Drunk Mistakes

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Alright, everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Human podcast. Unfortunately, your host, Alex the truck decided to do a bit of drinking last night and I fucking went hard on my cookie dough whiskey that I got from Costco. Dough ball. Cookie dough whiskey. Fucking good shit. I loved it. I was playing fucking call of duty, being completely goddamn useless, and both the girls are actually kind of sick. So episode did not get recorded last night. But fear not, I do have some fun shit for you. I have some comedy sets that I did record. One was about 420, another one was about some other bullshit, and another one was about some other bullshit. Every single one of them is different. And so I'm gonna fucking release three of them right here on this episode. So enjoy the one about 420. [00:01:09] Speaker B: Can you guys do a little better than that for me? No, stop. Calm down. I'm bad. That means I'm really bad. But another reason we should use the fucking patio is a few people out there just watched me eat shit on the fucking. Like, Carlos watched me eat shit hard on the patio. Oh, man, he's not even fucking paying attention. Look at him. He's like a husband. Hello. I'm talking to you. Yes. See, this is what marriage is like. Never get married. You married? Yeah, the husbands never listen to you. I know I'm married. I don't listen to my wife. But did everyone have a good 420? Yeah. How many people failed their fucking piss test today? So I've always thought that 420 was kind of a dumb holiday. Like, I've known plenty of stoners throughout my life and not a single one has ever needed an excuse to smoke weed. Like, they'll be like, oh, man, my eyes are open too wide. All right, time to kind of take that back down, man. You know? Or they'll be at work and be like, oh, man, I'm on a lunch break. I'm not that hungry. Oh, let's fucking light up the bong and fix that right now. Have a safety meeting in my fucking car. And then they'll fucking eat like, an entire package of oreos. I'm mad at you. Oh, I thought he was mad at me. I'm like, oh, no. Or, you know, you'll just be playing Call of Duty and light up a blunt. So it's like almost okay to say the n word. I'm like, oh, there's just too many of you out there just saying the n word. Knock it off. Oh, my God, I hate it. It's like, you know, as like kind of a white guy. I'm like, ugh. I feel uncomfortable because I can tell you're white too, because you say g willikers earlier and oh man. But you know, I used to be, you know, like a big fat stoner and you know, I haven't smoked weed in ten years, so I just kept the big fat part. I know. You know, everyone calm down. I didn't fucking quit for the right reasons. I quit to, you know, have a job, you know, as a, you know, commercial truck driver. They're like, you can't smoke weed. And we as a government want to know what's inside your penis. You need to pee in a cup for us. I'm like, oh, no. But I did enjoy smoking weed. You know, when I did it a decade ago when I was just like a wee little tot, it was great because you know, when I first started smoking weed, you know, the first thing I've ever eaten, the first time I got high, you know, that first bong rip in my friend's basement, my friend gave me a granola bar. He's like, here you go. It was the greatest granola bar of all fucking time. Just, oh, gave me sink water. I'm like, is this water from heaven? Oh, this is wonderful. Why didn't I start this at twelve? And you know, from there I started, you know, cooking. Anytime I got high I would just, you know, go into my kitchen. But I was poor, so I'd be like, okay, here's a questionable potato and I just cut it up and throw into a pot and like take like a package of bologna and take like two slices and rip it up, throw it in, slice of american cheese, add some water and paprika and hopefully it turned out good. It didn't. To me as like a stoned dude, it was amazing. Like if I didn't forget it on the fucking stove. The amount of times I have destroyed a pot by forgetting about it and letting it boil and just burn, I'm like, oh, no, I have to just throw it away or I make something that's just completely awful. Like, I had a chicken in a can. It was that from a questionable fucking bodega little convenience store and I, it was a dusty can too, so that should just give me a warning. Whole chicken in a can. I'm like, this is amazing. It's $3. Bought it, fucking took it home, cooked it. It was awful. I'm like, ugh, we can't save this fucking chicken in a can. And so I put it in the back of the fridge and forgot about it for six months and my roommate fucking was like, what's in this fucking pot? I'm like, oh, I don't know. I've forgotten, dude, I smoked too much weed. And he, like, cracks it just, like, a