The Train Wreck

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alrighty. Alrighty. Welcome back to another episode of the Human podcast. If you're listening, you're the one of the three. Thank you for being here. You are keeping the lights on in my house and all that other bullshit. I'm the last podcast that actually swears that doesn't give a damn and might actually make some money doing it. Now. There's no way that anybody could actually back like a fucking horrible racist podcast like this. I'm Alex the truck. And we got my wife over here. [00:00:37] Speaker B: Pretty dress. [00:00:38] Speaker A: She has a new dress, it looks so pretty. And we got Courtney. And we're done with fucking. Just read and write it. Now we're back to the news stories. [00:00:51] Speaker B: So pretty. I know I wear right now, but I know I'm going to spill alcohol on it. [00:00:56] Speaker A: Yep. Let's go ahead and jump right into the stories if you haven't been able to tell that my wife is a little bit inebriated for this episode. [00:01:08] Speaker B: Inebriated? She always is. [00:01:12] Speaker A: So talk about Inegr. I was gonna make a black joke. [00:01:20] Speaker B: And it would have gone over my head. [00:01:22] Speaker A: Oh, they gone over everyone's head. You know, making fun of a dead guy, you know, is bad karma. But you know, shit, I'll take a stab at it. [00:01:31] Speaker B: Jeffrey did not kill himself. [00:01:34] Speaker A: Well, fucking OJ Simpson did kill himself with cancer. [00:01:40] Speaker B: Can you kill yourself with cancer? [00:01:42] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:01:43] Speaker B: Like if you deny yourself killing or. [00:01:45] Speaker A: Just in general, if you just like smoke cigarettes all the time, or if you're like, oh, what the, what is the elephant's foot and Chernobyl. [00:01:53] Speaker B: Okay, I can't deny your argument. I will accept it, you know. [00:01:57] Speaker A: Oh, let's play with the demon score. Oh, I'm dead now. Are you the dude that played with the demon score died. [00:02:06] Speaker B: But OJ is also dead, right? [00:02:08] Speaker A: Very dead, yes. [00:02:10] Speaker B: So like orange juicer Simpson or like other. [00:02:14] Speaker A: Other. Yeah, everyone has made that joke. My wife has just found out recently who OJ Simpson was. [00:02:26] Speaker B: True. I only learned this like 2 hours ago at most. [00:02:33] Speaker A: But yeah, no, he was a cold blooded killer and I. All I wanted was for him to be on his deathbed and just be like, yeah, I did that shit and then die. [00:02:44] Speaker B: Should have done that for realsies. [00:02:48] Speaker A: Just been like, yeah, that was me. [00:02:50] Speaker B: Would you kill me if you caught me cheating? [00:02:55] Speaker A: Not. [00:02:56] Speaker B: You wouldn't cheat. I know if you did. If I did. No, if I caught you cheating, I would kill you. Just so you know. [00:03:07] Speaker A: See the reason I'll eat beforehand, like. [00:03:11] Speaker B: It'Ll be a painless death. [00:03:13] Speaker A: No, the, the reason I don't cheat. Is the chance that I might bear a child. [00:03:19] Speaker B: Ew. [00:03:20] Speaker A: Yeah, that. That is what keeps, like, even with a condom. It's like that condom will fucking rip and, you know, she'll get pregnant. [00:03:30] Speaker B: Okay, no, that's bullshit. Because after he had allergic reaction to the latex condom, we never used a condom afterwards. And I still didn't get pregnant. [00:03:39] Speaker A: No, that. That's, you know. [00:03:41] Speaker B: Well, that's because you have, like, a weird, like, thing. [00:03:44] Speaker A: That's because you have a weird pussy. Okay. [00:03:46] Speaker B: It was weird. [00:03:47] Speaker A: That's good. I fucking, you know, turned you into my fucking little toaster strudel now. [00:03:52] Speaker B: It's, like, snitched off at, like, eleven inches. Like, it's. [00:03:55] Speaker A: Yeah, it's cool. Like, I can put two of my dicks in there and it still won't hit rock bottom. It's awesome. I get it. Yeah. So OJ Simpson is dead. You know, he had a big enough dick to fucking reach bug all the way down. But yes, this. This poor man. [00:04:20] Speaker B: Oh, gee, he did murder. He got away with it. What is a stupid thing? Like, it's. I bring you murder. And dude's like, oh, thank you. And dude's like, no murder. And dude's like, Judith, okay. [00:04:34] Speaker A: You fucking fucked up the entire thing. [00:04:37] Speaker B: I know I did. [00:04:37] Speaker A: Jesus. [00:04:38] Speaker B: I enjoyed it the entire. [00:04:39] Speaker A: I know. My wife is just get it. Get ready for that. All night. [00:04:45] Speaker B: I'm two champagnes in and there's one more champagne ahead of me. [00:04:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:04:51] Speaker B: Am I too loud? [00:04:52] Speaker A: No, you're fine. [00:04:53] Speaker B: Okay, good. [00:04:59] Speaker A: But yeah, no, like, I had a whole fucking bit on karma and how karma fucking does not exist. [00:05:06] Speaker B: Karma totally exists. [00:05:08] Speaker A: It doesn't world. [00:05:11] Speaker B: Karma exists. [00:05:12] Speaker A: Okay. But, yeah, I had a whole fucking bit on it and then derailed. So let's move on to the next fucking whole bit. So apparently, this whole nuke or the. What was it? The stupid sun eclipse bullshit. Apparently people been killing people