Hard Chocolate

[00:00:04] Speaker A: Alrighty. Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another week of the Human podcast. I'm your host, Alex the truck. We got my wife. Not the truck. [00:00:14] Speaker B: Not the truck. [00:00:14] Speaker A: Courtney from, you know, way the. Over in, you know, communist land. [00:00:19] Speaker B: Courtney, why are we separated? I know, right? It's so mean. [00:00:27] Speaker A: And today I have learned a lesson. [00:00:31] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. This is. I am so confused. [00:00:36] Speaker A: So, you know, I was melting, you know, chocolate, like, baking chocolate down Ghirardelli. Ghirardelli, for a chocolate bar. Melted beautifully. No problems, waited, you know, everything in a double boiler. Yeah. And it worked. [00:00:51] Speaker B: You did it, right? [00:00:52] Speaker A: I did it, you know, of course. Right? And it's like, boom. No problems whatsoever. And, you know, poured it in, you know, tamped it down. Beautiful chocolate bars, you know, phenomenal. I loved them, you know, and then I, you know, grabbed my bag of Hershey's baking chocolate because I liked, you [00:01:13] Speaker B: know, it didn't say baking chocolate on it. It just said special dark. [00:01:17] Speaker A: It, you know, it's a darker chocolate. Same. I got it from the baking aisle, you know, I didn't get it from the candy aisle. Like a fucking lunatic. It wasn't milk chocolate. It was dark chocolate, you know, from Hershey's. And I literally put it under boiling water, 212 degree water, where it was boiling over into my fucking chocolate and just. It just stayed a fucking, you know, clump. And it just wouldn't fucking melt. [00:01:51] Speaker B: It wouldn't melt it. [00:01:52] Speaker A: Like, not nothing. Like, I had a, you know, put up more Ghirardelli and it just to, you know, make it do something. And I just. Just, you know, pure, you know, baking chips from Hershey's do not melt. [00:02:08] Speaker B: Like, it didn't fucking melt. Like, what the fuck? Chocolate melts. [00:02:11] Speaker A: And I wasn't sure if, like, they just, like, made it for, like. Just for, like, chocolate chip cookies and make. Oh, you can put these in chocolate chip cookies. They'll never melt. You can fucking bake them at 400 degrees and, you know, it'll be fine. It's like, no, I want melty fucking chocolate. [00:02:29] Speaker B: Like, it was so weird. It was in the double boiler and everything. Like, it was not obeying the laws. [00:02:35] Speaker A: So do not fucking get Hershey's chocolate. I've learned my lesson. Ghirardelli's, you have a goddamn customer for life. Any chocolate I ever buy from this point forward, Ghirardelli, you got all of it. You got 100% of the lion share of all the, you know, chocolate I'll ever buy. I don't buy a lot, but all of it I will get from you. Thank you, Ghirardelli. You are amazing chocolate makers. Hershey's, you're trash. Get the out of here. Exit stage left. When I fucking get, like, a little Hershey's bar from fucking, you know, I'm gonna throw it in garbage. I'll probably eat it, you know, so. [00:03:15] Speaker B: Chai Tea lot. So Chai tea. His previous owners had named him Hershey. And like, every time they came in, we'd be like, oh, my God, we all fucking. Like, we all hate Hershey's. At my job, like, none of us like Hershey's. We're like, why would you name your cat after a fucking nasty ass chocolate? So that's why his name had to be changed when I adopted him. [00:03:38] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, and the farmer's market parking guy. [00:03:44] Speaker B: There was a parking guy. [00:03:47] Speaker A: Do you not remember the car? And the. [00:03:49] Speaker B: Oh, my God, the car that was fucking parked in the middle of the fucking lane that you drive through. [00:03:56] Speaker A: So, you know, last week after the podcast Sunday hit, and we went to the farmer's market. I wore a pretty dress and I wore black. It had polka dots because I'm like, goth or something. And these are random stories. We went to the farmer's market, and there is some jackass just parked, like, in the, you know, the driving lane. [00:04:21] Speaker B: Like, it's a type of a thing where it's like multiple stories. [00:04:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, you know, and you know where you go up or go down and like, on the way up, just parked in the middle of the way and [00:04:36] Speaker B: it parked like it looked like it was in a parking spot. So when I first saw it, I thought, oh, oh, there's more. That's just the end of the parking lane. And then I realized, no, that's in the lane you drive through. But it parked like it was in a parking spot. [00:04:53] Speaker A: And so we're sitting there, I'm like, I. I had to