Microsoft Penis

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:00:01] Speaker B: Alrighty. Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Human podcast. We're back. The episodes are probably gonna go out of order. Probably gonna do this fucking week first and then the one we did last week next. We're fucking ahead of schedule. Honestly. We have, you know, shit done. And last week I promoted a chair on Amazon. Still a great chair. I do not regret getting it. I bought another one. So what, does it get here Tuesday or something? [00:00:39] Speaker A: Yes. [00:00:40] Speaker C: I'm so excited. [00:00:41] Speaker B: But it's a camping couch. [00:00:43] Speaker C: It's so cozy. [00:00:45] Speaker B: By fair wind. So fucking go get it. I did give them a bad review initially, but they fucking made it, right? Gave me a full refund past the return point. And by the time you're hearing this, it'll probably already be here. Honestly, I love these, these little camping couches. You can sit next to whoever you can have. [00:01:08] Speaker C: So cozy. [00:01:09] Speaker B: You can have a blanket on both of you. She can give you a hand job. It's great. [00:01:13] Speaker C: And your friend sent us the cutest picture of us sitting on it together. [00:01:16] Speaker B: Oh, good. [00:01:17] Speaker A: How much is it? [00:01:18] Speaker B: It. For me, it was like $70. Okay, so for, like, a camping chair, you're like, well, I can get one for like, $5 and I can just get two of them for, like, you know, these ones are, like, kind of padded. [00:01:31] Speaker C: They, you know, it was fully worth the money. [00:01:35] Speaker A: Yep. [00:01:35] Speaker B: So, yeah, if you want to get, you know, shitty chairs, that definitely will break on you and the customer support will do nothing to help you and just like, yeah, you just ate a fucking $14 chair, you know, whatever. But this is two of them. Or one person can lay down on it. And I honestly find that kind of, you know, worth the extra money. [00:01:57] Speaker A: Yep. [00:01:58] Speaker B: So now I have two of them. So, you know, next time I go camping with friends, boom, we're good. Yeah, I mean, I don't have a whole lot of friends that want to go out camping. [00:02:10] Speaker C: But camping was fun. [00:02:14] Speaker A: Yep. [00:02:17] Speaker B: But to talk to the matter at hand, I guess Microsoft went down. So we gotta talk about this shit. This is why this episode is gonna go out early. [00:02:29] Speaker C: Okay. So, like, our systems are Lenovo. Like, we don't use Microsoft at all at my clinic. So. [00:02:35] Speaker B: What are you talking about? Lenovo is just like a computer brand. [00:02:38] Speaker C: Okay. Well, I don't know, but either way, we weren't affected by it. So I had no idea what was going on until I got off my shift at like, 06:00 p.m. and all of a sudden I realized all over the media, everyone's complaining about. And I was like, what the fuck happened? And so I learned about this secondhand. It did not affect my clinic at all, which, praise the Lord for that. [00:02:57] Speaker B: Yeah, no, like, I went to go check my bank account, and it's like, in order to log into your fucking bank account, you have to go into mobile banking and log in. So I could not look at my bank account whatso fucking ever. Oh, I could, you know, for like 2 hours because it happened, like, on a Friday or whatever. [00:03:22] Speaker C: But day is today? [00:03:24] Speaker B: It's Saturday. [00:03:25] Speaker C: Ah. I mean, thank God tomorrow's Sunday. [00:03:28] Speaker B: Yeah. Look behind the fucking curtain. Wait a, you know, curtain. Drop it on everyone. Yeah. We record this a day early. So I swear to God, like, if some crazy shit happens, like Sunday night, it's the worst. Because I don't get to talk about it for an entire goddamn week. [00:03:47] Speaker A: No, right? [00:03:50] Speaker B: I mean, you know, like, my wife was like, on her phone, she's like, Donald Trump got fucking almost assassinated. I'm like, yeah, we kind of talked about it on next week's episode. [00:04:02] Speaker C: You know, I have memory problems now. [00:04:05] Speaker B: Oh, God, I'm gonna be like, oh, you didn't give me a hand job. Oh, my God. I think you just. [00:04:11] Speaker C: You do not get hand jobs ever again because you called my hands creepy baby hands. [00:04:17] Speaker B: Oh, look, no memory problems anymore. [00:04:21] Speaker C: No, I remember that because I was offended and your dick went soft and it was appropriate. [00:04:27] Speaker A: Oh, my God, Alex, they are kind of creepy baby hands. I cannot lie. I'm sorry. [00:04:33] Speaker B: It's like, inside out. Like, when you have, like, the core memories, it's like, creepy baby hands. Core memory. [00:04:40] Speaker C: It is a core memory. Yeah, no, I talk about. Okay, no, this is how I introduce myself to new interns. Like, I'll be doing something and I'm like, oh, do you see my creepy baby hands? And they're like, oh, yeah. They kind of look at that. And I'm like, you know what I want to call them? They're like, oh, why are they called that? Because I was giving my husband a hand job, and that's what he said. There were. That is how I break the ice with all new people at work. [00:05:00] Speaker B: Yeah, they're creepy. [00:05:01] Speaker A: Oh, God. [00:05:02] Speaker C: It works. It's great. [00:05:05] Speaker A: Oh, my God. [00:05:07] Speaker B: Yes. My wife has creepy little baby hands. [00:05:10] Speaker C: And, yeah, it's hard to play the piano more than eight, more than ten keys apart. [00:05:15] Speaker B: And I have my own fucking two hands, so I can just, you know, jerk myself off and be done in, like, three minutes. [00:05:22] Speaker C: Are your hand jobs better than mine? [00:05:23] Speaker B: Yes, by a lot. [00:05:24] Speaker C: They are. [00:05:25] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. Like, you're. [00:05:27] Speaker C: I've worked so hard on, like, learning all the little things you like on hand jobs. Yes. [00:05:33] Speaker B: I'm connected to the thing that the fucking hand is pleasuring. [00:05:36] Speaker C: Uh, I guess so. But my hand jobs are good, right? [00:05:41] Speaker B: I mean, I would take them over, like, fucking, you know, some other chicks hand jobs. [00:05:46] Speaker C: Yeah. That's a total compliment. Thank you, I guess. [00:05:51] Speaker B: But, I mean, like, you know, I learned how to give a good hand job. No, you didn't. [00:05:58] Speaker C: I have done my best. [00:05:59] Speaker B: Men will lie to you on this fact, okay? Men will 100% lie. [00:06:04] Speaker C: You're the only person I've ever asked. [00:06:07] Speaker B: Is my hand job good? Yeah, it's wonderful. You know, it'd be better if you used your fucking mouth or even better than that, your fucking pussy. Like, that's what men want, you know? Like, the hand job is just, like, boring. And especially if you give, like, a dry, fucking tough hand job. I'm like, ugh. [00:06:26] Speaker C: I know. I always try to, like, spit in my hand or something to lubricate it. Cause I feel bad when it's dry. [00:06:30] Speaker B: Just, like, suck the dick for a little bit and then give it a hand job. [00:06:33] Speaker C: But my saliva dries so quickly, you know? [00:06:35] Speaker B: Get a fucking bottle. Astroglide, like, women out there that are listening to this, I don't know why you are, but, you know, here's some tips. You know astroglide, you can get it in, like, little fucking containers. Put a little bit in your hand. Holy shit. Your fucking hand job level goes up insanely. And if you want to suck a dick with fucking astroglide, it's not going to taste the greatest, but it's not going to fucking kill you neither. And it's going to fucking take your blowjob level up in the next level. I'm just saying, like, it takes the anal game up. It takes every fucking game and just shoots it through the fucking ceiling. Fucking make sure you do them in the correct order. Because, you know, if it's like ass mouth pussy, then you know you are doing it wrong. That's gross. Ew. Nasty bitch. [00:07:25] Speaker C: Okay, so when you get an ultrasound, you either get cold lube or you get warm lube. And warm lube is worse than cold lube. And so one time, the chickpea cold lube, and she was like, I'm sorry, it's cold. And I'm like, nah, uh. If it's strawberry flavored, if it ain't strawberry flavored, I want it cold. And she laughed so hard. Hard. Like, she thought those