Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Human Podcast. We're back again doing this shit nonstop. It's. It's never gonna end. It's. It's. Until I die.
[00:00:14] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:00:15] Speaker A: Which could be a brain aneurysm from sneezing too hard. Honestly, I feel like it's a problem that can never be fixed.
Like, I. Can you dot, like, can you get a brain aneurysm from sneezing?
[00:00:29] Speaker B: I thought you could just get a brain aneurysm from genetics.
[00:00:33] Speaker A: Well, you can just get brain aneurysm from getting a brain aneurysm.
[00:00:36] Speaker B: I mean, I can't deny that fact.
[00:00:39] Speaker A: Yeah, like, you can just get one. Just it, you know, it's for fun. Let me. Let me see me. Can you get a brain aneurysm from sneezing too hard?
For example, it needs to be powerful enough to cause the brain aneurysm to rupture, so you already have to have one.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: Isn't it just a blood clot? I feel like I should know this, but I don't know human medicine.
[00:01:08] Speaker A: But it's highly unlikely.
Sneezing can generate 33 times more pressure than breathing hard during exercise.
I'm holding in a sneeze can increase that pressure even more.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: Can you get a brain aneurysm from holding a sneeze? Probably.
I don't hold my sneezes. They just fucking generate a shit ton of pressure. And I hate them.
[00:01:38] Speaker B: I didn't when they make the back of the roof of my mouth itchy.
[00:01:42] Speaker A: Well, like, I wonder if there's, like, something I can do, like, put in, like, a nose ring that just, like, stop sneezing.
Like, I know. If you, like, get rid of your, you know, uterus, you don't have periods anymore. It's great, you know, get rid of the thing that causes the periods. No periods.
[00:02:00] Speaker B: There's, like, a certain piercing that's supposed to help avoid, like, headaches for life. I mean, you can't remember what it is?
[00:02:06] Speaker A: No, I want to stop sneezing. I don't give a fuck about the headaches.
[00:02:10] Speaker B: I know.
[00:02:13] Speaker A: But, yeah, it's just fucking awful. Like, being a dude.
Like, it would be like, cool if, like, I sneezed and, like, my penis inflated or something just for like a half second just went rock hard, you know, sneeze, fucking boom. Hell, yeah. Like, you see it? See? Oh, my God. You got three inches.
I didn't see shit.
[00:02:35] Speaker B: Yeah, I don't always are bothered by the sensation of the sneezing. I just hate whenever it sneezes, I break out in goosebumps all over. And it makes me feel like I'm ice cold for a second. And then my body has to, like, warm up after the sneeze. And it's weird.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: I hate fucking.
Like, when I sit down on a toilet too long, my legs, like, both of them fall asleep.
[00:02:56] Speaker B: That's not normal.
How long are you sit. Okay, you know what? Do you sit on toilets longer than a half hour?
No, I don't know. You want to know? As long as I've clocked you out on the toilet.
[00:03:08] Speaker A: You never clocked me on the toilet.
You don't like that? That's a weird thing to do, even for, like.
[00:03:15] Speaker C: We would totally do that.
[00:03:16] Speaker B: Yeah, no, it's a thing. All right, you want to know the longest time? 42 minutes. Meaning of life.
But, yeah, that's the longest I've clocked you.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: I was probably having diarrhea shits and then, like, I had stand up and then have to immediately go, like, back. Cause I don't know what it is. Like.
[00:03:35] Speaker B: Okay. No, you flushed once.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: K.
K. Well, I wanna look.
[00:03:43] Speaker B: What do you mean, you wanna look?
[00:03:45] Speaker A: Okay, as a dude, I wipe my ass fucking bo. And then I stand up and I look at the fucking disaster I created.
[00:03:52] Speaker B: Why?
[00:03:52] Speaker A: I just wanna see why, you know, fucking morbid curiosity.
Like, am I the only fucking dude that does this?
[00:04:00] Speaker B: I don't know. I'm not other dudes.
[00:04:02] Speaker C: Because it's like. I like to know if it's, like. It's part of your health.
[00:04:09] Speaker A: Yeah, see, like, I want to know, like, what kind of poop it was. Like, my.
[00:04:14] Speaker B: Do you know what a good poop is?
[00:04:16] Speaker A: Yeah. A good poop is, like, where I, like, sit there and it doesn't splash, doesn't make a sound. It, like, dips its toe in and just slides from my butthole into the bowl. And, like, I flushed it once. Doesn't even leave a mark. Like, doesn't even leave a smell. That's a good poop right there. No, no, no mark, no smell. No evidence of the poop happening. Didn't even happen. That's a good poop.
[00:04:41] Speaker C: Oh, my God. That totally is.
[00:04:44] Speaker A: See, like, there's, like, bad poops where you're like, I'm giving birth through my ass right now, and you're sitting there clenching and you feel your butthole ripping open like that.
[00:04:56] Speaker C: That's so horrible that.
[00:04:59] Speaker A: That's what I imagine birth is. Like. That. That is exactly it. And then you look down and it's just like, you know, like a sphere. Like, it's just like a ball. It's like. It's just a fat in the middle.
[00:05:11] Speaker C: When a baby's born, its skull, it actually has a t shape in it that's called the soft spot where bone has an formed yet. So what happens is their skull gets squished.
[00:05:26] Speaker A: They turned a little cone out, and.
[00:05:30] Speaker C: To be able to be. To push that out and actually squish bone so that it, like, fit through.
[00:05:39] Speaker A: I feel like I'm. Did you. Have you ever seen, like, someone actually giving birth, like, in person?
[00:05:45] Speaker C: Yeah, my sister. It was so.
[00:05:50] Speaker A: Well, I mean, her pussy is probably huge, so it doesn't even matter. She, like, probably, like, squatted once and, like, oh, the baby's here.
[00:05:57] Speaker B: Did she get an epidural?
[00:06:00] Speaker C: Christy did, yeah.
[00:06:02] Speaker A: I don't know why I don't like your sister.
[00:06:05] Speaker B: We're not talking about Cassandra. We're talking about Christy. You've never met Christy?
[00:06:08] Speaker A: Oh, then, yeah. I don't have any opinion on her.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: I.
[00:06:13] Speaker C: Crazy. She, like, thinks helicopters and shit are following her.
[00:06:20] Speaker A: She from California.
[00:06:24] Speaker C: She's, like, super. Like, she believes that people are spying on her.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: Yeah, they are. You look in your cell phone and say hello, and everything you fucking search goes straight to the government. And the government's like, oh, cool. She's fucking, you know, trying again on Tinder or whatever.
[00:06:44] Speaker B: You once told me Christy is, like, growing into your mom.
[00:06:50] Speaker C: You know what? I quite honestly think they have some type of bipolar disorder.
[00:06:55] Speaker A: I'm glad I'm friends with, like, the normal one of y'all.
[00:06:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:00] Speaker B: What? Yeah.
[00:07:02] Speaker A: Between her sisters.
[00:07:03] Speaker B: Mm hmm.
[00:07:05] Speaker C: Yeah, my. My mom, like, she went through this phase where she thought people were stealing from us.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:15] Speaker C: And it was super paranoid.
[00:07:18] Speaker A: Oh, she'd learn about taxation.
Yeah, white. Like, the fucking Boston tea party. Like, people think, oh, they just threw, like, some leaves of tea into the Boston Bay.
No, they threw concentrated tea, like, fucking dabs, like, with weed, but, like, in tea form.
And they're like bricks that you break off, like, a tiny little bit of it, and it makes, like, a fucking, you know, cup of tea. They threw bricks and bricks of this shit into the fucking ocean, essentially.
[00:07:55] Speaker B: That.
That was probably not good for the ecosystem.
[00:07:59] Speaker A: Oh, it was terrible for the ecosystem.
[00:08:00] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:08:01] Speaker A: Turned everything into tea, but it's all fucking.
[00:08:04] Speaker B: There's caffeine in that.
I don't know how well underwater animals respond to caffeine.
I hate that. I had to say underwater animals, considering how many nature documentaries I watch.
[00:08:18] Speaker A: The underwater animals. Like, why are they all british. Can't we get a Texas dude to fucking do the dog?
[00:08:25] Speaker B: No, I only watch the british ones. Do you want me to watch the american ones?
