Hide and Seek

[00:00:00] Speaker A: It's alrighty. Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Human Podcast. [00:00:08] Speaker B: This week, it was our anniversary. [00:00:11] Speaker A: Seven years. She hasn't tried to kill me this month yet, so I think that's a good sign. You know, I'm just waiting to wake up one day with her holding a pillow, like weekly over my head, and. And I'll be able to shove her off and I'm like, oh, no, it's the only one that doesn't have the retard strength. Yes, I've been married a long fucking. [00:00:38] Speaker B: Time, and we were together for even longer before that. I think we begin to get together a total of eleven years. [00:00:46] Speaker A: Oh, it's way longer than that. [00:00:47] Speaker B: Is it? [00:00:48] Speaker A: I knew you when I was 18. [00:00:50] Speaker B: I know. And how old are you now? [00:00:52] Speaker A: 32. [00:00:54] Speaker B: Okay, so do the math, because I can't. [00:00:56] Speaker A: 14 years. [00:00:58] Speaker B: Okay, cool. Even better. [00:00:59] Speaker C: I mean, you guys weren't together the whole time anyway, were you? [00:01:02] Speaker B: Well, no, we were long distance for a long bit. Long distance sucks. [00:01:08] Speaker A: It was the greatest. I didn't have my wife bothering me. I got to do whatever the fuck I wanted. Any side hose I could be like, hey, come on over. Yeah, my girlfriend's in California, and they're like, well, I'm a dude, and I'm not sucking your dick. And also, we're in North Dakota. There's seven women here. They're all married to multimillionaires. It's like, oh, okay, well, maybe a handy. It's like, no. It's like, all right, fine. Fucking stingy bitch. But yeah, I got my wife a squishy fucking cat. Yes, like a little pink one. [00:01:53] Speaker B: He also got flowers and a card and dinner. [00:01:57] Speaker A: Yeah, I got an $8 fucking reduced price dinner from fucking King Supers. She makes it sound like I'm a good man. It's like I put in minimal effort. [00:02:08] Speaker B: You do, but that's all right. You're working like 60 plus hours a week. I'm cutting you slack. [00:02:15] Speaker A: Yeah, you better. Anything new with you, Courtney? [00:02:22] Speaker C: I got the bookcase that I wanted. [00:02:25] Speaker B: Ooh. [00:02:26] Speaker C: Yeah, it's in the car right now. It was dark when I got home, so I didn't want to break anything or some. So, yeah, so I got this antique bookcase. It's going to go directly underneath the Alex. It's perfect. It's a little slimmer than I'd liKe, but I still like it. [00:02:51] Speaker B: I am so happy. [00:02:54] Speaker C: If I can't fit all my books into what I've got, I'm planning on getting two small bookshelves for show on the side. I'm not sure what they're going to look like. [00:03:07] Speaker B: You should do the floating bookshelves. [00:03:10] Speaker C: I don't want to do the floating bookshelves. I'll probably break them. [00:03:15] Speaker A: Not to brag, but I can carry all my books in one hand. All my book. [00:03:22] Speaker C: Oh, my God. So earlier, I saw on Reddit. Where is it? Let me see. So it said that if you could evade a villain of your choosing for a certain amount of time, you would win, like, a couple billion bucks. Which villain would you choose? [00:04:00] Speaker A: Shark Man. [00:04:02] Speaker C: Shark man. Shark man. [00:04:06] Speaker A: Yeah, because he stays in the water. [00:04:14] Speaker C: Quite honestly, I was thinking of a few that were pretty funny. [00:04:19] Speaker A: Or Galactus. He's not even here. Or Satan. It's not even real. [00:04:26] Speaker B: Okay. I want the fucking, like, mini. [00:04:32] Speaker A: Or Chucky from the fucking movie. [00:04:34] Speaker B: Oh, that's also a good option. [00:04:38] Speaker A: Just take out his batteries and be like, oh, no, you're fucking doing nothing. He's like, I can still talk. I just don't say I love you anymore. I'm like, oh, they grew up so fast, my little children. They don't love me anymore. Who would be the villain you choose, Courtney? [00:04:59] Speaker C: I was thinking probably Davey Jones, because I could stay away from the beach for a while too. That was my thought. [00:05:09] Speaker B: I thought Davey Jones couldn't come on land. [00:05:11] Speaker C: Yeah, he can't come on land. [00:05:13] Speaker B: I literally just said that. [00:05:16] Speaker A: Yeah, I can't come on land either. I come in women and in the toilet. [00:05:24] Speaker C: Yeah. Quite honestly, I would probably just go on the longest plane ever. I'd purposely go on planes and stuff, because then he wouldn't be able to follow me. It would be too hard, logistically, for him to do that. [00:05:47] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, any villain, you can just get on a fucking plane, kind of go around and just be like, yeah, but if you had to stay in your fucking city and this villain was hunting you, then that'd be a whole different fucking thing. But it's like, hey, yeah, I'll fucking get a villain that's in India. I don't give a shit. And by the time he gets a flight out of there, it's like, oh, look, cool. [00:06:15] Speaker C: Yeah, or thinking Voldemort. And he'd be looking for the wrong person, because I would make sure I changed my appearance because they probably think mumbles can't do that because they don't keep up with fucking science. [00:06:31] Speaker A: Yeah, but if you change the whole question, it's like the entire US government and every fucking agent of them. So every police officer, every CIA agent, every military member, every fucking National Guard member. They're all after you. And you have 24 hours to fucking get away. And then you have to hide for the next 24 hours, and you get, like, $10 million. Would you be able to do it? [00:07:00] Speaker B: Okay. I chose my villain who syndrome from Incredibles. [00:07:03] Speaker A: Yeah, he'll beat your ass. [00:07:05] Speaker B: Nah, he's stupid. I could hide from him. [00:07:08] Speaker A: Do you see how many fucking superheroes he killed? A bunch of them. He's, like, dead dead. [00:07:15] Speaker C: Yeah, but he lured them to him. [00:07:17] Speaker B: Yeah, like, he didn't go out and hunt them. [00:07:20] Speaker A: Yeah, because people are stupid. They're like, I liked being a fucking superhero. [00:07:24] Speaker B: Exactly. And I'm not stupid. [00:07:26] Speaker A: And then he fucking came out when it was necessary. He's like, all right, now. Time to the cape. Fucking fucked him up. [00:07:35] Speaker C: So when I was thinking about what superhero to choose, I ended up looking. I looked up the dumbest villains, and one of the ones that showed up in an article was Alec Treveland from, like, Goldeneye, one of the James Bond movies. It's like he plans to steal all the money from the bank of England and then destroy. Then, like. That's stupid, because right after funds, all of the stolen funds would be devalued. And it's pointless to steal all that money. [00:08:21] Speaker A: Well, you need the money to destroy the money, but, yeah, I mean, if you change it to where, it's like the entire United States government and every agent of them is after you. You have 24 hours to hide, and you can hide anywhere within the United States of America. The Continental United States of America. You can't go to Alaska or Hawaii or Puerto Rico. Where would you go? And how would you hide? [00:08:50] Speaker B: There's been multiple movies made like this. [00:08:54] Speaker A: It's like, if you fucking are able to successfully, you have 24 hours. They're not able to fucking monitor you for the 24 hours, but after that, they're able to use every tool, at their expense, to find