension is stopped as the provider refuses to believe she is not dead. Now, there is a picture of her here. I'll fucking share this goddamn thing. That way Courtney can fucking see she is old as shit. She has, like, an old man nose. It's fucking like, she is balding. And women don't bald for some reason. [00:17:52] Speaker C: She has a receding hairline. She's not balding. [00:17:55] Speaker A: No, it's balding. Women, for some reason, just don't go bald. They'll thin out. I'll see some lady that's like 100 years old, and she's definitely thinned out. But it's not as bad as men. Men will be like, hey, I'm 34 and bald. [00:18:14] Speaker C: Once my hair starts going, like, gray, I won't have to have it bleached for it to be pink anymore. I'll just have to have it dyed. [00:18:20] Speaker A: Yeah, you're going to be that quirky fucking old lady. Like, look at my pink hair. [00:18:25] Speaker B: But, I mean, it's always so. It's not really that different. [00:18:30] Speaker C: No. Yeah, no, I'd be weird without my pink hair. [00:18:35] Speaker B: Yeah. It's funny. Years ago, before I moved to Colorado, I told my grandma about different colored hair. And she's like, oh, one of the girls at the salon I go to has different colored hair, and it's pretty. And then when I moved back, she had changed her mind and thought that it was weird. She's so weird. [00:19:04] Speaker C: Wait, did your grandma think I was weird then because my hair was colored? [00:19:08] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. She thought it was like, quite honestly. [00:19:14] Speaker A: I just get your own fucking beer. [00:19:18] Speaker B: I know, right? She didn't like any of the beer at the store, Alex. That's why she's stealing your beer. She stole some of your beer the other day. [00:19:27] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. I get good fucking mountain times and fucking pbrs. And then she's like, I don't like my $200 beers. They're garbage. [00:19:37] Speaker C: I'm just out of beer. [00:19:38] Speaker A: Tough. So for me, I bought it. [00:19:42] Speaker C: I know you did. [00:19:43] Speaker B: Yeah, her beer was out of stock. [00:19:46] Speaker A: Yeah, I fucking pulled a beer out of my fucking mini fridge for me. And then she's like, give me a fucking entitled woman. [00:19:55] Speaker C: I am entitled. It's your fault. Come on, Alex. [00:19:58] Speaker A: No, tough. She can get her own fucking beer. The fridge is right there. She can stand up and get her own fucking beer. Fuck her. But yeah. Eileen McGrath, an 85 year old woman. Yeah. How can the fucking pension people not believe that an 85 year old is not dead? Like, if she was 104, I beck, okay, but they stopped her pension payments four times because they refused to believe that this bitch wasn't fucking dead. They're like, what the fuck? No, we need to knock it off. That's like, dude, she has crazy eyebrows, too. I'm like. I'm not even, like, being mean. She has the fucking eyebrows from the dad from Schitt's creek. [00:20:47] Speaker C: She does? [00:20:49] Speaker A: Yeah. Just fucking bushy ass. But she looks like a really sweet teacher. She has, like, the face of. She was sweet until you pissed her off. And then the eyebrows come down into, like, fucking angry eyebrows, and it's like, shut the fuck up. She looks like the type of person, like, the second segregation was over, she still used the n word from time to time. And it's like, you can't say that anymore. Eileen. Maybe she has one leg. That's why your name is Eileen. [00:21:28] Speaker C: I did not know that's how that was pronounced. I thought it was Aelyn for some. [00:21:35] Speaker A: Eileen. Hmm. [00:21:37] Speaker C: I've only ever read it. I've never heard it said out loud before. [00:21:40] Speaker A: E is silent. E-I-L-E-E-N. Eileen McGrath. Or I could be completely fucking wrong. And she's, like, scottish, and she's like, oh, my God. Yeah. I don't know, but she looks fucking american as shit, so I'm going to just give her an american. But, yeah, four days before Christmas, the pension was not paid, and so she did not have any money for Christmas to give her little shitty grandkids any money. Good. I'm sure that she's going to sue and then get the last eight payments of her life. Honestly, I don't even give a shit. [00:22:34] Speaker C: Okay. I thought this kind of stuff, like, they needed to have a death certificate in order to stop making payments. If they haven't received a death certificate, how are they able to do that? Because when my grandpa died, my grandma was actively fighting with companies to be like, no, he's dead. Here is the death certificate. My husband is dead. Like, she was fighting with them. Yeah, prove he was dead. [00:23:01] Speaker A: What's crazy is if they accidentally declare you dead, your fucking credit disappears. So all your credit cards turn off, your bank account turns off. All that shit turns off immediately. Yeah, so it could just be, like, a mistake. Oh, I thought she was dead. Fuck. We got a fucking death certificate for some other Eileen. And McGrath is not like a crazy last. Like, if it was some, know, weird last name, then sure, but Eileen McGrath, fucking common enough. They could have gotten one in. Oh, shit. We thought you were dead. Our bad. And they'll pay it out. I don't know why they don't just pay it all out at once. [00:23:55] Speaker C: Okay, so you have a birth certificate and you have a death certificate, but do you have a life certificate? [00:24:01] Speaker A: Or is that your Social Security that's your birth certificate. [00:24:04] Speaker C: No, the birth certificate just proves you were born. It doesn't state the age you are when you are presenting it. [00:24:08] Speaker A: Yeah, fucking stillborns do not get birth certificates. [00:24:11] Speaker C: I know that. I'm just saying this birth certificate only states the only date stated on it is the date that you were born. There's no dates afterwards, and the death certificate is the date of your death. So is there a certificate for all the dates in between? [00:24:25] Speaker A: Yeah, it's like, where's your life certificate? I'm alive, but here is my alive certificate. [00:24:32] Speaker C: Driver's license. [00:24:35] Speaker A: No. You can be dead and have a driver's license. Doesn't burn up when you die. Like, your heartbeat stops going, then your fucking driver's license explodes. [00:24:45] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Remember how stupid