You Messed Up

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Human Podcast. We're back at it. Another week in the saddle, living life, doing comedy. And, yeah, I don't want to fucking have to give you animals more ammunition to ever use against me. So I plan to never miss a week again. That way, you don't get free comedy bits that I have to do or free comedy bits I've recorded. [00:00:33] Speaker B: Oh, is that what you did? What did you do for the episode? [00:00:37] Speaker A: So, at the end of the episode, I took one of the salad or bust bits that I did, just like I did the entire thing, extracted the audio from the video, and put it out. Oh, my. Yeah, then I'll probably put the entire thing up on Instagram as well. That way I can start building that shit out, too. But right now, currently, I am making karaoke songs for one of my friends for his Christmas present. So I have two songs to do. And the one thing you don't think about is you have to go word by word to light up each fucking word. So when you go and look at it like a karaoke song and each of the words light up, someone is doing that manually. I'm sure there's an AI program somewhere out there that can kind of get you close, and then you just have to kind of fix it. But in Adobe? Yeah, you just have to do it word by word, and it kind of fucking sucks. It's worth fucking not having to spend, like, $20 on a Christmas present. What? [00:02:13] Speaker C: Nothing. [00:02:15] Speaker A: My wife never fucking does karaoke. She's scared. [00:02:18] Speaker C: I don't know any songs. [00:02:21] Speaker A: That's why the words are there. They're up on the screen. Trust me. I've watched people just speak a song, and it is the worst thing ever. They'll just monotone read it like it's a fucking book. Oh. [00:02:41] Speaker C: If you don't know what the lyrics. [00:02:42] Speaker A: Are, they'll be, like, sitting up there. Oh, my God, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guy's girlfriends, but I don't know. They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute. I mean, her butt, it's just so big. It's so round. It's, like, out there. I mean, look gross. And they just go from there. I'm like, tHere's part of me that wants to do that song and then pretend I don't know it. And then the second Sir Mixalot comes in, I like big butts, and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't dead. And there's no white people in Durango where I do karaoke at all. I'm sure there's karaoke places on. So, Courtney, do you ever do karaoke? [00:03:49] Speaker B: No. I've done it a few times, but not like I did it more when I was a kid and I had a karaoke machine and we just messed around with it. [00:04:00] Speaker A: Oh, no. Like, in front of strangers? [00:04:03] Speaker B: No, I've done that, like, twice. [00:04:04] Speaker A: And no, I don't know. I get the apprehensive fear of it, but once you do it, you're like, I don't care what these people think. [00:04:21] Speaker B: I want to do, like, a karaoke booth where a bunch of my friends and family, we can all do it or something like that at home or something, not in front of people, because I end up getting words wrong and. [00:04:34] Speaker A: Stuff and not remembering one of my favorites. So this last week at karaoke was Emo Night. And so it was fucking do like, the emo songs. Like the one about some black parade or something. I don't know emo songs, so I seem like an asshole to these people. They're like, you're just pretending not to know. I'm like, I really don't know emo songs. I know country songs. I know fucking Backstreet Boys. I know NSYNC. I know all this other fucking poppy shit. But Emo, I had nothing to be sad about growing up, so I just didn't have that. I had, like, slipknot, Metallica, five finger death Punch. [00:05:23] Speaker C: Oh, I thought Slipknot was Emo. [00:05:26] Speaker A: No, it's metal. [00:05:31] Speaker C: Isn't emo a type of metal? [00:05:33] Speaker A: No, it's not. Like, emo is like, my dad left me and I'm sad. Boy. [00:05:44] Speaker C: I assumed it was some subtype of metal based on the instruments used. [00:05:49] Speaker A: Yeah, there is one. Like, the Black Parade is the one I'm referring to. And it starts off, it's like, when I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a march. It's like, what the fuck? [00:06:07] Speaker B: Oh, God, please stop. [00:06:08] Speaker A: I know it was worse than that. And so I'm like, okay, I'm not going to allow the karaoke person to give me any fucking songs. I will forego all free shots for the night to ruin the night. And that's exactly what the fuck I did. I came in with, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. And these people are all fucking clapping their hands and stomping their feet and nodding their head and having a good time. I did. Everything is awesome. From the Lego Movie, and I did Michael Buble fucking. What's that famous Michael Buble song. Goddamn. Why can't I remember it? I feel good. Or feeling good. Yeah, that's just, you know, flipped the script on the entire night, and Tabby was like, I love that. That was great. I'm like, yeah, I did, too, because it destroyed what you're trying to do. [00:07:19] Speaker C: You could have done Baby shark. [00:07:21] Speaker A: Oh, no, that's Shelby's song. I cannot take away Baby Shark. She has a costume for it. She has a shark onesie. And she'll come out and dance and sing Baby Shark. Grandma Shark. Yeah, I do know that song, too. [00:07:43] Speaker C: It's my CPR song. [00:07:45] Speaker A: Yeah. The amount of songs I know I'll do Dancing Queen, I'll do its reigning men. I don't care. I'll do it all. But don't give me some emo shit. I'm not sad. [00:07:58] Speaker C: Emo just sounds nice, though. It's all these gritty, flat notes. It's nice. [00:08:04] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, my friend Jasmine was there, and every song she's saying, I'm like, I have no idea what this song is. I'm like, I am terribly sorry. Like, bloodhound Gang? Fuck, yeah, I can do some bloodhound gang. And you think you know the bad touch. Put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you feel nuts. You think you know that song really fucking well, and you do until you sing it on karaoke and you're like, holy fuck. These guys go fast, and you trip up on words and your mouth goes dry. Are you over there mouthing the words? [00:08:53] Speaker C: Yeah, I've gotten to battleship. [00:08:56] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, it