tiny bit. And he's like, we're taping this shut and throwing it the fuck away. There's no shot. It cannot be saved. So I'm like, curious. I'm like, okay. I have to fucking, you know, suffer a little bit too. I crack it. I'm like, yeah, grab the duct tape. We're gonna throw this whole fucking thing away. It was the worst fucking smell I've ever had. But on the days that I did cook something good, it was wonderful. But my all time favorite. And judge me for this, Andy. I know you are. Cause this is the most awful thing I ever did. I did it way too often. That's why I'm fat now. A slice of white bread. Just, you know, dollar store white bread, cupcake frosting on top, a whole peeled banana right on top, and then sugar right on. Fold it like a taco and eat it. It was called the fast track. And I'm surprised I have both my feet. It should have given me diabetes. After the first one, it's like, oh, shit. And every fucking time I had it, I'm like, oh, this is good. But, oh, I can tell it's bad for me. It's like smoking meth. But it's like, oh. And my other favorite thing about smoking weed was those high thoughts, you know, about these, where you try and use your brain and thought is so profound to you in your fucking stone little mind, you're like, holy. Yeah, that's another reason to fucking have it in the back so you don't have to listen to the fucking, you know, put that down. But, like, I would have high thoughts, like, what if everyone in America just stopped paying rent right now? Just everyone all at once? Like, landlords would be lined up at the court room or at the courthouse just trying to fucking file eviction paperwork, and there'd be lines wrapped around the building and be like, no. And it'd be months or years before anyone could actually get evicted. I'm like, we would live for free for the rest of the time. And my other friends would be like, dude, I'm not high enough to understand your logic there. They would just kick us the fuck out. I'm like, no, but they. We have to have our day in court. Like, you know, I'm like a high lawyer, right? And they're like, no, that's not at all how that works. They just kick you the fuck out. They get it done quick. I think they have an online portal to get it done. Like, oh, so that wouldn't work. They're like, no, Alex, that wouldn't fucking work. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm like, what if getting stoned in the Bible, you know, is not done with rocks? You're just like, you know, hey, you were disrespectful to your mom. Here's a fucking big old bong. Fucking take a fat rib and it's like, would biblical weed be awesome? You know, it's like old fucking weed. It's like, maybe like, the original weed was, like, the best weed. And they're like, alex, you need to stop smoking weed. Like, I don't say that to many people, but you need to, like, fucking tone it down. I'm like, you're right. I'll do that tomorrow. And I light up another joint. But I see it. I see you. Fucking Connor's over there checking my camera. See how much time I did? Not talking to you, sobriety boy. You probably got fired today. You're literally talking to me. Okay, maybe. Maybe I still have, like, those fucking old high thoughts just in my brain. That was a bicycle. Yeah, I mean, unfortunately, I did too much weed, so now my brain is still retarded. But I've been Alex Pacheco, thank you very much. Hell, yeah. Give it up for Alan. [00:09:51] Speaker A: All right. That was one of my sets from, like, right after 420. This next set was about how Santa Claus might be a pedophile and how the other fucking dumbass things for kids are dumb. Enjoy this dumb bullshit. [00:10:11] Speaker B: Settle down. Jesus Christ. You're like, fucking, you know, getting excited for. What the fuck are you doing touching my mic? That's sacrilegious. Get out of here. Shoo, shoo. Oh, my God. So I. I was a dumb ass kid. Anybody else? Like, I believed in magic. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. I'm not the only one not gonna die on this fucking sword, but I believed in magic. Hardcore. I loved it. Like Jesus fucking Hogwarts. I'm like, oh, my letter's gonna come any day now. The Easter bunny, fucking Santa Claus, the tooth fairy. You know, karma was gonna take care of all my bullies. Oh, fucking the wedgies. Oh, these guys are gonna get theirs one day. I just know it. What are you doing? Matt Colby. Oh, my God. Fucking paint me like one of your french girls. Jesus Christ. Look at him. He's like, getting all in there, like, kicking my camera. Fine. I love you, Matt. You're fine. I love your haircut. You need a new one. You need to get bald again. It looks like Jason Statham again. Dude, you're. It's fine. The beard and the bald. Oh. Like, I don't know what it is about that, but it's like my fucking jam. But, you know, I started growing