go up to the car because I was so fucking confused just to make sure that there is nobody in this fucking car. I'm like, oh. And I went downstairs. [00:05:06] Speaker B: If someone been in the car, what would you have done? [00:05:09] Speaker A: I'd have told him, you can't park your dumb fuck. Move your fucking car. I'd have not been nice about it. There's no law that says you have to be nice to dumb people. Yeah, none. And it's like my favorite thing. It's like, if you're, you know, dumb, I get to call you out on it. And, you know, you could be like, yo, that's Mean or rude or whatever. It's like, no, I'm done being nice. I'm like, this cynical old man now. Congratulations. You molded me into this. And, yeah, so, like, we. We saw this car. I'm like, I. I went downstairs to look for a parking attendant. I, like, I was like, you know, ready to snitch. But, like, I didn't see one immediately. So I just went on to the farmer's market. I'm like, like, if it was convenient to snitch, I'd been like, this is a guy. But I'm like, they'll know. [00:06:07] Speaker B: I mean, it did have a ticket when we came back on it, so. [00:06:09] Speaker A: So, yeah, like, we. We went out to the farmer's market. [00:06:12] Speaker B: It was fun. We stood in the rain. [00:06:16] Speaker A: We. We got, you know, three drops of rain on us. Like, we didn't stand in the rain. [00:06:21] Speaker B: No, we stood in the rain. [00:06:22] Speaker A: What do you. You didn't get wet? [00:06:25] Speaker B: What are you talking about? My hair was damp, and it was fun, and one of the raindrops hit me on the nose. [00:06:35] Speaker A: Yeah, one of the raindrop. Like, when you're counting raindrops. Yeah. This is not. [00:06:39] Speaker B: It's not raining raindrops. I'm just saying, a single one. [00:06:43] Speaker A: There's people out there with clipboards and paper and be like, would you like to sign her dumb thing. [00:06:47] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Those were annoying. [00:06:49] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:51] Speaker B: Really good food. [00:06:53] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, like, there is, like, a black eye barbecuing. So I'm like, yeah, we're gonna go down. [00:07:00] Speaker B: I think I'd like the shrimp, but I did. But the beef was amazing. [00:07:06] Speaker A: I, I don't know what it is. You know, black guys at farmers markets, phenomenal cooks. And, you know, like, if you see, like, a white guy with a fanny pack, I ain't trusting them for, you know, he has a fanny pack full of, you know, spices that are, you know, seals on. He's like, the meat is the spice. I'm like, you know, off. I, I, I want enough garlic to, like, you know, repel vampires. You know, bring it on. [00:07:37] Speaker B: How much garlic? You know, a vampire? [00:07:40] Speaker A: Not much. [00:07:41] Speaker C: So actually, garlic is a blood thinner, so I think that might be a mist. And if vampires were ever real, I think that just means that it makes you easier. Pray for them. [00:07:55] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, like, the fucking whole, you know, garlic myth comes from big vampire. It's like, oh, yeah, don't, you know, eat a bunch to garlic, you know, and it's like, you know, big bears are like, oh, yeah, fucking slather yourself in barbecue sauce. Before coming out to the woods and then ring a bell, because we'll run away from the big bell. And it's like, just a dinner bell for them. They're like, oh, yeah. Dumb white people. I love them. They're so good. [00:08:29] Speaker B: I think you're right, though, because garlic's like, a really bad thing for animals to ingest. And while I don't know the symptoms, like, unfortunately, I should know the symptoms, and I don't. [00:08:38] Speaker A: I mean, Punky Doodles already did a whole skit on it. [00:08:41] Speaker B: Of what? [00:08:42] Speaker A: Of, you know, why, you know, you're supposed to, like, do all the. All the vampire roll. Do you not, like, watch any of the Punky Doodles? [00:08:54] Speaker B: I have no idea what you're talking about. [00:08:55] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Punky Doodles is, like, literally, like, one of my favorite things. [00:09:01] Speaker B: Like, it's a picture. [00:09:04] Speaker A: It's like a comic. [00:09:05] Speaker B: Okay. [00:09:07] Speaker A: Yeah. Where they. They go into, like, different fucking things. [00:09:11] Speaker B: Do what? [00:09:15] Speaker A: You know, like, it. It'll just let me pull it up on the. I have the Internet at my fingertips. Funky doodles. Yeah. They have Instagram. Oh, no, not that one. God damn it. [00:09:50] Speaker B: Like, do they do T shirts and that kind of stuff? [00:09:55] Speaker A: Yeah, Punky Doodles. This one let me