[00:08:29] Speaker A: No, I don't. I don't want just an american one. I want a southern Texas gentleman back. All right, well, we have right here is the greatest white shark. Oh, yeah. Get out of here. Black shark. When no one likes you. Black shark. It's like. It's a mako shark. I don't care what you want to call it. Get that. Yeah. Just like. He just, like, starts saying slurs. I'm like, no, this is amazing.
But no, that doesn't exist. There's no, like.
[00:09:01] Speaker B: I mean, I don't know. I never looked for it. I just literally only watch nature documentaries that are narrated. I survived Athenburgh.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: Every single National Geographic's fucking whatever the fuck. Planet Earth. Blue Earth. What? All of them. All the fucking big famous ones that are on Netflix. All of them fucking british people.
[00:09:21] Speaker B: I love that you know the names of what I watch without even thinking about it.
[00:09:27] Speaker A: I could just, you know, great big Earth. Oh, my gosh. The Earth. You know, you just fucking, you know. Adjective Earth. Boom. You fucking nailed it.
[00:09:38] Speaker B: Yeah, there's planet Earth. There's planet Earth two. There's planet Earth three, there's blue planet. There's blue planet two. And then they just recently released released green planet about plants, and there's an episode about plants that live in water, and water is the most important thing to me. So, yeah, it's cool. Why are you watching this on Discovery plus?
[00:09:57] Speaker C: Oh, my God. I knew there was a place that I could watch it.
[00:10:02] Speaker B: Yeah, it's all on this. I think also Apple TV might have it, but, yeah, it's all on Discovery plus. But they still only have seasons two. One and two and five of river monsters. No one has the rest of this. Of this fucking seasons. And it's bothering me.
[00:10:18] Speaker A: Wait, what seasons existed?
[00:10:20] Speaker B: Okay, no, season three and season four are. I can't access on any of the social media or any of the streaming platforms we have. I mean, I can buy it off Amazon, but. But I just want the torpedo episode because it has the fucking jacks, and I like jacks.
[00:10:40] Speaker A: Let's see. Watch river monsters. Oh, it's on HBO Max.
[00:10:46] Speaker B: HBO Max only has the same seasons that freaking Discovery plus has that. Hulu has. I don't know where the other seasons are.
Like, I want season three and four and five and six for season.
[00:11:02] Speaker A: For season three.
[00:11:05] Speaker B: It might be season four. I don't know. I'm really confused by numbers.
[00:11:09] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah. Cause, like, I'm looking at HBO Max right now, so. On Discovery, it's on HBO Max.
We have it.
I do. Anyway.
[00:11:18] Speaker B: Yeah, no, the only streaming service I pay for is discovery bloods.
[00:11:22] Speaker A: I mean, like, I have to, like, go through fucking prime. So it's, like, kind of like a fucking whole ass nightmare.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: Why? Prime's like a. So is like a hub.
[00:11:31] Speaker A: It is like. It has, like, all the fucking or. No, no, it's through Disney. That's right. Oh, so, yeah, no, that's. It's his own fucking thing.
But, yeah, I pay for the Disney bundle.
But, yeah, through Max, I'll fucking.
[00:11:52] Speaker B: You know, the only thing I watch in HBO Max is Lord of the Rings.
[00:11:55] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. It's fucking right up there in the top.
[00:11:59] Speaker B: I'm sorry. I accidentally heard the music on, like, a tick tock, and I had to watch the whole series again.
[00:12:08] Speaker A: Yeah. So they have season 2378 and nine.
[00:12:12] Speaker B: Yes. Four, five, and six are missing. It's not a discovery. Plus, it's not on HBO Max river monster, season four.
[00:12:22] Speaker A: I'm sure, like, it's, like, the fucking easiest thing to do, you know?
Buy one episode. How do I fucking buy the series?
I don't want to own the whole ass series. Stupid motherfucker. No, no, no, no.
[00:12:45] Speaker B: Like, there's an episode where he accidentally catches, like, this ginormous grouper.
[00:12:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:54] Speaker B: I mean, there's more episodes with sharks on it, specifically bull sharks. But there's one where it's, like, a really rare species of sharks I can't remember the name of, but there's sharks involved.
Freshwater sharks.
[00:13:06] Speaker A: They probably weren't great fucking episodes then.
[00:13:08] Speaker B: Nah, freshwater sharks are cool as fuck.
[00:13:13] Speaker A: I mean, sharks are all right.
I feel like sheep are better than sharks.
[00:13:22] Speaker B: It's your opinion.
[00:13:23] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, the. The ability to get killed by a sheep is, like, very low, but it's never zero.
It's like sheep, ducks, and rams. I don't know what the difference between a sheep and a ram is, but there is a difference.
Courtney, this seems like your alley. What's the difference between a sheep and a Ram?
[00:13:45] Speaker C: A sheep and a ram?
[00:13:46] Speaker A: Yeah. What's the difference?
[00:13:48] Speaker C: Isn't a ram just a boy version?
[00:13:51] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: Is that it?
[00:13:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:54] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: You didn't call a horse a horse. Like, there's, like. No, like, female and male horse.
[00:14:03] Speaker B: What are you talking about? It's a sire in a dam.
[00:14:07] Speaker A: I've never heard of this before.
[00:14:10] Speaker B: It's a siren exam.
[00:14:11] Speaker C: And there's even, like, you know how there's baby.
You call a baby male baby, a foal, and a male.
I mean, a girl baby, a filly.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: Yeah. So you can call it a full. It's at first, but then it changes to a cult in the Philly colt being a boy, philly being a girl.
[00:14:36] Speaker A: Yeah. Then you call him horse after that. Like, it doesn't matter if they have genitals or not. Like, it.
Like, every horse is, like, equal in my. In my book.
Like. Like, I'm not like, oh, that's a female horse that can't carry me. That's a male horse. That one can. But, like, I'm like, they're all the same.
[00:14:58] Speaker B: It's only important if you're in husbandry or veterinary, because, like, I mean, I am in husbandry. That is correct.
[00:15:08] Speaker A: So, like, why do these horses fucking matter to me?
[00:15:11] Speaker B: They don't have to.
[00:15:14] Speaker A: I mean, like, as someone that has ridden a fucking horse.
[00:15:18] Speaker B: Courtney had horses growing up.
Peanut was a bitch.
[00:15:24] Speaker C: Yeah. My mom was really stupid.
[00:15:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:28] Speaker A: How often did you ride horses?
[00:15:32] Speaker C: Um, I actually owned a horse.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:35] Speaker C: I, like, two years.
[00:15:36] Speaker B: Yeah. I go over to Courtney's, and we would double up and write her, and.
[00:15:41] Speaker C: And my horse was a little barn sour. My mom took the horses horseback riding, and she got bucked off. My horse kicked in the face.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: That was peanut.
[00:15:57] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:58] Speaker C: Like, my mom's, like, super. Like, she's, like, really stout and muscly and, like, she. She was a bigger girl, so I don't think she had.
[00:16:14] Speaker A: I mean, I. My favorite video of horses is when those idiots were trying to, like, breed the two horses, and then they bring over the stud to, like, fuck this horse. And, like, he's, like, all excited, I'm gonna get some pussy. I'm gonna get some pussy. Look at my big winner. I'm gonna get some. And then he gets kicked right in the fucking face and dies.
[00:16:34] Speaker B: Yeah. I love that video. It's like, you idiot.
[00:16:38] Speaker C: Uh huh.
[00:16:41] Speaker A: It's like, you don't have to force it, and if she doesn't want it, she will kill that other horse or just artificially inseminate the horse. It's fine.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: Yeah, seriously, that's the way to fucking do it.
[00:16:54] Speaker A: Like, you know, get the long glove. Like, you think doctors have long gloves? It's like, oh, no, this one goes all the way.
[00:17:02] Speaker B: Yeah, they're cool.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: And then you, like, put, like, fucking semen in your hand or however you do it and fucking, you know, go fucking elbow deep just right in there and fucking. I don't know what they do. Like, after their hand is in.
[00:17:19] Speaker B: I also don't know. I just know how the first part works, but one knows something cool. So when they. So for bulls, they had them. They have them fuck a fake bull to get the semen right. They discovered if they had a female or they had a cow right next to him while he was fucking the dolly. He made more semen when he ejaculated.