most hilarious things she'd ever heard in her fucking lives. She laughed so hard, and I felt so good about myself. [00:07:50] Speaker A: Astroglide has a flavored. [00:07:51] Speaker C: I know. That's why it's funny. [00:07:54] Speaker B: Yeah, they have flavored condoms too. Like, if you're gonna suck a dick, do it without the condom. Your mouth can't get pregnant unless he has, like, an STD and he fucking blows it unexpectedly. Fucking, you know, like that. That's just, you know. Ugh. Unless he has, like, a notoriously nasty dick. Just like. [00:08:16] Speaker C: You know what I just remembered? The dick cheese. [00:08:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:08:20] Speaker A: Oh, God, please shut up. [00:08:22] Speaker B: One of our earlier episodes, a legendary episode, if I must say. [00:08:26] Speaker C: I just remembered it, but I don't. [00:08:28] Speaker B: I can't even tell you. Like, that was years ago. [00:08:31] Speaker C: I know. You unlocked a core memory somehow. [00:08:35] Speaker B: That's great. [00:08:37] Speaker A: Oh, God. [00:08:37] Speaker C: Okay. No, I still hung up on the tasty semen one. Okay. I'm not. Okay. Semen does not taste nice. [00:08:44] Speaker B: I don't even know if I talked about this. Did I talk about that on the podcast? [00:08:47] Speaker C: No, you did not. You told me that while we were driving. [00:08:50] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Like, so I found, like, a. Like, a Reddit post, and it was like, this dude, that's like, I'm not gay, but, you know, I want to, you know, suck a dick. And let me see. I might have taken a screenshot of it. I must have taken a screenshot of. [00:09:06] Speaker C: It was disgusting. [00:09:08] Speaker B: No, it was amazing. [00:09:09] Speaker C: It was amazing. But it was so wrong in all the wrong places. [00:09:14] Speaker B: It was, like, literally one of the most, like, greatest fucking posts of all goddamn time. And I'm like, did I fucking screenshot that fucking Reddit post? [00:09:25] Speaker C: I guarantee you didn't have. [00:09:27] Speaker B: I guarantee you I did. [00:09:29] Speaker C: All right, who gets money? [00:09:31] Speaker B: Um, no one. [00:09:33] Speaker C: Oh, okay. [00:09:34] Speaker B: Oh, I did. Screenshot it. [00:09:36] Speaker C: Nice. [00:09:38] Speaker B: This is a r confessions by the coding penguin. He says, I want to know what sucking a dick feels like. I am a straight male, but I am curious as to what sucking a dick would feel like. It must be nice. It must be a nice feeling when the cock goes from soft to hard, then pumping in your head, back and forth while massaging the glands with your tongue, with its pre cum, lubricating your mouth, and you get to the end, and you get a warm sensation of tasty semen shooting down your throat. Anyone have a good experience with it? [00:10:14] Speaker C: It's not tasty. [00:10:16] Speaker B: And then fucking this dude, you know, quotes him, I am a straight male. Proceeds to give the most detailed fantasy of sucking a dick possible. I mean, you can call yourself whatever you want, but, you know. And as pre cum lubricating your mouth, tasty semen shooting down your throat might be the gayest thing I've read in a long time. Might be in practice. Maybe in practice, you're straight, but your soul is fabulous. And voguing to Madonna. [00:10:46] Speaker C: Yep. [00:10:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:50] Speaker C: Semen does not taste nice. It's why I swallow it. I don't want to have to hold my mouth. [00:10:56] Speaker B: A troll. But it was a brilliant troll. Just on the road, I'm just like, yes, I love that. But. But back. Back to the fucking, you know, whole. The whole s news. But, yeah. Crowdstrike is a security fucking software that a lot of these companies use, and a dumbass in there fucking decided to push forward an update that just ricked a whole bunch of PCs. Didn't fucking check any of this shit. This is why I do not fucking. [00:11:33] Speaker C: Did he do it on purpose? [00:11:35] Speaker B: Probably not. [00:11:35] Speaker C: It'd be hilarious if he did it on purpose. [00:11:37] Speaker B: I guarantee you he didn't do it on purpose. I guarantee you. They're just dumb fucking idiots. [00:11:43] Speaker C: Oh, this is your hero who is crippling society? You should be worshipping this dude. He did what you wish you could accidentally. The point is, I don't care if. [00:11:54] Speaker B: You accidentally shoot off a nuke. You're an idiot at that point. If you purposely shoot off a nuke, you're then a hero. Okay, my question is, if you accidentally kill a pedophile. Oh, look, you accidentally killed a pedophile. But if you're a serial pedophile hunter, you're my fucking hero. [00:12:11] Speaker C: My question is, are you happy with the fallout that followed? [00:12:14] Speaker B: It didn't matter. It didn't affect me at all. I mean, it, like, kind of screwed up my Friday route. I'm like, eh, this kind of sucks. And I couldn't see how much money I don't have, you know, for a couple hours, I'm like. You know, I'm like, oh, no. I, like, opened up my phone, and I, like, looked at my bank account, and it's like, you're poor. I'm like, oh, no. The fucking, you know, hackers. I'm like, oh, wait. No, no, not them. I'm just poor. I'm married to a woman that wants nice things. [00:12:43] Speaker C: I do want nice things. And I get nice things. I get what I want. [00:12:46] Speaker B: I'm talking about Mochi. [00:12:49] Speaker C: Mochi also gets what she wants when she wants. [00:12:53] Speaker A: Oh, God, you guys are funny. [00:12:55] Speaker B: I know, right? [00:12:57] Speaker C: Okay. Mochi literally opened her eyes to listen to this before she was snoozing, but she was like, oh, we're talking about me. [00:13:05] Speaker B: But yeah, so it was just faulty code that just went out and they had to just manually get it all back online and then fucking send out an update. But they're like, have you tried turning it off back and back on again? Like any it idiot ever? [00:13:20] Speaker C: Hey, sometimes it fixes shit. [00:13:22] Speaker B: It does. It fucking restores the fucking libraries of all the fucking code. Cool. Sometimes some shit will go down somewhere. It, you know, in, you know, your libraries and it's fine, sometimes that works, but when it comes back on, it still doesn't work. That fucking sucks. [00:13:42] Speaker C: It does suck. [00:13:44] Speaker B: And pretty much anyone I've ever met, like, I'd say a good 85% of the tech industry, I will google that and get back to you. Like that. That's their job. And they don't say that. They're like, I'm a professional that knows everything. I know quite a bit about computers and I'm not in it because I don't want to fucking have to deal with these people that I'm going to google it and get back to you. And then your manager doesn't even know how to fucking install a printer. [00:14:15] Speaker C: Sometimes you got to google shit though. Like sometimes, like in the medical world, like random stuff comes out that you've never heard about. So you go searching for information to find out what's going wrong with your patient. Like sometimes you gotta Google shit because there's a wealth of information out there that you have access to if you know how to go to the right places, which thank God for Google Scholar. [00:14:36] Speaker B: That fucking make, you know, $100,000 a year that don't even know how to make a batch file. Like, honestly, it's like one of the most basic things. Like they don't even know how to program hello world in any language. It's like you don't have to be a programmer. They're their own fucking species. And if you're a programmer that knows machine language, fucking awesome. Great for you. Hell yeah. You know, I don't know why you decided to learn that, but, you know, you're a fucking autistic nerd that fucking now knows that and you're fucking probably getting paid a quarter million a year. Awesome. You know, you are a different fucking breed, especially if you know how to program and know what the fucking programming language does. If you program in C, Java, fucking python, whatever, I don't care. I'm, you know, you're all equally kind of valid. [00:15:22] Speaker C: I really hope he did it on purpose. That'd be better. [00:15:25] Speaker B: This guy. No, I guarantee you, you know, that's. [00:15:28] Speaker C: Something you would do, though. Admit it. [00:15:31] Speaker B: Yeah, like. Like, exactly. [00:15:33] Speaker C: You would do something like this, but. [00:15:35] Speaker B: I would target it to specific entities, like fucking, you know, places that hold mortgages, you know, not fucking hospitals and fucking, you know, surgeons that are now fucking having to cancel a goddamn surgery that somebody's waited, like, their entire life for. Oh, son, you're gonna get a new heart today. Oh, yeah, I can't wait to wake up on Monday with a brand new heart that's gonna be. Oh, no, sorry, the fucking computer went down, so we can't give you a new heart. [00:16:04] Speaker C: I mean, like, honest to God. Fuck VCA. They're a level above Banfield, but they're still. Don't take your. Don't ever take your cat, your patient. Don't ever take your pets to a Banfield or a VCA. Find a better clinic. You deserve better. They are there to make money. Like, that is their primary purpose. Do not trust them. Oh, stupid dental plan where they clean your pets teeth, but actually clean the teeth. [00:16:31] Speaker B: Okay, cool. Um, anyone that. That applied to. Cool, good. Good for you. But the company you should trust is southwest. They were unaffected by the whole Microsoft shutdown thing. [00:16:48] Speaker C: Southwest is the fucking best. [00:16:51] Speaker A: Yeah, I like them. [00:16:52] Speaker C: I love southwest. [00:16:53] Speaker B: Well, I mean, you know, if you're over in California, southwest is like, the only way to do anything southwest to. [00:17:01] Speaker C: Hawaiian air is how you get to Hawaii. [00:17:04] Speaker B: No, you just take southwest straight to Hawaii. [00:17:07] Speaker C: No, you land on the. One of the big islands. That way you can take the tiny charter flights, and it's so fun and chic. [00:17:13] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm pretty sure they land on the other. Like, the other islands are big enough to, you know, house airports. [00:17:18] Speaker C: I know, but you go on the tiny plains. It's fun. [00:17:22] Speaker B: The little island hoppers, I don't trust them. They're held together by legos and tucked duct tape. [00:17:27] Speaker C: Exactly. If you die in the ocean, I shall be eaten by sharks, and that is the best possible way to die. [00:17:33] Speaker B: No, you're just gonna be eaten by, like, mutated fucking Hawaiians from all the fucking nuclear radiation that they've dropped off. [00:17:39] Speaker C: That means my body will be cannibalized. No, but if I'm eaten by other humans, it's cannibalism. [00:17:46] Speaker B: No, those bites you and, like, let you bleed out in the ocean until the fucking radioactive water turns you into, like, a fucking, you know, a fishman. [00:17:55] Speaker C: No, that's the best thing because blood will draw on the sharks. [00:18:00] Speaker B: Like, the sharks all out there have, like, penises. I'm sure of it. [00:18:03] Speaker C: I want to be eaten by a tiger shark or a Greenland shark. Both are the best options. [00:18:08] Speaker B: Yeah, whatever. [00:18:10] Speaker C: I don't like bull sharks. [00:18:12] Speaker B: Yeah, Southwest is a company that you should trust. If you live in, like, the East coast. Yeah, go fuck yourself. You have no shot of using southwest for shit, and you're just stuck with, like, American Airlines or Delta or, like, frontier. [00:18:29] Speaker C: Frontier got affected. [00:18:31] Speaker B: I'm sure they did. [00:18:32] Speaker C: That's fucking hilarious. [00:18:35] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, front. Like, frontier is, like, a good, cheap airline. If you just need to get somewhere, it's complete garbage. But, you know, it's. It's whatever. You know what you're getting. But, yeah, Southwest, you're the tits I'm pretty sure you got, you know, didn't get affected because you're like, you've saved all that money. I'm like, never upgrading your computer systems. Like, the amount of fucking times where I'll walk into a business and see their entire computer system is still ran off of fucking, like, dos. I'm like, what are you doing? Upgrade. [00:19:12] Speaker C: Upgrades come with problems. [00:19:15] Speaker A: I always wait to update until they do the pro. Like, I wait, like, a week, a little while before I do an update, and then I'll see if anything's happened, and then I'll do the update a week or two later. [00:19:28] Speaker B: No, I just let my computer update. I'm like, go for it. I don't care. I fucking update. Run a virus scan, run spy bots, and we're all good. I just make sure I do that religiously. And now I got a fucking 20 terabyte hard drive from prime day, and I'm going to take all the fucking garbage I don't use on my computer off. [00:19:54] Speaker C: Why was it there in the first place? Can't you just delete it? [00:19:57] Speaker B: No, they're all backup files. [00:20:00] Speaker C: Then why'd you call it garbage? [00:20:02] Speaker B: Because it's not being used in the fucking proper right now time. It's not garbage. It's all good stuff. [00:20:11] Speaker C: Mmm. Mm hmm. [00:20:13] Speaker B: Games I don't play right now, but I still want to have easy access to them. Fucking footage from, you know, comedians. Some of them might be dead, I don't know. You know? How awesome would that be? It's like, oh, yeah, fucking, you know, Susan died, but I have footage of her doing comedy, you know, here. Here's, like, one of her comedy routines. Oh, this is very nice. Thank you so much for saving this. Oh, no problem. It was my pleasure. And then you can have a nice memorial. She's the oldest comic that I know. Oh, very. [00:20:50] Speaker C: She dead? [00:20:51] Speaker B: No. [00:20:52] Speaker C: How old is she? [00:20:53] Speaker B: Like 70 something. [00:20:55] Speaker C: Okay, so she's dead. I feel like after 60 you're just, you should be just considered dead. [00:20:59] Speaker B: No, she. She's like one of those, like, older ladies that, like, seem like they're snobby, but they're really fucking nice. Like, they seem like they, like, spent most of their life being racist, but then they realize the error of their ways, but they still have that, like, look about them, but they're really sweet. Like, they look like the woman next door. [00:21:22] Speaker C: The maggot. [00:21:23] Speaker B: Mm hmm. But without the fucking attitude. [00:21:28] Speaker C: That's not flattering. I can't remember the last time she wore a bra. Her titties. Sit down here. [00:21:34] Speaker B: I don't look at them. I don't even look at her. [00:21:37] Speaker C: Thank you. Are you gonna love me when my titties sag that low? [00:21:42] Speaker B: I mean, they won't like, you know, your titties don't sag low when you're sitting in the coffin. [00:21:52] Speaker C: I need a boob job. I want them perky again. They reached my belly button now. Okay? I'm not. Okay. [00:22:00] Speaker B: You need a whatever. I need a bigger dick before you get fucking smaller tits. [00:22:05] Speaker C: I'm not gonna get smaller tits. I just want them raised up. Although maybe, I mean, I kind of am an h cup. I might go a little smaller. [00:22:16] Speaker B: But. Yeah, so, uh. Um, some, but I love it. Like, here is the line. Some airline industry analysts speculated that southwest outdated technology may have spared it from the meltdown. But the airline would not confirm the chatter that it operates on a Windows 3.1. A version in windows from 1992. [00:22:41] Speaker C: Hey, that was a good, that's a good version of windows. I liked that version. [00:22:47] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, fuck. [00:22:48] Speaker C: Okay. I'm not gonna lie. 1988 or 1998 was the best version. [00:22:52] Speaker B: But I don't feel like you've ever, like, even used any of those versions of windows. [00:22:57] Speaker C: No, I used the 1998. Cause I had a computer and I got down to the settings wherever I could change everything. And then I accidentally deleted something, crashed the computer. So I had to go take it into the shop so they could fix it. And they were like, what the fuck did you do? And I'm like, I don't know, but can you fix it? And they're like, yeah, 1988. Yeah. [00:23:16] Speaker B: I don't think windows was around in 1988. [00:23:19] Speaker C: Okay, whatever. I don't know. Now I have to look like it was old windows. And I had lots of fun fucking around with it and deleting the wrong shit. I had to take my computer in a lot of times. [00:23:35] Speaker B: You mean this windows here? [00:23:38] Speaker C: Yes. Oh, my