over this and tipping huge. [00:05:42] Speaker B: Yes. [00:05:43] Speaker A: Human eradication over in LA. [00:05:48] Speaker B: Oh, God, this was in LA? [00:05:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:05:50] Speaker B: Of course, it's not Florida. [00:05:54] Speaker A: The death of an infant and the injury of a young girl, both found on the 405 freeway, were tied to a murder suicide, including involving the children's mother, Danielle Johnson. What a fucking nothing name. Like, like, let me just say that I hate when people fucking name their kids, like, you know, hey, this is my kid, Dave Smith. Yeah, go ahead and fucking, like, let your kid die in obscurity now. [00:06:26] Speaker B: Like, honestly, if you name your kiff, Danielle or Danielle, it's 100% Hogwarts. [00:06:32] Speaker A: I'm sure it's a black mother. Like I. [00:06:34] Speaker B: Is it, though? Is there a picture? I'm not. She is black. Okay. [00:06:39] Speaker A: Of course. [00:06:40] Speaker B: Jesus Christ. Micro racism at its finest. [00:06:46] Speaker A: It's not even racism. [00:06:49] Speaker B: I know. [00:06:49] Speaker A: It's typical. White people will fucking at least. [00:06:53] Speaker B: God. Yeah, I can't help you. [00:06:59] Speaker A: I know. I'm trying. It's like. It's like pulling together. Like pulling teeth, but harder. Jesus Christ. [00:07:09] Speaker B: There's nothing worse than pulling teeth. No, there is not someone who's pulled teeth. There is nothing worse. [00:07:23] Speaker A: But, yeah. So apparently this woman's partner, Johnson, also fucking killed her. Killed himself. [00:07:33] Speaker B: Oh, so three people died. [00:07:35] Speaker A: Three people died. The baby, her, and, you know, it's. [00:07:39] Speaker B: Like, now three is my second favorite number. [00:07:42] Speaker A: She still had another kid in the car. [00:07:44] Speaker B: She had another kid? [00:07:45] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:46] Speaker B: Just a car accident. [00:07:48] Speaker A: It was like a murder suicide. I think she was trying to kill all the kids and just like left him on the side of the road. It annoys me every fucking time because, like, I've watched the end of the world happen. Like, oh, it's the end of the mayan calendar now. It's like, yeah, that was years ago. Y two k. We lived through that. So in the year 2000, there was a serious computer glitch because they didn't fucking, you know, program clocks that far ahead. [00:08:25] Speaker B: Uh huh. [00:08:26] Speaker A: So everyone was worried that all the fucking world's computers were gonna just crash. [00:08:32] Speaker B: What the fuck? [00:08:33] Speaker A: You know, fucking January 1, 2000. [00:08:36] Speaker B: People are that stupid. [00:08:38] Speaker A: It was a real possibility. [00:08:40] Speaker B: What the f. It was. [00:08:41] Speaker A: Yes, real. Um, because they. Computers were just being really made available and they didn't think about the year 2000 and above. [00:08:55] Speaker B: So did the Internet die? [00:08:57] Speaker A: No, they eventually fixed the problem. They fixed the problem way before. [00:09:04] Speaker B: You know, it's like, it was just a media thing. [00:09:07] Speaker A: It was like the people on the trolley problem, but they like, switch the track like, you know, an hour before. It's like, oh, the train's coming. It's gonna run over all these people. It's like. No, it's. It's already been diverted. [00:09:21] Speaker B: So it was just AI? [00:09:23] Speaker A: No, it wasn't even AI. [00:09:25] Speaker B: It was before AI was invented. [00:09:27] Speaker A: Yes. [00:09:27] Speaker B: Wow. [00:09:29] Speaker A: This was back in the days where if you had a cell phone, like, you can, like, only go up to the year, like 2030 with like, the buttons. Yeah. Like fucking, like, you know, trying to set your time like a BlackBerry. Yeah, there is a, you know, now if you, like, go on your phone, you can put it away if you want. Yeah, you can put it to the beginning of time. They don't give a shit. [00:09:53] Speaker B: Like 4 billion years ago or, like, biblical before time. [00:09:56] Speaker A: They don't care. They figured it all out. [00:10:01] Speaker B: The idiocrean period. [00:10:04] Speaker A: But it was a real fucking problem. And because people were worried that people kill themselves. Yes. [00:10:12] Speaker B: Wow. It's even better. [00:10:17] Speaker A: See what I mean? People. [00:10:19] Speaker B: No, we need more predators. [00:10:23] Speaker A: Courtney, do you remember y two k? [00:10:26] Speaker B: Yeah, it was pretty funny. [00:10:28] Speaker A: Yeah. For the rest of us that didn't really give a shit, that didn't have stock or, you know, anything that would really fuck up. [00:10:36] Speaker B: We was involved. [00:10:37] Speaker A: What? [00:10:38] Speaker B: You said stock. Stock equals money. [00:10:40] Speaker A: Mm hmm. Yeah, that was computers. People were worried that all the computers in the world would crash. That means every fucking stock, you know, Wall street. Every single fucking thing that this world had. [00:10:53] Speaker B: Wait, so Wall street is like, AI doesn't exist? [00:10:56] Speaker A: Well, imagine not being able to get gas. Imagine, like, all the Internet just zips. [00:11:02] Speaker B: So there's no Internet. I can't buy gas. [00:11:04] Speaker A: You can't buy gas? No. [00:11:05] Speaker