you. Drones, satellite imaging, fucking radar, whatever the fuck they want. And you have to hide for 24 hours. And if you can hide for 24 hours, get a billion. [00:09:21] Speaker C: Where is the largest forest, again? [00:09:24] Speaker A: The largest forest? [00:09:26] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:09:26] Speaker A: Probably in Siberia, but no, in the United States. [00:09:31] Speaker B: I'm surprised I don't know the answer to this question. [00:09:35] Speaker A: Probably. [00:09:38] Speaker C: Let's see. I'll look it up. Largest forest. [00:09:41] Speaker A: The largest national forest. Yeah. They're going to find you in the forest. They have drones. [00:09:51] Speaker C: So what I would do is I would use cat. Like, I'm able to prepare beforehand, right? [00:09:59] Speaker A: Yeah. You have 24 hours to prepare. Okay, you have 24 hours to get wherever the fuck you want to go. And if you can get there, cool. If you can't, whatever. If you're at an airport, the TSA are going to grab you and you're fucking already out. It's like the most high state. They're not out to kill you, they're just out to capture you. So they can't burn down the forest you're in or fucking drop a nuke in the area that they think you're in. They have to actually capture you alive. See? And you're like, okay, I can do a forest, or I can do a cave, or I can go spelunking. That's what I would do. I'd go spelunking. [00:10:53] Speaker C: You'd go spelunking? [00:10:55] Speaker A: Yeah, I'd go find, like, a big old giant cave system. [00:11:04] Speaker C: So what I would do is I have 24 hours. [00:11:09] Speaker A: You have 24 hours to go hide. And then for the next 24 hours, they can use every tool at their expense, everything that they have, even the fucking shit that they don't know that they have. [00:11:22] Speaker B: So if they catch you, do you die or do you just lose? [00:11:26] Speaker A: You just lose. They have to catch you alive because it's way too easy for the US government to just drop a nuke, wherever the fuck you are, to just fire bomb an entire area and be like, yes, you're dead, you lose. Ha. We win? No, they actually have to fucking get you alivE. All right. [00:11:43] Speaker B: But if you lose, you don't get in trouble or anything? [00:11:45] Speaker A: No. [00:11:48] Speaker C: Okay. So at the beginning, I would get three to four, five burner phones. Then I would, using different phones, I would look up a bunch of different national parks. I would try to figure out where to rent a dirt bike or something. And then I'd hired people to pretend that looked like me, to append to be me, and take different modes of transportation to all the different, probably five of the largest national parks. [00:12:30] Speaker A: So you have to do all that within 24 hours? Yeah. You have to find five other people that look like you, convince them to go out, and no one knows. [00:12:46] Speaker B: Look, are just like, wear hair and makeup. [00:12:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:12:55] Speaker A: And the government's allowed to track the other fucking people, too. They just cannot track you. They cannot track your phone. But after the 24 hours is up, they can retract your phone. So, yeah, if you have your phone on you, you're fucked. But you can see this is just it from here. I would probably go out into the woods and find like, a cave system. Like, Google up a fucking cave system near me that has a bunch of fucking big ass things and cave it in. [00:13:38] Speaker B: Offense is the best defense. [00:13:41] Speaker A: And then go buy a pick from Home Depot and some digging tools and just go hide in the fucking cave that's been caved in. Just like a light little cave in. And by the time they get heavy machinery out there, their 24 hours is already fucking up. Then they have to. [00:14:12] Speaker C: Well, I mean, there's no saying you could also go have people help you do this. [00:14:17] Speaker A: Yeah, you can have whoever the fuck you want help you do it, and you can promise them a portion of your money, and then the government can arrest them or whatever for helping you. After the 24 hours has started, it's like, hey, guess what? We arrested your daughter. If you want to see her ever again, you now have to tell us where Courtney is. [00:14:53] Speaker C: Well, that's the thing. I would never tell them where I was. They could maybe figure out where I didn't go. [00:15:03] Speaker A: Yeah, Caves, obviously. One of the best. They have dogs, but, yeah, if they have you cornered, they have you in a bank vault that is locked for 24 hours. They got you. If they're like, you're in this room, they have you cornered. So you can't just be like, hey, I'm going to go. But if you're in a big enough cave, systems go on for fucking ever. And so you can just go into a cave system and Bada bing, bada boom. [00:15:46] Speaker B: You can't leave a string trail, though. [00:15:49] Speaker A: Why the fuck would you leave a string trail? [00:15:51] Speaker B: You leave strings. So you know how to get out of the cave that you entered? No, that's how you go spelunking. [00:15:58] Speaker A: That's never a thing. [00:16:00] Speaker B: That's how they do it when they're underwater. Which is. What the fuck is that called again? [00:16:05] Speaker A: That's called dying. [00:16:07] Speaker B: There's, like, a specific word. [00:16:09] Speaker A: If you go cave exploring while fucking, using any sort of diving equipment whatsoever, scuba is probably what you're thinking of. You die. And they have cords. Yes. That you can fucking go and explore a cave, and then they have like, hey, don't go any further than here. You're going to die. 100%. You're going to die. Do not go into this area. Death. Like, they have signs underwater that are like, death, death, death. You're going to die. Don't do it, you idiot. I would just remember where I was and then fucking have. Because they have to find out what cave I'm in, and you have 24 hours. So I can get to any cave within 24 hours of me, which you can get pretty much anywhere in the United States of America within 24 hours, especially from Colorado, and cave it in. So I just Google up a bunch of fucking caves and kind of like, look it up but have my phone. And then once I get close enough, I fucking throw the phone out the window and boom, you could do three notches. Have no idea what that is. Like I said, I don't know, but yeah, that's how I do it. How do you hide, babe? [00:17:48] Speaker B: Oh, I wouldn't try. [00:17:49] Speaker A: Okay. [00:17:53] Speaker B: I don't. Things I know I can't do. [00:17:55] Speaker A: Whatever. So let's go ahead and get everything fucking started. So I saw this adorable little story starts off right in Florida. We have a few Florida stories today. So a hungry black bear in Florida went and took $45 worth of Taco Bell. [00:18:24] Speaker B: Oh, man. [00:18:25] Speaker A: Delivered via Uber, eats off of someone's front door. [00:18:29] Speaker B: $45 worth of Taco Bell isn't even that much food anymore. [00:18:32] Speaker A: It is. It's a lot. [00:18:34] Speaker B: No Taco Bell. [00:18:35] Speaker A: I have never gotten $45 worth of Taco Bell for myself. So when they find a dead black bear somewhere in the middle of fucking Florida surrounded by Taco Bell and diarrhea, they're like, oh, it's that bear. They're going to know immediately. I don't even think the bear is going to eat it all. [00:18:57] Speaker B: Of course it's going to eat it all. It's a bear. It has a ginormous body. It needs to feed. [00:19:03] Speaker A: Well, I mean, $45, a fucking Taco Bell will fucking feed it for a month. [00:19:11] Speaker