exists on karaoke, so it's still fun to do. [00:09:02] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. [00:09:04] Speaker A: What? [00:09:07] Speaker B: Battleship? [00:09:08] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:09:09] Speaker B: I think that's one of the ones that I tried to sing once and I don't know. [00:09:15] Speaker A: Yeah, I've three times. Usually on normal nights, I'll be like, yeah, go ahead and fucking roulette me. Give me a free shot. And then if it's like a night, I'm like, I Don't feel comfortable with you releting. Cause, like, I had my friend Jason, and he would relent me something that he's like, he knows the song. He absolutely knows the song. And it's going to be embarrassing for him. It's like, no, not at all. I'll duet Barbie Girl. When the Barbie movie came out, we were doing Barbie Girl, like, every fucking time. What? [00:10:06] Speaker C: I'm so sorry. [00:10:07] Speaker A: What? [00:10:07] Speaker C: Goose has some poop stuck to his tail. [00:10:09] Speaker B: I got to go clean it up. [00:10:10] Speaker A: Okay, well, I'll continue sitting over here talking about this bullshit. And also this week was one of my friends, last week's, one of my comedian friends here in the Springs, last week's. And he is moving away to Washington. Yeah, you can make him lick it out. You can make him lick his shit out of his tail with his tongue. And he won't do that again. So my friend Trenton's last show, one of his last shows, and so he sent him out with a roast. But I had to go first because my boss wanted me at work this morning. [00:11:03] Speaker C: Okay, that was stupid. [00:11:04] Speaker A: At, like, fucking 07:00 a.m. So I had to get up at six because we got a shitload of snow out here. And I had to scrape down the car. And it's like, a bunch of people just like, hey, I'm fucking sick with COVID Hey, I'm going to be late. And there's a shitload of late people. And then he didn't show any new information. This could have all been a fucking postit note on my steering wheel. I'm like, why the fuck are you wasting my time with this bullshit? I could have fucking been out late as fuck last night. Got home, got drunk. It'd been a great fucking time. But no, my boss wants to play dumb, and I know he won't ever hear this because he doesn't fucking listen to podcasts. [00:11:56] Speaker B: Wait, what do you do? [00:11:59] Speaker A: He fucking wasted my goddamn time. [00:12:04] Speaker C: I'm sorry. Your work meetings aren't productive? [00:12:06] Speaker A: Not at all. Every fucking time I get there, and it's like, oh, yeah, we're going to fucking take people outside and show them how to put on chains, fucking give them real fucking information, have them learn some shit. And they're like, no, I'm just, like, watching my company fucking circle the drain. And so I need to hop out before it gets too bad. [00:12:37] Speaker C: Yep. [00:12:40] Speaker A: But we do got fucking stories, so where's my mouse? And we're going to start off with some fucking awesome shit, I guess. McDonald's is opening a new chain called Cosmics, and I guess it's just like a fucking coffee shop. [00:13:03] Speaker C: No way. [00:13:04] Speaker A: Yeah, coffee and other drinks. [00:13:06] Speaker C: That's so. [00:13:07] Speaker A: And it's a challenge to Starbucks and Duncan. [00:13:11] Speaker C: Good luck. [00:13:12] Speaker A: It's McDonald's. They don't need luck. They don't imagine, like, hey, you can go to Starbucks, spend $8 on a coffee, or go to cosmics and spend $2 on that same coffee and order it through the fucking app. I don't know. If Starbucks has an app, they must have an app. [00:13:36] Speaker C: I know. Dutch brothers doesn't. Fuckers. [00:13:39] Speaker A: Dutch brothers is, like, just a step away from the bikini booths. [00:13:45] Speaker C: I know. [00:13:46] Speaker A: I love how those came and went. [00:13:50] Speaker C: Their dark chocolate cocoa is so good, though. [00:13:54] Speaker A: I've never been to a Dutch brothers ever. [00:13:57] Speaker C: Their hot chocolate's good. [00:14:00] Speaker A: I don't know why people like Dutch brothers so fucking much. [00:14:03] Speaker C: There's caramel sauce. [00:14:05] Speaker A: You can get caramel sauce at home. Everything that you can get. Like, Courtney, you're a lover of coffee, I assume. Do you get Dutch brothers or do you get Starbucks? [00:14:20] Speaker B: I got. [00:14:23] Speaker A: You know, I guarantee you a cosmic isn't going to come to your location, but if you had a cosmics down the road here in, like, five years, would you go to that over Starbucks or Dutch brothers? [00:14:36] Speaker B: I have no idea what cosmics is. [00:14:39] Speaker A: It's a McDonald's based fucking coffee shop. [00:14:48] Speaker B: Probably not, because quite honestly, I'm not getting my coffee or anything, really, from Starbucks right now. I'm getting it from this place called Juice it up. [00:14:58] Speaker C: And. [00:15:01] Speaker B: It'S a really cool drink. It's got peanut butter, chocolate, and coffee in it. [00:15:11] Speaker A: This seems like shit you can just make at home. [00:15:14] Speaker B: I do. I make it at home a lot, but then sometimes I just order it. [00:15:22] Speaker A: See, I'll make bad, poor decisions if I'm fucked up, if I'm drunk or fucked and blitzed out of my mind, I'm like, I need to get food in me, but I don't know how to make food right now. Someone bring me food, and Then I'll sit out there for, like, 15 minutes. I'm like, oh, yeah, food. You okay, babe? What are you doing? [00:15:53] Speaker C: What do you mean, what am I doing? [00:15:54] Speaker A: You're, like, over there, like, not paying attention. [00:15:56] Speaker C: I am paying attention. When I have something to say, I will add it. [00:16:00] Speaker A: Okay, fine. I know my wife would never go to cosmics. [00:16:05] Speaker C: No. [00:16:08] Speaker A: But I saw this story, and I thought of my wife immediately. Woman who assaulted Chipotle worker sentenced to fast food job for two months. [00:16:18] Speaker C: That's hilarious. [00:16:21] Speaker A: So an Ohio woman who is convicted of assaulting of assault for hurling a burrito bowl at a Chipotle worker was offered an unusual way to reduce her time in jail. A judge ordered. Rosemary Hayne, 39 years old. Jesus Christ. Must work at a fast food job for two months. Haynes was captured in a viral video screaming at a Chipotle employee before throwing her