it was for me to try to get my driver's license? [00:24:48] Speaker A: Yeah, I remember. [00:24:49] Speaker C: Oh, my God. That was like, what, almost four fucking months? [00:24:52] Speaker A: I don't remember. I didn't really get that involved. [00:24:56] Speaker C: That was stressful. [00:24:57] Speaker A: Well, you have it now. Congratulations. [00:24:59] Speaker C: I have two now. [00:25:00] Speaker A: You have two. [00:25:01] Speaker C: Yeah, I've got a backup. [00:25:06] Speaker A: So. Yeah, I feel bad for this old lady. Yeah. She had fallen victim to a vetting procedure that regularly checks pension beneficiaries against the death register to prevent ineligible payments. So, yeah, there's a death register and entries may be matched to scheme members even if the personal details differ. So I'm sure there's another Eileen somewhere. [00:25:42] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:25:42] Speaker A: And it's like, oh, sorry about that. [00:25:45] Speaker B: Especially because it's like an older name anyway. [00:25:49] Speaker A: Yeah. Nobody's naming their baby at this point. Eileen, I've met, like, imagine today, like a baby named Gary. This is my baby, Gary. [00:26:05] Speaker C: I thought Gary would be short for Gareth or something. [00:26:07] Speaker A: No, just G-A-R-Y. Gary. If I saw a baby come out of a woman's pussy and they're like, gary, I beg. So what's your 401K like? As he's still fucking wet from pussy juice. [00:26:22] Speaker C: Okay. Do you spell gray with an a or an e? [00:26:25] Speaker A: A. Okay. Why does that fucking make you want to divorce me now? [00:26:30] Speaker C: I spell it with an e, like a normal person. [00:26:34] Speaker A: Gray. [00:26:34] Speaker C: You spell it with an e. [00:26:43] Speaker A: Say the word gray. Yeah. Okay. How do you spell ray with an e or an a? [00:26:50] Speaker C: What type of ray? [00:26:52] Speaker A: Like a ray gun. R-A-Y. Boom. An x ray. [00:26:58] Speaker C: Okay. X ray spelled with an a. [00:27:00] Speaker A: You don't spell it R-E-Y. It's not a name. [00:27:04] Speaker C: Well, technically it's a radiograph. An x ray is just sling. [00:27:08] Speaker A: Gray is a fucking adjective. I know you're fucking impressed. Describe something. [00:27:18] Speaker C: Wait. Aren't colors also nouns? [00:27:21] Speaker A: No. Why would they be a noun? [00:27:22] Speaker C: Because I can say my hair is pink in that point. I'm using pink as a noun. [00:27:28] Speaker A: Your hair is the noun. Pink is the adjective that describes the color of your hair. [00:27:37] Speaker C: I, for the life of me, thought color could also be. [00:27:39] Speaker A: It cannot be a noun. No, it is an adjective. [00:27:43] Speaker C: How do you. [00:27:44] Speaker A: Do you spell color with A-U-C-O-L-O-R. Do you spell tire with a y? Yeah. We're not in fucking England. We beat those red coat dumb pieces of shit. [00:28:01] Speaker C: It is a noun. Color can be a noun. [00:28:03] Speaker A: It's not. [00:28:04] Speaker C: The Internet just told me. Yes, and by Internet, I'm talking about the Oxford Dictionary. [00:28:09] Speaker A: The Oxford Dictionary is a british fucking thing. We beat those dumb ass red coats. Color is not a noun. Color is an adjective. [00:28:19] Speaker C: It is both. [00:28:20] Speaker A: How? Name. Give me a sentence where color is a noun. [00:28:24] Speaker C: My hair is pink. Hair is the subject is the verb. Color is the noun. [00:28:33] Speaker A: Subject is the noun. [00:28:35] Speaker C: Subjects are nouns. Yes, but you can have more than one noun in a sentence. Noun is starting to sound really weird when I say it. [00:28:43] Speaker B: He dressed in bright colors. [00:28:49] Speaker A: Yeah. What? Color. [00:28:52] Speaker C: Nouns can be plural. [00:28:54] Speaker A: He is a noun. [00:28:55] Speaker C: Yes. He is the subject. [00:28:56] Speaker A: He dressed. Verb. Yes, in bright colors. The adjective is bright. Bright colors. [00:29:05] Speaker C: Colors is a noun. [00:29:06] Speaker A: It's not. [00:29:07] Speaker C: Yes, it is. [00:29:11] Speaker A: It's like he jumped really fast. And it's like saying fast is a noun. [00:29:18] Speaker B: No. Equality has no color here in the sentence. The word color is a common noun. [00:29:24] Speaker A: It's not. [00:29:26] Speaker C: Yeah, it is. [00:29:27] Speaker A: I'm going to go get my doctorate just to fucking shut you all down and just be like, ha, fuck you. And then just burn dictionaries like fucking Hitler burnt books. [00:29:38] Speaker C: Okay. Did either of you take English in college? [00:29:40] Speaker A: Yes. [00:29:41] Speaker C: How far did you go? [00:29:43] Speaker A: English fucking. [00:29:44] Speaker C: Because if you didn't go past, have no legs to stand on. [00:29:47] Speaker A: Yeah, I did go past the 100. [00:29:49] Speaker C: Okay. How high did you go? [00:29:50] Speaker A: I don't fucking remember, but I went past the was fucking doing essays and fucking learning on them on a pias and fucking predicate nominatives. Do you know what a predicate nominative is? [00:30:03] Speaker C: No, I don't. I'm not going to lie. [00:30:06] Speaker A: Fucking. [00:30:06] Speaker C: I can tell you what a proposition is. [00:30:09] Speaker A: A proposition is where a woman comes up to me and is like, hey, would you like me to suck your penis for $30? I'm like, can you do it for ten? They're like, all right, but you don't get to come on me, I'm like, that's not up to you. Do you know what an onomatopea is? [00:30:33] Speaker C: Do you know what a prediconomative is? [00:30:35] Speaker A: Yes. [00:30:36] Speaker C: What is it? [00:30:36] Speaker A: Not going to tell you. [00:30:37] Speaker C: You don't know either. [00:30:38] Speaker A: I do. [00:30:39] Speaker C: No, you don't. You've got that stupid look on your Facebook. [00:30:52] Speaker A: I know you don't know what a predicate nominative is, and that's all that matters. [00:30:56] Speaker C: No, I looked it up and I still don't understand what it is. I'm still confused. [00:31:03] Speaker A: Do you know what a linking verb is? [00:31:05] Speaker C: Is that the one where there's more than one verb in a sentence or that's just verb tenses. [00:31:13] Speaker A: We should just do. What's that? Fucking mad libs. [00:31:18] Speaker C: What's that? [00:31:19] Speaker A: You've never done mad libs. [00:31:20] Speaker C: What's mad libs? [00:31:21] Speaker A: Okay, so mad Libs is like a sentence. It's like a paragraph, like