B: Why not? [00:11:06] Speaker A: How are we gonna pay for it? [00:11:08] Speaker B: Oh, I'd have to pay in cash. [00:11:11] Speaker A: Okay, cool. They're out. [00:11:13] Speaker B: Yeah, but how would you get the money? Like, always paying cash for gas. [00:11:18] Speaker A: How are they gonna activate it? [00:11:20] Speaker B: About, like, all the money that you have in your bank account? Like, are they gonna be able to. They won't be able to access that. I ran out of hard cash. Then I'm fucked. [00:11:28] Speaker A: Yes. Up. Oh, yes. Exactly. This was the fucking huge fear that all the fucking world's computers would crash simultaneously. And it's like, oh, fucking no. [00:11:43] Speaker B: People were worried about that. [00:11:44] Speaker A: Yes, it was a possibility. [00:11:47] Speaker B: It was. [00:11:48] Speaker A: Oh, my God. We're moving on. We are moving the fuck on. See, this is the shit that I have to fucking deal with. I love asking why it came up. Yeah. It's like having a child. [00:12:02] Speaker B: I am a child. It's like, don't have them, but my pussy's an adult. [00:12:11] Speaker A: Next story over in Florida this time, because obviously Florida, you know, can't be outshined on the fucking dimmest day of the year. Woman solstice. No. Woman claims God directed her to shoot cars on the I ten in Florida during the eclipse. [00:12:38] Speaker B: That's the kind of shit you would say. [00:12:41] Speaker A: No, I would be like, dude, I told me to kill these people. [00:12:45] Speaker B: You see yourself as God? [00:12:47] Speaker A: No, I wouldn't even see myself as God. I see myself as a, you know, a fucking rational, thinking young man and not young. Like, we need to kill these fucking people, you know, heading towards the fucking state border before they get there, you know, because they might fucking, you know, start driving throughout tech, Texas. I mean, start driving throughout Texas and do all that other bullshit and then eventually make it over to Colorado. [00:13:27] Speaker B: Wow. [00:13:30] Speaker A: Yeah. No, I'm not a good person. Like, my friend. I muted your mic for a second. [00:13:42] Speaker B: I know. What's the next story, Alex? [00:13:49] Speaker A: Oh, no, I have a whole. I have, like, bits. I had, like, a whole fucking thing to go through on all that bits planned, and then it gets derailed, and it's like, I guess, fucking move away from this train crash. Yeah. Like, my inebriated wife is, like, just enjoying. [00:14:13] Speaker B: I am. [00:14:15] Speaker A: She's like, my cat. When my cat's like, oh, are these the buttons? I'm not supposed to step on every fucking button. I'm gonna step on them all. Hopefully this doesn't fuck up everything. This is fucking up everything. Oh, no, that. That's. That's great. Every fucking time. But I recently told a bit at a comedy show, and my friend Taylor is like, alex, are you a serial killer? Cause I was talking about killing deer and how much I enjoyed it and hearing the deer pop on my fucking truck. [00:15:03] Speaker B: Like, when, like, a rib cage cracks when you're doing CPR. [00:15:06] Speaker A: Oh, no, they just turn into jelly. Like, you hit these deer going 69 miles an hour. [00:15:13] Speaker B: Hit nice. [00:15:15] Speaker A: Exactly. And then they're just like, boop. They're just a fucking smear. They're a meat crayon. [00:15:21] Speaker B: So when do you hear the pop? [00:15:23] Speaker A: Like, immediately when, like, they, you know, pop. And then, you know, they start shooting, you know, gore all over the road. [00:15:30] Speaker B: Like that. Or a different noise. [00:15:32] Speaker A: It's like, imagine throwing. Imagine someone throwing a water balloon at your fucking car. [00:15:40] Speaker B: Like Helen Keller. [00:15:43] Speaker A: Yeah, like Helen Keller. You know, the one woman that was known for, you know, getting water balloons thrown in her car while she drove. [00:15:51] Speaker B: I apologize, everybody, but it's based off. [00:15:54] Speaker A: The anime that makes way less sense. [00:15:59] Speaker B: Okay, you should. All of you should watch the glass mask. It's amazing. It's a little, like, kind of creepy towards the end, but still good. It's creepy. Like, really pedo? [00:16:15] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't like watching pedophilia. [00:16:19] Speaker B: Like, it's not there, but it's implied. [00:16:22] Speaker A: I I don't like it. [00:16:24] Speaker B: I don't like it either, but the enemy is a good show. Like, I always watch it until the last six episodes, and I'm like, yep, I'm out. Wow. [00:16:41] Speaker A: I mean, like, I only had, like, one pedophilia joke in recent memory. That's where, you know, Santa Claus determines if your kid's naughty or nice. [00:16:52] Speaker B: It was a good joke. [00:16:54] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, if fucking people would stay and, like, my wife would get home on time. [00:17:01] Speaker B: Yeah. Work ran late because what's her face would not shut the fuck up. [00:17:08] Speaker A: You just tell her, be like, oh. [00:17:10] Speaker B: She can't mop and talk at the same time. My God. [00:17:15] Speaker A: What you do is you move to an area where, you know, you need her to mop all that area and like, hey, mop all you, you know, coming to me. [00:17:24] Speaker B: I told her to mop three rooms and she mopped the entire