Weird. Like, husbandry is weird, but it's so cool.
[00:17:46] Speaker A: The amount that fucking people pay for, you know, seam, like, horse semen is insane.
[00:17:53] Speaker B: It's always been like that, though.
[00:17:55] Speaker A: Like, knock it. Like, you know, you can do, like, in Durango, there is this dude that, like, got caught, you know, fucking horses or at least trying, and his picture was out.
They knew who he was. He got arrested, went to jail, escaped from jail.
But it's like, dude, now everyone knows who you are.
[00:18:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:22] Speaker A: And you did quite possibly, like, the second worst thing that has happened here. And the first thing was not someone getting shot fucking, you know, three hotels away from me.
Like, people get shot in Durango all the time. They die.
But it's like. Like, if you live in Durango, Colorado, you know who this guy is and you know what his face looks like? All that.
[00:18:52] Speaker B: You know what his face looks like?
[00:18:54] Speaker A: Uh huh.
Yeah. Like, you. You see his picture and you're like, oh, yeah, that guy definitely fucks horses. Of course.
Like, let me see.
[00:19:04] Speaker B: Does he look like a farmhand or a cowboy horse fucker?
[00:19:09] Speaker A: Durango, Colorado.
Let me share this.
That way Courtney can also fucking see.
[00:19:23] Speaker C: Let me see.
[00:19:25] Speaker A: No, fuck off. Durango Herald. This is the guy right here.
[00:19:31] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:19:32] Speaker A: Jonah Lascaux fucking does you a faux hawk.
Yeah, kinda.
It's garbage looking.
[00:19:41] Speaker B: Well, babe, you know what I have to say, right?
[00:19:44] Speaker A: What?
[00:19:44] Speaker B: His beard looks better than yours.
[00:19:46] Speaker A: No, it doesn't.
Like, he doesn't have his fucking shirt.
[00:19:54] Speaker C: Alex, just make sure it's true when you actually see that.
[00:19:58] Speaker A: Yeah, like, there's plenty of dudes with better beards than me. Like, I'm like, I'll fucking go up to him. Like, dude, your beard's great, you know? But, yeah, this dude came into Durango about 2019 and. Yeah, and they had its surveillance video of the whole thing.
[00:20:22] Speaker C: Seriously?
[00:20:24] Speaker B: Like, he hasn't shown his face since. Right. Do you have to frown when you get your mug shot or can you, like, smile or something?
[00:20:30] Speaker A: Oh, you can definitely smile.
[00:20:31] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:20:32] Speaker A: You can 100% smile.
[00:20:33] Speaker B: So I could do whatever I want for my mug shot smiling mug shot.
[00:20:37] Speaker C: Photos at freakin rest.
[00:20:39] Speaker B: And, Alex, you never know.
I'm kind of stupid.
Yeah, yeah, I would. Okay. No, I would do, like, the anime, like, signs, like, right next to the eyes, like, you know where that red cam. That red right camera caught me every time I pass it now I make some stupid ass face from in front of it.
Yeah, I'm going. Yeah, I know precisely. Okay. I know precisely. Oh, my God. That's amazing. I know precisely what I'm gonna do for my mugshot.
[00:21:10] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I don't think you're ever gonna fucking, you know, like, be in a mug shot.
[00:21:15] Speaker B: Okay, well, if it happens, I know.
[00:21:17] Speaker A: What my plan is, but, yeah, I mean, like, there's.
[00:21:21] Speaker B: You can wear glasses.
[00:21:23] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:27] Speaker B: This is amazing. Okay. Yeah. I want my mugshot to be like.
[00:21:32] Speaker A: See, there's an instagram that exists that's called mug shoddies.
And it's just fucking hot women getting their mug shots.
[00:21:44] Speaker B: Like, fake or real?
[00:21:45] Speaker A: Real. Very real. How do you know it's mug shotties?
Mug shotties?
I just do.
[00:21:57] Speaker B: How do you know?
[00:21:58] Speaker A: Because I do.
[00:22:00] Speaker B: Do you have sources?
[00:22:03] Speaker A: Uh, the. None of your girls are hot for fucking prison bitches. They're smoking hot. Are you kidding me?
Oh, I love this girl. She's in a fucking c collar.
[00:22:18] Speaker B: Threw.
[00:22:19] Speaker A: A drink in her former boyfriend's face while he was driving her home because, um, he wouldn't let her out of the car. Then he let her have the car and drove off, resulting in her calling him to pick him up again.
This is the only mug shot I've ever seen with a neck brace. I've been doing this a long time.
Yeah, I mean, like. Like, let me share this with Courtney so she can see the mug shotties.
Yeah. And they're just, you know, like. Like the hottest of the women that are going to jail.
There's, like, fucking horrible, hideous women.
[00:23:02] Speaker B: Do I have to wear a shirt, or could I just be shirtless and hold my titties up?
[00:23:06] Speaker A: No, you have to wear a shirt.
Alex, I don't think you've ever been arrested. Like, have you ever been in the back of a police car? Yes, on purpose.
[00:23:19] Speaker B: So when my. When I was up in Castle Rock, my car got stuck, and so the cop gave me a ride over to my friend's house. His name? Ashley. But he was like, you have to ride in the back, so you can't ride up front. So I was. So I rode in the back with, like, the bars and everything.
[00:23:34] Speaker C: Really?
[00:23:34] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:35] Speaker C: I was in a police car once, but we were just there for the air conditioning.
[00:23:40] Speaker B: Oh, no, I haven't. In a second. One after my second crash, the one where I crashed the IQ, like, he wouldn't let me, like, walk to the gas station. He, like, made me wait in his car until Courtney came to pick me up.
[00:23:51] Speaker A: That's stupid.
[00:23:52] Speaker B: Yeah, no, I was really irritated. And then, Courtney, every time I called, you're like, oh, I'm going to take a shower. Oh, I'm going to do this. And I'm like, Courtney, I'm in a cop car. Come get me.
[00:24:02] Speaker C: Oh, my God. When was that?
[00:24:05] Speaker B: Remember when I. When I crashed the IQ, the tiny car, and you had to come get me up in monument?
[00:24:12] Speaker C: Oh, yeah.
Well, I felt like if I was already gonna take so long to get there. I know. Like, I could take.
Get ready.
[00:24:26] Speaker B: Courtney, I know all of this. It's true. But I still get to give you shit for it.
[00:24:31] Speaker A: Well, don't crash no more cars.
[00:24:32] Speaker C: You didn't even tell me then that the cop made you wait.
[00:24:36] Speaker B: I did.
You did? Yes. Courtney, I called you a total of four times.
Oh, well, yeah.
[00:24:47] Speaker C: The first two were probably to make sure I was awake.
I was probably getting ready and then leaving.
[00:24:58] Speaker A: I remember I was training a kid and, you know, having to get back.
Like, I was in a car accident. My God. Damn it, dude. On a damn home.
[00:25:10] Speaker B: So, yeah, I've been in the back of a cop car twice.
[00:25:14] Speaker C: When was the first?
[00:25:16] Speaker A: Wait, have you been in handcuffs in the back of a cop car? No, that's a different experience then.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: I mean, this literally just showed how absolutely white I am and all the privilege I get.
[00:25:28] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:25:31] Speaker A: I mean, like, I've. I've had cops draw guns on me more than twice.
[00:25:37] Speaker B: I know you're fucking brown.
Like when the fucking motorcycle accident, they threw you in the back of the cop car and threw me in the ambulance. And I asked, like, three times, like, is my husband gonna be here? And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I drove off, and you weren't in the fucking ambulance with me. And, like, I was like, what the fuck? And that's when I realized, you know what? They put him in the back of the cop car, didn't they?
[00:25:59] Speaker A: Of course they did.
[00:26:01] Speaker B: I was pissed. I'm still pissed.
Like, what the fuck?
[00:26:08] Speaker A: Welcome to the land of white privilege.
[00:26:11] Speaker B: Oh, I hate how they treated you. I hate it so much.
[00:26:17] Speaker A: See that? That's just how it goes.
[00:26:21] Speaker B: But it's not okay.
[00:26:23] Speaker A: Yeah, but we learn to deal with it.
[00:26:25] Speaker B: It's not okay.