food in the worker's face first. She was slated to pay a fine and serve 180 days in jail with 90 days suspended that's some dumb bullshit. Don't assault people for a burrito bowl in a face. Knock it off. You didn't get the burrito bowl the way you liked it, and this is how you respond? Judge Timothy Gilligan told Hayne at the sentencing. [00:17:20] Speaker C: What was the judge's name? [00:17:22] Speaker A: Judge Timothy Gilligan. [00:17:25] Speaker C: That's amazing. [00:17:30] Speaker A: Judge Gilligan told Haney to cut 60 days off the time in jail if she agreed to work at least 20 hours per week at the fast food restaurant for two months. I feel like this is a good fucking thing. All in all, this is the shit. [00:17:48] Speaker C: This is my sonic thing. Supposed to work, in my opinion, because. [00:17:51] Speaker A: Now she's going to have to just deal with this bullshit, and she's going to get, like, two weeks into fast food and be like, take me to jail for the rest of the time. I don't care. [00:18:00] Speaker C: Yeah, totes. [00:18:02] Speaker A: Like, I'm already going to lose fucking everything in the month. I'm going to be in jail. Might as well fucking go. Bullets, the wall. Burn it all. There's definitely days that I worked fast food, and I'm like, I can't wait to get out of here. This is like jail. This woman's going to be sitting there working two months only to fucking leave and have to go serve the last 30 days in jail, and then get out of jail with nothing to have to go back and work at that restaurant because no one else will hire her. [00:18:47] Speaker C: Oh, of course not. [00:18:54] Speaker A: Oh, no. It was a 17 year old employee. That food was hot and burned her face. Well, that's what you get for giving an angry woman a hot Burrito bowl. You deserve it. Someone has raised 7200 for the victim. [00:19:21] Speaker C: Oh, good. [00:19:23] Speaker A: That's ridiculous. Emily Russell was a victim. She told the court that she had been traumatized by the incident and had quit her job at Chipotle since. [00:19:34] Speaker C: I mean, I don't blame her. [00:19:36] Speaker A: Yeah, fucking get out of fucking fast food, okay? If you want to work in the food industry, that's fine. Go work at a real restaurant. You'll get better tips like. Courtney, did you work fast food ever? [00:19:55] Speaker B: No, not really. But I worked at a burger joint that we did. Togos. But, I mean, it was like a restaurant. [00:20:07] Speaker A: Yeah, I've worked at Fast Food, and people treat you like garbage, like subhuman shit. And they're like, bring me my cheap food. I'm like, these cheap assholes treat you like the fucking worst. And what's worse is the rich people that you deliver to, the people that order, like, $3,000. Worth of food will give you like, a $50 tip. I'm like, you should go to jail for that. You're a piece of shit, honestly. [00:20:39] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:20:42] Speaker A: Just know that we don't forget, and you pretty much have to now wait two years before ever ordering again. Anybody at this restaurant or anybody at this fucking building that orders from us, they're going to get fucking shafted. It's like, oh, look, I ordered this, and I want napkins. Where's my napkins? Where's my straw? Oh, I guess I forgot it. Go fuck yourself. Because someone from this building shafted us on a tip. Huge. You can go fuck yourself. [00:21:15] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:21:16] Speaker A: Businesses always shafted on the tips. There was one time I was a delivery driver for fast food as well, and there was so much food that it lowered the fucking suspension in my car. It's like, I'm like, holy fuck. And I deliver all this food. It was A few thousand dollars, and I get, like, a $50 tip. I'm like, yeah, it's cool and all, but this was about 2 hours of work. [00:21:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:21:51] Speaker A: So I could have been making way better fucking tips doing some other shit. Yeah, if you're too lazy to go to a fucking restaurant, you better bare minimum be tipping $5. [00:22:05] Speaker C: Oh, yeah. [00:22:06] Speaker A: I feel like that this is the only time where I'm like, okay, yeah, 100% tips. But if I go, and here's another thing that fucking wigs me the fuck out about tips, okay? I'm going to about to get ranty. When you go to a place, pick out all the food yourself, get everything done yourself, get to the register, and it's like, would you like to tip? Who the fuck am I tipping? Like, if you go to a self serve kiosk at an airport, they'll ask for a fucking tip. I'm like, waiting for vending machines to be like, tip? No, motherfucker. I'll tip better if I know the person too. I'm sure Courtney always tips, like, amazing. Courtney, do you always tip amazing? Or are you, like, one of those people? Like, you gave me shitty service, kind of. Fuck. [00:23:01] Speaker B: Like, I always try to give a certain amount. I've never really gotten too shitty service where I've felt, like, the need to reflect that, and that's it. Normally I give around 2020, 5%, and then if it's shitty, then I give 10% to 15%, but that rarely happens. I've never really had really shitty service that bad. It has to be really bad. [00:23:36] Speaker A: I've had some awful fucking service before, but at my bar, I walk in the door and they're like, hey, Alex, what can I get you? And I'm like, you guys get 50% tip every time. And if I'm too drunk to understand what the 50% is, I round it up. And then people are like, that's bad. You shouldn't be tipping 50%. I'm like, why? I'm like, it's literally like a $10 fucking total bill. And I'm tipping them $5, but grabbing a beer for myself, but I'm waiting for fucking tips for goddamn everything. Like, delivery drivers are wanting tips now. It's like, you want to tip this guy? No, I don't want to tip this guy. I don't need to. Fucking businesses should be paying their employees enough to where they're able to make a living without the fucking tips. [00:24:46] Speaker C: Yep. [00:24:48] Speaker A: Every single employer in America should be doing that. And if you're know, then you should leave. And when somebody orders something from you. Oh, sorry. We don't actually have any delivery drivers because we don't feel like they're worth anything. You can charge me an extra delivery charge. That way you can pay your guys, but don't expect me to fucking tip them on top of all that bullshit. [00:25:22] Speaker