up, you know, like, when I turned 27. You know, that's the age, like, when you're, like, in your, like, early twenties. You're still a fucking kid. There's no chance that you're just, like, drinking alcohol and going, I'm making good decisions with my life. I'm gonna, you know, try some cocaine off this toilet. You know, you're just making dumbass decisions. And so, like, when I turned 27, I started growing up. It was a good fucking time. But it's like Penn and teller just sitting down and be like, hey, magic is not real anymore. Nothing is real. And then you realize it's like, oh, wait. Jesus was, like, a dork that was, like, just really nice and got friend zoned. And the only time he got nailed was at the end of his life, which was like, great. I'm like, oh, fuck. And then they just, like, use the sympathy card and be like, give us money because we believe in Jesus, you know? And then, like, you know, Harry Potter was just a book written by some bigot. Oh, no, that guy has a bike, and he's walking it. Probably stole it. You know? Like, that's what you do. It's like you just like, I don't know how to ride this, but, you know, I know how to sell it. That's cool. And then, like, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy in Santa Claus, you know, we're just my parents. Like, I caught them, you know, like, I had proof that they were real. And it's like, oh, wait, I found the presents underneath your bed alongside of all your dildos, mom. It's like, oh, you know, this is, like, ruining my childhood in multiple ways. How fucking dare you? And, you know, I think about it every day because that's all I have time to do. I sit in my truck because I'm a truck driver, and I'm like, wait a minute. I'm kind of glad that they're not real. Cause if you think about it, the Easter bunny is just going around pooping out chocolate pagan eggs for the death of Jesus. You know, the tooth fairy is exchanging money for your children's teeth. It's like, what is he doing with your children's teeth? I'm like, it has to be something bad. Has to be like, the second he gets, like, a million fucking teeth, it's like, okay, the apocalypse. Fuck. And then Santa Claus is like, the worst of them all. He's like, spying on your children. Is your child naughty or is he nice? Oh, man. Little Timmy is a naughty little boy. He's gonna get a big black hard lump in his stocking deep in there disappointment. Aw. And little Johnny has been a nice boy, so he's gonna get a nice raft burn of exactly what he wants. Honestly, we just need a Jeffrey Epstein. Santa Claus. Just two in the back of the head. Oh, it was a suicide. What fucking happened? I don't know. Santa Claus is dead. So is all the reindeer. They're complicit in this fucking whole horseshit. And then karma was, like, the last thing I believed in. I believed in it so goddamn hard. I'm like, I want fucking the universe to care about me. It doesn't. The universe is like, oh, you're a spec. Fuck you. And, you know, like, it was probably, like, two years ago that I stopped believing in karma. I'm like, oh, karma is just bad luck and consequences. Oh. Anything that I've ever done, it's just like, ugh. I ate fucking questionable sushi that's been, like, in the refrigerator for a couple days, and I got diarrhea. Not karma, just fucking consequences. And it's fine. I just have, like, the diarrhea diaries. I'm like, shit. Oh, fuck. But, you know, I'm like, okay. You know, karma doesn't exist. I can be an asshole. It's fine. Like, if you realize that you can be an asshole and karma doesn't exist, you know, you're like, oh, fuck, yeah. I can just ruin people's days. I can go to children and be like, santa Claus isn't real. He's a pedophile. Don't sit on his lap. He's gonna think about fucking you at the mall and just ruin people. Like, ruin parents all day long. And if you do believe in karma, it's like believing that if you do a good job, you're gonna get a raise or you're gonna get a good tip and there's no shot. The only chance you're gonna get a good tip or a raise is if you have boobs and I don't. Big boobs. Yeah, you have to have big boobs. Trust me. I worked for Jimmy John's for, like, six months. And, like, I would come in and be like, man, I made $25 in tips. And then my double d co workers would come and be like, oh, you poor little thing. Oh, you only get 25? Here, let me cut you off 100. I'm like, wait, what? How much do you make? Don't worry about it. Here's 100. Go home and feel better about yourself. It's like, oh, man, shit. Oh, okay, thank you. And like, she made like a $1,000 that night. Like, oh, fuck, this sucks. But now that I don't believe in anything. Oh, they're calling. Oh, my gosh, they have ice cream. Come on in, come on in. Oh, they're running away. They're running away. Come on in. Oh, they want to enjoy their ice