share the screen with Courtney so she can actually see what the I'm talking about. Get rid of that. [00:10:03] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:10:10] Speaker A: God damn it. I hate, like, when, like, the pause button does not work for. [00:10:18] Speaker C: I know. [00:10:33] Speaker B: And it's not money. It's not power. [00:10:36] Speaker A: It's wizard time, motherfucker. [00:10:39] Speaker B: Fireball. [00:10:41] Speaker A: Men only want one thing, but let's see. [00:10:46] Speaker D: Vampires cannot enter a house uninvited. Turns out they invented welcome mats to bypass this rule decades ago. That makes so much sense. Vampires created welcome mats. Oh, my God, they did. Everybody needs to know this. Vampires cannot. [00:11:02] Speaker B: I love that so much. [00:11:05] Speaker C: That is actually pretty funny. [00:11:07] Speaker B: That made me so happy. [00:11:08] Speaker E: Natural anticoagulant. But then why would vampires be allergic to it? Hear me out. What if vampires made up all the stuff about them being allergic to garlic so that their victims would eat it? Thinking. But instead it makes their blood easier to drink because it doesn't clot. It's been really getting to me recently. Have I uncovered their master conspiracy, or am I going to insane? [00:11:29] Speaker A: But yeah, like, just a ton of goddamn videos, you know, and it's punky doodles8 on Instagram. I don't know why it's 8, but, you know, and it's all, like, fun [00:11:42] Speaker D: fact, you know, if Snow White literally had lips red as rose and hair Black as ebony and skin white as snow. She'd look like a walking nightmare. Honestly, this sounds like the description of a vampire. Which would also explain how she convince Stephen dwarves to let her stay with them. How she could control some animals to do her bidding. How she could sleep for a long time without aging. Oh my God. Snow White's a vampire. If. [00:12:10] Speaker A: But yeah, just like little. They're all, you know, animated and it's, it's just like a great one to just go through and just like watch like non stop. It's a great doom scrolling thing and so, yeah, I'll sit there and watch Punky Doodles all goddamn day. I didn't even like, bring up any of the normal that I'm gonna do because I, I was, I was so mad about that chocolate. [00:12:46] Speaker B: It didn't melt. [00:12:47] Speaker A: So mad in the top of boiler. [00:12:50] Speaker B: Chocolate melts in a double boiler. It didn't melt. [00:13:00] Speaker A: It's fine. I will be very mad if I, if I get to the freezer and it's not frozen because I, like, I did the best I could with what I had. [00:13:14] Speaker B: It didn't. [00:13:16] Speaker A: And the Ghirardelli melted just fine. I put it in the chocolate mold. [00:13:19] Speaker B: Butter would have helped. [00:13:21] Speaker A: I don't think any. I, I think a prayer to God wouldn't have helped. Yeah. You know what's gonna help? Never buying Hershey's again. Yeah, never. [00:13:30] Speaker B: They're chocolate's nasty. The people who love Hershey's. I'm not trying to like, make you mad or bash you or anything. I'm just saying I'm agreeing with all the people who think Hershey's are nasty. [00:13:46] Speaker A: Oh my God. Like, like I go on the trucker subreddit and you know that we have cat scales. That's what they're called. They're certified automatic truck scales, but cat. And so like you go on the scale and it, you know, tells you to, you know, move and, and it will weigh your entire goddamn truck. And this dude is at £77,000. [00:14:16] Speaker B: Is that good or bad? [00:14:18] Speaker A: I mean, it's, you know, not great. You know, He, he should be fine. [00:14:32] Speaker B: Depending, like he's going to be fine. [00:14:36] Speaker A: It's a risky run, that's all I'm saying. I, I don't know what he has, you know, on his vehicle, but I also. [00:14:44] Speaker B: So there's a cat on there, but what about the alligator? [00:14:47] Speaker A: No, this is just him scribbling out his information. [00:14:50] Speaker B: Oh, it looked like an alligator to me. [00:14:55] Speaker A: This is personal information here on it. [00:14:56] Speaker B: But like, it looks like an alligator to you, too, right? [00:14:59] Speaker A: No, because I. I know what these look like without any of this. [00:15:03] Speaker B: I know, but I said alligator, and you immediately knew what I was talking about. [00:15:07] Speaker A: The only other thing on there. Yeah, But. Yeah. Oh, my God. So we're gonna go ahead and, you know, end this episode, you know, early, because it is Memorial Day. And. And what? And what I find sad about Memorial Day is people will go around back, oh, happy Memorial Day. And, like, it's a somber holiday. You don't go around saying, Happy 9 11. You're, you