God. That was the tits. I could change all the colors I wanted and I had the longest mouse trail ever. And I changed all the sounds and the icons. Like, that was. That was the fucking tits. [00:23:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:54] Speaker A: What are you guys talking about? [00:23:55] Speaker B: So the older version, share the screen with her. [00:23:58] Speaker C: Oh, my God, that was best. And that's back when Microsoft still had the. It's not a porcupine, the clothes pin. Like the little helpy thing that had a paper clip. But thank you. [00:24:14] Speaker A: I actually love choosing the colors. [00:24:17] Speaker C: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my God. [00:24:21] Speaker B: I mean, you can do the same thing in dos too. [00:24:24] Speaker C: I don't know what that means, I'm not gonna lie, but, yeah, that was the best versions of windows. No, quite honestly, I'm like the most, like, technology advanced at work for some reason. It's only because I broke that down and I built it back up. [00:24:41] Speaker B: Yeah. It's like a floppy disk of data. [00:24:45] Speaker C: My computer did have a floppy disk. [00:24:47] Speaker B: Yes. That's how you installed windows. [00:24:49] Speaker C: I love floppy disks. [00:24:50] Speaker B: They were so fun and they were. [00:24:53] Speaker C: So good to chew on. Oh, my God, they tasted good. [00:24:56] Speaker B: Okay, I hate all this. We're moving on. I'm gonna. [00:25:00] Speaker C: Sometimes I eat some of the plastic from our stuff at work. [00:25:03] Speaker B: I'm gonna upset you. [00:25:04] Speaker C: You are? [00:25:05] Speaker B: Yep. [00:25:06] Speaker C: All right, let's see. [00:25:07] Speaker A: What are you gonna do? [00:25:10] Speaker B: Oh, I need to. So. [00:25:16] Speaker C: What are you about to do to me? No, no, no, no. I saw hello Kitty, so, no, hello. [00:25:24] Speaker B: Kitty is not a cat. [00:25:26] Speaker C: Of course hello Kitty's not a cat. Duh. [00:25:32] Speaker A: Wait, seriously? [00:25:34] Speaker B: Did you not know this? [00:25:35] Speaker C: I knew this. [00:25:36] Speaker A: No, I meant, like, Alex's reaction. She said it wasn't catinous. I've been thinking it was the cat until a while back. [00:25:43] Speaker B: Yeah, it's an eight year old girl. [00:25:45] Speaker C: Yeah. Okay. No. Hello Kitty was designed to help train the next generation after the fallout of the nuclear bomb in Japan. Like, the whole point of hello Kitty was to teach you to listen and to think and to learn, but to. Not to. But to wait to speak. She didn't have a mouth on purpose. It was to listen and to think, which is why I fucking loved her, because I hated talking. Like, growing up, words were so painful and awful. I hated talking. That's why I loved her, because she didn't have a mouth. She couldn't say mean things to me. [00:26:28] Speaker B: Oh, God, man. I was hoping that you'd, you know, take this a little bit harder. [00:26:34] Speaker C: Nah, I knew this. You don't understand how much of a hello Kitty fan I am. [00:26:41] Speaker B: But, yeah. Hello Kitty was apparently just to be, like, an eight year old girl. Hello Kitty's name, real name, was Kitty White. I knew that she was born in England, and the company confirmed that the character was indeed an eight year old girl. [00:26:59] Speaker C: Yeah. Cause she was in. Oh, my God. What was it called? Whatever. The thing with the goat herder. [00:27:06] Speaker B: But, yeah, people and fucking x are, like, really upset now. [00:27:10] Speaker C: I already knew that. [00:27:12] Speaker B: Well, then, fine. [00:27:14] Speaker C: I'm sorry. [00:27:16] Speaker B: I was hoping the realization would hit you harder. [00:27:18] Speaker C: Uh uh. I thought you were about, like, I saw hell kidney. I was, like, really freaking out. But then you're like, you told me something I already knew, so I'm fine. [00:27:28] Speaker B: All right. So onto next fucking clickbaity. Shit. Seaside donkey owner is weighing kids to stop obese children from injuring his animals. [00:27:42] Speaker C: Fuck yes. Oh, my God. That is the best thing ever. Props to this owner. Yes. He's taking good care of his pets. Oh, my God. This is the best thing ever. [00:27:53] Speaker B: So, John Nuttall, I'm so happy, has been in the dog donkey rides business for more than 40 years and has been accused of fat shaming children. But he says, I have just done it to protect my animals. [00:28:05] Speaker C: Yes. Animals are more important than humans. [00:28:10] Speaker B: I mean, I find this fucking hilarious. Like, if you have a fat kid, you have a fat kid. Deal with it. If you have a little Augustus gloop, tough shit. You have a fat fucking kid. You know, I don't feel bad for you. And there are parents that have fat kids, and they'll be like this or that. It's like, no, your kid likes to eat, and you're able to feed them. Good for you. You know, if you want to teach them to, you know, be healthier, you can teach them to be healthier. You know, I'm, you know, 30 fucking three now, and I enjoy fucking, you know, ice cream more than push ups. I understand that, and it's not my mom's fault. [00:28:54] Speaker C: Okay. So I saw this post about this dude. He used to live in Japan, and so, like, he ate whatever he want. He walked around like things were fine. He never. And he never had issues controlling his weight. Then he moved to America. Like, he tried to buy the right food. He always made sure he worked out, and he still gained weight no matter what he tried. And his whole point was the fact that America, as a lower class, our access to food is limited to unhealthy foods. Unless you're like really rich. You can't buy the right kind of food. So it doesn't matter how much you work out, what your body is absorbing, and processing is what decides the things in the end. [00:29:31] Speaker B: Yeah. So this dude is just giving donkey rides over in the seaside town in England. [00:29:36] Speaker C: And he is a fucking. Oh my God, he's a goat. I don't know what goat means, but everyone uses it as like a procedure. [00:29:45] Speaker B: The greatest of all time. It's an acronym. [00:29:47] Speaker C: Exactly. He's a goat. Taking care of his donkeys could not be better. [00:29:51] Speaker B: But yeah, he's introduced a weight restriction to safeguard his donkeys. Yes. And he's set up weighing scales adjacent to his mobile paddock, complete with a sign detailing the requirements. Under ten years old, shorter than four foot six inches and lighter than six stone, which is 48 kg, or about like, you know, 70. [00:30:14] Speaker C: Oh, it's a lot more than that. What, 48 times 2.2 is not 70 and change. It's more. [00:30:20] Speaker B: Where are you getting 48 from? [00:30:21] Speaker C: You said 48. [00:30:22] Speaker B: 38. [00:30:24] Speaker C: Oh, I heard 48. [00:30:26] Speaker A: 48 though. [00:30:27] Speaker B: No, I said 38. [00:30:30] Speaker C: Okay. This is like rides, like having like, the measurement, like, if you're so short, you can't take the ride type thing, which sometimes happens because I'm so short. [00:30:38] Speaker B: Yeah, the fucking donkeys are small. [00:30:41] Speaker C: Like, sometimes the reason I ask you to take rides with me is because you reach the tall limit, the height limit, and I don't, but you're seen as the adult. So I still get to ride it. [00:30:50] Speaker A: Oh my God, I'm so short. [00:30:52] Speaker C: It's so fair. [00:30:53] Speaker B: I mean, so, like when I went to a rodeo, we were not allowed to ride the bulls. You know, I guess like, you know, 1516 year old boys, they said, no, the only one that was, was a kid named Dave. The little asian boy, tiny. I've told this story before. And the bull flipped him over the front. [00:31:13] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:31:13] Speaker B: Cut open his pants. It was a bad time for him. Got nearly close to nipping his dick, but he didn't. And they're like, you guys are just too heavy. You're gonna hurt the bulls. And we're like, okay, that's, you know, fine. We're gonna still be able to ride something. Like. Absolutely. And you know, we see these little fucking horses come out and like, and we, we see them are like, we're gonna kill those things. Like, we all know and we all agree. It's like, yeah, I I'll sit on it and my legs will touch the ground before the horse's legs touch the ground. Yeah, well, like if I'm on my motorcycle, I can't, like, I