B: Yeah, plus a lot of the delivery, they get paid by the restaurant. I don't know the fine print and what's what, but most of the stuff that you buy in the app, like, for Doordash, certain stuff is more expensive than in the restaurant itself. [00:25:45] Speaker A: Yeah, that's why I order from the restaurant directly. Like, there's one place that they deliver through Doordash, but you can order through the restaurant directly, and then they move it over to DoorDash because it is more expensive over on Doordash than it is at the restaurant. So it's like, boom, I get the restaurant price. [00:26:10] Speaker C: Yeah, fat Silly's does that. [00:26:14] Speaker B: Yeah, Panera does that, too. But I think mostly their prices are really the same. [00:26:21] Speaker A: I mean, the prices are ridiculous and they're making money hand over fist. But running a restaurant is kind of like a tightrope walk. It's either you're breaking even, fucking losing money, or you're making a shitload of money. And it's like, I want all these restaurants to be making a shitload of money, especially if I like their food. But if your food is shit or if you're trying to fucking cut shit. Yeah, go fuck yourself. So now onto the next story. The International Space Station astronauts find a tomato that was lost in space for eight months. My wife saw this story and got giddy as fuck. [00:27:09] Speaker C: This is hilarious. [00:27:12] Speaker A: So an astronaut named Frank Rubio had been blamed for a long time for eating this tomato. They thought he ate it, and I'm pretty sure it was a tomato that was grown in space. Then they're like, little, itty bitty, tiny fucking tomatoes. [00:27:41] Speaker C: This poor dUde. [00:27:43] Speaker A: And so they dissected the tomato and gave everyone, like, a little baggie, and his just kind of floated away. And it's the International Space Station, so this bitch is huge. Yeah. It's not just, like, a fucking space shuttle where it's like, oh, it's over there. It just flew the fuck away for eight months, just gone. It's like, damn. And like, you idiot, you're not supposed to eat it. He's like, I didn't eat it. I didn't do that. It wasn't me. I didn't fucking eat it. I'm sure I get a Christmas party like, hey, Frank, how that tomato taste? I didn't fucking eat the tomato. I wouldn't know. Like, right? And then they find it, like, oh, man, we drove Frank insane. We gaslighted the fuck out of. Oh, we owe him an apology. Or we could eat the tomato. That's what they should have done. They should have fucking thrown that tomato bag away and then continued to gaslight him forever. It's like, ha. Take that, patriarchy. [00:29:09] Speaker C: That's, like, the worst part, that he didn't get to have his bit. [00:29:12] Speaker A: I'm pretty sure he was supposed to eat the tomato, though. I'm pretty sure that was a part of it. Each International Space Station astronaut received samples of the tomatoes after the March 29, 2023, Harvest. But Rubio's share, stored in a Ziploc bag, floated away before he could take a bite. [00:29:33] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:29:37] Speaker A: So it's like, it didn't really even fucking matter if he did eat it. It's like, yeah, damn, that sucks. I didn't get to eat it. I mean, that leads to a new experiment. What did the fucking tomato look like after? [00:29:55] Speaker C: I also want to know that it. [00:29:57] Speaker A: Doesn'T show any of the fucking goddamn. [00:30:02] Speaker C: Does it look the same because there's no bacteria to break it down? [00:30:06] Speaker A: No, it'd fucking shrink for sure. There's no fucking way that it's a vacuum, essentially. Yeah, but it's pressurized capsule. I don't know exactly. Yeah, I feel bad for this man. I never got my tomato. [00:30:30] Speaker B: Was tomato, like, made special or something? [00:30:34] Speaker A: No, it was grown in space. It was grown on the space station. [00:30:39] Speaker B: How did it taste? [00:30:42] Speaker A: He doesn't know. He didn't get to eat it. It floated away. [00:30:47] Speaker B: SurelY there were others. [00:30:49] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. No, it tasted like tomato, I'm sure. But he didn't get to eat his tomato. And they all thought he did. Like, you ate your tomato. Stop being silly. He's like, I didn't. They found it, like, almost a year later. He's like, they're going to find this shit years later. But the International Space Station is actually going to get, I'm pretty sure, decommissioned here. Coming up. And they're going to fucking just dump in Point Nemo. [00:31:19] Speaker C: Great. [00:31:21] Speaker A: Point Nemo, it's the most remote place on the planet. It's like the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Like nothing is around it. [00:31:29] Speaker C: Yeah, let's just drop that giant ass litter in the middle of the ocean. It won't hurt it at all. It's fine. [00:31:38] Speaker A: I mean, what's the other option? To fucking shoot it off into space and then hope a planet doesn't whip it back at Earth? And then we have an International Space station coming crashing down in the Mendel of, like, Pentacola, Florida. [00:31:51] Speaker C: What happened if we dropped in, like, a volcano or something? [00:31:55] Speaker A: There's no volcanoes that are that big and active. [00:32:00] Speaker C: I guess you couldn't dissect, huh? [00:32:02] Speaker A: That's what they're it. Obviously they didn't shoot up the entire space station like that. [00:32:09] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:32:09] Speaker A: So they're going to break off a piece of it, throw in Point Nemo. Break off a piece of it. Because it's an old fucking thing, too. [00:32:17] Speaker C: I'm sure it is. [00:32:19] Speaker A: It's like from, like the 70s or something. [00:32:22] Speaker C: It survived quite a long time, hasn't it? [00:32:24] Speaker A: Yeah, it's like a 50 year old fucking house. It's like this house. Imagine if this house was in space. It's crazy. Now they're just going to have private companies do that shit. They're tired of it. [00:32:42] Speaker B: So I looked up Point Nemo, and the first thing that came up is finding Nemo. Submarine voyage. It's part of a theme park. [00:32:53] Speaker A: That's cool. It's a spaceship graveyard. There's dumb shit out there. [00:33:06] Speaker B: Wow. [00:33:09] Speaker A: Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Just no reason to visit it. There's nothing out there. You