cream without alcoholics. That's nice. That's fucking wonderful behavior. They're wholesome. They're going to believe in Jesus, pray tonight. But now they don't believe anything. I'm like, just that piece of shit. I don't believe in myself like my parents, but if I ever do want to believe in magic ever again, I have acid at home and I can just like take five hits and just be like, the world is magical all over again. This is wonderful. Yeah, I did that last Friday, so. Whoo. I know, right? And bicycle day is coming up next Friday, I believe the 19th, right before, you know, 420, so. But thank you very much up in Alex Pacheco. Holy shit. [00:17:55] Speaker A: Karma or not, people, there's alright now for the third and final fucking one of this whole shit. Honestly, I haven't even listened back to this, so I have no idea if this is bad or fucking terrible. [00:18:13] Speaker B: Actually. [00:18:14] Speaker A: I know it's terrible. So endure. Endure what the fuck you're about to hear. If you're still here by this point. And, yeah, thank you. [00:18:28] Speaker B: I like how he puts it back in the mic stand. Like, I'm right here. He could just hand it to me like, hey, here you go, bud. But no, he's an asshole. He's like, fuck you. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up, Connor. This is my time. Me? Fuck you. Does anybody here, like, live with regret, like, all the goddamn time? So I was sitting in my truck today and I came up with three levels of regret. There's only three. Level one is a mistake you're gonna make again. Overeating. Fuck. I ate too much shit over drinking. Oh, man. Everclear was not a good choice. But you're gonna make that decision again. You're like, fine, let's run it back. All right. Strip poker. Connor, don't. Don't you fucking. He's over there, looking at his time, he's like, is this guy done yet? Fucking yeah, no, I see you, motherfucker. Then there's level two, which is a mistake you're never gonna make again. You make it and you're like, oh, no, this is awful. Like catching your dick in your zipper. You do it once. Every man has done it once. And if you haven't done it, you're gonna do it, and it's gonna be fucking awful. It's like, oh, no, that guy. Ah, shit, he was right. I'm never doing this again. Or, like, shaving your balls and just, like, nicking your scrotum. Like, women don't have to deal with this. Be thankful. And it's like, starts bleeding, like, a lot. Like, way too much. You're like, oh, fuck, I need to go to a doctor. Shit. And then after it's done, it looks like an uncooked chicken leg. You're like, oh, this is awful. And I have to, like, show it to somebody, you know, like a doctor. I'm like, oh, how does this look? He's like, well, you shouldn't put icy hot on it. I'm like, yeah, that was a bad decision. I thought it was medical. Fuck, you know, just did that once and, you know, never again. And then there's the third one, which is a life altering mistake that you just have to live with that regrets, like, oh, I did that. Like putting a baby into a crazy chick. Ugh. Like, whoever got knocked up, my mom is like, oh, man, I fucked her. Oh, she's pregnant. I'm gonna run away and fucking fake my death as he should have. I'm like, oh, yeah, no, now that I know her. Yeah, you did the right thing, dude. Like, you could have left me a couple bucks. You can, like, hook up with me on, like, facebook and just be like, hey, don't tell your mom this, but I'm your dad. I'm like, oh, cool, you got money for me? No, I mean, this is just California fucking people. But I mean, like. Or, like, choosing to do comedy, it's like, you. I have to fucking do it now. Know, like, if I don't show up, Connor's gonna call me and text me, where you at, daddy? And it's like, oh, fuck, I have to show up now. I literally just send him dick pics until he responds. Yeah, that's why I don't respond. I'm just like, keep sending him, motherfucker. Like, oh, I love it. They're mostly black dicks too. I mean, I don't care. Fucking dick is a dick. Just send them. But my favorite thing about regret is there's a book just filled with it. Just filled with bad decisions and people regret in their entire life. And it's very popular. Almost everyone knows it. It's called the Bible. And it starts off with immediate regret. Like, God's like, oh, this is great. I made the earth. I made this. I made this. I made a man. And then I made a woman fuck. And then, like, the woman immediately goes and, like, eats the fucking forbidden fruit. And it's like, oh, now fucking humanity's gonna have to deal with that decision, you asshole. And then the dude's like, I'll fucking do it too, because you have boobies and I like them, and I'll fucking suffer with you because that's what men do. And so now we all have to fucking suffer and die or some shit. I'm like, oh, God