B: I don't know how much food bears need. I just know they need a shit ton, which is where they eat a lot of insects because they're packed full of protein. [00:19:18] Speaker A: Like a fucking snake needs, like a rat a month. [00:19:21] Speaker B: Yeah, but that's a reptile. Their metabolism is much slower than a mammal. [00:19:27] Speaker A: Bear can sleep all winter. [00:19:29] Speaker B: Yeah, when they're in hibernation. [00:19:32] Speaker A: Yeah, they fucking eat rocks, like, stuff up their butt. [00:19:35] Speaker B: What the fuck? [00:19:37] Speaker A: They eat rocks in the grass so they get constipated. [00:19:42] Speaker B: Okay, I know what they're not called coliolis, but I know what we're talking about. But that's what my brain is saying. [00:19:53] Speaker A: But this is what you get for not being a weirdo and hovering around your front fucking door. If you're over, know, just like, I'll get the Taco Bell here in a minute, fucking black bear is going to fucking come up and grab that shit. You deserve this. I hope they did not. Yeah. Ten minutes later, he came in, grabbed the food. And there's a whole ass video, too, caught on camera. [00:20:24] Speaker C: A family's food. [00:20:26] Speaker A: Let me fucking share this so Courtney can see it. [00:20:33] Speaker C: Delivery stolen right off their front porch in Longwood. [00:20:37] Speaker A: And Fox 30 Five's Hannah McKinsey is live tonight with this exclusive story. So, Hannah, safe to say they won't be getting their food back. [00:20:45] Speaker C: That's right, John, because it is long gone. The suspect involved here is a three to 400 pound black bear. The entire incident was. [00:20:53] Speaker A: Jesus Christ. [00:20:54] Speaker C: Security systeM. That footage is now going viral. [00:20:57] Speaker B: I haven't seen, like, actual news in forever. Quite make it to the last time I watched news. [00:21:02] Speaker C: Surveillance footage Friday shows the driver make the drop outside this Longwood home. [00:21:07] Speaker A: It's a nice house. Holy. [00:21:09] Speaker C: Black Bear saunters up to the front porch and helps itself to Lady Gutierrez's dinner. Gutierrez's niece, Nicole Castro, couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the video. [00:21:21] Speaker B: He came and he grabbed the food. [00:21:23] Speaker C: And then he came again for the soda. [00:21:26] Speaker A: The hungry bear, he came, grabbed the food, and then he came back with the soda. [00:21:36] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:21:37] Speaker A: It'd have been even better if it was just like some big, gay black dude. Like a black bear. Hairy, gay. He's like, oh, hell, yeah. Fucking Taco Bell. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure these Mexicans built this house so they can afford it, but imagine, like, going to Uber eats and be like, I didn't get the fucking food. It's like, we have the picture. You got the food. It's like, well, here's another video. It's like, you waited too long. That's on. So. But we do got good news. Ohio votes to legalize marijuana for adult recreational use. Oh, yeah, we don't do that. We don't do that. [00:22:31] Speaker B: I did it. Not you. There is no we. [00:22:34] Speaker A: I know. Colorado does not participate in fucking dumbass Ohio bullshit. So. No, I'm not from Colorado. You're not from Ohio either? [00:22:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:50] Speaker A: You have to be from Ohio to do that dumb bullshit. [00:22:52] Speaker B: No, I don't. [00:22:56] Speaker A: So good enough that the Californians are moving out to Ohio as well. I'm pretty sure most of it's just Dave Chappelle fucking living out there. And he's like, I want weed out this bitch. Hell, yeah. And so people are like, all right, give Dave Chappelle his weed. Yeah, we just need to fucking federally legalize marijuana. Like, everyone get off your fucking high horse. And then make certain states you can be like, hey, marijuana is illegal here. So if you have marijuana in this state and then everyone moves out of that state. And they're like, well, we need taxes. The three of you that hate marijuana with us, can you pay like a billion dollars in tAxes? It's like, we can't. We're just bitter old people that hate marijuana because we think it is related to black people. Yeah. How many people do you know that actually hate marijuana personally? [00:24:03] Speaker C: Actually, no one. I can't think of anyone who hates it. [00:24:10] Speaker A: Me personally, I'm like, one of the few people I know that doesn't smoke marijuana, and that's because I have a government regulated job. But I haven't ever met someone that's like, oh, marijuana is bad for you. [00:24:22] Speaker B: I have. [00:24:25] Speaker A: Who? [00:24:25] Speaker C: Really? [00:24:26] Speaker A: Oh, my God, your dad? [00:24:28] Speaker B: No. Okay, so two of my coworkers, okay, they're like, in their 60s, but they're like, you do not bring up weed around them. And then there is this one client, I don't know what the fuck set her off, but she was pissed off and then even came to the room, she started bitching about people who do weed, and it was like, ma'am, you're at the cat clinic and we're here to treat your cat. I don't want to partake in this conversation any longer. [00:24:53] Speaker A: You should have given her cat. You should have prescribed a cat. Some meowawana. [00:24:58] Speaker B: We carry that at my clinic for sale. [00:25:00] Speaker A: Is that. It's seriously, like a thing. [00:25:02] Speaker B: It's catnip. The brand is called Meowana, or however you said it. [00:25:07] Speaker A: Meowawana. [00:25:08] Speaker B: Yeah, no, it's a catnip brand, but yeah. [00:25:10] Speaker A: Now 24 fucking states have fucking made it legal for weeds. Just people fuck off with this dumbass weed bullshit. So good job, Ohio. You're doing the Lord's work. I don't know who the other states are that don't allow it. Probably Texas. But you're so close to fucking the border, it doesn't even matter. And Alabama, I guess, was trying to prosecute people who helped women leave to get abortions. The US Department of Justice on Thursday said Alabama cannot use conspiracy laws to prosecute people and groups who help women leave the state to obtain abortions. Yeah, fuck off, Alabama. No one wants a fucking retarded Mongoloid baby that they made with their fucking sister. [00:26:05] Speaker B: Yeah, I don't know why Alabama wants the Mongoloid baby. [00:26:09] Speaker A: Well, maybe if we have a bunch of retards, we'll be the strongest state ever. And the Hills will all have eyes out here. Yeah, Alabama, knock it off. You're too fucking stupid. Here's the shitty part. [00:26:26] Speaker B: I want to know what they were doing. Or they're just like, pulling suspicious cars over at the fucking state ends. Like, what the fuck were they doing? [00:26:35] Speaker A: Well, they would find out, like, a woman would get pregnant and she would leave the state to go have her abortion. [00:26:43] Speaker B: How did they know that that's what she's doing? [00:26:48] Speaker A: Because she'd come back and not be pregnant. [00:26:50] Speaker B: Are they just stopping every single car that's about to cross the state border? How the fuck are they going to do this besides pulling off everybody medical. [00:27:01] Speaker C: Shit that's not legal? [00:27:03] Speaker B: Okay, but there's HIPAA laws involved in that. [00:27:06] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:27:09] Speaker A: I think they're just trying to fucking find a way to scare people away from helping these women leave. And there are a few states are like, you know