[00:26:26] Speaker A: Yeah, us brownies. Yeah, we've we can handle it.
[00:26:31] Speaker B: You shouldn't have to handle it.
[00:26:33] Speaker A: We don't need white women out here trying to be our social justice warriors.
[00:26:37] Speaker B: I take offense to that.
[00:26:39] Speaker A: Yeah, you should, because, you know, you're out here. Be like, you need to leave these brown guys alone.
[00:26:45] Speaker B: I mean, I'm not good at anything else, and I'm just making my voice heard, which is an important step.
[00:26:51] Speaker A: Yeah, they don't care.
[00:26:52] Speaker B: The more people talk, the more, the better it is.
And also, like, I'm do my best, best watch out for microaggressions. But it's not going well.
[00:27:02] Speaker A: No, we find it hilarious.
Like, when I would rather someone, you know, be my friend but be openly racist, and I'm like, yeah, you're fine, dude.
[00:27:15] Speaker B: What do you want to hear?
[00:27:18] Speaker A: Like, what do you mean for, like, racism?
[00:27:20] Speaker B: If you had a racist friend, what would you want to hear?
[00:27:24] Speaker A: You know? Like, it wouldn't bother me one bit.
[00:27:26] Speaker B: But what would you want to hear? Like, uncle ruckus shit or, like, different.
[00:27:31] Speaker A: I've heard some wild shit like that. Okay, so back in North Dakota.
[00:27:37] Speaker B: Oh, God.
[00:27:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:39] Speaker B: Oh, God.
[00:27:40] Speaker A: We were wildly racist to each other, but all in good fun, you know? Like, no one hated each other, but, you know, we'd be like, you know, hey, how much is it to, like, fuck your wife? Can I, like, give you, like, three cows to fuck your wife? You know, just like all the african guys.
And, like, the Venezuelans. I'm like, holy shit, you got out of Venezuela without getting murdered. That's crazy. But when you. They deport your ass. Oh, man, that's gonna be such a sad day. I won't go to your funeral.
[00:28:14] Speaker B: Where's Venezuela? Is it in South America?
[00:28:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:17] Speaker B: Okay. Thank God. Continue.
[00:28:18] Speaker A: It was, like, the murder capital.
[00:28:19] Speaker B: I wasn't sure.
Oh, that's why you said it like that.
[00:28:24] Speaker A: Yeah.
And for, like, you know, the white guys, I'm like, oh, man, you probably like, mayo on your mayo, and your ketchup is too spicy. Fucking.
And then, like, just making fun of, like, all, like, the regular black guys, and it's like, dude, are you gonna, like, fuck a fat white chick and eat chicken and have, like, a old English 40?
And what was funny is, like, I knew a guy like that. His name was Omega.
And the first time I ever met omega, you know, comes around the corner, old English 40 in one hand, fried chicken in the other hand, just spouting off with the n word. And then I met his girlfriend. Fat white chick, pregnant with his baby.
Every stereotype in the book got fired for drinking on the job. Just fucking nailed it, nailed it, nailed it. I'm like, God damn, reaganomics hit you hard. Holy shit. You smoke crack, too? He's like, I have. I'm like, damn, omega.
And it's like, you know, like, just hanging around omega makes me, like, want to say the n word.
[00:29:40] Speaker B: I'm like, oh, did he give you the past?
[00:29:44] Speaker A: Yeah, of course he did.
[00:29:45] Speaker B: Nice.
I don't mean it like that. I was, like, appreciating your status. I'm like, that also sounds wrong.
[00:29:52] Speaker A: Like, no, I'm not. I'm not. I'm gonna save it. I'm gonna sneak this in my back pocket, and then, like, my forefathers are like, oh, yeah, no, we already used all the passes. Sorry, dude. Yeah, like, we.
You need to pay for our passes. We used it too many times.
[00:30:11] Speaker B: So.
[00:30:11] Speaker A: We need a million more passes. That so. You know, all the white kids today don't get it no more, so poor white kids, you don't get to say the n word even though they do. My favorite people that say it though, asians. I love when fucking, like, chinese or japanese kids just turn trashy and just start spouting off with the n word. Oh, my God.
[00:30:39] Speaker B: Can you replicate it?
[00:30:40] Speaker A: No, no. I'm not like, I'm trying to be a better person. I am trying to not say slurs in my life, you know? Have I said it? Yeah, of course I have.
[00:30:54] Speaker B: It's a noble task.
[00:30:55] Speaker A: I appreciate it, you know, but it's like, I don't want to fucking, you know, have, you know, give californian white girls a reason to complain. Be like, ugh, he said the n word.
[00:31:10] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:31:12] Speaker A: And then, you know, the California white girls will, like, text me and be like, son, I can't believe you're saying the n word on your podcast, bitches.
[00:31:20] Speaker B: Texting you.
[00:31:21] Speaker A: My mom.
[00:31:24] Speaker B: Fine.
[00:31:24] Speaker A: She's the California white girl.
[00:31:28] Speaker B: I don't know why you think your mom is white.
Uh, it's the weirdest thing.
[00:31:35] Speaker A: She is so fucking white.
[00:31:36] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:31:40] Speaker A: My mom is an accountant.
That alone white owns a house.
[00:31:47] Speaker B: No.
[00:31:48] Speaker A: White.
[00:31:49] Speaker B: No. Just proves how badass your mom is.
[00:31:52] Speaker A: Has two white kids.
[00:31:55] Speaker C: She is mexican because it shows that she made a sensible choice. Going to college, getting into accounting, because that's what they all try to do here.
[00:32:06] Speaker A: What? No, they all try and pick strawberries and shit. They love it. It's her favorite thing to do. They like picking strawberries and going to jail and joining gangs.
[00:32:15] Speaker B: Do people actually like strawberries, or do they just like the word as they eat it.
[00:32:20] Speaker A: Strawberries are great. I even eat the green parts.
Like, I find, you know, areas where Mexicans are picking strawberries. I'm like, I want those strawberries.
Cause they're cheaper than fucking white people store strawberries.
[00:32:34] Speaker B: Courtney, do you like strawberries?
[00:32:36] Speaker C: Yeah, I don't like strawberries.
[00:32:39] Speaker A: I like the little green baskets.
[00:32:41] Speaker B: They give them to you in the baskets are cute.
[00:32:43] Speaker A: That's my favorite fucking part.
[00:32:45] Speaker B: I will give you the baskets, but you can get the. But you can get blackberries in the same baskets. I like blackberries a lot.
[00:32:53] Speaker A: I mean, I just find, like, a BlackBerry bush and pick them fresh.
[00:32:57] Speaker B: That's the best.
[00:32:58] Speaker A: Like, I like me and my friend James, like, he used to have a BlackBerry bush in front of his house.
And so we'd go and pick blackberries and. Cause, like, they're sharp and, like, they'd stab the shit out of you.
[00:33:11] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:33:12] Speaker A: And we get fucking stabbed. Like, come back to the house, bleeding all over our arms and shit. And, like, be pushing each other in the bushes. It'd be laughing and eating fucking fresh blackberries. It was great.
[00:33:24] Speaker B: They've tried so hard to defend themselves against herbivores, but humans, no, we didn't care. Exactly.
[00:33:32] Speaker A: It's great. It was a great time. I loved it.
[00:33:35] Speaker B: I love french blackberries.
[00:33:37] Speaker A: I remember one year, my friend James birthday, and I was at his house, and I did a party foul, and I fell asleep first.
And they shaved off my eyebrows.
[00:33:50] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:33:51] Speaker A: Like, while I was sleeping, amazing. Like, woke. I'm like, what the fuck?
I was pissed. Like, oh, shit.
I went back to sleep. I'm like, ain't nothing I can do about it now.
[00:34:03] Speaker B: Nope.
The power of acceptance.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: I was laughing about it. Like, I was a little bit upset, probably quite a bit. But, you know, it's fine now.
[00:34:15] Speaker B: It's a fun story to tell.
[00:34:18] Speaker A: I haven't thought about that in years.
But it's like, that's just what happens. That's part of the whole thing. You performed party foul. You fell asleep first. Guess what? Eyebrows getting shaved.
It was like, 02:00 in the morning too. I'm like, ah, I'm passing out. I love sleeping.
I love sleeping more than eyebrows.