could also fucking just dump it on Florida. Just dump the entire International Space Station, have it hit Florida dead Center, and boom. And then no one would even notice. Like, hey, Meredith, do you hear sound out back? There's a space station. Quit lying, bitch. Get me another PBR. [00:33:43] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. I would be like, I wonder what happens to all the satellites where they. [00:33:49] Speaker A: Land and shit in the ocean. [00:33:52] Speaker B: There's so much space junk out there. [00:33:55] Speaker A: Well, sometimes it gets abandoned and it's just going around the planet, and then other times, it just burns up in orbit like it'll never even hit the ground. [00:34:08] Speaker C: What's that doing for the greenhouse gases? [00:34:10] Speaker A: Nothing good, nothing bad. It's fine. [00:34:18] Speaker B: My gosh. [00:34:20] Speaker A: We're doing way worse down here than a satellite entering orbit and just turning into space dust is doing. [00:34:28] Speaker C: I know, but it's applying heat. [00:34:31] Speaker A: Yeah, it's fine. So is the sun. The sun's doing it a lot more. [00:34:37] Speaker B: Yeah, I don't think it would be a lot. [00:34:40] Speaker A: It's inconsequential. It's like a cat scratch killing you. [00:34:48] Speaker C: You can die from a cat scratch. [00:34:50] Speaker A: If you're a pussy. [00:34:54] Speaker C: No, you seriously can die if you're not fucking smart. [00:34:57] Speaker A: Okay, let me put it dying from a paper cut, then. [00:35:02] Speaker C: I mean, there's gangrene, there's a fleshyitis bacteria dying. [00:35:07] Speaker A: Okay. Jesus Christ. Fucking retarded. Next story. Fuck you. [00:35:15] Speaker B: Holy shit. It's funny. I ended up, like, redownloading chrome, and it remembers all the stupid shit I had opened. [00:35:28] Speaker A: Oh, my next story. Chelsea Ford, man, banned from cycling. Caught riding to probation meeting. Now, this is some fucking wild shit that never happened in the United States. But Jake Carter, 27 years old, was given a criminal behavior order in Essex. Like, UK or England or wherever the fuck. Yeah, they broke up, and I still don't understand why Brexit happened. [00:36:09] Speaker C: We don't have enough time left in the podcast for me to explain Brexit to you. [00:36:13] Speaker A: Oh, I don't care at you. You could explain the entire thing and write a book and be like, isn't it interesting? I'm like, what? Yeah, I didn't care at all. They're all English people. They all talk funny and call the fucking things joggers and call cigarettes fags. Let them do their own thing. [00:36:37] Speaker B: Wait, what? [00:36:39] Speaker A: So a dude in the. [00:36:41] Speaker B: What they really call cigarettes? Bags? [00:36:45] Speaker A: Yes. [00:36:46] Speaker B: Like, why? [00:36:49] Speaker A: Because a faggot is a bundle of sticks that you use to burn a witch at the stake was never really a gay person, but they deemed the gay people too lowly and disgusting to be given a stake to be burned upon, so they just threw them in with the other kindling, the other faggots. And that's where flaming faggot comes from. [00:37:16] Speaker B: Really? [00:37:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:37:19] Speaker B: Wow. [00:37:20] Speaker A: Yeah, you learn something new every day. Yeah. Faggot is just a bundle of sticks. [00:37:24] Speaker B: No. [00:37:25] Speaker A: And so, like, a fag is just like, a stick. That's on why. That's why they call him on over here in America. And then over there, like, yeah, it's fine. It's just. Whatever. But Jake Carter, 27 years old, was given a criminal behavior order in Essex which banned him from riding his. From. Which banned him from using a bike or e scooter. He breached the order twice and on one occasion cycled to his appointment with a probation service, which is stupid as fuck. Just let him have his goddamn bicycle. [00:38:14] Speaker C: I want to know what happened. [00:38:18] Speaker A: Uh, he's probably. Oh. Essex police said the ban had been imposed on the defendant after he assaulted multiple women in the city after cycling up to them. Okay, yeah, they did a good thing by taking this fucking bicycle. I didn't read the story. [00:38:35] Speaker C: What a fucking creep. [00:38:41] Speaker A: But I'm sure assault over there is just like, hey, pretty thing, and then rides off. [00:38:47] Speaker C: Doesn't matter. Point is, he shouldn't be bicycling. [00:38:56] Speaker A: So now I want to know, how many hours did he get in the didgeridoo prison that he got? But it does not say. It just says, shame on this man. Shame on you. Good for you, bud. Like, if you were driving, then that'd been something completely different. And this story of fuck around. Find out. Keanu Reeves Hollywood mansion robbed by burglars in ski masks and his firearms were stolen. And if you don't know who Keanu Reeves is, he was the dude in John Wick. [00:39:41] Speaker C: He's gotten old. [00:39:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:39:43] Speaker C: Holy fuck. [00:39:46] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:39:47] Speaker B: What? [00:39:48] Speaker C: Really? [00:39:48] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Keanu Reeves is old as shit. [00:39:51] Speaker C: He's got that salt and pepper going on. [00:39:56] Speaker A: I mean, he's, like, in his, like, 50s. Let's see how old that is. [00:40:03] Speaker C: Not a flattering phoTo. [00:40:05] Speaker A: How old is Keanu Reeves? He's 59 years old. [00:40:09] Speaker C: Oh, damn. [00:40:11] Speaker A: Leave the man alone. He's a good dude. [00:40:15] Speaker C: I didn't know he was that old. I still thought he was, like, late forty s. Oh, yeah. [00:40:19] Speaker A: No, he's been doing movies for a long fucking time. And I really, like. There's not a whole lot know celebrities nowadays that I just outright, like. Because deep down, I feel like they're a good person. Keanu Reeves, I feel like, is a good fucking know. Like, you don't ever see shit about his wife because he's just been with his wife forever, and they're like, there's no fucking dirt on his wife at all. They've just been in, like, a long term, committed, loving relationship. It's like, oh, okay. But, yeah, so some burglars came in, fucking stole his shit. And his firearms are stolen and it's like, dude, have some fucking security there. You're rich. Have the police show up and just shoot these guys. Yeah, it says it in