can, like, tiptoe on both fucking, you know, I can't, like, flat foot it. [00:31:57] Speaker C: Could you reach it? Could you reach the ground if you were barefoot? [00:31:59] Speaker B: No. [00:32:02] Speaker C: Have you ever driven a motorcycle barefoot? [00:32:04] Speaker B: No. Abso fucking lutely not. [00:32:07] Speaker C: But the pedals feel better when you're barefoot. [00:32:09] Speaker B: No. [00:32:10] Speaker C: Did you not see me driving barefoot the entire time on our vacation? [00:32:13] Speaker B: On a motorcycle, it is wildly different. [00:32:17] Speaker C: I suppose. So. [00:32:18] Speaker B: Imagine a rock hitting your foot at 110 miles an hour. [00:32:24] Speaker C: Hmm. Yeah, that wouldn't work. [00:32:29] Speaker B: Like, if I'm gonna go over fucking 45 miles an hour, I'm wearing all of my fucking gear. [00:32:36] Speaker C: Yeah, you are. But, yeah, like, safety is sexy. [00:32:42] Speaker B: I mean, it's not even that. It's just like, you know, I've had a fucking rock fucking come, you know, right into my fucking hand. It is not a pain. It's not like a nice thing. Like, and anyone else ever ridden a motorcycle, they're like, oh, yeah, no, I've fucking gotten pinged by a rock. It sucks, like, all the dicks because, like, a fucking car in front of you will fling a rock and you're going forward, so it doubles that speed. Boom. And now you're fucking bleeding from your hand. [00:33:14] Speaker C: Like, from our motorcycle crash. The parts of my body that got hurt were the parts that were not covered because, like, you went out and got me. Like, you bombed me. Like, a really nice jacket and pants and stuff. And so, like, where I wasn't wearing stuff. Like, that's why I have it, like, on my arm and on my shoulder, but everywhere else. Like, I was fine. [00:33:31] Speaker B: Well, I mean, I was wearing gloves and I still almost lost a finger, but. [00:33:37] Speaker C: Yeah. Your finger is still jacked, though. [00:33:39] Speaker B: It is. [00:33:40] Speaker C: That's what she kept from going to the doctor. [00:33:42] Speaker B: Yeah, I never will, but, yeah, so we saw all these fucking tiny little horses and we're like, we're gonna kill these motherfuckers. And then, like, the ground starts shaking and fucking giant fucking huge Clydesdale quarter horse. [00:33:55] Speaker C: You know, they brought out the Broncos. [00:33:57] Speaker B: The big dick motherfuckers. Like, their dicks are dragging along the ground. I'm like, oh, no, these things are gonna kill me. So, yeah, I mean, you know, good for this guy. Fat shame. Those fat fucking kids, you know, it's not fat shaming. [00:34:15] Speaker C: It's taking good care of your animals. [00:34:20] Speaker B: Like, it's not a fucking protected class for a reason, you know? Like, there's certain jobs where they can be like, yeah, you can't work here because you're too fat and there's nothing you can do about it. [00:34:34] Speaker C: I mean, in some jobs, it works. It's that way for a reason. [00:34:37] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, if you have to crawl into crawl spaces and you're just too fat, like, if you weigh, like, 450 pounds, um, realistically, you can't be a plumber. [00:34:47] Speaker C: Yeah, it's no good. [00:34:49] Speaker B: You have to get into crawl spaces and you have to get into tight spaces. And if you cannot fucking do the work, why the fuck would we hire you and waste our fucking time? [00:34:58] Speaker C: Oh, my God. One time we had a temp doctor who was like, big girl, like, 400 plus pounds, and she would lecture people about their cats being too fat, and it would be so awkward. [00:35:11] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. No, I would love it for her to, you know, that was one of. [00:35:15] Speaker C: The reasons we fired her. Not all of them, but, like, it was like, okay, if you can't lose the weight, you can't tell clients their cat needs to lose the weight. It looks bad. [00:35:24] Speaker B: I never tell anybody. I'm like, hey, you should run more, or whatever. I'm like, ugh. [00:35:30] Speaker C: I mean, some people, it's genetic. They don't have a choice. Their body does what it does. Cause it used to having to store as much energy as possible. Cause back then, you never knew when your next meal was going to be. [00:35:41] Speaker B: Yeah, whatever. But onto the next story, you know, good for that guy to, you know, not be fucking around with his donkeys. MIT psychologist warns humans against falling in love with AI. Says it just pretends and does not care about you. I mean, duh, that's most things. That's every cat, every dog, like, they pretend to love you. The second you die, your eyeballs are getting eaten. [00:36:14] Speaker C: Eyeballs are a delicacy. [00:36:18] Speaker B: And it's like, let them fall in love with AI. That fucking, you know, makes it to where it's like, I love my AI girlfriend. Awesome. [00:36:27] Speaker C: And you can't reproduce with it yet. [00:36:30] Speaker B: Even fucking better. [00:36:32] Speaker C: Exactly. Population control. [00:36:35] Speaker B: And, you know, like, the fucking MIT psychologist is like, AI lacks genuine empathy and cannot reciprocate human emotions. It can lie, you fucking. You know, any fucking dude can, like, make you think that it's. The dude's like, a girl. It's called catfishing. [00:36:56] Speaker C: I love that show. [00:36:59] Speaker B: Like, it was such a fucking great show because, like, they'd be in denial. Like, who? I don't know. And it's like, oh, I'm sorry. I was a shitty person. And then they continue being a shitty person. No lessons ever get learned in that show. Ever. [00:37:13] Speaker C: Okay, occasionally it's cute and it works out, but most of the time it's like, yeah, I think there was, like. [00:37:19] Speaker B: One episode where, like, it was actually a chick, but she was just kind of, like, uglier. And the dudes, like, you still, like, want to give this a chance? And I'm like, oh, that's adorable. Good for you. But, like, most of the time, it's just like, sorry. Yeah, I'm also a fucking dude. [00:37:37] Speaker C: Yeah, those are the best. Honest to God, those are the best. [00:37:43] Speaker B: Like, my favorite is, like, you know, like, the dude has, like, a girlfriend. Like that. That'd be great. It's like, the dude has a girlfriend. The girlfriend's like, you did what? I'm gonna go fucking date this guy. Like, all those trashy shows from back in the day were great. Like, cheaters. Of course they were fucking, you know, how to catch a predator. And I'm like, why did they get rid of this, you know, garbage tv? It was great. Courtney, did you ever watch this trash tv? [00:38:13] Speaker A: What is it called again? [00:38:15] Speaker B: Well, like, one was called cheaters, which was just like, I think my boyfriend's cheating on me. And then they go fucking catch him fucking in a car. [00:38:26] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Another one was called, I think it's so hilarious. My dad and me used to watch it, and we still do once in a while. [00:38:38] Speaker B: And another one was how to catch a predator, which was my favorite to, you know, watch, like, the dudes just walk into a trap, oblivious, with a bag of cookies, a grin, and a boner, you know, thinking that they're gonna fuck a child. Like, I can't wait to fuck this child. Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuck this child. And then, you know, Chris Hansen walks in, like, I'd like you to have a seat. And they're like, oh, shit. And they're always, like, the most, like, molester y looking people in the goddamn world too. [00:39:09] Speaker C: Who's Chris Handsworth? [00:39:11] Speaker B: Chris Hansen. He was the host of that show. [00:39:15] Speaker C: Okay. [00:39:15] Speaker B: Um, huge. Like, pretty much. They would have, like, the decoy say, hey, come on in and take a seat. You know, I'll be down in the kitchen in, like, two minutes. I'm just freshening up. [00:39:25] Speaker C: So is that dude arrested after the show, or is he just, like, let loose back into the wild? [00:39:32] Speaker B: No, they were actually let loose back in the. Because it was called entrapment. Um, sometimes, though, like, in the later seasons, they did have police, you know, sitting out front, and they arrested him. [00:39:46] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:39:47] Speaker B: It was, like, part of a sting operation. But there's some where, like, they caught him, and then they re caught him. Like, the same fucking dude. I'll never do this again. It's like, I thought you said you were never doing this again. It's like, remember me? It's like, oh. I'm like. But, like, I feel like the, you know, getting your face on national tv, it's like, oh, people know who you are now, and people know approximately where you live now. You might want to move because there's people that do not take that shit nicely, and we'll come kill you just for fun. Just be, like, a serial fucking pedophile hunter. My hero. [00:40:29] Speaker C: Second chances is an interesting concept. [00:40:33] Speaker B: No, it wasn't. The fact it was second chances. It was. They couldn't hold them legally. [00:40:39] Speaker C: Oh. Cause they. [00:40:42] Speaker B: Because they did it for, like, entertainment. [00:40:45] Speaker C: Secret law. Words that make no sense to me. [00:40:47] Speaker B: Yeah, no, it was dumb, but, yeah, no, I loved it because it was just like, yeah, you're fucking cooked now, dude. You know, everyone fucking watches the show. Your fucking jobs now, getting a call. You're losing your fucking job. You're losing your fucking, you know, your wife, your kids, all of it. And you just see people's life just fucking spiral. And I think, like, the show went off the air, cuz, like, one dude went home and killed himself, as he should. Yeah, I'm like, good. Yeah, fucking, you know, double down on that fucking show for reals. Like, I don't. Like, I see nothing wrong with that. But, yeah, I'm like, 98% sure that's what happened to. He, like, went home and fucking just, like, hung himself or shot himself or something. And then he's like. He was on fucking how to catch predator. I got caught and then fucking killed myself because I'm trying to, like, fuck children. It's like, okay, good. You know, you did turn your life around and then ended it. I mean, if I was ever like, oh, man, that child sexy, I'd fucking put a gun in my mouth quick. But, yeah, so fucking don't fall in love with AI chat bots. Or do. I mean, you know, there's nothing wrong with that. Like that. That's honestly the. The best way to do it. I feel like it can, like, level people out to where it's like, hey, you know, my AI chat bot will never fucking cheat on me. [00:42:23] Speaker C: And I. It won't. [00:42:25] Speaker B: It'll always fucking be there for me and always give me good advice and listen to you. Me. And it's just like, it won't help me with the bills. But, like, that's it. And if you, you know, if it can provide emotional stability, even if it's, you know, fabricated emotional stability, we'll take it. You know, it's like, oh, cool. You know, like, this beer fucking tastes like a, you know, rum and coke. It's like, it's, you know, coke with something that tastes like rum and a little bit of alcohol. Like any malt liquor. It's like it's not truly fucking a margarita, but tastes that way. It's fabricated. I'll take it. I don't care. But, yeah, you can get a little pocket pussy and, you know, you can have a little screen popped up on your pillow and start fucking the pocket pussy. And it can make noises, you know, awesome. [00:43:24] Speaker C: You can even use your VR headset. [00:43:26] Speaker B: Even fucking better. And if your wife dies, you can just be like, boom. And then fucking, like, take everything that you know, she believes and all that shit. And it's like, there now you have, like, a virtual version of your dead wife or whoever the fuck you want. I mean, like, it is a slippery slope now. Now I'm thinking about. I'm like, oh, yeah, you can fucking probably get, like, profiles of, like, women that you don't know, but you're, like, kind of stalking. I don't know, maybe get it out of your system. Like, let people fuck dead people, you know? Get it out of their system, you know? Who are you hurting? Person's already dead, especially if they're gonna get cremated. Little bit. Your cum will cremate right up. It's fine. [00:44:09] Speaker C: I'll make it into a dough. [00:44:11] Speaker B: It's like, why does my husband's ashes taste like the sea? It's like, oh, it's because, like, some fucking closeted guy wanted to fuck a man but didn't want anyone to know. Dead men tell no tales. [00:44:27] Speaker C: They do not. [00:44:30] Speaker B: And speaking of all that, I saw this ask Reddit thing. It was, what is the benefit of being married over just being together forever? I've asked that forever. Just, you can date her. It's fine. And then if you want to get divorced, do that. But you don't have to get married right away. Date her for seven years. [00:44:57] Speaker C: I waited seven long years. [00:44:59] Speaker B: Yeah. Is it worth it? [00:45:01] Speaker C: No, it was worth it. I'm married now. [00:45:04] Speaker B: But then, like, people got in the comments and put up, you know, valid arguments, mainly pertaining to legal rights, you know, and how fucking people would be married for 20 years. One person would die, and then fucking one of, like, the nephews or one of the family members would come in, take the house and kick them out. You're just a boyfriend. It's like, no, I was their partner for 20 fucking years. [00:45:33] Speaker C: But legally, you're just a boyfriend. [00:45:36] Speaker B: That's why I feel like, what is the like when you were, like, together for so long? Common law marriage. [00:45:44] Speaker C: That's embarrassing. [00:45:45] Speaker B: How's that embarrassing? [00:45:46] Speaker C: Because he didn't ask. [00:45:50] Speaker B: But you've been together long enough. But it's like if you want to fucking break up, like, after, like, twelve years, you can do so without, you know, any, you know, the courts getting involved. [00:46:01] Speaker C: You don't understand what it's like to be a woman. [00:46:05] Speaker B: I know what it's like to be a man. [00:46:07] Speaker C: Yeah, but you don't know what it's like to be a woman. You get married, you get your wedding, you get your fairy princess dress, you get the document, you get your partner forever. And then you burn the document because you can't return without the receipt. [00:46:21] Speaker B: Yeah, you can just fucking get store credit. Get another woman on store credit. [00:46:25] Speaker C: Mmm. [00:46:26] Speaker B: It's fine. [00:46:28] Speaker C: Point is, we're married. [00:46:29] Speaker B: It's like, hey, this one over here in the fucking clearance aisle, it's half off, right? [00:46:34] Speaker C: It's like, oh, my God, you're so married to me that you have two rings on your hand. Like, all bitches know you're married to a crazy bitch. [00:46:42] Speaker B: Yeah, that's hilarious. Like, I so, like, I do have a fucking story about this. Last week I was doing my route, and I get to the end of my day and park my truck. And the house by where I park my truck, it's behind the hotel. They have a dog out front named Wex. And, you know, the dog is, you know, Barky and very excited. And there's like, two people sitting out front that I do not recognize. I'm like, who the fuck are these guys? But like, oh, don't worry, he won't bite or nothing. And I'm like, yeah, I know that I'm here enough. And so, like, we just get to, like, talking. Like, he's like, offering me shots. I'm like, fuck yeah, I'll do some shots with you. And he's there with his girlfriend, and, you know, she immediately, like, notices, like, the rings. And she's like, do you have two rings on? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, this one was from, you know, the DMV, and then this one was, you know, from the fancy fucking wedding bullshit. [00:47:44] Speaker C: Good. [00:47:44] Speaker B: I had to do. [00:47:47] Speaker C: See, she knew I was crazy. [00:47:49] Speaker B: She was also, you know, dating my. [00:47:51] Speaker C: New friend, the point is, she knew to back off. [00:47:55] Speaker A: She wasn't so funny. [00:47:58] Speaker B: She wasn't like, she barely even talked. She was the shy one. [00:48:03] Speaker C: Doesn't matter. She knew to back off. [00:48:06] Speaker A: Oh, my. She knew you were definitely married, but, yeah, so, like. [00:48:11] Speaker B: Like, you know, honestly, all of this legal bullshit can be taken care of with a will if you do a last will and testament, fucking, you know, saying, hey, all my, you know, fucking poa. All of that goes. Power of attorney. [00:48:29] Speaker C: Ah. [00:48:30] Speaker B: Goes to this person. So, like, if you're in a coma, like, they can choose to take you off life support. If you're not married, then power of attorney goes to your next again. [00:48:38] Speaker C: Does it cost money to make a will? [00:48:41] Speaker B: Barely anything. I think you can actually do it for free. I think my work has, like, a thing that you can make up at will for free. But since we're married, like, all my shit goes immediately to you. [00:48:51] Speaker C: Yes. [00:48:52] Speaker B: And all your shit immediately goes to me? [00:48:54] Speaker C: Yes, because I have so much wealth. [00:48:59] Speaker B: All your debt goes to me too. [00:49:02] Speaker C: It's okay. It's under 30,000. [00:49:05] Speaker B: I don't even want to know. But yeah, no, like, I see all this, and I'm like, you know, my sister's. My sister's partner, seven years, passed away. While they're engaged, they lived together and were financially combined. The day after his death, his family, who had a very limited relationship with, changed the locks on the house and wouldn't allow her access to her things without permission and escorted. They were vile. They had been married. Had they been married, she would have been more control in the, you know, funeral proceedings and management of their assets. And it added to. So, yeah, it's like, family will just be, like, fucking goddamn awful. But it's like, hey, this is my fucking house. You cannot fucking kick me out of here. [00:49:50] Speaker C: I can't imagine the shit my parents would try to pull. [00:49:54] Speaker B: They don't even know where you're at, so it's fine. [00:49:56] Speaker C: That's on purpose. [00:49:57] Speaker B: Mm hmm. [00:49:58] Speaker C: It's good. [00:50:00] Speaker B: So, yeah, I mean, set up a will. Make sure your will is fucking iron tight, and then that way if someone fucking comes through and it's like, hey, no, here's the fucking will. Here's how everything's gonna go. You know, I should have a will, you know, and we should. We should get wills. [00:50:17] Speaker C: We should get wills. But I need to make a will so I can ought. So I can make it clear that I'm allowed to be cannibalized. [00:50:25] Speaker B: But, you know, honestly, we're married, and I, you know, all my wealth would just go straight over to you. [00:50:29] Speaker C: Yes. [00:50:30] Speaker B: So, I mean, that's kind of cool. [00:50:31] Speaker C: Which means you need to die on the job and not outside the job, because I'll get more money. [00:50:35] Speaker B: I'm mostly on the job, so. [00:50:37] Speaker C: Exactly. So die on the clock. [00:50:39] Speaker B: I'll try. [00:50:40] Speaker C: Good. [00:50:41] Speaker B: Like, I'll be, like, be bleeding out and, like, crawl to my truck and, like, clock in on my phone and, like, sit in my truck and bleed out. Like, Alex, you asshole. I'm, like, stabbed by a cracked head in my truck. [00:51:00] Speaker C: Like, I get enough money to pay off the house easily. [00:51:03] Speaker B: Yes. [00:51:03] Speaker C: Okay. Thank God, because I need that. [00:51:08] Speaker B: See where we're at. And then a Kentucky motel was ordered to pay $2 million after guest dies from 150 degree shower. [00:51:19] Speaker C: I want to be in a shower that hot. [00:51:21] Speaker B: So it was a 76 year old Kentucky man, which makes me believe he wasn't actually a Kentucky man. Kentucky men are fucking way more tough than that. And he was also old as shit. And on top of it all, he wasn't a guest at the hotel that his family members were staying at. [00:51:42] Speaker C: So he. He was a. So he wasn't even on the fucking thing. [00:51:46] Speaker B: No. It was an econo lodge and in law enlarger, Kentucky, a few years ago. And he turned on the shower and was immediately struck by extremely hot water that knocked him to the floor. While the water continued to burn him, the two people that were in the motel with him heard his screams and removed the tub. He had to go through skin grafting because he had deep tissue. And second degree. And second and third degree burns. [00:52:21] Speaker C: Third degree burns are so painful. Oh, my God. Third degree burns are so. [00:52:26] Speaker B: But, yeah. After spending several months in the hospital, he ultimately passed away June 19, 2022. He was never married and had no children. [00:52:36] Speaker C: He was never married. [00:52:37] Speaker B: Good. So his niece filed a lawsuit on. Against the motel on his behalf, and then the motel had to pay out $2 million. And I know these motels. They do not have $2 million. [00:52:53] Speaker C: No, they don't. He was a guest. How is he should. [00:52:56] Speaker B: What he was. [00:52:58] Speaker C: Where is their liability insurance? [00:53:01] Speaker B: I'm sure the insurance fucking paid out ultimately, you know? But, yeah, he was old, and it's like, you know, they gave him, like, a million, like, $1.2 million to cover medical expenses. The motherfucker died. He doesn't have medical insurance or medical expenses. I'm sure the family just pocketed that, like, honestly, like, for medical shit like that. I feel like they should just have to pay the hospital directly. They should, like, work out with the hospital? How much? [00:53:34] Speaker C: The hospital will make it even more money. It's through insurance, people. Medical insurance is bullshit. They're there to make money, and they're lucky you die. [00:53:42] Speaker B: Well, Adam ruins everything already covered fucking whole medical insurance bullshit, so. Yeah. And then on to the Florida story. Florida police tell people to stop taking bear, taking selfies with depressed black bear. So apparently there is a fucking bear by the side of the highway in Santa Rosa beach, and it's just. Let me pull up the tab on it, and it's just like, this fucking bear that's just, like, sitting there, just, like, not in the mood for anything. It's like, I don't care. It's like, just shoot the fucking bear, you know, fucking eat its meat, you know, make it a nice rug. You know, maybe it just did too much fucking cocaine after cocaine bear, and now it's on its way down. What? What? You're looking at your phone. [00:54:41] Speaker C: I know I'm looking stuff up before I open my mouth. [00:54:46] Speaker B: Well, I mean, like, I'm, like, over here, like, doing dead air. Like. Like, dead air is, like, the worst. [00:54:53] Speaker C: What's dead air? [00:54:54] Speaker B: Dead air is where, like, no one talks when it's like this. [00:54:57] Speaker C: Okay. I was just looking to see if Florida actually has natural bears and they. Do they have black bears? [00:55:02] Speaker B: Yeah, depressed black bears, apparently. [00:55:04] Speaker C: Aw, poor baby. [00:55:06] Speaker B: Give them SSRi's, or whatever they're fucking called. Give. Give that bear some molly. We have a great fuck molly bear. That'd be a great fucking, you know, movie or meth bear. But, yeah, there are estimated 4050 black bears. [00:55:25] Speaker C: There's pumas in Florida. They also have fucking bobtails, but there's pumas in Florida. [00:55:35] Speaker B: Yeah, it's every time my mom takes the shit, it's a puma. Puma. Like P o o M a. Like poo ma. [00:55:45] Speaker C: I don't get why it's funny. [00:55:47] Speaker B: Mapu. Yeah, whatever. [00:55:50] Speaker C: I'm giving you dead air on purpose. [00:55:52] Speaker B: Damn it. Courtney, you still there? [00:55:55] Speaker A: I don't. I didn't find it funny. [00:55:57] Speaker C: Exactly. Thank you. Exactly. [00:56:03] Speaker B: All right, well, we got some. Am I the asshole? Am I the asshole? By prank user 20:46 a.m. i. The asshole for punching my stepdaughter after she played a prank on me. That scared me. I know the title sounds bad, but please read and throw away plus fake names. I 38, male, married Judd, 44, female, a few years ago and acquired a stepdaughter, Abby, 14, female. As a result, I dated Judd when Abby was eight and met her when she was nine. And married Judd when she was ten. Judd. Just like a bad female name, dude. [00:56:46] Speaker C: How's it spelled? [00:56:47] Speaker B: Ju. Dd. Hmm. [00:56:50] Speaker C: It's not Judy? [00:56:52] Speaker B: No, it's just Judd. [00:56:53] Speaker C: You don't know Jude. [00:56:57] Speaker B: I'll say Jude. [00:56:58] Speaker C: And then the last d is pronounced D. So. Judy. [00:57:05] Speaker B: I would hate that. [00:57:07] Speaker C: I know it sounds dreadful, but that's where it went with me. [00:57:11] Speaker B: Jude. Your name's now Jude. I'm sorry. Fucking throwaway. I don't care. I'd