Yeah. I mean, like, being a kid was like, great. Cause there's no responsibility whatsoever. And then you grow up and you're like, fuck, I have to do what now? I have to pay taxes to take care of this school and the library, even though I don't use that shit.
Like. Like, that's. That's something that fucking you know, chafes my hide is like, I have to fucking pay taxes that, you know, go to like, libraries.
[00:35:20] Speaker B: I mean, taxes suck that go towards military and that kind of shit that takes a bite. But also, there is not a single day I would ever wish to be a child again. I am so grateful for my life as it is.
[00:35:33] Speaker A: If you like, you know, mulligan and get like, a different family.
[00:35:36] Speaker B: Oh, well, that'd be different.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:35:38] Speaker B: Okay. That'd be a lot different because I don't know what.
Yeah, it'd be a lot different.
[00:35:45] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, like, if you ever, like a childhood like mine and you can like, go into the fucking woods and, you know, have a good fucking time and, you know, have a carefree childhood, you know, go to school, come home, lie to your parents, say, yeah, I did my homework and then go outside and play.
Like, I had a very different childhood from kids nowadays. And I feel like, you know, it's sad. That's why I despise them.
[00:36:14] Speaker B: Well, no, like, they're just like, I once saw this post. It's like me at eleven and it's a girl, she's like hanging upside down from a tree and like, she just has the biggest smile on her face. And then, like, there's children, like today at eleven and it's like a picture. And I'm not like bashing this, but it's like they're like posing, they're covered in makeup. Like they're doing their best to pass off as older than they are and I'm like, that's so sad.
Isn't it, Sadeena?
[00:36:40] Speaker A: Yeah. That, like, like.
[00:36:44] Speaker B: Nature more when you're a child.
[00:36:46] Speaker A: Yeah. Pick up a snake. Oh, it bit me. Uh, cool. You know, find out what, you know, what is out there as a kid. You know, now I see, like, scary.
[00:36:57] Speaker C: Because, like, I ran right past a rattlesnake, baby rattlesnake, and didn't notice. And like, they had a cut. Like, my mom ran up and killed it because, like, especially when they're babies, they're, their venom is really concentrated. So if I'd been bitten, it would have yakked me.
[00:37:23] Speaker B: If you ran by it, it wasn't gonna bother you. Your mom didn't have to go kill it.
[00:37:28] Speaker A: I like how that, like, fucking whole, like. Though the babies have more powerful venom. No, they don't.
[00:37:34] Speaker B: Yeah, they do.
[00:37:35] Speaker A: They just hold on longer.
[00:37:37] Speaker B: Well, no, like, they're. No, because they're babies. They need to be more dependent. Like kittens. They have, like, they're, they have like baby teeth and baby claws, right? But they're like needle point sharp. Like getting scratched by a kitten hurts like a bitch. And that designed a way because they have to be able to be more scary when they defend themselves as kids as opposed to when they're adult and they're bigger and they know better fight moves and that kind of stuff. But, like, as kittens, they're made to defend themselves very well while. While Mama is out hunting and catching food.
[00:38:08] Speaker C: Man, I'm gonna google this. Now.
[00:38:11] Speaker A: Do baby rattlesnakes have more powerful venom?
[00:38:14] Speaker B: No, you said more concentrated, not more powerful. There's a difference.
[00:38:19] Speaker A: That. That's what that means, marvor. More concentrate equals more power.
See here, I'll fucking.
[00:38:29] Speaker B: I don't understand how that works.
Like, say it again.
[00:38:33] Speaker A: More concentrated equals more power. So if you have, like, a concentrated solution or something, it's more powerful. Like, if you have, like, a higher concentration of alcohol in your beer, guess what? It's more powerful beer.
[00:38:47] Speaker B: Okay, so imagine you're making bleach, right?
The concentration of the bottle says you add this many parts to this much water. Right? If you continue to add more bleach, it's not going to change the power of the concentration. The concentration has reached its max. Adding more bleach is not going to make it more effective. Adding more chlorine, well, just like adding more beyond what's measured doesn't make it better if you're just adding more to the higher concentration.
[00:39:15] Speaker A: Yes, it will, though.
[00:39:16] Speaker B: No, it doesn't make it any more.
[00:39:18] Speaker A: Effective than our baby rattlesnakes have more powerful venom.
[00:39:21] Speaker C: So they actually have a different type of venom? Slightly different. So, like, the venom from adult specimens don't have hemorrhagic and genus activities, but they have a slower show, a higher lethality, and indirect hemolytic activity.
[00:39:47] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:39:48] Speaker A: I mean, rattled rattlesnake venom in general is not deadly if you're a healthy adulthood. If you're a child or an elderly person in bad health. Yes. Pretty much any venom, any bite, anything like that could fucking, you know, put you in a worse path.
[00:40:05] Speaker B: Okay, so humans have less.
[00:40:07] Speaker C: Like, you're in the middle of nowhere, like we were, and it would take a while to get to the hospital.
[00:40:14] Speaker A: Yeah, not from a rattlesnake. You know, like Russell's viper. You know what?
[00:40:19] Speaker B: Okay, so humans have less resistance to snake venom than other species do, but we are better at seeing snakes further off. So because we kind of have that weird trade off. Like, if we couldn't see snakes until they're a little sooner. Our bodies overlaid, would have continued to develop resistance to snake venom, but because we can now see it farther off, we are a lot less resistant to it. As opposed to other animals.
[00:40:48] Speaker A: Well, I mean, like, the honey badger is, like, fucking. They, like, just eat snakes. They love them.
[00:40:54] Speaker B: Yeah, they're badass.
[00:40:58] Speaker A: But, yeah, I mean, like, there's very, you know, few snakes, especially here in the states, that can really do some serious fucking damage. There are, like, they exist. Water, mountains, shit like that. Yes, they can kill you if untreated, can being operative word there.
[00:41:20] Speaker B: They're only gonna strike if you're in their fucking territory, for God's sake. Let it slide on by you. It's fine.
We're living in their world, man.
[00:41:30] Speaker A: My favorite videos of snakes are, like, the ones that are in sanctuaries and shit, and they have to take them out to bathe them and all that.
But, like, the snakes are such assholes. They're like, fuck you. And they try and bite them, and it's like. And then they get bit.
[00:41:48] Speaker B: Anyway, I saw this video of a snake, like, at a store or whatever. Lots of snakes, lots of boxes stacked boxes. And so, like, she's trying to put one of the backs of snakes, and he turns around, like, strike at her. She looks at him, flips him off, and the snake, like, backs back into his. Into his cage like a good snake. And I'm like that. Like, there can be completely accurate communication from body language to body language, from humans to animals. And that right there was beautiful.
[00:42:18] Speaker A: Another video I've seen is, like, this, like, indian dude in, like, a fucking pit of snakes. Like, there's just a shit ton of king cobras all around him.
[00:42:29] Speaker B: Oh, my God. And Eric, can you talk about. I'm so excited.
[00:42:32] Speaker A: And so, like, one rises up to fucking, you know, challenge him. He smacks him on the head and like, damn, you know, good for you. I just, like, imagine, like, it bit him anyway.
[00:42:48] Speaker B: But see, all that is, is understanding body language and then responding on your own. Like, like when, like, scoopadayers are, like, with sharks, and the sharks a little aggressive and they just, like, push it on its nose to be like, no, you go that direction because they're fish and they have to go that one direction before they're able to right themselves. And I was like, yeah, I do the same thing with cats and also.
[00:43:09] Speaker A: Just boop them on the nose and they'll fuck off. Like, nah, I'm all good on that.
[00:43:15] Speaker B: Yeah, so sometimes we have, like, a super aggressive cat and, like, someone will come call me to get into the room because I'm, like, really good with aggressive cats. And I will go in, like, bare handed. Like, I'm just like. I don't bring a towel or anything. Like, I offer my finger. I do kissing noises. I tell them they're good kitties, and then they relax, and then they pull him out, and then they get head kisses. Like, sometimes, like, showing up. Sometimes, like, cows. Cats can, like, see towels and add some up even more. So I always go in bare handed first, and the number of cats that let me handle them bare handed is fucking mind blowing. I'm really good with cats.