this story. He's 59 years old. Goddamn. Yeah. He was away from his home during the incident. Yeah. Goddamn. He used to be young, like years ago. Yeah. I guarantee you, fucking. He's going to just break open some cement in the ground and grab some more guns and then be like, oh, you fuck. I hope Keanu Reeves is the one to make the arrest. [00:41:56] Speaker C: No, his back hurts. He's old. [00:41:59] Speaker A: No, he's fucking. He's not that old. Rich, fucking 58 is like young 32. Like poor 32. Poor 32. [00:42:16] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:42:22] Speaker A: But yeah, he secured a temporary restraining order against one of his proposed stalkers earlier this year. Yeah. I don't even know what state he lives in. I assume California. [00:42:36] Speaker C: Yeah, it says Los Angeles. [00:42:39] Speaker A: I assume he has different fucking houses. I don't like because I assume their primary residence has to be there because that's where fucking Hollywood is. But I assume that they have different houses, like in Tennessee or whatever. [00:43:02] Speaker C: Well, no, it says the Los Angeles. [00:43:04] Speaker A: Yeah, that's where this house that got robbed is. [00:43:07] Speaker C: I can never say it right. [00:43:08] Speaker A: Los Angeles. [00:43:09] Speaker C: I always think of Bucks Bunny when he says Los Angeles, and it gets confused in my head because that was the first time I ever heard it pronounced. And so I have to my head be like, no, that's the wrong way. [00:43:24] Speaker A: So the first act of violence has happened in Canada. This sucks. A kangaroo that was on the loose east of Toronto since last week has been found and captured early Monday. Police Chris Borlio said the officer spotted the missing marsupial. Jesus Christ. Alliteration much around 03:00 a.m. On rural property. And they're able to keep eyes on him for nearly 4 hours. Just shoot them. [00:44:05] Speaker C: No, he has to go back to the zoo. [00:44:07] Speaker A: No, you don't. [00:44:08] Speaker C: He was expensive. [00:44:10] Speaker A: The female kangaroo punched one of the officers in the face. During the apprehension, police clarified that the officer had been struck, not necessarily punched, by the kangaroo. Okay. [00:44:24] Speaker B: Wow. Did you know across Canada, only 874 people were killed in 2022? [00:44:36] Speaker A: Only that many. [00:44:38] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:39] Speaker A: By police. [00:44:41] Speaker B: No, it doesn't say that. Let me see. [00:44:49] Speaker A: I'm sure it's a wildly underrepresented number. I'm sure that's like murdered, not like died. Hang up. [00:45:05] Speaker C: Kangaroos cannot jump backwards. [00:45:08] Speaker A: No. Why would they be able? Their tail gets in the way and I saw this fucking, like, it's not necessarily a news story, but it is something that is in my heart. Nearly half of all men think they can safely land a plane in an emergency, survey finds. [00:45:33] Speaker B: Seriously? [00:45:34] Speaker A: Yeah. I fully believe that because I'm one of those men that believe that they can land a plane. [00:45:42] Speaker B: Oh, my God, you're so funny. [00:45:46] Speaker A: I mean, not a smooth landing. [00:45:52] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:45:53] Speaker C: They can certainly crash the plane, I'm sure. [00:45:56] Speaker A: No, land the plane. I feel like I can land a plane in an emergency, especially if I have the headset and I can talk to air traffic control. What? [00:46:15] Speaker B: It's 69 people that were killed in Canada by police. [00:46:22] Speaker A: Yeah, it's too high. [00:46:26] Speaker B: Let's see how much it is in America. [00:46:29] Speaker A: Numbers don't go that high, but, yeah. Like, imagine this scenario. You're seated comfortably heading towards your travel destination when the flight attendant's voice interrupts the silence, announcing, ladies and gentlemen, both pilots are unable to continue. Are there any passengers willing to assist in landing in the plane? With guidance from air traffic control, many Americans believe they could handle the task. Yeah, of course. Approximately one third of adults in the US feel confident in safely landing the passenger aircraft with guidance from air traffic control. Interestingly, this confidence level increased nearly 50% among male respondents. Yeah, I feel like I can do it. I'm one of these dudes. Easy. Why are you laughing? Like, it seems easy? [00:47:29] Speaker C: Have you seen the picture of a cockpit? [00:47:32] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm looking at one right now. [00:47:34] Speaker C: There are so many dials, I could not do that. [00:47:37] Speaker A: Yeah, there's a bunch of fucking dials in a truck. And I know exactly what every fucking one does. [00:47:42] Speaker C: I know I couldn't land a plane. [00:47:45] Speaker A: Most of them are fucking useless, and they all are labeled, too, which is crazy. [00:47:55] Speaker C: I just know I couldn't do it. [00:47:59] Speaker A: Fucking look for the one that says landing gear and back. Boop. And then open up the landing gear, and it's like, all right, throttle down. Now. It's like, all right, throttle down. And then I'd be like a fucking hero. And I'm like, I'm just one of the guys. And I'd be like, in high fives and free beers, and it's like, yeah, now women can barely drive a fucking car. So it's obviously can't drive a plane. [00:48:26] Speaker C: Do you drive a plane or do you fly it? [00:48:29] Speaker A: When it's on the ground, you drive it. [00:48:31] Speaker B: Fair enough. The number for law enforcement killed at least 1176 people. [00:48:42] Speaker C: I expected that to be much higher. [00:48:44] Speaker A: America. America. Fuck. Yeah. It's from a movie. [00:48:54] Speaker C: I thought that'd be, like, an amount, like, per state, to be honest. [00:48:58] Speaker A: I mean, we get the fucking marquees that are like, 600 people died in car accidents this year in Colorado, be better. And it's like, only 600 rookie numbers. Get that up. The fuck are we doing over here? Trying to be wimps. But Florida story, really quick. A Florida woman set tender date on fire after yelling, you guys are out to get me. She also set herself on fire. They don't say that either. Destiny Johnson, 25 years old, is facing three felony charges, including arson and attempted murder. The victim in Johnson, who uses the alias Tiny, met on Tinder. She messaged the