a little story or whatever. And then they remove words, and then you fucking give me a word. It's like, give me a noun, give me this, give me that, give me an adjective, give me an adverb, and then I put all these words in and then fucking say the silly sentence that you made up. [00:31:49] Speaker C: So it's cards against humanity. [00:31:51] Speaker A: Yeah, but back in the day. [00:31:53] Speaker C: But back in the day. [00:31:57] Speaker A: We'll do it off the podcast. [00:32:01] Speaker B: Someone did, like, a dungeons and dragons thing. Game, and you used the cards against humanity. [00:32:11] Speaker A: Yeah, use the black cards. Sorry for this old lady that got fucked up. [00:32:19] Speaker C: Oh, fuck. I already forgot about her. [00:32:20] Speaker A: Yeah, whatever. Onto some more silly news. A teen is facing charges for allegedly taping fish to atms. And Provo over in fucking. [00:32:37] Speaker C: I'm sorry. I'm already so. [00:32:41] Speaker A: Like, apparently there's, like, a bunch. Let's share this tab. Inside, there's, like, a bunch of fucking fish just taped to fucking atms. [00:32:54] Speaker C: Wait, are there fish in the great Salt Lake? [00:32:58] Speaker A: This is in Provo. [00:32:59] Speaker C: Oh, I thought it said Salt Lake City. [00:33:01] Speaker A: Well, it's close to Salt Lake City, like, north of it. [00:33:09] Speaker C: Continue. [00:33:11] Speaker A: There is roughly 13 instances where a 17 year old boy taped fish to ATM and other objects. The fishy displays were shared on an Instagram account called Fish Bandit 84. The account has more than 52,000 followers. Let's go to this. Fuck. Yeah. Fucking follow. Obviously. Yeah. I am now a follower of fucking fish bandit. You fucking magic. Can you not step on my shit, mochi? [00:33:47] Speaker B: Oh, my God, you're funny. Of course she's going to step on it. [00:33:52] Speaker A: All of it. All right, get out of here. [00:33:56] Speaker C: See, people used to do stupid shit. That's as far as it went. But now people do stupid shit on social media, and it's so much better. [00:34:07] Speaker A: So, yeah, I'm on the Instagram right now. It says, art live laugh tape. Fish on atms. No fish were harmed in the process. [00:34:22] Speaker C: What are the other objects? [00:34:27] Speaker A: Probably just like the, you know. That one's in Japan. [00:34:41] Speaker C: He's built a following. [00:34:44] Speaker A: Yeah. What a fucking mad lad. I love this guy. This one has a cigarette in its mouth. Yeah, it's just fucking fish. Taped atms. It's brilliant. I love it. [00:35:01] Speaker C: That one's a catfish. [00:35:04] Speaker A: Brilliant. Can't believe this is legal. [00:35:08] Speaker C: I don't think it's legal. Are his pants down? [00:35:11] Speaker A: He's in the bathroom. [00:35:13] Speaker C: That's even better. [00:35:14] Speaker A: Taped a fish to the fucking bathroom wall. [00:35:18] Speaker C: Is it like a real fish? [00:35:19] Speaker A: A real fish? Yeah. [00:35:20] Speaker C: Fucking fish. [00:35:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:35:22] Speaker C: It looks alive. [00:35:23] Speaker A: Probably is. [00:35:24] Speaker B: Look, its fucking lip moves. [00:35:30] Speaker A: I don't feel bad at all. [00:35:31] Speaker B: It's a fish moved at the very end. [00:35:33] Speaker C: Fish can feel pain. [00:35:35] Speaker B: Fucking moved. [00:35:37] Speaker A: Who cares? [00:35:38] Speaker C: Yeah, I care. Fish can feel pain. [00:35:41] Speaker A: Yeah. And I'm sure they can feel pain as they're going through my digestive system. Fuck them. [00:35:46] Speaker C: I mean, it's a reverse for me. [00:35:50] Speaker B: Once they're there, they don't feel pain. [00:35:53] Speaker A: A video showing a trout tape to a Provo police car garnered nearly 30,000 likes. Among the comments, one reading, diabolical new antihero rumming the streets. According to police, the teenager is now faced with two charges of property damage, which were referred to the juvenile justice and news services. The two charges stemmed at the cost of the cleanup, which is just fucking taking off the tape and fucking cooking the fish. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. This guy is a mad lad, and I love it. You got a new fucking follower, bud. Good job. You are amazing. [00:36:48] Speaker B: Oh, my. [00:36:50] Speaker A: Yeah, now, what a great guy. Next story, Hatboro. Man charged with killing neighbor over feud over loud snoring. So over there in Pennsylvania, Hatboro, Pennsylvania, Montgomery County. A Pennsylvania man, of course, is accused of stabbing a neighbor to death who had a long feud over the men's accused loud snoring that can be heard through the wall connecting their homes. Christopher James Casey, 55 years old. Yeah. Killed Robert Wallace. Yeah, that dude just sounds like he snores really bad. How about this? Just go fucking get him a CPAP. Just like, hey, merry Christmas. Here's a CPAP. Stop fucking snoring. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. He removed a window from his house and stabbed him in the chest with a large military style knife. Okay. He didn't even do it when he was sleeping. He did it when he was awake. Fucking let this guy go. [00:38:21] Speaker C: I also thought he'd done it while the dude was in his sleep. [00:38:25] Speaker A: Like, you wake up. Oh, shit. Shut the fuck up. I'm trying to sleep. [00:38:33] Speaker C: Why did we assume he was snoring when you read the story out? [00:38:37] Speaker A: Because that's why he stabbed him to death over this fucking loud snoring that could be hurt through the wall connecting their home. [00:38:44] Speaker C: I know, but that didn't imply the dead dude was sleeping. So why did we make that assumption? [00:38:48] Speaker A: Because that's how you're going to kill me, is I'm going to be snoring and you're just like, all right, dead, and just stab me. [00:38:55] Speaker C: I mean, I can't deny this. It is definitely a possibility. [00:39:04] Speaker A: Yeah, he had been stabbed several times. Jesus Christ. Oh, my gosh. So turns out Robert Wallace removed the screen from a window in Casey's home, in Christopher's home. The fucking guy that stabbed him opened and unlocked a window as Casey was eating dinner. And after a verbal confrontation, he stabbed him in the chest with a large military knife. Yeah, you fucking kind of, like, broke into the dude's. [00:39:42] Speaker C: Yeah, that's breaking and uttering. [00:39:49] Speaker A: Yeah. Now, he stabbed him in the doorway of his home. And yeah, they had personal issues, so I'd say this guy's innocent. Fucking. If I was fucking on this case, that man is innocent. His neighbor is annoying. Kill annoying people. It's fine. Good job, bud. Yeah. And then now a tech boss, unfortunately fucking dies. Holy shit. What's a tech know? Like, fucking Elon Musk, a fucking Zuckerberg type. [00:40:29] Speaker C: Oh, so like an actual CEO type thing? Yeah, I thought it was like a DJ or something. [00:40:33] Speaker A: A tech entrepreneur died in a freak accident during a company event. So pretty, like, they're up on stage when Steve jobs would be like, this is a new iPhone. You didn't watch any of those? [00:40:53] Speaker C: No. [00:40:54] Speaker A: Okay. Pretty much. He'd be like a giant stage. There'd be a bunch of people clapping back. Yay, you did, you know, oh, you have robots that suck dicks. Awesome. Or whatever the fuck they're doing. So this guy wanted to be lowered from the ceiling, which Owen Hart should fucking be. The only lesson anyone ever fucking needs in that. Owen Hart was a wrestler that was supposed to be lowered from the ceiling into a wrestling ring. They dropped him, he hit the fucking corner turnbuckle with his sternum and died. So, yeah, this guy was being lowered from the fucking rafters like, in like a little makeshift bucket and one of the fucking ropes snaps and fucking just pretty much tosses them out and kills them. It's like, oh wow. How awful is it that technology kills your ass? And I don't even want to try. And I'm going to try his name. Okay. Sanjay. Sean Sahan. Sanjay Sahan. [00:42:13] Speaker C: I'm not going to help you. [00:42:15] Speaker A: Thank you Sanjayshah. Us based company Vistax making a grand performance in an iron cage before the chain sporting it snapped. [00:42:36] Speaker C: You know what's dreadful? I've never heard of this company. So now I'm going to look it up. So at the end of the day, this is still pr for the company. [00:42:43] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean let's see what Vistex actually fucking does. Let's go fucking Google what Vistex did. What is Vistex used for? [00:43:00] Speaker C: Oh, it's like pos kind of thing. [00:43:04] Speaker A: It's some software fucking company. [00:43:08] Speaker B: Yeah, it's point of sales. It's a point of sales company. [00:43:14] Speaker A: Yeah. Gain visibility into profitability and revenue management. [00:43:18] Speaker C: They do agricultural stuff too. [00:43:20] Speaker B: Yeah. So basically they can do a lot of different stuff with the same type of system. [00:43:26] Speaker A: Yeah. The fucking CEO of that company is dead. So dump your stocks. It's pretty much what it's. I find it hilarious that they don't have anything on their website. They're not like, oh, fucking poor CEO. [00:43:46] Speaker C: What is a holistic view into profitability? What does holistic mean? [00:43:52] Speaker A: Probably crystals. [00:43:56] Speaker C: That's like a word I'm used to hearing in medicine. How does this describe revenue? [00:44:01] Speaker A: That's what I assume it's for everything. It's like we use crystals to look into your fucking thing. And then we use mood rings and crystals. And then we use words like namaste a lot that we don't understand what the fuck it means, which is fine. And I found this story amazing and fun just for a half a second. A man accused of sexually assaulting two women in Halifax months after being released from prison said during a Friday court appearance that he doesn't want to be in the news. So Gaiman J. Lennox, 49 years old, you're in the news. Don't do that. Don't fucking assault women and you won't be in the news. You can die in obscurity like I will because I don't do that. That's it. That's all you're going to get. So now, far right figures. Try to create a christian nationalist haven in Kentucky. Now if you are not sure what that means, it's just they're like, we want racist land, and Kentucky seems like the right place to do it. [00:45:31] Speaker C: It does seem like the right place to do it. [00:45:33] Speaker A: So I'd say give it to them. Fucking let all the fucking people that love Donald Trump way too much go out there, build a wall around it, and be like, no, Mexicans are getting in here. [00:45:43] Speaker C: Wait, I thought that's what West Virginia was. [00:45:45] Speaker A: Kentucky's not West Virginia. [00:45:47] Speaker C: No, but I thought that was the whole point of West Virginia, was for all those people to congregate. [00:45:51] Speaker A: Yeah. Back in the day, back when slavery just ended. Yep. You know, welcome to, you know, remembering the, you know, white guilt. [00:46:09] Speaker C: And it wasn't even that long ago. [00:46:13] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, pretty much anything before, like, 1980 was insanely racist. Like, the 90s was racist, but everyone was just afraid of AIDS in the hated gay people. So black people are like, yeah. And then after 2000, fucking the Arabs and the Muslims and the Sikhs and all them fucking got the heat. Any brown guy. And then after, know it just turned into white guys again. Fuck white guys. But, yeah, I mean, let them have fucking rural Kentucky. Let them go make moonshine and say the. Like, I feel like that's fine. Go ahead, let them. What's the worst that could happen? They're out there saying the n word too loud and God fucking smites them. Who cares? [00:47:15] Speaker C: When does this become called fascism? [00:47:18] Speaker A: It already is. It's already racist fascism. Let them do what they want. What? How is that a bad thing? [00:47:31] Speaker C: I'm not gonna. [00:47:33] Speaker A: As the only brown guy here, as the only one that has ever been a quote unquote victim of racism, as someone that has been called Aladdin and, you know, dumb terrorists and had fucking FBI come and fucking investigate me because I wanted to go to fucking Europe and they thought I was going to join ISIS. Like, legitimate shit that's happened. [00:48:00] Speaker C: Okay? I've experienced none of this. Therefore I cannot speak upon it. [00:48:04] Speaker A: I'd say, yeah, let these fucking know redneck motherfuckers have a slice of Kentucky and just call it racist land. Call it inward land. How about that back there? [00:48:15] Speaker C: I mean, they're basically turning into nazis anyway. [00:48:18] Speaker A: Let them give them nazi flags. Give them, like, little Hitler