[00:43:51] Speaker A: I feel like I could just, like, do this job. Like, just go in and, like. Cause, like, I see a cat on the street, and I'm just picking up. I'm like, oh, look, this is my cat now. You know, we're having tacos and just, like, walk away with it, you know, like. Like, there's this cat, orangey. He loves me. You know, like.
Like, we. I. We walk past his lot, like, you know, on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I see him. I might even bring, like, a little, like, treats or something.
[00:44:24] Speaker B: Treats are good things.
[00:44:27] Speaker A: But, you know, these cats are fed. They're, you know, healthy. Bathe. They have collars. You know, they stay in the house that's right there. So, like, they're. They're not far away, but, like, they come out and they're very sociable, and I can just pick them up.
You know? I feel like if I was, like, at the vet, like, I could, like, pick up someone's cat and be like, yeah, they're fine.
Like, they can tell who's a doctor because you smell like alcohol.
[00:44:53] Speaker B: Mm hmm. White jacket syndrome.
That's why we use gabapentin. Like, kitties who get, like, stressed out, we're like, mmm, come back on gabapentin. It's the tits. Yeah, no, it's so good. Like, relax. Like, so, like, slow. Like, very. Like, my body is heavy. Like super drunk cats. And gabapentin is great. It's so much better than being so scared in a room. They're hissing and scratching.
[00:45:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, when I'm in a fucking doctor's office, I'm like, I node. But I feel like if I came in and just, like, you know, played with the cat, like, you know, just someone that, you know, is there not to do any medical, you know, procedures, but just there to, like, play with the cat and get them comfortable in their new environment, and it's like, oh, okay. This is fine.
[00:45:39] Speaker B: We work so hard. We have, like, feel away in our rooms and, like, we. And, like, I'm trying to talk Danny into letting us play cat soothing music in the rooms. Like, she's not quite sold on it yet, but I really want to get that going.
[00:45:51] Speaker A: But, like, what is cat soothing music?
[00:45:54] Speaker B: So there's playlists on Spotify, but there's also cat dreamers, the cd collection, but. So it plays, like, animal noises, but also it plays a frequency that kitties purr at. And it moves up and down on the levels of the frequency and supposedly supposed to help, like, kitties relax. I've, like, I always do that, like, during, like, fireworks and stuff for the kitties. And it does make a difference. Like, they're just working on frequencies that cats can hear, that sometimes humans can't hear. So it's kind of like this weird, like, up and down kind of like opera voice, but, like, in a cat purring noise. And there's always, like, little, like, fish or not fish, like birds chirping or that kind of stuff, like mouse squeaks. Like, it's really cool.
It works.
It does. It works. I'm trying to talk Danny into it.
It works.
[00:46:46] Speaker A: Seems like some crystal bullshit.
[00:46:48] Speaker B: Shut up. Okay, you know what? Fuck you. I asked all my co workers if. Okay, no, you start this.
[00:46:54] Speaker A: Okay, so the other week we went to the mall.
We might have talked about this on the last podcast.
Maybe, maybe not. But we went to the mall, just like, kind of go around. There's a hot pot restaurant. We had a good time.
And as we're walking by, like, this marijuana shop, the dude that's running it, he goes by the professor, you know, fucking quirky ass dude. You know, he kind of, you know, calls out to us.
You know, he was the only one that did. There's tons of other people, like, sitting by the front door, you know, just looking angry, but he, you know, had a friendly demeanor. It's like, hey, man, you know, you know, like, I know my own kind, you know, come on over here.
[00:47:38] Speaker B: Just.
[00:47:38] Speaker A: No pressure. Just come on, check out the shop. And, you know, just start talking.
And I'm like, all right. You know, you fucking put himself out there. You know, he was the only one. Fuck it. Let's go check this shit out. And, you know, he looks at my wife, is like, I know the crystal bitches. I see the crystal bitches. Didn't say it like that. Like, as rude as I did, but, you know, pretty much like, yeah, I know my own kind. I'm like, I haven't smoked weed in a decade of.
But, yeah, I'm like, I have a CDL. Sorry, bud. You know, the government, you know, wants to make sure that I'm a good boy.
And he's like, oh, man. Yeah. And like, they. Everyone does the same song and dance every time they hear I'm a truck driver. I appreciate the truck. Like, they treat me like I'm a troop. Like, they treat me like I'm in the military. I'm like, I'm not in the military, dude.
[00:48:29] Speaker B: Like, you're serving a more important purpose.
[00:48:32] Speaker A: Thank you for your service, sir. You know, I'm like, I'm going through. I'm like, oh, yeah, I used to do that. Oh, yeah, look, the zigzags. And, you know, my. My wife ended up buying, like, a. A wind chime from there and a coloring and a coloring book.
So he did get some, you know, and he was talking, you know, being, you know, sociable. I'm like, yeah, that's what it takes. A little bit of customer service.
[00:48:59] Speaker B: So what I like, because I was looking at the wind chimes on the wall, and I wasn't quite sure I wanted them, but I really wanted a wind chime, and so I asked for it, and he's like, oh, wait. And pulls out the wind chime you bought me. And I was like, oh, my God, that one's so much better.
Like, he did get me on that frequency, but I am not a crystal bitch, so.
[00:49:19] Speaker A: But, yeah, he called her out. I'm like, yeah. I'm like, I told my wife, I'm like, I can see you being into crystals.
[00:49:25] Speaker B: Why?
[00:49:26] Speaker A: Because the pink hair.
[00:49:28] Speaker B: I believe in science.
[00:49:30] Speaker A: Yeah, it's fine.
[00:49:31] Speaker B: No, I I don't want to be perceived as someone who believes in crystals.
[00:49:37] Speaker A: You know, healing frequencies that you were just talking about.
[00:49:40] Speaker B: Oh, my God. We were just talking about it. But in cats, it's different. In animals. I refuse to be seduced by that as my own kind.
[00:49:46] Speaker A: It's embarrassing, but, yeah, I'm like, I can definitely tell that you are, you know, one of these. You could be like, Courtney, do you.
[00:49:57] Speaker B: Think I'm the kind of person who would be into crystals.
[00:50:04] Speaker C: Sometimes?
[00:50:05] Speaker B: Courtney? No, it's not fair. It's not fair. I don't want to come across as some bitch who likes crystals.
[00:50:12] Speaker A: Don't you have, like, a crystal tree on your fucking island?
[00:50:17] Speaker B: I do have a tree with a. That mimics cherry blossoms made out of quartz.
[00:50:23] Speaker A: Quartz is a.
I also have a.
[00:50:27] Speaker B: I also have two marble kitties sitting under my cherry tree in our bedroom?
[00:50:32] Speaker A: Yes. No crystals? No.
Me, no. Not so much.
[00:50:38] Speaker B: You know what? It's dreadful because I always go to the rock and gem shows, too. I'm just in self denial.
[00:50:43] Speaker A: You are in self denial. You are in the God fucking.
[00:50:47] Speaker B: Can I be like a yemenite? Like a rock. Not like crystal, specifically.
[00:50:52] Speaker A: Like, she's like, I want to be a rock and roll bitch.
Like, rocks and bread rolls. Please bring all that shit to me. Hell, yeah. Bread rolls from little caesars, though. Like. Like the little fucking cheesy ones.
Yeah. You are my God.
[00:51:15] Speaker B: Also have a secret collection of my favorite rocks. Okay, this is bad.
[00:51:19] Speaker A: Mmm.
[00:51:20] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:51:21] Speaker A: Yeah, you're just in denial. It's fine.
[00:51:23] Speaker B: I don't want to accept this, but I'm gonna have to, huh?
[00:51:26] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm a Republican.
[00:51:28] Speaker B: Gonna be a rough journey.
[00:51:31] Speaker A: I mean, like, as long as you don't fucking, like, lean into it and have, like, a himalayan salt lamp.
[00:51:36] Speaker B: That noise, I don't want the cats licking it and getting sick.
[00:51:41] Speaker A: My favorite fucking story that I saw on the himalayan salt lamp.
[00:51:44] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Please tell me what you're about to.
[00:51:46] Speaker A: Say is there's this lady that's like, I got it and it disappeared. And, like, the customer service person's like, what do you mean it disappeared? She's like, well, it was getting dirty, so I took it and I put it in the dishwasher, and it disappeared.
Can you, like, help me?