man at around 05:00 a.m. And asked him to come to the Holiday Inn Express east of Miami. When he arrived, Johnson opened the door and said she needed money to fix her car, and she was holding a one gallon water jug containing gas. The victim said he did not appreciate Johnson telling him to come to the hotel just to ask for money. He offered her $60 that he had to help her out. Anyway, she became angry, yelled, you guys are out to get me. And then she poured the gas on the dude and then in his fucking car, and then lit that shit on fire. [00:50:43] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:50:45] Speaker A: Florida, you never cease to amaze me. You guys are animals. Oh, wait, no. The person's name was Courtney, okay? [00:51:00] Speaker B: Oh, my. [00:51:01] Speaker A: That's some shit you would do. Courtney, give me $60. All right, never mind. Now you get to be on fire. All right, now on to am I the asshole? Because we got, like ten minutes left by firm Tomatillo six, asshole. For canceling my best friend's bachelorete party after she fired me as the bridesmaid. I'm going to try and sum this up the most I can. I'm a full time student, so I am currently living off of student loans and what little hours I can work outside of school. I have spent about $1,000 on my best friend's wedding so far. 350 on the bridesmaid's dress, 350 on the flight home to attend the wedding as I'm away for school, and about $100 on the gift I sent her for the bridal shower. The maid of honor is currently very pregnant and having a rough time. She asked me to plan the bachelorette party. I agreed. I had planned it perfectly and had it as a surprise. I messaged the other girls to plan. When they all agreed, I went ahead and booked my idea. This is on top of the 1000 I spent earlier. 400 on a limo to go bar hopping. The bride loves bar hopping. And booked us a $700 Airbnb to crash in afterwards. As of right now, the other bridesmaids did not chip in and this was out of pocket and say they would pay me back later. About a month later, I and two other girls got kicked from the bridal party group chat, along with a paragraph from the bride saying we are no longer invited because we weren't honoring her wishes. When asked, she didn't want to answer what she meant or what we had done wrong. Two days passed. She adds us back to the chat and apologizes, saying she's just stressed. And we all talked and made up yesterday, same thing happened, except I'm the only one removed with a paragraph going on off on me, telling me I'm not respecting her or her wishes. Her wishes that she wishes that she never invited me or asked me to be a bridesmaid when asking what happened or what I did wrong. Again, radio silence. Today she messaged me again, apologizing, saying she's so sorry for lashing out like she did, but she'd like me there, but not as a bridesmaid as it would make her uncomfortable. I'm not allowed to wear the dress I'd already bought that I've already spent so much on the sweating and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable in our bed today. Then she lashes out and telling me I should just make more money from it, take more money from my student loans to buy a second dress. Oh, Jesus Christ. So with that, I went ahead and canceled the Airbnb. In the limo, I told the other bridesmaids what had happened. They all agreed it was fair. One of them must have told the bride about the secret bachelorette party as she messaged me, telling me that I'm an asshole and ruined her entire wedding as she does not have time to book a new bachelorette party in time. Nor does any of the other bridesmaids have the money or savings to book anything. I also managed to get a refund on my flight, so I'm really only out $450 for a weding I'm no longer invited to. [00:54:55] Speaker C: Well, at least you got that money back. [00:54:58] Speaker B: Yes. [00:55:01] Speaker A: Bridezillas are a real fucking thing. I don't really understand that shit. I'm stressed because I'm getting married, yet you're losing your freedom to just go out and fuck random dudes. If you're not ready to get married, don't. Yes, my wife was ready to get married and then she did. [00:55:24] Speaker C: Yeah, I was ready. [00:55:27] Speaker A: But I see, like party chicks, I like to go out to the bar all the time and want to sew their wild young oats. And it's like, don't get married at this point. It is not a great time for you as an individual to get married. Stop that dead in its tracks. Let me see what the fucking comments have to say on this one. Something is missing here. Something is missing here that kept you hanging there in the first place. Has anyone told you what she meant by respecting her wishes or being uncomfortable? When you talked about it the first time? Did anything make sense? Nevertheless, not the asshole. Why was she comfortable spending your money on her party? Why are the others still comfortable being in her party? Yes, I did not include that part. Sorry. My bad. So the first time she messaged us, she did not tell us nor explain what we were doing wrong when we first discussed it. She said she had a moment of panic and stress took over. She said things she didn't mean. And the most recent time, she told me that she'd be uncomfortable due to the fact we had a fight. The fight was just her removing me from the group chat and then cussing me out. She never told me what I wasn't respecting her wishes or on, unfortunately. But I will say she did know that she had a bachelorette party. But I will say she did know she had a bachelorete party, but the surprise was what it was going to be. I spoke to the maid of honors since this post, and she said the bride has told her she just didn't know how. Okay, so she didn't want a skinny girl next to her at the altar. Okay, that's what it was, chica. The bride was, I guess a larger. [00:57:39] Speaker C: Wasn'T. I'm sorry she wasn't more confident in her body. Still not the asshole op. Although if you're one of those skinny bitches who get to eat whatever the fuck whenever they fuck they want. Fuck you. But still not the asshole. [00:57:54] Speaker A: Yes, you're not the asshole. Maybe you can mend that friendship after. No, but honestly, just get rid of it. It doesn't even matter. You're still young. You're going to college. You're going to create new fucking people to talk to who don't ask you. [00:58:16] Speaker C: To spend your student loans on them. [00:58:20] Speaker A: And yeah, you'll get there. Fucking focus on yourself, Chica. You'll be fine. And then now to relationship advice. Even though that was kind of weird. Relationship advice. Am I the asshole? By Lola's private I 23 female have been seeing the perfect guy. Except he 24 male. Sounds like Minnie Mouse during sex. Title basically covers it. We've gone on several dates. He's a gentleman, kind, funny, super attractive, confident, caring and everything. Yet when we have sex, his voice goes up several octaves and he talks and moans like a shitty female porn star who's trying to get a man off. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel bad and say something about how much of a turn off it is, but I can't help it. Almost laugh every time he does it, and it's pretty often. And he's not that quiet. I try to shush him in a sexy way so he doesn't catch on, but it never lasts long. If you were him, what would be the best way to receive this news? Would you even say anything or just hope it gets better? I don't want to end a perfectly wonderful thing that may be a relationship over something so trivial. TLDR how do I tell a guy he sounds like a little girl during sex without ruining things or hurting its feelings? [00:59:56] Speaker C: Just play some music. [00:59:59] Speaker A: Tell him. Just tell him. Just like what's up with the Voice during sex? And if he is unaware, have him work on it. No, tell him. As a man, I would want to know. Does my voice go up during sex? Am I like. [01:00:21] Speaker C: Yeah, sometimes. [01:00:26] Speaker A: Okay, I'm going to go hang myself. [01:00:28] Speaker C: It's never bothered me. I get really high pitched when we have sex too. [01:00:35] Speaker A: First person. I'm sorry. I laughed really hard. Just tell them not to do those sounds. Maybe put music on you, like a less vocal environment when you're having sex. Hey, Siri, play me something sexy. Hot dog, hot dog. Hot tiggity dog. [01:00:54] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [01:00:59] Speaker A: My mind immediately went to this. Oh, God. What is this? This is disgusting. Smells. It's falling apart. You can hear the mice humping in the wall. That was so awesome. Ask him to do a caveman role play and say you like deep grunting or whatever, and then overreact positively to a condition and do them more. Personally, I'd feel a bit shredded if someone said they did not like my sex noises. Get a fucking strap on dildo and make him suck your dick and then he can't fucking moan like high pitched during that. [01:01:52] Speaker C: Oh, this is smart. What, the historical one? [01:01:57] Speaker A: This one? [01:01:58] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:01:59] Speaker A: If you're a bit adventurous and can trust him, you could suggest videotaping yourself. And when it's played back, he may hear himself and make a decision to change without you having to say anything at all. We hate hearing ourselves recorded. He may realize he sounds like Minnie Mouse himself? Yeah. I mean, the dude's going to be self conscious about it. Fucking do some role play. Put some tape over his mouth. My hostage. I mean, he'll probably be like. [01:02:47] Speaker C: Oh, my God, Op. It's up to you. But I personally wouldn't say anything. I would just put on music. [01:02:56] Speaker A: Yeah. Make a sex tape with them. I like that one the best. [01:02:59] Speaker C: I like that one the best, too. [01:03:01] Speaker A: And then watch it together and make. We should put this on porn. And then when he's, like, absolutely fucking lootly. Not. Holy shit. No. It's like, why? It's hot. He's like, I just don't like the sounds I make. It's like, I don't either. [01:03:29] Speaker B: I'm. [01:03:29] Speaker A: And then you can help give them, like, a Pavlovian shock collar back. You're doing sounds again. It gets even worse. I mean, get them into therapy. That might be something therapy related. It might come from some deeper fucking spot, too. Talk to him about it. I don't know how long you've been with this dude. You've gone on several dates, so I assume not long. And this is, like, apparently a new thing because you're not fucking a dude for months. That sounds like a Minnie Mouse. No. [01:04:14] Speaker C: At that point, you've either gotten over it or you've gotten over him. [01:04:18] Speaker A: Yeah. I feel like the dude is just doing it as a gag, like, as a fucking bit. There's times where I jusT. I'm like, I want to make weird sounds just to see if my wife would ever say anything. Just like every time I thrust in back LA. [01:04:40] Speaker C: I don't know. You've made some pretty word sounds, and it hasn't bothered me. [01:04:44] Speaker A: Now I'm self conscious about it. Thanks. Told you not to tell me. Now I'm 100% self conscious. [01:04:51] Speaker C: So you think op should tell her. [01:04:52] Speaker A: Boyfriend, oh, my gosh, I'm going to eat rat poison tonight. Now tell him. Who fucking cares if he's funny like you fucking lied about, apparently. Then he's going to fucking get up on fucking stage and do a bit about how he sounds like Minnie Mouse when having sex. [01:05:13] Speaker C: You know those videos where it's like the turtles? [01:05:20] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Trust me, any funny dude would love it. Just like, I'm going to go tell my boys to sound like Minnie Mouse. I'm having sex and see if they want to have sex with me just to. Yeah, bro. See? Sound just like Minnie Mouse. Sue, if you sound like Minnie Mouse with my dick in your mouth. Yeah, you do. That's crazy. Hey, guys. He sounds like Minnie Mouse. It's like, let's gang bang him. Oh, man, I got in over my head. [01:05:57] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [01:05:58] Speaker A: I know. But thank you all so much for being here listening to this dumbass horseshit. We'll be back again next week with more horseshit, as always. And then I might put up the entire fucking clip up on Instagram and my TikTok over at Alexatruck Online. That's my name everywhere, Instagram and Twitter. I refuse to call X. I hate the fact that Elon changed it to X. Fuck you, Elon. Like, all your bad decisions in life, naming your kids something, doesn't. It pales in comparison to the fact that you change Twitter to X. Yeah, it's like if the medical community turned my butthole into, like, a back pussy, it's like, oh, look, it's my back pussy. I'm shitting out my back pussy. Oh, no, that hit me right in my back pussy. But see you all next week. Bye.