mustaches, like, the glasses with little Hitler mustache attached, like, boop. [00:48:28] Speaker C: Oh, that's what that is. No, I thought it was for Charlie Chaplin. [00:48:33] Speaker A: Well, Charlie Chaplin was the first one that did it. And then Hitler is like, I like the mustache. And then, you know, Charlie Chaplin's like, fuck, I have to shave this off. Damn it. Hitler. Yeah, so let them have it. I don't care. Highland Rim project. Let them fucking go out there and rim job each other. I don't understand why people are worried about racist white men. Just be like, hey, you can go out there and be proud to be white. Enjoy it. And then when all your kids have down syndrome because you're all inbred and the hills have eyes, you can call yourselves Durango, Colorado. All right. And then Florida story. Because I saw this dumb bullshit, and it's always something fucking dumb with Florida. Florida school district pulls dictionaries and encyclopedias as part of an inappropriate content review. [00:49:44] Speaker B: They're so fucking stupid. [00:49:47] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, Florida is not known for being smart. You don't go to Florida because the people there are learned. [00:49:54] Speaker B: And I can't believe Ron DeSantis is even running for president. [00:50:01] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, he's probably going to win that. Or Trump. But it's only one Florida school district. [00:50:08] Speaker B: Well, no, the primary. And what you want to call it, Trump won by, like, 50%. [00:50:16] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Fucking like racist white guys. Fucking love them. It's great. Yeah, so do I. So I'm like a racist white guy? [00:50:27] Speaker B: No, you're a racist Mexican. [00:50:30] Speaker A: Don't say that. But according to a list obtained and published by the nonprofit Pe in America, Escambita county school district has included five dictionaries, eight encyclopedias, the Guinness Berkele world records, and its list of more than 1600 books that could be banned. [00:50:53] Speaker B: Oh, my God. They're fucking stupid. [00:50:57] Speaker C: Like, five dictionaries. Like, different types of dictionaries or, like. [00:51:01] Speaker A: In the same, like, like, different dictionaries. Like, know the fucking urban dictionary. Especially the urban dictionary. Yeah, we don't want you kids to know what Riz is. Do you know what Riz is? [00:51:20] Speaker C: I don't think so. [00:51:22] Speaker A: Probably not. See, like, Riz where I got, like, that fucking Riz and I can riz you up, girl. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's how bad it is. That's what the kids are into these days, is Riz. If you are a father listening to this, if you want to embarrass your kid, just be like, yo, son, what up with it? I'm going to riz up your mom tonight and get that fucking good, good. And just watch him. Just be like, please never do that again. And it's like, stop smoking pot. I will. It's like, oh, and then they believe in Jesus after, like, fucking fathers that fucking say crazy shit. Like, ugh. It's like the worst. Um, now we're on to. Am I the asshole? Because we're fucking getting close to wrapping this shit up. Am I the asshole by no dog on bar? Am I the Aita. Am I the asshole for complaining when a lady set her service dog on the bar? [00:52:46] Speaker C: This is a service or is this an emotional support? [00:52:49] Speaker A: We're going to figure that out. I have a few bars I frequent, especially on Fridays. I pull up a stool at the bar and hang out frequently. My buddies will show up. I went to a new spot. It's a new brewery restaurant that has been open for a few months. I'm hanging out and this lady comes in. She takes a few seats away from me, promptly sets her five pound dog on the bar top, and orders a drink. Like, I'm in shock. This felt brazen to me. I'm not allowed to have a non service dog indoors at the places that serve food. And literally on top of the bar is gross. [00:53:29] Speaker C: It is gross. [00:53:30] Speaker A: I asked the bartender why she's letting that happen. She says it's a service dog and nothing staff can do mentions it's a well trained dog. Well, I'm not staff. I'm disgusted. I tell lady to get her dog off the bar. She tells me that it's a service dog and for it to do its job, it needs to be close to her. I sarcastically say service dog and do the finger quote thing. She calls me an asshole for not believing her. I call her an asshole for her actions and told her to take it out to the patio, which is dog friendly. She tells me to fuck off. We go back and forth another minute, and the bartender asked me to leave. She comped my drink and said I was the one that had to go. Before I left, I secretly took a picture and I planned to submit to the health department. Am I the asshole? [00:54:21] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:54:22] Speaker B: No, she's not. Seriously, she's not. [00:54:27] Speaker A: Yeah, get your dog fuck off the bar. [00:54:32] Speaker B: That's not a service dog. [00:54:33] Speaker C: That's disgusting. That's gross. You don't know the last time that dog's ass was cleaned by its. Okay, like, that's gross. [00:54:40] Speaker A: Yeah, the dog fucking walks its paws on the fucking ground and now the ground is all over the fucking bar top that also serves fucking food. If it was just like a bar that only served drinks, I'd be like. [00:54:53] Speaker C: All right, that's a smidge different. [00:54:59] Speaker A: At the bars I go to, that's a fucking strict no no. There are dogs allowed in the bar. That's fine. We even have a patio out back where dogs are really welcome. And usually there's a few people that bring their dogs in. The dogs go around and greet everybody and get pets from everybody. And it's great. This one dude, he has his fucking dog, and his dog has like, a crazy fucking celtic name that I can never say. I don't even know. He's told me, like, several fucking times. I'm like, puppy that. There we go. But, yeah, don't put any of your shit. What you should do op. What you should have done is taking your shoes off and put them on the bar. And then when they're like, get your shoes off. These are fucking orthopedic shoes prescribed to me by a doctor. I need them close to me to do their job. It's like, that's gross. Your feet are on the ground, and now the ground's on the bar. It's like, yes, so is your fucking dog. Yeah, no, you're not the