what? Fucking abortion is legal here. You know, we, we love abortions. [00:27:25] Speaker B: Population control. God. [00:27:31] Speaker A: I'm like, trying to, like, see if, like, there's any, like, you know. [00:27:37] Speaker B: Blah. [00:27:37] Speaker A: Blah, blah, blah, blah that would enforce private lawsuits seeking to block travel on local roads where abortion is legal. The measure would not punish women who are seeking abortion, but to present legal risks to people who help transport them to get their procedure. Yeah, they're trying to just sue people that are helping women get abortions, it seems like. And yeah, fuck off. Just let people have their fucking abortions. People can't afford babies anyway, and they're just going to go back to the fucking old coat hanger method and never even tell you that they're pregnant in the first place. Like a good fucking prom date, prom night, dumpster baby. [00:28:30] Speaker B: I saw this really annoying NPR talk, and this dude was talking about how people should be having more babies and how raising a families, all those good stuff and how it helps your brain and comes together society. And he's just like going on and on and on. At the very end he's like, yeah, and I acknowledge that finance can be hindering, but you should still have kids. At the very end he's like, oh, yeah, but even if you're poor and you can't afford it, you should still have kids. [00:28:57] Speaker A: It is wildly expensive to have a child. [00:29:01] Speaker B: Holy fuck. [00:29:03] Speaker A: If it wasn't expensive, if it was an easy fucking peasy thing to do, then sure, why the fuck not go ahead and have your fucking baby? Back in the day, it was feasible for a man to go to work and support his entire family. Buy a house, buy new cars, take the family on vacations, support the fucking wife. She could be a housewife. Take care of all the fucking kids. They can have like three fucking kids and take them all out on vacations and have a good ass time. Now that's no longer a fucking plausible thing. That can be done unless you're rich. Maybe if I get to the point in my life where I'm like, okay, everything is going fucking perfect and I'm doing great, I can maybe foster kid. I still want it. [00:29:53] Speaker B: I am not fostering. [00:29:55] Speaker A: I said no. I already said no, okay? Did you not hear that part? [00:30:00] Speaker B: I just heard fostering and I got really grossed out. [00:30:03] Speaker A: No, I understand that the foster system does need good fucking people to foster children, and I am not a good person. I'm not going to touch these children like fucking some of these other foster families do, but I will fucking teach them bad things. [00:30:26] Speaker B: Yes. This is another reason why we don't have kids is because you would not be a good dad. No offense, babe. [00:30:31] Speaker A: Yeah, I already know. I am well aware. [00:30:34] Speaker B: Good. Just like I would not be a good mom. [00:30:38] Speaker A: Anytime someone like one of my friends has kids and like, Alex and they run up to know and give me a hug, I'm like, don't touch me, kid. I don't like, like, I want to trip them. [00:30:51] Speaker B: They're cesspools, like ill of bacteria. [00:30:54] Speaker A: Get away from me. [00:30:55] Speaker B: Their immune system is better than mine. [00:30:57] Speaker A: Whatever. So yeah, go ahead and have your abortions. Leave the fucking state. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. In fact, if you need an abortion and you need, like, cab fare to get out of Alabama, hit me up. I will ignore you, but you can hit me up and maybe if I'm on a good day, I'll fucking send You $20. Oh, no, we lost. [00:31:22] Speaker B: What? [00:31:23] Speaker C: I'm back. I'm so sorry. [00:31:24] Speaker B: Oh, yay. [00:31:26] Speaker C: My phone wasn't all the way plugged in and I didn't notice. [00:31:29] Speaker A: Jesus Christ, Courtney. Yeah, we were just talking the entire time making fun of retarded babies, and you're just like, gone. It doesn't tell me when you're gone. It just tells me when you're here. And I'm like, oh, okay. Luckily. [00:31:48] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:31:53] Speaker A: Alabama is fucking trying to sue people for. [00:31:57] Speaker C: Yeah, I was there for that. [00:31:59] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah, we just fucking ripped on that for a bit. [00:32:05] Speaker C: I saw a story on Reddit. This woman was wondering if she was the asshole for immediately saying that she wanted to get an abortion when she heard that her baby was going to have really bad medical problems and she had a very small chance of surviving even into her teens. So she didn't want to do it. [00:32:33] Speaker A: Yeah, kill that baby immediately. [00:32:35] Speaker C: Yeah, it's like fucking give birth to. [00:32:39] Speaker A: That baby right into a paper shredder. [00:32:42] Speaker C: The guy wasn't. He couldn't understand that, and he was. [00:32:48] Speaker A: If you're a dude, shut the fuck up. Like, if you put a baby into a woman, it's like fucking putting a load of laundry into the washing machine, and then the washing machine just breaks. It's like, it's not going to wash your clothes now. It's like, if you put a baby into a woman and she gets rid of it and she's like, I don't want to do this. It's her choice. Let her do it now. If you want to pay her and then fucking take the baby, that's a completely other fucking thing. But go ahead and look up how much a surrogate costs and then be like, hey, I understand you don't want to have this baby. I do. I am willing to pay you not to have this abortion and give birth to the baby. I will pay you the full $80,000 to give birth to this baby, and I will take full control and do everything necessary for the baby, and you will not be responsible for this baby at all. And then if you get a contract, you have to get that all in writing. Have an attorney and everything notarized and dotted and teed. [00:33:58] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:33:58] Speaker B: This is a dreadful way to end one's relationship. [00:34:02] Speaker C: But if the woman still wants it because it was before her pregnancy, she can still renege on that adoption thing. [00:34:12] Speaker A: Well, I mean, then the contract is null and void. And then she has to give back the 80,000 for the surrogacy fees. [00:34:21] Speaker B: So the dude wants to keep the baby? [00:34:24] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:34:25] Speaker B: What the fuck? [00:34:26] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:34:27] Speaker A: Then fucking get another woman pregnant. You have infinite special sauce. You can go around all this other woman shit. If you're a dude that wants to have a baby and you're with a woman that doesn't want to have a baby, that is a fucking deal breaker in my book. Leave. I don't want to have a baby. My wife doesn't want to have a baby. Boom. Fucking works amazing. So just do that. Fucking find someone that you fucking vibe with and do all that fun shit. [00:35:01] Speaker B: This is really sucky for Op and her partner. I'm sorry they have to go through this, whatever. [00:35:09] Speaker C: They have another child. And then I think they got to the point where they were able to tell the gender, and I always forget when that is. [00:35:17] Speaker A: No idea. [00:35:18] Speaker C: They figured out it was a girl at their last appointment, and then they go in and find out that the baby has, like, a ton of defects. [00:35:28] Speaker A: Fucking get rid of that bitch. Okay. [00:35:30] Speaker B: That's so