clinic. [00:17:29] Speaker A: Then. Good. Get the fuck out of there. Big. I gotta get home. My husband's dick needs sucking or otherwise I'm gonna get another black eye. [00:17:37] Speaker B: I literally did. I left my receptionist to deal with. [00:17:40] Speaker A: Her fuckery and be like, just run the fuck out of there. But, yes, I had a joke where Santa Claus was a pedophile and he spies on your children and gives the naughty ones a big heart. How is that gross? [00:17:59] Speaker B: Have you seen the Polar Express? Cause it makes it even worse. [00:18:03] Speaker A: No, it's. That's a fucking train that comes through. [00:18:09] Speaker B: Okay? Unless you've seen it. [00:18:11] Speaker A: Is there. [00:18:11] Speaker B: Is that a movie in the background? It's not worth it. [00:18:15] Speaker A: Is that a mic? [00:18:16] Speaker B: Yes. Okay. There's a part where they're, like, sliding across the ice and the ice is starting to crack. And, like, the regular movie, it's like, oh, shit. But there's a meme where they're playing Tokyo drift in the background and it's perfect. It's a good movie. I don't recommend it, but it's a good movie. [00:18:36] Speaker A: And, like, the bit. [00:18:37] Speaker B: It's got what's his face. Who played the dude you like with Dan? You have no legs. [00:18:45] Speaker A: Fucking what's his name with Dan, you got no legs? [00:18:49] Speaker B: Yes. [00:18:51] Speaker A: Wow. Way too, like, I'm not even a huge fucking Tom Hanks running. I'm not a huge Tom Hanks fan. [00:19:00] Speaker B: But, yeah, it's Tom Hanks. Thank you. I had to get. I had to go around the hard way. Isn't he the dude who had, like, imaginary friend with, like, the. Like, the basketball or some shit on an island? [00:19:11] Speaker A: Castaway volleyball. Yes. [00:19:13] Speaker B: That was a good movie. Tbh. [00:19:15] Speaker A: Obviously, you didn't watch it. [00:19:18] Speaker B: I watched it, like, three times. I enjoyed it every single time. Especially when he, like, kicks the baseball off and it like. And he's like, oh, no, bro. I'm sorry for kicking you. And it's like, yeah, my favorite part. [00:19:30] Speaker A: Of that whole movie is when he comes home and reality is sitting there. Right there. Waiting to sucker punch him and his wife left him for another man because he was dead. [00:19:41] Speaker B: I mean, he was dead. [00:19:42] Speaker A: It's hilarious. My favorite fucking part of the whole goddamn movie. Oh, you just survived. [00:19:50] Speaker B: You were dead. Obviously, I would not find another partner, but I was someone else. Obviously I would find another partner. [00:19:57] Speaker A: You just survived hell and made it back to civilization somehow and lost your only friend, Wilson, after fucking many years out on fucking, you know, a k. And it's like, okay, now that's a big word. [00:20:17] Speaker B: Continue. Not everyone knows what a k means. [00:20:20] Speaker A: Yeah, it's a little island, but it's like, you're the fuck out there and you survive and you're like, oh, cool, I'm gonna get to come back home and welcome to civilization. [00:20:34] Speaker B: I'm seeing life of PI because it's better, but not quite that much better. [00:20:39] Speaker A: See, life of PI would be hilarious. [00:20:42] Speaker B: It was good, though. [00:20:43] Speaker A: If he gets to the end of the fucking movie. [00:20:46] Speaker B: You've never seen the movie, so you don't know. [00:20:48] Speaker A: And the lion eats him. [00:20:50] Speaker B: No, the lion is literally him because like, the butcher fucking ate his mom, who was the orangutan. You've clearly not seen the movie, so you have no idea what I'm talking about. But his dad likes, sedates all the zooey animals, but he's actually sedating all his family members. And then he ends up like the cook, and a cook eats his mommy, but like, he pretends he says fucking tiger. So he also eats the dude to kill his mom. And like, things are okay for some reason, but then I end up on something like, like poisonous island, but like the fucking bayou. And he has to leave. [00:21:25] Speaker A: But then does he die at the end of this movie? [00:21:28] Speaker B: It's a good movie. [00:21:29] Speaker A: Does he die? [00:21:30] Speaker B: No, he doesn't. [00:21:31] Speaker A: But that's an awful movie. [00:21:33] Speaker B: No, the insurance company is like, either a. We belied the dude was the dude as the tiger killed his mom, or a dude killed his own mom and he ate her. There's two options. And the insurance company's like, yeah, no, the tiger ate his mom. The dude did not eat his own mom. Yeah. Have either of you seen the movie? [00:21:54] Speaker A: No. I would have watched a movie. [00:21:55] Speaker B: Oh, my God, it's such a good movie. Especially when you reach the poisonous. [00:22:01] Speaker A: The life of PI. PI. [00:22:04] Speaker B: No, no, no. Cause originally his name was called pissing. Cause he was named after a fucking pool. And so, like, he had to define himself as like, the number of pies. So he like, recited like, all the numbers to, like, the fucking moon and everyone's like, okay, cool. Your name is PI and no longer pissing. [00:22:22] Speaker A: Why is it that, like, every fucking media outlet out there just is like, hey, if you're an indian dude, like, dot indian, you're wildly smart in math. [00:22:34] Speaker B: Exactly. And your name is pissing