asshole. Let's see what the fucking people say. Not the asshole. That's not appropriate behavior. And the owner, with an owner and an Ada service animal, the staff should not let anyone put an animal on the bar. The bartender should told her that the dog needs to be on the floor, not the asshole. Service dog laws of my state specifically state that the dog cannot eat off the tables or be in a seat at the table. Whatever task the service dog does does not need to be on the top of the bar. Leave a review for the business as well. [00:57:04] Speaker C: And even only certain breeds of dogs can be service animals. If it's like, some five pound thing, that's like, sitting with this splayed open on a countertop, that is not a service dog breed to begin with. [00:57:15] Speaker A: Now, there are fucking good ass service dogs. And the ones that can smell you like your blood sugar, I'm like, that's crazy. [00:57:23] Speaker C: They're cool. [00:57:24] Speaker A: And I'm like, how does it do that? It's 100% can just do it. [00:57:32] Speaker C: So we one time had a client come in, and he had a service dog. And we're a cat clinic, right? Like, never, ever has a dog come into the clinic. And so we're like, we can't say no. Your service animal can't come in. That's not like a thing. And so basically, we had him scheduled at the end of the day, and he was like, the last appointment day. And all the other appointments, they were done like an hour beforehand. So he was like, the only client who came with the dog. So none of our other clientele saw it. And I felt like this was, like, the best way we could figure out how to get around it. Because it's a cat only clinic. Our clients can't see a dog coming in. So there's carefree cats, and there's carefree cats, and there's carefree animal clinic. And sometimes we get patients from them. Like, one time, this dude was walking up, he had two huskies, and I literally ran across a clinic and slammed the doors in my face. And I'm like, sir, you cannot come in here. And he was like, what the fuck? And I'm like, this is not carefree animal clinic. He was like, oh. And I'm like, yes. I almost yelled at him. I was so utterly flustered. But there's no way I'd want to let two huskies walk into my cat only clinic. [00:58:35] Speaker A: The huskies were upset and like, oh. [00:58:37] Speaker C: No, they were not happy. [00:58:41] Speaker A: Yeah, no, opie, you're not the asshole. Fuck that person with that fake ass emotional support animal. You should ask them, like, what do they do if they're like, well, I can't tell you. And it's like, think of the fuck out of here. [00:58:57] Speaker C: Yeah, definitely emotional support animal. [00:59:01] Speaker A: Which I get, but whatever. Now, time to relationship advice. There we go. By throw raisin. I, male, 35, said we were breaking up because I couldn't take it anymore. She, 36, female, said we were dating. Our relationship with her lasted three years, which is a weird way to say that. She has a husband and children, and I'm single. You're the side piece, my guy. [00:59:38] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, he is. [00:59:40] Speaker A: For three years, she told me that she loved me. She wanted to be with me, but she couldn't because of her kids. Three years I spent holidays alone. Three years I couldn't hug and kiss her in public. Three years, I couldn't even call her when he was home. I fell into depression. Finally, I decided I'd had enough, and I told her we were breaking up. She looked me in the eye, smiled, and asked, were we dating? It was like a low blow. After all the words of love she had said to me, how can I handle this situation? She has never loved me and lied to me. [01:00:20] Speaker C: An opie is 35. [01:00:24] Speaker A: I love this first fucking thing right here. The first comment, you weren't dating. You were having an affair with a married woman. Yeah, that's it. Exactly. [01:00:40] Speaker C: Excites me. [01:00:41] Speaker A: Yeah. If you were kissing her, like, in your fucking home and fucking her at your home. Yeah, you were a side piece, you fucking idiot. [01:00:54] Speaker C: 100%. [01:00:55] Speaker A: How did you not. You fucking goddamn. Wow. [01:01:02] Speaker C: I don't know what planet he was on. [01:01:06] Speaker A: Dumb planet, obviously. This guy's dumb as shit. [01:01:12] Speaker C: He is dumb as shit. [01:01:17] Speaker A: Op knowingly had an affair with a married woman. Completely disregarded the feeling of her husband and children. Now he's playing tiny violin for himself. Yeah, you were an affair partner, and you know she had a husband and children. Yeah. [01:01:39] Speaker C: Poor Ob. He came to the Internet for sympathy, and the Internet said no. [01:01:45] Speaker A: Yeah. The comments are roasting him alive. This can't be real. This has to be just a troll post. But I had to fucking read it because it's a brilliant fucking troll post if it is, and if it is real, you are the dumbest man alive. Do you go into strip clubs and be like, I think she's in love with me, man. It's like, I tipped her $40 for the dance. That was $20. And I think I can support her. It's like, dude, do you work at McDonald's? And it's like, yeah, and I live with my parents, but I think we can get married. It's like, dude, you're an idiot. Op. I sincerely hope that this is just a fucking troll Post. If it is not, and if you are a real person, you are a fool. [01:02:44] Speaker B: Yeah, people are dumb. [01:02:46] Speaker C: People are super dumb. It's kind of. [01:02:48] Speaker A: How about this? Go fucking tell her husband what you did to his wife. Go and ruin her fucking shit. [01:02:57] Speaker C: Okay. I'm not going to lie. If you were cheating, I would 100% not want to know. I'd be mad at the person who fucking told me. I don't fucking want to know. I'd be very happy going on blissfully. I just wouldn't want to fucking know. That make me a bad person? Well, I wouldn't want to. [01:03:16] Speaker A: I wear suspenders. [01:03:18] Speaker C: I know you're not going to cheat on me, but I'm just saying, in any relationship my partner was cheating, I would just prefer to not know and move on with my life. Blissfully. [01:03:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:03:27] Speaker C: Breakups are messy. [01:03:29] Speaker B: I don't know if he was going out with someone, he could be exposing you to sexual diseases, transmitted diseases. So I would want to know because I would want to know for my