And they're like, man, it was salt. It was a salt lamp. It dissolved in the hot water.
[00:52:17] Speaker B: Who puts their lampshade in a washing machine in a dishwasher?
[00:52:21] Speaker A: It's just a. It's a fucking salt rock. It has a light in it.
[00:52:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:52:26] Speaker A: And I'm like, yeah, that anything that you can buy at Home Depot is not a fucking spiritual thing. Like, if you can buy a himalayan salt lamp at Home Depot or Walmart, knock it off. You know, that's full of shit.
You know, if you like crystals, if you enjoy how they're formed and all that, sure, go ahead and do whatever you want to do. I'm not, you know, here to, you know, put you down or disparage against you. Enjoy what you want to enjoy. It does not affect me at all.
Like, if you enjoy putting light bulbs in your butt and making them explode, fine, go for it. As long as it doesn't hurt me or children in general, like that. That's my rules. As long as it doesn't hurt me, the planet earth, or children, you know, at all. Go ahead and do whatever the fuck you want to do.
[00:53:22] Speaker B: I don't want to be a crystal bitch.
[00:53:25] Speaker A: It's going to be the name of this episode. Crystal bitch.
Like, censored, I think. I don't even know. I'm probably uncensored. Fuck it. Crystal bitch.
You know this episode. My wife's crystal. How much time have we done?
[00:53:42] Speaker B: I don't know, but I have to pee soon.
[00:53:44] Speaker A: 53.
Yeah, 53 minutes. All right, well, fuck all the news stories.
Let's go over them really quick. California firefighter was arrested for allegedly starting five wildfires. Yeah, go fucking figure.
[00:53:59] Speaker B: Respect.
[00:54:00] Speaker A: California. A man in Florida was out on the street despite 49 felony arrests. He got fucking convicted for like, 30 of them. Fucking put people in jail.
A Florida dad chases a fucking peeping Tom that was peeping on his daughter, chases him with a bat.
They have it on fucking video. And he's like, you know the dude that's getting beaten with the bad to call the police and you know, he's getting the shit beaten out of him.
A North Carolina hospital company forgives the debt of about 12,000 people after NBC News report.
Don't know why, because I didn't actually fucking read it.
[00:54:45] Speaker B: See, this is what reporters are supposed to do.
[00:54:48] Speaker A: I'm. Less than a week after NBC News detailed how the hospital system, atrium Health of North Carolina aggressively pursued former patients medical debts, placing liens in their homes to collect hospital bills.
[00:55:01] Speaker B: What?
[00:55:03] Speaker A: The nonprofit company announced it would cancel those obligations and forgive the unpaid debts associated with them. Good for you. You're a dick, but you found your heart.
Family was told to change the name Skywalker or seek Disney's permission. His middle name was Skywalker. He tried to get a passport to go to another country.
He was, you know, british, and he was born on May 4.
[00:55:29] Speaker B: So that's amazing.
[00:55:32] Speaker A: His middle name was Skywalker. His first name was Loki.
And, you know, he wanted to fucking go to the Dominican Republic. Well, he was. He's a child. He's like five years old. Want to go to the Dominican Republic. They tried to get him a passport, and they're like, hey, you can't, because the middle name is Skywalker, and we can't print that without Disney's permission.
[00:55:54] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:55:56] Speaker A: A lost cat makes a journey from Yellowstone to California.
So, yeah, there's a little cat. They fucking went on a great adventure. Fucking made it all the way home.
[00:56:08] Speaker B: Was it d two? A microchip?
[00:56:10] Speaker A: No, I think it fucking, like, went all the way through. I didn't. I don't read the story. We can read it later, after the podcast.
[00:56:15] Speaker B: Microchips probably.
[00:56:21] Speaker A: And you know, we'll go over these stories really quick. Marty. Bitch tits. Am I the asshole for suggesting that my hookup went to a doctor about her vagina? Oh, not safe for work. I really don't think I've done anything wrong here, but I'll give a little backstory. I've been getting together with this girl on and off for about ten years. While we were starting our latest tryst the other night, we went for some foreplay. I was feeling around down there and I noticed some concerning lumps. The lumps were pretty far inside and I was concerned she wouldn't have gone in that far herself. With my own fingers. I made a mental note to mention her when we finished. So when I was talking to her, I mentioned what I had felt and said that she should go get it checked out. This is when she got really defensive and started accusing me of things. She said just because we were together occasionally she doesn't give me the. Doesn't give me the right to talk about that stuff. I think she was also assuming I was calling her unclean or something, which is absolutely not the case. In fact, it's the complete opposite. I was just worried for her health, especially after recently losing my mother to cancer in a very similar circumstances. Did you feel your mom's pussy? That's weird. So I said, it's better to be safe than sorry. But I, you know, it didn't go down as well as I thought. And she left. She usually stays for the night and we have breakfast together. I admit it was a very blunt thing to say right after having sex, but I don't know when else to bring it up. Am I the asshole?
[00:57:57] Speaker B: Okay, the worst thing that can possible when you're at the doctor is that they tell you you're okay. That's the worst thing that can happen. And being told you're okay is perfectly okay.
But yeah, no, if he haven't felt. If he hasn't felt it before, and his mom literally just died of cancer, he's allowed to be like, oh shit, is that cancer?
[00:58:18] Speaker A: Edit for more details. One, yes, she knew I was talking about cancer. Number two, yes, she knows about my mother. She was at her funeral.
[00:58:27] Speaker B: What the.
[00:58:27] Speaker A: Yes, we use protection. We always do.
I have messenger and explained my feelings on the matter. Mostly that there's no judgment on my part. It was only after my mother's experience. I wanted to make sure that she was always aware of lumps five.
She hasn't told me if she's been to the doctor or has previously known about the lumps? Because why the hell would she? Her medical treatments are none of my damn business. Six. She's still upset with me. I messaged her yesterday asking me to talk. She blew me off.
Seven.
I could have waited for breakfast or brunch. Yes.
Eight. It was more.
I was more interested in the woman's perspective. Written replies to this post I didn't know as some sort of male faux pas.
I mean, if you feel a lump, you feel lump.
Nine. The lumps are small, about the size, half the size of a pea, and hard. They were not on the cervix.
I know her body very well, and this is not something that was there before. Hence my concern.
Twelve. No, I've never fingered my mom, alive or dead.
Thank God you fuck. Hedeh heard me from the future.
Jesus Christ, dude, you're a legend.
[00:59:56] Speaker B: Okay, so one time I was expressing a dog's anal glands, and you have to put your finger up your butt to do it from the inside. And one time I was doing it, and I felt like a weird, hard lump. And I was like, what the fuck is that? I had the doctor check, and she was like, what the fuck is that? And so the next day they went to internal medicine, and they were like, oh, shit.
It was like the beginning of a cancerous tumor. So, like, went to surgery and I took it out and, like, the dog was fine. But, like, the only reason we know that I was caught that early is because I was the one who caught. Because, like, as a tech, usually we do angle instead of the doctor. So, like, as a tech, I did my job. I felt something weird. My doctor felt something weird. It was cancer. They got rid of it in time, and the dog was fine. They sent me a. Like, afterwards, the owner sent me a gift card of, like, a very nice. Yeah. I was like, oh, my God. Thank you.
[01:00:47] Speaker A: So, Courtney, like, what. What is your thoughts on this?
[01:00:55] Speaker C: I think it's totally fine. I mean, like, quite honestly, I actually read it earlier today. And, like, who else is gonna know your body than the partner that you're with?
[01:01:06] Speaker B: Exactly.
[01:01:07] Speaker C: Who's as? I'm. I'm probably not gonna check my boobs as much unless I'm really thinking about it. And, like, if you're already fondling my boobs or my vagina and you feel a bump, then, yeah, I kind of want to know about it.
[01:01:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
For real.
[01:01:25] Speaker C: If it's not, it wasn't there before.
[01:01:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
No, he did the right thing. She was weird for freaking out about it.
[01:01:34] Speaker C: Yeah. Maybe not right after sex, but, like, later, but at the same time, like, I don't think it's that serious. That was just freaking out like that. She is the freaking weirdo.
[01:01:51] Speaker A: Yeah, like, it would be a faux pas. Like, after you're done fucking, you're like, hey, do you have herpes like that? Like, don't do that.