awful. [00:35:31] Speaker A: No, that baby is awful. Kill it. But. Onto the next story. I didn't know this was a thing that could be done, but Pete butigeg. Butigege butt gag. Gay butt. Pretty much. Representative Marjorie Taylor Green said, he doesn't do his fucking job. And the House decided to change his pay down to $1. So, the House approved a measure late Tuesday that would slash the Transportation secretary's beauty gigs. Taxpayer funded government salary to just $1. The bill, which was introduced by Marjorie Taylor Green, was passed via voice vote Tuesday as an amendment to the 2024 Financial Service. So, yeah, now they want to fire this dude because he's, like, a fucking lazy piece of shit, I guess. [00:36:40] Speaker B: Wait, what does that say? [00:36:43] Speaker A: What? [00:36:44] Speaker B: I'm proud to announce my amendment to fire. Like, they're trying to fire him. [00:36:49] Speaker A: Yeah, they can't fire him, so that. [00:36:51] Speaker B: They'Re making him quit, basically. This is hilarious. [00:36:55] Speaker A: They changed his pay down to $1. [00:36:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:37:01] Speaker A: Pothole Pete staged fake bike rides. The White House used private planes funded by taxpayers to receive awards for the way certain people have sex. Yeah. [00:37:17] Speaker B: This is an embarrassment. [00:37:19] Speaker A: The government sucks. [00:37:21] Speaker B: Oh, my God, the government sucks so bad. [00:37:25] Speaker A: I was having this conversation with my budy, and he's like, I'm going to change your mind about the government. He's like, do you like the roads? I'm like, no, they're fucking full of potholes and shitty. He's like, well, the government does that. I'm like, oh, cool. The government just fucking puts holes in the. Yeah, no, the government 100% puts holes in the fucking ground by using fucking plows that are fucking done by the US Department of Transportation. And they fucking rip holes and then fucking have some shitty contractors come out and fix them on your fucking tax dollars. Congratulations. [00:38:01] Speaker B: Well, isn't, like, pavement, like, really shitty concrete asphalt? Thank you. [00:38:08] Speaker A: No, it's completely different. So, yeah, Marjorie Taylor Green is like, oh, you fired him. It's like, you didn't. You can't. [00:38:18] Speaker B: No, they can't fire him, but this is the best thing they can do. [00:38:22] Speaker A: So, yeah, they just amended his salary, and I'm sure he's still going to fucking be doing all this dumbass bullshit. And I'm sure someone's going to come after Marjorie Taylor Green for doing some other bullshit. I don't know who any of these people are or what the fuck they know. We don't have Tron here to fucking inform us. He's usually the one that knows. He's usually the one that pays attention. But, yeah, fuck all these dumbass people. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg speaks with an official at the site of East Palestine, Ohio train derailment that's still going on. This was in February, 2023. That's wild. [00:39:16] Speaker B: That is wild. [00:39:17] Speaker A: I mean, this is earlier this year, but still. Yeah, that fucking dork. Get rid of the entire government. Just scrap everyone. Just beg. You're all out. And then everyone can come back and then get reelected if we find them good. It's like, you can get back in and know. Make a fucking way for us to fire them if they're shitty at their jobs. It's like, hey, guess what? You're immediately fucking fired. The United States population does not like the shit you're doing. And, yeah, get the fuck on out of. So. But speaking of dumb ass government, this is the one story that I pulled up first because I heard about it way long a while ago. King Charles confirms his plans for a lifetime smoking ban in the United Kingdom. The proposal would mean anyone born on or after January 1, 2009 would never be able to legally buy cigarettes. And then, like, the fucking picture of them is like, the crypt keeper. Look at my teeth. I'm a Sith member, Seth. I fucking Star Wars. Look at my crown. My crown is cool. Death. But yeah. King Britain's King Charles II has confirmed plans that are in the works on a bill that would ban anyone before anyone born in 2009 or later from ever being able to buy cigarettes. They would phase out the sale of cigarettes and create a smoke free generation. Honestly, I don't hate it. [00:41:26] Speaker B: Why? [00:41:27] Speaker A: Smoking is bad for you. I don't smoke. [00:41:33] Speaker B: You do not smoke, and smoking is bad. But why do you care if other people die from smoking? [00:41:39] Speaker A: Well, no, he's doing something that is ultimately good for the United Kingdom. [00:41:45] Speaker B: So I think this is stupid. [00:41:47] Speaker A: It is a dumb fucking thing. I will not deny that. It is dumb as fuck. [00:41:53] Speaker B: Okay. No. One time I was fuck, this was a while ago, so I don't remember where I heard it. But this one dude, he was, like, French. But he was talking about how in, like, he was making a commentary about how our problem with obesity. And he's like, here in Europe, we smoke cigarettes and we walk. We're not fat. And, like, cigarettes, they'll help you stay skinny. Like cigarettes. Tobacco has some good things, in my opinion. And if more people die from smoking tobacco, that's better population. [00:42:25] Speaker A: Big tobacco in the United States is kind of shitty. They put too many fucking chemicals in their. Know, people that roll their own fucking cigarettes like, they do over in England and fucking Europe and whole, they know what's in their fucking cigarettes, so they're fucking good. But over here, like Marlboro and fucking camels, they all put whatever bullshit they want and you just smoke it. You're just like, okay, cool. [00:42:59] Speaker B: So why do you care about people dying from cigarettes? [00:43:02] Speaker A: They don't die, trust me. I've seen people live long lives smoking cigarettes from like, the time they were six. I'm like, oh, okay, so nothing is bad about smoking cigarettes. Like, nah, man. [00:43:16] Speaker C: It depends on the person. Yeah, I mean, throat cancer and shit like that. [00:43:22] Speaker A: Your dad smokes cigarettes? [00:43:25] Speaker C: Yeah, and he's got a ton of plaque around his heart. He's not exactly healthy. [00:43:32] Speaker A: Yeah, but that's like the least of his problems. [00:43:35] Speaker C: Exactly. He's paralyzed. [00:43:39] Speaker A: But you roll his cigarettes for him and I feel like that's slightly better. I might be wrong on this. [00:43:51] Speaker B: Well, no, it's cheaper though, right? [00:43:54] Speaker C: Yeah, it's definitely cheaper. Trust me, if he had to pay, he wouldn't be able to do it, be able to do that. [00:44:10] Speaker A: I have a bunch of friends that smoke and yeah, it does age them a bit, but other than that, I'm like, yeah, there are people that demonize smoking without ever have smoked a cigarette. I'm like, no, you cannot. I refuse. [00:44:32] Speaker B: Which is why I don't. [00:44:33] Speaker C: Did give me asthma as a child. [00:44:35] Speaker B: Well, yeah, secondhand smoking is bad. Like, smoking around kids and pets shouldn't be done. [00:44:40] Speaker A: But for instance, if you have a stressful ass day and you're just ready to fucking kill somebody and break some shit, fucking take a drag off of fucking cigarette. It is the best thing in the world. [00:44:56] Speaker B: Yeah. This is why I don't understand why tobacco is bad, because I've never tried it. So for my, I see a lot more besides second hand smoking. Exposure to kids and pets. I don't see