and not PI? [00:22:37] Speaker A: Okay. Like, you know, the Indians. Did, you know, invent zero? [00:22:44] Speaker B: Indians are cool as shit. And they make such good music. [00:22:47] Speaker A: They make good food, too. Like, this is how I. [00:22:50] Speaker B: Such good food, but I'm white and I can't eat it because it hurts my body because I'm white, and I can't even eat seasoning besides salt. Too much salt and I'll die like my grandpa. Yeah. [00:23:07] Speaker A: Yeah. They make every fucking, you know, brown dude that, you know, like, I'm literally. [00:23:15] Speaker B: Programmed to be attacked, attracted to you because you're brown. [00:23:18] Speaker A: Like, hey, either they're really good at driving an Uber, they're really good with tech support, or they're wildly good with fucking numbers. [00:23:27] Speaker B: Although somehow I married the widest Mexican ever. [00:23:31] Speaker A: I'm not Mexican, exactly. I'm Filipino. It's sad. [00:23:35] Speaker B: It's even worse. [00:23:37] Speaker A: I'm like, a scary Asian that looks Mexican. [00:23:41] Speaker B: It's even worse. [00:23:44] Speaker A: You wanted this. I don't know why. [00:23:46] Speaker B: I know you're fucking hot. You're fucking hot as shit. [00:23:50] Speaker A: I'm not. [00:23:51] Speaker B: You are. [00:23:52] Speaker A: I'm like, a mid two. [00:23:54] Speaker B: If you weren't hot, I wouldn't suck your dick. [00:23:57] Speaker A: Okay. You don't. [00:23:58] Speaker B: Okay. When's the last time I sucked you off? [00:24:02] Speaker A: Like, it's been weeks. [00:24:03] Speaker B: It has? [00:24:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:04] Speaker B: Okay. I'll suck you off after the podcast. [00:24:06] Speaker A: Nah, got other stuff. [00:24:09] Speaker B: He wants to play video games. [00:24:11] Speaker A: Courtney is a man of the people. [00:24:16] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah, I'm actually also. [00:24:18] Speaker A: I fucking. Right now, I've been fucking having wild diarrhea shits, so I'd rather you not anywhere near my fucking nether regions at all. [00:24:29] Speaker B: True enough. [00:24:30] Speaker A: Because, like, a fucking horrible thought is, like, you're just sucking me off and then just, boom. Like, just, you know, I relax and, like. Like, a fucking. Just a bubble. Just, you know. [00:24:43] Speaker B: Oh, my God. I literally have the same fear that, like, we're fucking inside of me, partying. I fucking shit in the bed. [00:24:50] Speaker A: You've done it. [00:24:52] Speaker B: I know, which makes it even worse. [00:24:55] Speaker A: So you can do it again. And I'm like, ah, whatever. You already know. [00:24:57] Speaker B: You'll be fine with it. [00:24:59] Speaker A: You're cleaning that disgusting garbage up. [00:25:02] Speaker B: Like, you'll still fuck me afterwards. [00:25:05] Speaker A: Oh, no. Like, that's. That's immediately done. [00:25:08] Speaker B: Okay. That's a good thing. Will you leave the room or will you still give me a head kiss? [00:25:15] Speaker A: I will be like, take the sheets off, you disgusting animal. Fucking. We're going to the shower immediately. [00:25:26] Speaker B: I love. [00:25:27] Speaker A: I'll have like, a tiny bit of dookie in my ball sack. [00:25:30] Speaker B: Ew. [00:25:31] Speaker A: You know, and that's it. I'm like, fucking full ass shower. [00:25:34] Speaker B: Yes, 100% dip. If that happens. [00:25:37] Speaker A: Like, if any part of poop, even my own fucking, touches my hand, it is like, I'm sorry, bathroom. I'm using all your goddamn soap. Especially if I'm in like, a public restroom. [00:25:51] Speaker B: Like, I fucking love fucking missionary. But like, once you're like, dick, like, slips out of my vagina and like, touch my butthole. Like, everything is over. Everything's over. It's gross once your dick touches my butthole. Especially when it's soft and like, gooey. Cause, like, ew, there's so much fluid that comes out of my vagina. [00:26:15] Speaker A: I like how uncomfortable. [00:26:17] Speaker B: Fucking stop. [00:26:19] Speaker A: Okay, see, this is what she does. She like fucking, you know, train wrecks it. [00:26:25] Speaker B: I'm sorry it hit my own vagina. [00:26:27] Speaker A: Okay, now on to San Francisco. [00:26:31] Speaker B: I love San Fran. [00:26:35] Speaker A: I don't know why, like, the fucking video fucking deleted cuz it's San Fran. But there is a video of a fucking tow truck going into live traffic to nab someone that was actively driving. [00:26:50] Speaker B: What? [00:26:51] Speaker A: So they were driving in the streets of San Fran? San Francisco. [00:26:56] Speaker B: Like, you can drive in San Fran? [00:26:58] Speaker A: Yeah, but like, they're in like, you know, bumper to bumper traffic and you know, they're in a lane of travel, you know, just moving slowly and this tow truck just like, pulls up and like tries to hook on them and then they're like, what the fuck? They're like beeping their horn and backing up and then they had to like, just take the fuck off and like, whip around this fucking tow truck that's like just randomly trying to grab them. I'm like, this is only some California shit. [00:27:26] Speaker B: Seeing the video of the dude who literally drove over the tow truck and like, hit air. [00:27:32] Speaker A: It's happened a million times. [00:27:34] Speaker B: So many times. Like, we are living