health, because people are liars. [01:03:48] Speaker C: Well, I just get stds done regularly, so I'd find out sooner or later then. [01:03:53] Speaker B: Yeah, but then you'd know. Oh, he gave it to you, and then that's how you'd find out is you'd got a sexually transmitted disease. That would be even worse. [01:04:06] Speaker A: Full blown aid. [01:04:07] Speaker B: He doesn't have respect for you enough to go out on you. What other things are you not noticing about him that he doesn't care about you. [01:04:18] Speaker C: I know, but my life is very nice and blissful. [01:04:22] Speaker B: I don't think your husband would cheat, so. [01:04:25] Speaker C: Of course not. Courtney, you've seen my. [01:04:30] Speaker A: No. [01:04:30] Speaker C: He has two rings on his ring finger. Like, all bitches know he's married to someone crazy. There's two rings on his. To. Everyone knows I am crazy. [01:04:42] Speaker A: I'm a fucking shy boy. Like, last night, I went out in Durango and went out on the town. I went to go catch the bus. I was standing at the bus stop, and then I just watched the bus fucking fly on by. I'm like, the fuck? And then I sent a strongly worded email as I walked to the fucking bar. Like, God damn it, it wasn't the end of the world. I'm like, give me my fucking bus pass back. And then, yeah, I fucking went down to the bar, walked in, got some purple fuckers, and. Well, I had purple fuckers. Then we went to another bar, and then we went back to the first bar, and then we went home. Oh, and then we got fucking burgers. [01:05:40] Speaker C: Burgers do sound good. [01:05:43] Speaker A: It's grass burger. [01:05:45] Speaker C: Like grass fed beef or, like it. [01:05:46] Speaker A: Yeah, grass fed beef came out pretty quick. Too expensive, but doesn't change the taste. [01:05:53] Speaker C: That much, in my opinion. [01:05:55] Speaker A: Don't matter. It's pretty good. It fucking hit the spot like hell. Yeah, I was super happy with that because I was fucking starving. And I'm like, yeah, I look at my friend Shelby. I'm like, shelby, I'm hungry. And I point at Grassburger, and she's allergic to most of the stuff in there, but I'm like, I'm going to go in there and get me something. And she's like, I'm hungry, too. And then we all fucking went, like, cool. And then, yeah, I get to my fucking hotel room, I'm like, it's like, if you ever fucking go to Durango, it's like, the fucking choices out there are not great. Also, there's a ton of homeless people, too, which was hilarious because I watched Shelby yell at a homeless guy. I'm like, amazing. I just ignore them. I pretend like they're invisible. Like, if they're standing on the side of the road, I put them in my aframe so I can't see them, and I pretend like they don't exist because they're not real people. And it's like, don't you feel bad? They need your help? No, they need their own know. And as someone that was homeless myself, fucking get a job. But I watched Shelby, like, yellow guy get a fucking job. I'm like, amazing. I love that for you. But one more fucking relationship, one that just got fucking posted, and it's something new that I have never seen. My dying dad, male, 76, is begging me, female, 26, to buy him cannabis. [01:07:51] Speaker C: Oh, my God, please buy your dad cannabis. [01:07:55] Speaker A: No, I mean, you might be in an illegal state. It doesn't matter, but five years ago, my dad got sick with schizophrenia. He lives in a nursing home and is not medicated because he believes medication and traditional health care is Bs. This week, he was diagnosed with cancer, and the doctor says he only has weeks, months to live. He is having an x ray done this Wednesday to tell him how aggressive the cancer is. My dad, with an addiction and mental illness background, is begging me to buy cannabis one last time. I've never done it before and never thought I'd consider doing it, but he's dying, and I don't know how I should resonate, and I'm afraid I'll feel guilt if I don't fulfill the only thing he craves at the moment. It's illegal where I live, and there are surely plenty of reasons why I shouldn't do it. But I can't help to ask the question my own stands, because, after all, he's dying. Please let me. Okay, so it is illegal where op is at. Op is constant device. Six, four, four. [01:09:16] Speaker C: Cancer is painful. And if he doesn't believe in traditional health care, that means he's not taking pain meds. And cancer is painful. [01:09:23] Speaker A: Depends on cancer. [01:09:25] Speaker C: Cancer is painful. There's no such cancer is painful. [01:09:32] Speaker A: Not all of it is. [01:09:34] Speaker C: Bone cancer is the most painful. [01:09:36] Speaker A: Bone cancer is awful. Yeah, because it just gives, like, bone spurs. But, yeah, it just says, please buy your dad. Like, one person's like, please buy your dad weed. [01:09:45] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [01:09:47] Speaker A: It is illegal. So, like, if op fucking gets arrested for buying fucking weed. [01:09:54] Speaker C: You literally sold weed when it was illegal. [01:09:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm a criminal. I fucking say that proudly. I am a criminal. I was a criminal. I probably still am a criminal. I'd still do it. I don't care. But, oh, Pete does not want to go down that path. [01:10:13] Speaker C: He's dying, for fuck's sake. [01:10:17] Speaker A: Here's the thing. You can get fucking better drugs than cannabis, you idiot. If you're going to go break the law, break it hard. Get yourself some fucking cool shit, too. Go ahead and get some fentanyl lollipops. Go ahead and get fucking heroin. Shoot him up. Holy shit. Heroin is so good, people ruin their life for it. And if he's going to die. Let him experience all the cool shit. Give him some acid. Fuck it. Give him some mess, see what happens. Throw science against a wall and see what sticks. [01:10:51] Speaker C: Okay. So from my perspective, I see the dad using the cannabis as help with pain. I'm not seeing it for any other purpose, but if he's wanting it for other purposes, I feel like he should still get it. It's fucking sweet. [01:11:03] Speaker A: Because the dad with an addiction and mental illness background, so he has an addiction background, okay? [01:11:14] Speaker C: But he's asking for cannabis. He's not asking for heroin. [01:11:18] Speaker A: Give the man some heroin. Give him some black char fucking heroin. And if you're in the United States, it's