it as a bad thing. It's like, okay, this is what you do. [00:45:11] Speaker C: And the smell is disgusting. [00:45:15] Speaker B: Yeah, the smell is disgusting. So I don't hang out with people who smoke outside of work. I just don't. But it doesn't, you don't hang out. [00:45:23] Speaker A: With anybody outside of work, really? [00:45:25] Speaker B: Okay, well, yeah, but there's girls who smoke and tHere's girls who don't and girls who go on the smoke breaks together. They're always their own little clicky group. [00:45:35] Speaker A: Yeah, but fucking smokers are usually way fucking funnier, right? [00:45:39] Speaker B: No, they have, they're a nice little hit. [00:45:45] Speaker A: Says in the Office of National Statistics every year around 76,000 people die from smoking. Yeah. [00:45:54] Speaker B: We don't have enough predators. Let's keep our chemical ones around. Please and thank you. [00:45:58] Speaker A: But all it's going to do is create a black market for cigarettes. [00:46:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:46:02] Speaker A: Fucking. There's going to be gangs that are selling cigarettes. Weed. Fucking crack. [00:46:07] Speaker B: There's no way this is going to happen. [00:46:08] Speaker A: And then they're just going to have to fucking. It's Pandora's box. It's already open. Sorry. You fucking retarded ass government. [00:46:18] Speaker B: Yeah. It's not going to go through. [00:46:20] Speaker A: But another thing that's happening in the UK. Unprecedented diarrhea outbreak erupts in the UK as cases spike around three times above usual. [00:46:33] Speaker B: Clostridium. [00:46:35] Speaker A: What? [00:46:36] Speaker B: Clostridium. [00:46:38] Speaker A: Continue. Is that what that says? [00:46:39] Speaker B: No. But that's so. Clostridium is like a genus. I think I may not have used that word appropriate. [00:46:48] Speaker A: The United Kingdom is experiencing a traumatic outbreak unprecedented and scale and magnitude of diarrhea. Illnesses from the intestinal parasite cryptoporidium. AKA crypto. I'm sure fucking retards are going to make. Oh no. The Bitcoin is giving everyone diarrhea. Oh no. The doge. It's giving me my son the diarrhea. I got rid of all your doge son. So that way you don't have diarrhea. No. [00:47:21] Speaker B: Mom. [00:47:22] Speaker A: I was down so much on the doge. Well now you don't have the diarrhea anymore. I'm still shitting. Mom. Why did you throw away my cryptocurrencies? Yeah. Observe. Holy shit. Yeah. They have a bunch of fucking cases. [00:47:41] Speaker B: See? Tables are helpful. [00:47:44] Speaker A: Like 500 cases. So I'm like, yeah. That's not even a lot. Shut the fuck up. I should have read this one all the way through. [00:47:54] Speaker B: 500 people is a much larger number in England than it is here in America. [00:48:02] Speaker A: Yeah. It might be like 500,000. I'm just like reading the fucking table wrong. [00:48:09] Speaker B: Well. No. That'd be like a more better comparison. Their population is nowhere near as big as the US. So that's like a bigger number compared to them. [00:48:23] Speaker A: But honestly there's sometimes their diarrhea is nice when it doesn't burn your butthole and it kind of comes out and it's like. [00:48:37] Speaker B: I will always take soft over hard. [00:48:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:48:40] Speaker B: And if that means piss that's better than nothing. [00:48:44] Speaker A: As like a 30 something year old dude. The amount of times where I'm just pissing out my butthole because I decided to eat like Taco Bell or fucking a questionable gas station burrito. It's a lot. It is a lot. And there's times where I just am sitting in my office and then I just have to fucking run to the toilet because it's like, started the race from my guts and is shooting towards my butthole. And I'm, like, unbuckling, and I'm just, like, getting everything off and I'm like. And I get to the toilet and just ruins me, but it feels amazing. [00:49:33] Speaker B: I hate my IBs. [00:49:35] Speaker A: I love the fact that I can. [00:49:39] Speaker B: I've noticed that my cheese tolerance is dropping. I can't eat cheese the way I used to be able to eat cheese, and I'm real upset about it. [00:49:47] Speaker A: Yeah, I get a fucking basket of fucking fried cheese curds. [00:49:51] Speaker B: There's a reason why I haven't eaten pizza in a long time. [00:49:54] Speaker A: Yeah. Like the last time I had a basket of fried cheese curds, I looked at my friend Andy, I'm like, Andy, if I throw this table down and run to the back, you're going to know what's up. He's like, respect. You'll be fine. Maybe. Or I might die. I don't know. But I have found one of the worst ways to die due to technology. A South Korean man killed by an industrial robot that identified him as a box. An employee at a pepper sorting plant in South Korea died after being crushed by an industrial robot that took him for a box of vegetables. I mean, I guess he is a box of vegetables now. If he survived anyway. [00:50:42] Speaker B: It literally said he was killed. [00:50:44] Speaker A: I know, but if the robot just bonked him on the head. No, absolutely not. No. I am not your fucking footstool. I don't care. You have a fucking chair over there. Fucking get the chair over there. I don't care. Get that off of me. Rose, I'm not fucking you tonight. Now. [00:51:08] Speaker C: Oh, my God. That is hilarious. [00:51:13] Speaker A: Trying to get through this. But how dare they have it in Spanish? Yeah, no, it just identified them as like, oh, that's a box. How fucking weird do you have to look for a robot to be like, man or box of vegetables? Of course. What was it doing to the box of vegetables? Was it just destroying boxes of vegetables? [00:51:49] Speaker B: I also want to know what the machine is. Industrial means nothing to me. [00:51:53] Speaker A: Big. That's what industrial means. [00:51:56] Speaker B: Oh, that's what industrial means? [00:51:57] Speaker A: Yes, essentially, yes. [00:51:59] Speaker B: I had no idea that's what that word meant. I didn't know what the word meant, but I did not expect. [00:52:03] Speaker A: It means commercial. I have an industrial truck. It's a big truck that regular people don't get. Industrial kitchen. Big kitchen used for commercial. [00:52:18] Speaker B: I love learning new shit. This is cool. [00:52:21] Speaker A: An industrial robot grabbed and crushed a worker to death. Oh, that's hilarious. It just picked him up and it's like. Police say early evidence suggested that human error is most likely to blame rather than problems with the machine itself, till the incident triggered public concern about the safety of industrial robots and the false sense of security they give. Yeah, honestly, this is great. It sets back everything. [00:52:51] Speaker B: This is to be expected. In my opinion. It's just a casualty. Am I not a good person? [00:53:03] Speaker A: One of the stories that I'm, like, skipping over now I'm going to talk about it. Small animals sent to Tucson, Arizona, for rescue. We're just fed to reptiles. Honestly, I see nothing wrong with. [00:53:16] Speaker B: I see nothing wrong with this neither. [00:53:19] Speaker A: I feel like I'm a bad person. Yeah. Like, they sent them guinea pigs and shit and they just fed them to snakes and, like, here you go. Snakes. Yeah. [00:53:34] Speaker B: Rodents are meals on wheels. [00:53:36] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:53:37] Speaker A: I mean, the Humane Society received a transfer of 323 animals from its San Diego based counterparts. [00:53:44] Speaker B: Those are 100% infested with fleas. Transfers