Like, ask all the questions before.
[01:02:02] Speaker C: If I suspected someone had herpes, that wouldn't even be before. Like, during set. Like, we stopped immediately.
[01:02:12] Speaker A: I mean, like. Like, if I felt something weird, I think I would, like, bring it up, like, right away. Like, as I'm feeling, I'm like, what's that?
[01:02:21] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, I do 100%, fully count on you on that.
Like, I know you would know if you felt something different in my titty, and I would not notice. I just feel like.
[01:02:35] Speaker A: So, yeah, opie, I don't think you did anything wrong here.
Maybe, you know, wait a little bit, you know, or mention it in the moment.
Don't, you know, get your fucking rocks off. Don't come. And then back. Oh, bt dubs, you know, you have. You might be dying of cancer, but as long as I got to come, you know, we're fine. I think, like, that, you know, if you prevented your cum to, like, I think it.
[01:03:11] Speaker C: I don't think I'd mind if someone would wait.
I mean, still had, you know, I'd want to have fun first.
[01:03:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
But now on to relationship advice.
By throwaway broccoli mistakenly called the cops on my 27 female boyfriend at 29 male when he had planned a surprise proposal. Now things between us are strain. Am I able to fix this?
We've been together for seven years. We moved in together after two weeks, adopted a dog and a couple of cats, opened a joint bank account, many children's families merged our friends into one tribe. And it's been a really good. It's been really. It's been seven really good years. I'm happy I'm not one of those people that need to be married. I don't need a ring, a ceremony, or a piece of paper to commit my life to the one person I've loved beyond all others. What a good lady I am.
I am his holy and completely.
I feel like you spell holy wrong. This isn't easy to say I'm against marriage.
This isn't to say I'm against marriage, because I'm not. But getting a ring on my finger is not a priority for me.
When I have thought about it, I imagine a small wedding with our parents, maybe our siblings, and the officiant of barefoot on the beach. No fuss, nothing elaborate. Something simple we can throw together ourselves, then be off to a place that we could relax and eat and drink without the formalities. If I had a dream wedding, it would be that or something similar.
Back in July, my boyfriend was acting cagey. I knew he was up to something and trying to hide it. He's now good at trying to keep something under wraps. He's one of those people, even if.
Even though they don't say anything, act like they have a secret.
I wasn't worried about his secret because I knew he'd tell me eventually. I was thinking he was going to surprise me with a weekend getaway because we've been working long hours for a couple months and that's the kind of thing he does.
One night, I arrived home from work and his car wasn't in the drive. The house was dark and the front door was wide open.
I sat on the street watching our house for a couple minutes. There was no movement, no lights in the windows, nothing. I called my boyfriend four times. No answer. This wasn't like him. One missed call. Sure. Four missed calls. No. So I called the cops. I was still on the phone with emergency services when they arrived. They came over to me, gave me a rundown on what I knew, which was pretty much nothing. Then they went into the house. A few minutes later, one of them came out and asked me to go in with them. They led me through the house to the back pod back patio.
I had flipped the lights on as I entered and saw a trail of rose petals that went out the back where my boyfriend was wearing a tux with handcuffs, sitting on a patio table that was beautifully set for dinner. It gives it without saying that the surprise proposal was ruined.
It had been seven weeks since, and things are not good between us. It was a simple misunderstanding on my part. My boyfriend thinks I called the cops because I knew he was going to propose. He thinks I don't want to marry him. But instead of saying that, I found a way to make sure that he wouldn't have to. We have discussed us getting married exactly once, and that was in our first year of being together. I remember the conversation word for word because there's only a handful of words.
Him. Would you wear my ring? Me? Yeah, him. Win me. Surprised me. That was the extent of her discussion about marriage. I don't know how I was supposed to know he was gonna ask five weeks ago from a half assed conversation some six years ago. I know, I heard him and I apologize for doing so. He refuses to see how I came, how it came about, and I called the cops. I went to his parents that night because he was upset.
Then he came an hour later because he thought it was hilarious. Everyone tells me it's funny.
He is the one telling people before this post, I have not said anything to anyone because I know it upsets him.
I don't know what to do. He doesn't believe that it was a huge misunderstanding. Am I missing something? Did I break trust or harm him in some way that I'm just not getting? How do I approach this? At this point, I'm thinking about proposing to him so we can just move on from this.
[01:08:03] Speaker B: Oh, that'd be the perfect thing to do.
[01:08:07] Speaker C: I don't know. This sounds so stupid.
[01:08:10] Speaker B: I'm okay. You know what? Yeah, you're right. He is kind of being a little bitch about it.
[01:08:15] Speaker A: Like, dude, like, man, sir, it was creepy.
[01:08:21] Speaker B: His car wasn't in there. The door was wide open, lights were off. Quite honestly, I might have called the cops. If I came to the house and.
[01:08:27] Speaker C: Looked like that, I would have called the cops.
[01:08:31] Speaker B: Okay. Yeah.
[01:08:33] Speaker A: So, yeah, from your perspective, yes, it does seem dodgy.
But for me, the front door is like wide open. I'm like.
And I get to go in and shoot somebody.
[01:08:47] Speaker B: Exactly. It's creepy.
[01:08:49] Speaker A: But yeah, for women, you know, like my wife, she's like, I don't want to hold a gun.
[01:08:55] Speaker B: No, I don't.
[01:08:58] Speaker A: You know, unlike berettas, you can't like, limp wrist. It neither.
[01:09:01] Speaker B: I want comments.
[01:09:03] Speaker A: Let's see what the comments say. And then in this podcast, why in the world would he leave the front door open?
[01:09:10] Speaker B: Thank you.
[01:09:12] Speaker A: He thought I would see the rose petals when I approached. It didn't occur to him that I would find a dark house or the door wide open worrying.
Honestly, I think it'd be a hilarious story. And if I was a boyfriend, I'd be laughing about it.
[01:09:28] Speaker B: Yeah, that would be the correct response.
[01:09:35] Speaker A: Not gonna lie, I was kind of prepared to read something silly. But what the heck? Have you tried reversing the example? What if you came home and it was dark out, the front door is wide open with seemingly no one at home, and you couldn't get a hold of me? Wouldn't you be worried that there's a home evasion? That's what I thought happened.
And the fact that he's upset about this blaming you is very weird.
[01:09:58] Speaker B: It is weird. Yeah.
[01:09:59] Speaker A: He was embarrassed. He was embarrassed that the fucking cops came and he was, what? Handcuffed?
[01:10:05] Speaker B: Yeah, the handcuffed parf does make it worse.
[01:10:07] Speaker A: He might have been naked, too.
[01:10:09] Speaker B: Oh, my. Oh. Oh, shit. What?
[01:10:11] Speaker A: If he was naked, he was wearing the tuxed.
[01:10:15] Speaker B: I know, but it would have been so much worse if you were naked waiting for your so. To show up and the boyfriend was.
[01:10:22] Speaker A: Wearing a tux and handcuffs sitting on a patio table that was set beautifully for dinner. But, like, if his penis. Like, why were you wearing handcuffs? My guy, handcuffs are the best. But the handcuffs to make me think that his penis was out or something like that.
[01:10:38] Speaker B: Yeah, it does imply more.
[01:10:40] Speaker A: And so, you know, he was embarrassed that a fucking cop saw him, you know, with his penis out. Like, if. You know, like, if you're handcuffed and, like, the fire department comes and, like, you're naked in bed and it's like, ah.
It's like the fire department has seen way crazier shit than that, trust me.
But yeah, yeah. Just fucking proposed to him. Or do it in some really creepy way.
Like, have, like, a bunch your friends, you know, rent a white van, pull up and kidnap you. And when he, like, chases you and catches them, you know, he, like, opens the back door to be a hero, and you're sitting there on a knee and just be like, will you marry me?
And he's like, fucking racing with adrenaline. Cops are coming and, like, what?
It's like, that's the insane shit you put me through, idiot, and just do that.
[01:11:42] Speaker C: Well, guys, I gotta go.
[01:11:44] Speaker A: Yep, that. That's the end of the podcast. Thank you all so much for being here. We'll be back next week. Follow me. Instagram, Alex, the truck. I don't give a shit.
Whatever. Bye, losers. Bye.