damn it. And then, like, you get to, like the story of Noah, who listens to God and has to, like, work for a hundred years to build a big ass boat where he could have just, like, recruited a couple friends to come help him. But no, he wanted to do it himself because, like, I'm the God guy. And then he had to be stuck on a boat with his wife for over a month and then take care of all them animals too, as animals, as kids. And then you get, like, the story of Samson. I love this story. It's a forgotten story all the goddamn time. Y'all familiar with this story? No. This guy's not. He has no idea. So the story of Samson is he was a very strong dude, you know, like Hercules, and he was the strongest in all the land, and everyone wanted to kill him because he was super strong, obviously, you know, like, republicans. Ugh. Awful. And so, like, a woman comes up to him and is like, hey, I like you so much. And, like, she gave him, like, pb touches and shit. And she goes, hey, what's your weakness? Like, what is it that, you know, like, takes away your power? And so he lies to her and he's like, oh, if you, like, wrap me up in reads, I'll be weak. And I'm like, you could have, like, given a bit better lie than that. Like, oh, if you suck my dick, I'll be weak for an hour. Which is not a lie. But, you know, they do that and they wrap him up in reads, and he's like, oh, fuck you. And he, like, kills a bunch more people. And then she keeps on coming back, like, seven times. Oh, I promise I won't do that again. No way. And so, you know, he keeps on lying to her, you know, oh, this is my weakness. And then eventually, she guilt trips him, and he's like, okay, it's my hair. If you cut off my hair, I'm weak. And then they do that immediately and cut off all his hair. He's like, oh, fuck, no, I am weak. Ah, shit, this sucks. And, you know, then he's, like, all locked up in, like, a temple, and he's like, God, I'm really sorry I listened to your creation. And God's like, all right, you can have power back for 2 seconds, and he collapses the temple and has to kill himself. That's the story of Samson. And it's like, don't go over there and try and, like, you know, intimidate those people into signing up for comedy. They're scared. Especially court. I see you, court. Your sexy eyes. I love you, too, Courtney. You're the hottest run of them all. It's all right. We'll fuck without Connor tonight. But, you know, like, I see people all the time getting married, and they're like, oh, man, why did I do that? Fuck. Like, my dad, he's been married five fucking times. Yeah. Every time he comes to me, Alex, I think, I'm gonna get married to this new girl. I'm like. And I start bringing up all his exes. Fuck you. And I'm just like, you know, boom, boom. You know, you married Connor. You married, you know, Connor again. Like, he married a woman that had two daughters. I'm gonna blow up their spot named Cactus and whimsical. Now, they're interesting names, and they're good, you know, kids. I have nothing against them, but it's like, that should have been a red flag. Dude, how dare you, you know, believe that that woman is sane? And I'm just like. He's like, yeah, but I love her. Cause she has boobs. And I'm like, yes, so do the rest of them, dude. So it's just, stop getting married and wasting my inheritance on random women. But that's been my time. I've been Alex and Connor's back there fucking, you know, fingering other people. Bye. [00:26:34] Speaker A: All right. And that is everything I have for this week of podcasting. I would say I'm sorry for not recording a true episode, but I don't really care. Um, I don't get paid to do this. This is a labor of love. And anytime that I don't record an episode, I have to just release shit that I have backstalked and I don't want to release this shit. I don't want to put it out to the world. I hate doing that. [00:27:08] Speaker B: Ah. [00:27:09] Speaker A: Because I feel like anytime I get up on stage and record myself, I'm like, oh, you're a narcissist, people piece of shit. Someone should like, stab you in the parking lot as you leave. But that, you know, that, that's all I got. So hopefully I don't make another one of these mistakes again so I don't have to continue releasing this shit. But if you do like it, I might, you know, just be forced to release this shit up on Instagram. [00:27:39] Speaker B: Beg. [00:27:39] Speaker A: Hey, here's my fucking sets. Here's, you know, clips of my sets. I don't know, I might release it on like a YouTube channel or something. Um, but yeah, that, that's it. I. Yeah, so bye, everybody. Follow me. Instagram, Twitter, Twitch, especially Twitch because I'm gonna do a power hour where I drink an entire keg of beer and like one like, fucking day next Saturday. So this might happen again. I don't know, but thank you. Bye.