easy to get fucking weed. Now, if you're in Taiwan or some shit, you're kind of fucked. If you're in Singapore, forget about it. Like, dad, you're just going to die. No reason. In two of us dying. Singapore, it's a death penalty for trafficking drugs. [01:11:50] Speaker C: Okay? I don't feel like op is not wrong. If op doesn't get her dad weed, it's op's choice. Either decision is not a bad. [01:11:59] Speaker A: Mean op. If you have the homie hookup, give him the homie hookup. [01:12:06] Speaker C: And also try cannabis yourself. [01:12:11] Speaker A: If you do not have a plug at all and you have no idea how to go about doing this, I. [01:12:19] Speaker C: Guarantee you op has friends. [01:12:23] Speaker A: I mean, if you didn't have a way to get weed, how would you do it? [01:12:34] Speaker C: I have you. [01:12:35] Speaker A: If weed was illegal, I have you. Well, obviously, yeah, I can get you any fucking drug that exists. [01:12:43] Speaker C: So my problem is solved. [01:12:47] Speaker A: Imagine if you didn't have me and you had to go fucking procure it yourself. [01:12:51] Speaker C: I would find someone who could help me. I would not go do it by myself because I don't know. [01:12:55] Speaker A: How would you find that person? [01:12:57] Speaker C: Coworkers. [01:13:00] Speaker A: What if I'm like, hey, I am. [01:13:01] Speaker C: The only person at my clinic who does not do Molly. Excluding the doctors. I'm the only person at my clinic who doesn't do Molly. I don't even fucking know what Molly is. Okay? Coworkers have drugs, MDMA. [01:13:12] Speaker A: But fucking, like, releases a shit ton of serotonin. It's great. [01:13:19] Speaker C: Yeah. I'm literally the only person at my clinic who does not do Molly because. [01:13:23] Speaker A: You'Re not supposed to. If you're on SSris, it is a big no no. [01:13:30] Speaker C: I'm not doing shit because I don't need to. I'm happy with my weight and my acid. I have no desire to experience more stronger types of drugs. I know what I've got. [01:13:41] Speaker A: I'm just going to leave it alone. No, I'm just going to say no. [01:13:44] Speaker C: I don't want to do Molly. [01:13:45] Speaker A: You cannot. It will kill you. [01:13:47] Speaker C: I'm saying. I'm agreeing with you. I do not want to do it. [01:13:50] Speaker A: I'm saying we are literally agreeing. [01:13:54] Speaker C: You do not have to have the last word when we're agreeing. [01:13:58] Speaker B: I don't think he's agreeing, though. I think that's the point. [01:14:02] Speaker C: I thought we were agreeing that I'm not going to do Molly. [01:14:05] Speaker A: I'm saying you cannot because it will kill you. [01:14:09] Speaker C: Yes. [01:14:11] Speaker B: Why do you think it'll kill her? [01:14:13] Speaker C: Because I'm on SSris. [01:14:16] Speaker B: Oh, yeah? [01:14:20] Speaker A: Well, it won't kill you, but it will fuck with you in a really bad way. [01:14:27] Speaker C: I know. That's why I'm not doing it. I'm very happy with my brain drugs. I have no desire to rock that boat. [01:14:34] Speaker A: But it has huge potentials to fuck with your brain chemistry in such a way that you don't come back. [01:14:42] Speaker C: My brain's already fucked up. [01:14:44] Speaker A: Yeah. Don't get yourself into any hot water legally, but if you think you can manage it discreetly, then, yeah, I don't see the harm in it. If you're near a state that is legal, you can go in there, you can buy some gummies, fucking bring them some gummies. That way you don't get any trouble with the fucking nursing home. No harm, no foul. Here you go. Here's some fucking drugs. You're going to die anyway. [01:15:12] Speaker B: Yeah, why don't you just make it a trip out of the nursing home? I mean, it's not like he's prohibited from leaving it. He can get. [01:15:19] Speaker A: Or what you do is you go get a shit ton and fucking start selling it to all the other old. And they all have fucking dementia anyway, so they're going to forget and they're like, where did you get this? And just be like, the magical elf gave it to me. [01:15:36] Speaker C: So the cannabis mean CBC and THC or just THC? [01:15:41] Speaker A: Well, usually there's CBD in the THC. [01:15:45] Speaker C: I know, because just for me, for this point, I'm just seeing it as a source of pain control. [01:15:51] Speaker A: I mean, it doesn't really do that well. [01:15:54] Speaker C: No, seriously, my psychiatrist has asked me to start taking less and less weed, and it is really affecting my pain. [01:16:02] Speaker A: This person is. I like this people speaking ignorantly here. Your father has schizophrenia. Look into the effects of marijuana on schizophrenia. It could very well send him into a psychosis and a living terror. [01:16:15] Speaker C: Ooh, that would suck. [01:16:16] Speaker A: For any other condition, I'd say absolutely buy the old man weed. But again, schizophrenia and weed do not mix. It could trigger an episode, and he can die in abject terror. Oh, that would suck. [01:16:27] Speaker C: I didn't even think about that, man. I retract my statement. I should have thought about it longer. All right, I've changed my stance. [01:16:37] Speaker A: So, yeah, I don't know what level of schizophrenia he has. [01:16:46] Speaker C: I wonder if opioids have effect on schizophrenia. [01:16:50] Speaker A: Yes. Drugs are just so. [01:16:55] Speaker C: Would THC or opioids be worth for schizophrenia? [01:17:01] Speaker A: Depends on what you're giving them. But that's all I got for this week. We're going to go ahead and end it there. We're already past the time. Thank you all so much for being here. We'll be back next week with some more bullshit. Unless someone else gets fucking Covid and dying, in which case you will get whatever fucking comedy things that I've done. Some of them are awful. Some of them I do not want to put out, but I have to put it out because that's just what I have to do. Follow me. Instagram, Twitter, all that bullshit. Alex truck. That's where you can get in contact with me if you want to fucking recommend something other than me quitting and. Yeah. Anybody else have anything else to say? [01:17:55] Speaker B: No. [01:17:55] Speaker A: If your dad has schizophrenia, do not give him weed. If your dad has paralysis in his limbs, roll him up some cigarettes and give him hell of weed. They like that. [01:18:08] Speaker B: Yeah, my dad loves it. [01:18:11] Speaker A: But see you all next week. Bye. [01:18:13] Speaker B: See you.