know, memorializing the troops that gave their lives so we can be free in America. [00:15:52] Speaker C: Well, quite honestly, no one really remembers because now it's just another vacation day. [00:15:58] Speaker B: Yeah. It was literally what it turned into. [00:15:59] Speaker A: Turn 911 into hamburger and hot dog holiday, please. I mean, you know, the same thing with Fourth of July. It's like, oh, yeah. You know, it's a bloody battle, you know? Oh, yeah, we've been. [00:16:11] Speaker C: We even celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and that's Mexico's Independence Day, so we celebrate [00:16:19] Speaker A: the Day of the Dead. [00:16:22] Speaker C: Yeah, well, actually, that's kind of, like, universal, though. [00:16:26] Speaker A: No, that's Mexico's Day of the Dead. [00:16:31] Speaker B: No. Halloween. I don't know why Halloween isn't a holiday in the US it should be a paid holiday. [00:16:41] Speaker A: Oh, a paid holiday. No, absolutely not. [00:16:44] Speaker B: No, it should be a paid holiday as far as I'm concerned. [00:16:51] Speaker A: I mean, the Day of the Dead is like, I think November 1st. So, I mean, like, right after Halloween, [00:17:00] Speaker B: we need more paid holidays. [00:17:02] Speaker A: Why? [00:17:03] Speaker B: Because I want more paid holidays. [00:17:04] Speaker A: I don't like paid holidays because I only get paid eight hours. I work a lot more than eight hours. So I get fucking ripped off. And that sucks for me. [00:17:13] Speaker B: I know, but it doesn't suck for me. [00:17:16] Speaker A: Yeah, it's awesome for everybody else, which [00:17:19] Speaker B: is really shitty that it's not awesome for you. [00:17:21] Speaker A: Yeah, it's awful. I'm like, you let me work on Christmas. I don't care. I don't have children. I can give me all the fucking holidays, you know, oh, look, Thanksgiving. Give it to me. You know, oh, look, St. Patty's Day. Give it to me. And St. Patrick's Day is another weird one. It's like St. Patrick, you know, something with snakes. You know, he came over and he's like, hey, you know, snakes, get out of Ireland or some shit like that. [00:17:53] Speaker B: He did a good service. [00:17:54] Speaker D: We did. [00:17:55] Speaker A: We did, like, a whole fucking episode, I think, of him. [00:17:57] Speaker B: We did. [00:18:01] Speaker A: And we just, like, flew past it this time. I don't think we talked about them. It's fine. [00:18:07] Speaker B: Yeah, it is fine, because we've already done an episode on it. [00:18:11] Speaker A: Maybe we should start doing, like, episodes and, like, fucking weird, random, you know, people from history and, like, the day they were, like, born. [00:18:19] Speaker B: If I get, like, hits, that'd be super fun. [00:18:22] Speaker A: Like, you know, just like, talk about, like, Olga of Kiev, who is the baddest bitch of all goddamn time. I love Olga of Kiev, you know, because, you know, some other people from, like, another nation came, killed her husband, killed her kids, and they're like, hey, fucking marry us because you don't have a husband and you're like, a queen. And, you know, it fucking legitimize, you know, us taking over without, you know, bloodshed. And so she's like, yeah, fucking send your people over, you know, kills them all. Send more people over. Kills them all. And, and, you know, they've gotten wise. What she's doing, it's like, okay, you know, for peace, send me, you know, a bird from each one of your houses, and we'll all be good. And then she, like, you know, attached burning sulfur to each of these fucking birds and sent them all back home to, like, burn down everything. [00:19:17] Speaker B: You know, she's bad as fuck. [00:19:19] Speaker A: Yeah, we'll. We'll do a more in depth episode on her. But, yeah, I love her. And just, like, talk about, like, you know, more like, you know, weird people from history. I like it. You know, it'll slowly turn into, like a history podcast. [00:19:34] Speaker B: History is important. [00:19:36] Speaker A: History is just fun. Like, people like, you know, history is bound to repeat itself. It's like, there's nothing new under the sun. Nothing, you know, like, fucking Nazis will come back, I'm sure, just in a different name. I, I'm. I'm waiting for Jinko Jeans to come back. You know, you, you, you like, you know, see all these kids with, like, their broccoli haircuts, and it's like, yeah, fuck. Like, I hate kids hair now. I'm like, I am becoming an old man. And by the time I'm, like, getting ready to die, you know, it'll be like, you know, how we were back as kids. But that's it for this week. We're going to go out and fucking do things. We do. [00:20:25] Speaker C: Yes. See ya. [00:20:28] Speaker A: Do a bunch of drugs. All right, bye. [00:20:30] Speaker B: Bye.