say a relationship is okay. She doesn't act bratty towards me and respects me enough as her mom's husband. However, there's one glaring issue about her, and that is her pranking nature. Abby loves to pull pranks. Some examples of her. Some examples are her hiding my car keys with what looked like a hundred dubs in a box. I found them quickly because she failed her notice. My keys have duct tape on them. Another one is when she hid in the fridge. Something I still find very weird. To scare me. To scare the first person who opened it. Well, last Wednesday, I arrived home and it seemed like I was the only one there. Only my shoes were at the doorstep. And I even called out Jude and Abby's name with no answer. This is somewhat normal, as Jude is sometimes works late and Abby stays late for extracurriculars. So I screwed around with my dog, a german shepherd and husky mix, for anyone that will ask for a bit. Oh, God, you know, fucking loud. Fucking excitable dog for a bit. And decided to relieve myself. When I got to the bathroom, I noticed that the window cabinet was open. I thought nothing of it at first and then zipped my pants. And I saw a shadow behind the shower curtains. I thought the worst and immediately punched the figure behind the curtains. Well, as everyone may have guessed from the title, it was Abby. She was making a prank video, and I had not noticed that she had propped up her phone on the bathroom cabinet with two cups. I'm not gonna lie, I did not hold back. I punched her as hard as I could. Her nose looked broken. When I realized it, I flipped out and so did she. Maybe. After five minutes of freaking out, I drove her to urgent care and informed Jude of the situation. Her nose was indeed broken and would need about six to twelve weeks of recovery. Abby won't talk to me. And as for Jude, she thinks my action may have been justified, but also thinks I should have repressed it with more caution, which she refuses to elaborate on. So am I the asshole? [00:59:35] Speaker C: Not when you were using the bathroom. You were at your most vulnerable in the wild. Like, you were designed to protect yourself while you're relieving yourself. [00:59:45] Speaker B: Like, when he's like, I'm gonna relieve myself. I'm like, are you jacking off? [00:59:49] Speaker C: Oh, I assumed he needed to take a piss. [00:59:52] Speaker B: Yeah, no, like, now I read it, I'm like, yeah, that's obviously what I was doing. But it's like, yeah, don't fucking scare men, cuz, like. Like, there's the flight or fight response. And yes, like, a lot of us will just fight. We'll like, okay, yeah, we'll go down with the ship. Yeah, let's fight. [01:00:08] Speaker C: Now. This is your genetics at work. It wasn't funny. It wasn't a nice prank to pull. She. This is kind of like fun. What is it? Fuck around and find out. [01:00:19] Speaker A: Yep. [01:00:20] Speaker C: Yep. [01:00:22] Speaker B: I'm not the asshole. What the girl expect would happen, it's a very natural reaction to a startle slash scare. Maybe she's learned a lesson now. Also, filming in the bathroom, that's just messed up. [01:00:34] Speaker C: It is. [01:00:34] Speaker B: You really can't do that. Film the wrong person, it's a felony. This is so unfortunate. People get killed for this shit. She's lucky she's alive. That's a normal reaction to fight. As messed up is. This is stick firm because it's a life lesson. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Fortunately, it's on tape. Right? So you're protected. What she did is what's unforgivable. Her dumb antics are gonna get someone killed or her put in jail. Her mother needs to address this. [01:01:07] Speaker C: It is a good life lesson if she learns from it. I'm not gonna lie. [01:01:11] Speaker B: So, yeah, I mean, pretty cool. Yeah, whatever. And then we're gonna skip on relationship advice because I did not pick out one. Like, I opened up the page. But I do have petty revenge, though. By Wessel pomph w u s s e l p o m p pf. Landlord wants us to pay for renovations when moving out. He paid dearly instead. This happened a couple years ago when my wife and I were moving out of our previous apartment. So moving day comes, landlord shows up. We walk through the whole apartment with him handed over to him, even though he has some minor complaints. In the end, he agrees to a full refund of the deposit, and we end on good terms. A couple of days pass, and we get a long, angry voicemail claiming that he was renovating and noticed that the. Oh, shit. Courtney. Oh, no. [01:02:18] Speaker C: My bestie. [01:02:19] Speaker B: Courtney. [01:02:20] Speaker A: It's okay. Sorry, guys. [01:02:21] Speaker B: Did your phone. [01:02:23] Speaker C: I don't know. [01:02:24] Speaker A: Like, it just. I just like exited out for some reason. It was weird. [01:02:33] Speaker B: I'm going to continue on. We're doing petty revenge. Landlord wanted to pay for innovations when moving out, but he paid daily instead. A couple of days passed and we got a long, angry voicemail claiming he was renovating and noticed that the room that was my former office smells extremely bad, claiming our cats would have urinated there repeatedly and we need to come back and renovate the room ourselves. Or we could get the health inspector, contractors, etcetera, all on our dime to fix it, any means, by tearing down the wallpaper, replacing the wood flooring, painting the walls, etcetera. My wife and I are dumbfounded. We do have cats, so we don't dismiss it outright. But when we realize this is basically impossible and I use the room every day and we had an apartment profession cleaned before handing it back, and there's just no way that what he's describing was there when we left. Maybe a raccoon got in during the days that the apartment was empty or whatever, but it wasn't our fault either way. So we call him and let him know we won't cover it. He gets really nasty, making all kinds of claims about the state of the apartment, about how he'd twist everything and make sure we would pay for this. After ten minutes of back and forth, I just hang up on him expecting a massive bill to arrive at any point after this left us anxious. We really started to mess with our heads during this time. But of course, of course we didn't get our deposit back neither. Because of this whole ordeal and seeing my wife worried about this all the time, I started to become really angry and dive a little deeper into our options. I discovered that where we live, if a landlord does not formally claim for a reason for holding back a deposit within six months of the end of the lease, they are by law required to refund it. So I figured revenge is a dish best served cold. We just need to wait out another three months or so. After that, it's our turn. We calculate the exact date within six months have passed. Just after, and one day later we message him, please refund the deposit within two weeks. He just replies, yeah, sure, buddy. So we wait. No money comes. Then we send him a formal letter, setting a second deadline. Again, nothing happens. Adam's actually hoping for that. At this point, we hire an attorney and let her collect the money on our behalf. The landlord starts claiming all kinds of ridiculous damages, etcetera, which would let him keep the deposit, which the attorney simply dismisses at the time for claims has passed, then for some reason, he only pays 80% or so of the amount due, so the attorney gets at it again for the full amount. Apparently, he is not realizing that he is incurring hourly costs for the attorney, which he also has to pay, and that he is legally liable to refund. So in the end, he pays the full deposit interest and a massive bill for a lawyer far higher than the deposit. Needless to say, we are very happy with the outcome once everything is settled with my wife and I and our new home's garden and a glass of wine and burn the old rental agreement while planning on how to spend the deposit. So good for you. Fuck. Shitty landlords. What, you have to go pee? And yeah, we're gonna go ahead and end up right fucking there. Thank you all so much for fucking showing up. Thank you all so much for listening to this dumb bullshit. Yeah, I know. We're turning into, like, one of those fucking dumb Reddit podcasts. It's fine. And I might. I'm still cooking up some shit in the background. I'm just busy all the fucking time. Yep, with that, I'm gonna go cook myself some fucking chicken dinner. Thank you all so much. Bye.