in GTA, but like, not the good part. [00:27:41] Speaker A: Yeah, just like the bad part of like, the crime ridden city. That's awesome. [00:27:45] Speaker B: How many GTA's have you played? [00:27:48] Speaker A: All of them. [00:27:49] Speaker B: All of them? [00:27:50] Speaker A: Yeah, the first one, that was just a top down version. [00:27:53] Speaker B: Like, did you play the version where the fucking hookers suck you off but like not in the way you can masturbate to? [00:28:00] Speaker A: Yeah, of course. Everyone's played grand Theft Auto III. And you fucking get a hook or take them to a dark alley, the fucking, you know, car rocks and you kill them. And somehow you still have less money. [00:28:11] Speaker B: Have you ever been aroused by it? [00:28:14] Speaker A: No. [00:28:15] Speaker B: Ah, damn. What if I was a hooker? Would you find me. [00:28:24] Speaker A: Next story? See what I deal with? [00:28:28] Speaker B: Yeah. You have to put up with this every single day, 24/7 although you're trucker, you're only home, like, half the week, so not as much. [00:28:38] Speaker A: I sincerely hope this is, like, a late April fool's joke, but Glasgow's infamous Willy Wonka themed immersive experience is being recreated in Los Angeles later this month. [00:28:58] Speaker B: Like, the dude who faked it or, like, something different. [00:29:02] Speaker A: Um, I I'm sure the entire fucking whole crew are doing it again in LA, this time in, you know, just America. Um, next event promises two free jelly beans and maybe Timothy Chalamet. [00:29:18] Speaker B: Who the fuck is that? [00:29:19] Speaker A: Uh, he's a fucking actor that no one gives a shit about anymore, okay? [00:29:23] Speaker B: Gene Wilder is so nothing else matters. [00:29:27] Speaker A: Gene Wilder's dead? When did this happen? [00:29:30] Speaker B: I thought he was dead. Is he not dead? [00:29:33] Speaker A: He should just be old. [00:29:34] Speaker B: I thought he was dead. Now I need to look this up. [00:29:38] Speaker A: Well, fucking look it up. Use your time to do that. Like that. I just saw it. I'm like, there's no fucking way that they're redoing this fucking nightmare. Renowned comedians are vying for the chance to moderate. [00:30:03] Speaker B: Yeah, he's dead. Yeah, obviously he died in 2016. [00:30:09] Speaker A: He did a while ago. [00:30:10] Speaker B: Like, you can't top him. He was the best. Like, he was super fucked up. Like, he laid play, like, tricks on all the other actors and they're like, what the fuck is going on? He was like, ha ha. Got you, fuckers. [00:30:25] Speaker A: Now I want to see, you know, if I can get a fucking. [00:30:32] Speaker B: Let's be honest, nothing will ever beat blazing saddles. [00:30:38] Speaker A: So, yes, it is a. A real event. April 28, 2024. And it just literally says, yes, this is a real event. Please read the copy before purchasing by House of Illuminati. Same fucking people that did the last one. Location to be announced. This is in fucking two weeks, people. No refunds about this event. It should just be like, if you fall for this shit again, you lose your ass. I kind of want to buy one. [00:31:19] Speaker B: Is this the island dude or someone different? [00:31:21] Speaker A: Same guy. Yeah, the fucking fire island dude. The one that did the fucking, you know, bullshit in fucking Glasgow. [00:31:29] Speaker B: Fucking hilarious. I honestly, I did not feel bad for those people. I'm like, yeah, you bought that shit you should suffer. [00:31:39] Speaker A: I like, ah, y'all should suffer cannibalism. I like, I kind of want to buy a ticket just to, like, support the fucking nonsense. I'm like, you're such a fucking mad lad. You did it again. [00:31:53] Speaker B: I cannot deny you this. I would. [00:31:55] Speaker A: I'm not doing it. Absolutely fucking not. That's. No. Why the. Like. But I'm here and I'm looking at the thing where I could fucking purchase it and it's like, how much is the ticket? $48. [00:32:09] Speaker B: Okay, that's too much. [00:32:11] Speaker A: 48, 80. Check out. Yeah, it's 44 a ticket to complimentary jelly beans, to kickstart the sweetness, a live q and a and photo session with the enigmatic Christy Patterson, the mother, a vibrant local music and comedy performances from a bunch of fucking people that I have no idea who are. [00:32:42] Speaker B: But they're not you. [00:32:45] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm not going out to California to perform comedy. [00:32:48] Speaker B: Sure enough, like. [00:32:51] Speaker A: Like, if there's, like, an open mic, yeah, sure, I'll go hit it. And fucking really upset those people. Cause it's fun to do, you know, just be like, hey, your fucking town sucks. And Kale does too. And they'll be like, oh, boo hoo. And then fucking cry until their tampons fall out. [00:33:08] Speaker B: Okay? Oh, ace. They have fucking perks and llamas that you can pet even though they spit in your face. Lavas Brock. Oh, lava is the name I would ever name a lava. [00:33:24] Speaker A: If we got it before trainwrecks again. Um, next story. British Columbia man admits he was reaching for fried chicken prior to crashing his car. [00:33:36] Speaker B: Chicky nuggies are alive. [00:33:40] Speaker A: Sometimes I just click on the fucking story and I'm like, I will read it the same time everybody else hears me read it, chicky nuggy. So you're finding out the