from out of state to other shelters does not go well. [00:53:54] Speaker A: Yeah, whatever. Fuck them. [00:53:56] Speaker B: It never goes well. [00:53:58] Speaker A: The little animals would die anyway. Like, they have, like, a three year lifespan. If they're not going to get adopted, fucking throw them away. [00:54:06] Speaker B: No, seriously. There was a transfer of shelter animals up from Texas, and they fucking released a really weird ass worm we hadn't seen in Colorado for over 50 years, and it just went rampant through the freaking pets. Oh, my God. We are all like, what the fuck is this? Wait, this is from Texas? What the fuck is it doing here in Colorado? Like, it did not go well. Well, fucking nematodes. [00:54:28] Speaker A: Whatever. Let's get on to Am I the asshole? Because we're quickly approaching the hour. Am I the asshole? Story by capable emergency. Five one asshole for not telling my boyfriend I own the building we live in. Hi. Obviously a throwaway for privacy. Also, I'm new to posting. I hope I do this correctly. When I was 18, my dad gifted me a house with two stories. I am extremely thankful that we're. I'm extremely thankful we are not upper class. But my dad bought this house for a cheap price a long time ago. It was his grandmother's cousin's house. I know that this was an extreme privilege, and I am forever grateful for it. The layout of this house is like an apartment, but it is a house. So, basically, each story has its own separate entry, its own kitchen and bathroom. I live upstairs while we rent out the downstairs. My boyfriend, 25, male, moved in with me about three months ago, and we've been together for six months. I have not asked him for money, neither for utilities or to pay me any rent. The only thing he contributes is to groceries that we split 50 50. I've not brought up that I own the building as it is not something I tell many people. If people ask me, of course I tell them that I own it. But if they just assume I am a renter, then they can believe that the topic of a landlord and the renter downstairs or the owner of the building has not been something we have talked about. This. Last Tuesday, the renter came up to tell me that her freezer stopped working. I answered the door and my boyfriend heard us talking. I suppose I went downstairs to take a look, and we came to the conclusion that she would buy a new one, send me the receipt, and I would give her the money. She was very grateful for this solution. When I went upstairs, my boyfriend asked if it could be fixed. I told him no, but she was going to buy a new one and I would pay for it. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked, why the hell would I pay for her freezer? I told him that I am her landlord and that the freezer was there when she started renting and I could stand for the cost. He asked me if I was serious, to which I said I was. He began screaming at me, asking why the hell would I hold this information from him? And that I was an evil person. I said that I was sorry for not telling him, but I didn't think it would matter. He, of course, could not believe he was together with someone who was a landlord. That just all of us use the people, that all of us just use people for money. And the only thing that we people care about is money. And we would rather have people be homeless than offering affordable rent. The downstairs is one kitchen, one bath, and four of the rooms. I charged $500. No great fucking price. Op. I understand that many other people have trouble with landlords, but I try my best to be a good one. He demanded I give him 50% of the money I make from rent, or else I was just as bad as he thought. [00:57:48] Speaker C: What? [00:57:49] Speaker A: Was I really an asshole for not telling him? He has not talked to me since Tuesday, and I have tried telling him I'm truly sorry, but he doesn't answer me at all. Break up with him. Whoa. Leave him. Kick him the fuck out of your life. [00:58:04] Speaker B: The fuck. [00:58:07] Speaker A: Get him the fuck out of there. [00:58:11] Speaker B: Op, how did you not see this while you typed it? I don't mean that in the mean way, but is there an update? [00:58:20] Speaker A: Well, I'm going to read the edit edit obligatory edit to add that I certainly did not expect this to blow up the way it did. I have tried to read as much as I can. Thank you for all your advice and support. I have talked with him and we'll try and update later tonight when I have time to process everything that went down. I'll try and write it out the best I can for the people that are worried about my safety. I called my dad who sat outside his car when I talked to my boyfriend. I am safe as right now. I hope he'll continue that way. Update posted blah blah blah blah Fucking let's see what the fucking update is because this fucking asshole doesn't know how. [00:59:02] Speaker B: To just she said it was her first time. [00:59:09] Speaker A: This is going to be extremely rushed. Lack details might not be clear. I apologize blah blah blah blah. Before I get to the update, why would I charge $500? The place is an hour drive from the nearest city. [00:59:26] Speaker B: Oh, Op is not in the US. Okay. Something's just made more sense to me. [00:59:30] Speaker A: Yeah. Also a note. I'm not in the US. Neither do I live in a country where English is the first language. Okay, yes to the story. That's fake, I bet. Blah blah blah it's not fake. Why would you move in with somebody after three months? He had problems with his recent living situation, told me about it, offered to let him stay with me as long as he needed or wanted. I do this as a nice gesture as I did not want to be homeless. As he expressed, he would feel like a failure if he moved back in with his parents. Onto the update I read as much as I possibly could and after thinking about it, also about the previous stuff I brushed off, I decided I would break up with yes. It seemed like an impulsive decision, but after everything I felt that the sooner the better it'd be. I texted my dad and explained a bit off to him. I asked him if he'd be willing to drive to my place and sit in the driveway as I was going to talk to my boyfriend and he said without hesitation, yes. [01:00:31] Speaker B: Oh, I'm so happy you have a good relationship with your dad. Op Jelly. [01:00:35] Speaker A: I thought about what I'd tell him and how I would lay it out. I was extremely nervous about how it would go and not wanting to lie. I was scared. When I got home, he was already there. I greeted him and of course he said nothing. I text my dad. My dad got there, and I sat down on the couch beside my boyfriend. He did not know my dad was here. I can't recall the exact details of the conversation. My mind tends to blank out in stressful situations while trying my best to recite it. Me. I think we need to have a talk with each other if this relationship is going to work. Him. So you're ready to apologize? Me? I will apologize for not telling you that you lived in my building. Fuck. God damn it. That hurts. For which I have apologized many times. I will not apologize for not giving you part of my income. Him. And why is that such a big deal to you? If you don't rent out for the purpose of taking people's money, then you should have no problem of giving that money away. Me? I really try to understand how you think. You think I'm in it for the money and think I'm a bad person for renting out the downstairs complex, but yet you want money from it. Don't you understand how that seems that you're in it for the money? I rent to the people downstairs for $500. If you really believe that landlords are just money