information that I am. Um. One man is lucky that he wasn't seriously injured or killed. [00:33:57] Speaker B: Is that a cop? [00:33:59] Speaker A: What? [00:33:59] Speaker B: I assumed it was a cop. [00:34:01] Speaker A: No. [00:34:02] Speaker B: Aw, that's us. Boring. Yeah. [00:34:05] Speaker A: Why would it be a cop? [00:34:06] Speaker B: It'd be more. It'd be more hilarious. Okay, hilarious. I did my best. [00:34:16] Speaker A: Yeah. It was a single fucking vehicle crash. Highway three, fucking just before 03:00 p.m. Smashed vehicle. Oh, man. [00:34:30] Speaker B: That so no chicken nugget? [00:34:35] Speaker A: I kind of wonder if, like, after he crashed his car and got out, if he, like, still got his fucking chicken nuggets. [00:34:40] Speaker B: I would still eat the chicken nuggets. Like, I'd be talking to the police and still shoving chicken nuggets in my face. [00:34:47] Speaker A: Ooh. To make matters worse for the driver, he was also handed a $600 ticket after the officer who attended the accident discovered the man's vehicle insurance had allegedly expired. [00:35:00] Speaker B: Oh, no, that's worse. That's worse. Did you fucking hit me and had no insurance? [00:35:08] Speaker A: Yeah. Most people fucking don't. [00:35:10] Speaker B: Why? [00:35:12] Speaker A: Because there's no penalty for not. [00:35:14] Speaker B: So how come I have insurance? Yeah, there is. You get ticketed. Is it because I've crashed three cars? [00:35:21] Speaker A: Yeah, but they have to fucking pull you over. [00:35:24] Speaker B: Did you. I didn't get pulled over in my last crash and I was a victim. [00:35:28] Speaker A: Well, you also had insurance. [00:35:30] Speaker B: I called the police. Cause I didn't. Cause the dude had, like, his prankers, like, girlfriend in the front and she was, like, crying like hella hard. [00:35:38] Speaker A: No, call the fucking cops every goddamn time. [00:35:40] Speaker B: She was like, eight months. [00:35:42] Speaker A: I don't fucking care. Kill that baby right now. [00:35:45] Speaker B: I mean, I can't. [00:35:45] Speaker A: Those dumb fucking idiot people. Fuck them. But there was like a. I don't care. [00:35:51] Speaker B: I cared more about the dog than I did anybody else. Like, the Judah got out and I'm like, oh, my God, you hit your dog. [00:35:57] Speaker A: Okay, they hit her. This is her birthday a couple years ago. [00:36:01] Speaker B: Oh, my God. It was my birthday present. I got fucking hit by a car. My birthday. But my birthday cake survived, which is an ice cream cake, and that's all that mattered. [00:36:10] Speaker A: All right? [00:36:11] Speaker B: It was a good ice cream cake. [00:36:13] Speaker A: Re back on the tracks. [00:36:17] Speaker B: Fucking coldestone makes the best ice cream cakes. [00:36:22] Speaker A: She's like the hulk. Like, purposely, like, hitting the train off the tracks back. [00:36:28] Speaker B: No, I don't even know what the hulk is. [00:36:31] Speaker A: I've never seen the train goes this way. [00:36:33] Speaker B: Is it the green dude? [00:36:34] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:36:36] Speaker B: I don't like the color green. [00:36:38] Speaker A: Yeah, whatever, it's fine. So, flooded farms in England were refused compensation as they were too far from the river. [00:36:50] Speaker B: Fucking potato famine all over again. Just their own self terrorism. [00:36:56] Speaker A: Well, I mean, it's England and they're no longer the world power. It's fine. [00:37:02] Speaker B: Poor fuckers. [00:37:03] Speaker A: Um, but, yeah, they had their entire cropping land submerged underwater. And they are ineligible for government flooding hardship fund because their farms are too far from a major river. [00:37:16] Speaker B: Sounds like English. Sounds like american bullshit, though, too. [00:37:21] Speaker A: But they had about almost 1700 millimeters of rain that fell in, like, a two year period. That's not even that much. [00:37:31] Speaker B: I'm, like, getting two liters. That's a lot, though. I'm not gonna deny that. [00:37:37] Speaker A: I mean, it is, but there's a. [00:37:40] Speaker B: Difference between snow and water. Like, we get snow here, but they get fucking water. [00:37:50] Speaker A: So these poor saps. [00:37:54] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:37:56] Speaker A: They're sapping, wet sopping, whatever. And they're very upset because they're not going to get money. And now they're fucked out and they're probably all going to die and probably take the old family shotgun and take turns killing themselves. Except one guy that's going to not have any ammo to kill himself. [00:38:16] Speaker B: It's legitimately tradition. As someone who's american has only read 18th century smut, I have no bearing of actual knowledge. Just what I've read. [00:38:35] Speaker A: All right, so now this is. We're gonna go on to two hot takes. I saw this one and I'm like, oh, this is my wife. [00:38:50] Speaker B: I can't wait to hear this. [00:38:52] Speaker A: I didn't read the story. I just read the title. As many other things in this world, by also imply me title this by puckus mikus. My girlfriend has a drinking problem. I, 26 male, have just gotten back from a night out with my 21 female girlfriend. You idiot. Fuck. You're an idiot. [00:39:20] Speaker B: Of course she has a drinking problem. She's not 26 yet. Because 26 does not miraculously heal your mental illness. [00:39:30] Speaker A: Yeah. About two months ago, on a similar night, we got blackout drunk. Completely ignored any request to stop drinking, run general havoc on the night, and precisely, to let a guy kiss up her neck until I stepped in. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Next morning, I was furious. I pulled her aside and told her I never tolerate that behavior again, both the excessive drinking and letting a guy do that. She was beyond sorry. Oh, and for a while, things were good. But then she. Tonight she said she had a night out with her friends from work and ended up doing a list of things as ignored my request not to buy another drink and try to start a fight called the uber driver. So many slurs. Oh, man, let her get her own fucking uber. I'm rudely stated in front of my friends. They're boring. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Tried to kiss a girl from work. Didn't respect me or anything, dude. [00:40:47] Speaker B: Okay? Literally, my coworker did this, and her boyfriend was like, yeah, it's cool. Cause she's bi. [00:40:54] Speaker A: Well, no, she was like. She was kissing, like, other dudes and like, just. [00:40:58] Speaker B: Ew. Kissing screws. [00:41:00] Speaker A: Here's the thing, dude. Is your girlfriend just, you know, unlocked, you know, the ability to social drink out at the bars? [00:41:10] Speaker B: She's 21. [00:41:11] Speaker A: 21. I know. Let me finish my thought before you step in. Someone's muted. I'm gonna meet you. Now back to my thoughts. [00:41:27] Speaker B: Train wrecks. [00:41:28] Speaker A: Train wrecks. Um, but, yeah, she's 21, dude, let her fucking go out and have her fun. And if you cannot, you know, be okay with that, just let her, you know, go, you know, if you love her, she'll come back. If you don't, well, I guess she's gonna, you know, be that used up whore at the bar, you know, fucking giving some dude some sloppy toppy, you know, for five drinks. Yeah, you don't fucking, you know, orgasm from sloppy toppy. [00:42:10] Speaker B: I don't know if you ever had sloppy toppies. [00:42:13] Speaker A: It's a blowjob. It's a really sloppy blowjob. Um, yeah, dude, just date more in your fucking general age range. Stop trying to be that fucking, you know, almost 30 year old dude that's trying to fucking hit on essentially 18 year olds. Knock it off. [00:42:33] Speaker B: Like you're past the pedo window. But it's so gross. [00:42:37] Speaker A: I mean, it's not even gross. She's 21, but it's just like, dude. [00:42:42] Speaker B: Still a teenager, for fuck's sake. [00:42:44] Speaker A: Here's the thing. You are in direct competition with every other dude at that bar and every other chick at that bar. [00:42:51] Speaker B: Everyone better be good. [00:42:53] Speaker A: Or just, you know, fucking. She wants to go out and have fun and party and have a good time. That's it. [00:43:01] Speaker B: She hasn't had finals yet at college. [00:43:06] Speaker A: And then we got relationship advice, which, I saw this one. I'm like, this is wonderful. By vivid mink. Vivid milk. Jesus Christ, I can't read milk. Vivid milk. People have bad fucking names. Okay, okay. [00:43:27] Speaker B: Milk is an ingredient. It's not a beverage. [00:43:30] Speaker A: I have a thought that maybe the entire unit, the entire Internet is just mostly bots. [00:43:36] Speaker B: I'm 100% on board with your vibe. [00:43:41] Speaker A: If you just see a text, it's just fucking chat. GPT. Making something, putting it out and beg. Oh, look, here's a story. [00:43:51] Speaker B: Like omega or some shit. How do you even say it? [00:43:56] Speaker A: Omegle. But it's gone now. [00:43:58] Speaker B: Like Smeagol. [00:43:59] Speaker A: Yeah, but me, 29, male, and my wife, 25, female, have pretty opposite work schedules. I have to be up at 05:30 a.m. And she gets home around 01:00 a.m. I woke up to her sneaking to use her vibrator. I call out to her or anything, and she just asked. And I just asked what she was doing. She lied and said nothing. I have no problem with her using it, just maybe not right next to me. How do I handle that? She lied about using it. So, you know, blah, blah, blah. [00:44:40] Speaker B: Vibrators are your friend, not your competition. [00:44:48] Speaker A: Um. Dude, it's fine. Join in if you want to fucking, you know, throw down some dick. [00:44:55] Speaker B: Have you caught me doing that? [00:44:57] Speaker A: No, but I'm sure you do. [00:44:59] Speaker B: I'm pretty sure you've caught me a couple times. [00:45:01] Speaker A: Maybe. [00:45:02] Speaker B: Maybe. [00:45:02] Speaker A: But. [00:45:03] Speaker B: But it was fine, right? [00:45:05] Speaker A: Yeah, it's fine. [00:45:06] Speaker B: Like you learned your lesson and used it moving forward? [00:45:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:45:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Cuz I was too embarrassed to show you what I needed. But now it's fine. Cuz you know exactly what I need. [00:45:19] Speaker A: Yes. Um, we're gonna go ahead and end the episode right there, cuz I have fucking hurt. Squirts coming right now. [00:45:26] Speaker B: Oh my God. [00:45:27] Speaker A: Yep. [00:45:28] Speaker B: Run away. [00:45:29] Speaker A: Run away. Thank you. Follow me. Blah, blah, blah. Sorry for this fucking train wreck. [00:45:33] Speaker B: God damn. 2020.