grabbers and not good people, would you like me to donate it to half of it to charities specifically for housing? Around here is where the common, collected and fine conversation ends. My memory from all blah, blah, blah, blah. The gist of him. I know this is extremely rushed, but it all happened so fast, and it's extremely stressful as I try and write out the more important stuff. [01:02:34] Speaker B: Oh, I'm so happy Op had her dad there. [01:02:36] Speaker A: Thank however, I'm safe, and he can't come in here because he threw his key at me, so he doesn't have it anymore. He is now my ex boyfriend, and I will contact him sometime about asking when he'll be able to pick up his stuff. I don't know where he is staying. Neither do I really care. [01:02:55] Speaker B: Oh, thank God. Op had her dad there. [01:02:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:02:59] Speaker A: What a fucking piece of shit, dude. Yeah, okay, I get it. Landlords bad, boo tough. [01:03:09] Speaker B: Well, no, he's just a narcissistic asshole who couldn't take being called out on his shit. And then he tried to get physical. [01:03:18] Speaker A: So, yeah, fuck him. He tried punching a hole in the wall. Unsuccessfully. That means you have a good house. [01:03:30] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm super happy op got away out of that relationship. [01:03:34] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm sure he's like, oh, yeah, that bitch. It's like, dude, you could have a fucking baller ass place for free. [01:03:42] Speaker C: And quite honestly, it's kind of shitty of him to not offer to pay any rent whatsoever. [01:03:48] Speaker B: Yeah. Also, that. [01:03:49] Speaker C: Wouldn't that be a conversation I had before I moved in with someone was what they went or ask them if they wanted to know how to split rent or anything like that? [01:04:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:04:06] Speaker C: Or like, utilities, because he says he just pays for fucking groceries. [01:04:13] Speaker A: Yeah, 50 50 on the groceries. That's it. And she did a nice thing, and no nice deed goes unpunished. That's truly it. Quick relationship advice. I, 43, female, just had sex for the first time. How do I tell my husband, 44, male, that I want to end our marriage? Pretty much. I already read through the story. Op throwaway is gay, and the husband is asexual. So they just are cuddly and kind of celibate best friends. But during the weekend of the 21st high school or the 25th high school reunion, about 4 hours from where she lives, she stayed with her female best friend Eve, and they fucked a whole bunch. Did Op enjoy herself a bunch? [01:05:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:05:18] Speaker A: She felt desired, authentic, real. [01:05:21] Speaker B: Oh, I'm so happy for Op. [01:05:23] Speaker A: And she's shedding a lot of self depreciation and is actually determined to live her life now. She's ready to lose friends and family and becoming unwelcome at church and. But, yeah, everyone else is totally innocent on all this, and she wants to fucking go live her own fucking life as she should. [01:05:51] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Okay. You lived far too long to never have had an orgasm. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Girl, spread your fucking wings. Ooh. Pun intended. Yes. [01:06:07] Speaker A: And then Op said, thank you all for giving us so much to consider. Amidst the deluge of hate and name calling, there's been a lot of empathy, encouragement, and thoughtful advice. Thank you all so much. You're fucking awesome, Op. Just know that. And yes, our marriage was very much to avoid the overwhelming stigma in our raised in faith that goes with staying single, wanting to be child free, being gay, et cetera. We both have great affection for each other, but we're not self aware to figure out that that social pressure, blah, blah, blah. Young marriage. We joke that we're like secret agents in our own cover story. So, yeah, essentially, the husband was the purse, and Op is infertile. She's prayed for God to take away the gayness. [01:07:09] Speaker B: Op, your life has been very heavy. Please put yourself first. [01:07:20] Speaker A: He's just completely asexual. [01:07:24] Speaker B: Which is fine. [01:07:25] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:07:26] Speaker B: Being Ace has its bennies. It has bennies. [01:07:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Just tell your husband that you want to kind of have an open relationship. Because you can do that. You can go out and hang out with quote unquote girlfriends and go fuck the shit out of them. No one cares. [01:08:04] Speaker B: What if Opie falls in love and wants to get married? She can. [01:08:07] Speaker A: She's already married. Yeah, because here's the problem. If she does get divorced, then Opie's husband has to now suffer in the church and all of her friends and family. It's know you can have confidants that are friends and family, that people you trust and kind of bring them in, let them know what's up. But honestly, you don't have to tell anybody any of your shit. [01:08:35] Speaker B: No. Op should put herself first. [01:08:38] Speaker A: Go ahead and do whatever the fuck you want to do. I say all the time, I'm not gay, but I'll flirt with boys. I don't care. Or men. [01:08:46] Speaker B: Op deserves to put herself first. It sounds like her. I'm not even going to call them a partner at this point. Currently, I'm not quite sure what I would label their relationship as besides friendship. But if they're besties, he would be like, fuck, yeah, go. If they're besties the way she says they are, then he'll be completely understanding. [01:09:09] Speaker A: Yeah. My wife says I can fuck men all the time. [01:09:11] Speaker B: Yeah, you can. [01:09:13] Speaker A: I mean, I don't. [01:09:14] Speaker B: But you can if you want. [01:09:16] Speaker A: It's like, well, now I'm allowed. I don't want to, but I flirt with the guys all the time. It's like gay chicken. [01:09:31] Speaker B: You know my rules. [01:09:35] Speaker A: See, I don't fuck other women because they're expensive. You are wildly expensive. [01:09:42] Speaker B: I know. [01:09:42] Speaker A: I can't afford a second one of you. [01:09:44] Speaker B: I know. [01:09:45] Speaker A: Kidding me. I went out with my friend and he paid for dinner, paid for my drinks, and then went out and got some pussy. We were talking like jokes and shit and having a good ass time and playing pool. It's a good fucking time. But that's it for this episode. You can follow me, Instagram, Twitter, fucking X, or whatever the fuck it is. Alex, the truck, everywhere. I don't care if you do. I don't care if you don't. Oh, my wife just left. If you want to see me live, if you want to see me do some comedy, if you're ever in Colorado Springs, Colorado, every Friday at Salador bus downtown at 07:00 there is an open mic. I perform there the second Friday of every month. Most of them. I will be at Nano's second Friday. That is like 08:00. There's a show, big show. Come on. Out. I'm usually for all of those as long as I'm not working. And then every Monday in Durango, Colorado, at Moe's or at Starlight Lounge, whatever you want to call it, at 08:00 there's an open mic. I perform there every Monday. And if you're there, you get a free recording of your comedy set that I record and send out to you. So come on out. Enjoy. Courtney, is there anything you want to talk about? Closing words? [01:11:33] Speaker C: No, I think I got a lot in today. [01:11:36] Speaker A: All right. Well, see you all later. Bye.