Roombas Cant Swim

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alrighty. Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to the Human podcast. It is now February, black History Month. Time to file your taxes. And then a day that you randomly get women chocolates for no fucking reason because, you know, you just have to. Or you get them really shitty, like edible chalk candy. I don't know what the fuck was up about that. [00:00:32] Speaker B: The smarties, right? [00:00:34] Speaker A: No, they were the fucking hearts. [00:00:37] Speaker B: Oh, the b mine ones? [00:00:38] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:00:40] Speaker C: Those are awful. [00:00:41] Speaker B: Like, those are worse than candy corn, and candy corn's disgusting. [00:00:46] Speaker A: No, candy corn is foul. But, like, do you ever get these stupid little heart chocolates, Courtney, or not? Heart chocolates? Little heart chalk. [00:00:59] Speaker C: Wait, heart chalk? [00:01:02] Speaker A: So it would be like a box of these little itty bitty pressed hard hearts that said things like, be mine in love, or whatever the fuck they said. And they tasted like. [00:01:17] Speaker C: That was one of the go to things. [00:01:19] Speaker B: They were garbage day in grade school. [00:01:23] Speaker C: They taste okay. [00:01:25] Speaker A: No, they're straight fucking trash. [00:01:28] Speaker B: They taste like the inside of pool toys. [00:01:32] Speaker A: It was like getting waxed lips for Halloween. I don't know who bought fucking waxed lips, but they would, like, hand out waxed lips. I'm like, that's garbage. That's like a novelty that you get once. And it'd be cool if it. And like, the Nicolips. Do you remember the Nicolips? I might be saying it wrong. [00:01:58] Speaker B: Are you having a seizure? [00:02:01] Speaker A: No. The Nicolips, Nikali. You know, like nicolix. [00:02:09] Speaker B: What is that? [00:02:10] Speaker A: So it was this little bottle made of wax. They're little bottles made of wax that you bite the top off and they have, like, juice inside. [00:02:18] Speaker B: Oh, they look like mini cans of soda. [00:02:21] Speaker A: Like mini bottles of soda? [00:02:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:27] Speaker A: Like paraffin wax. Fucking. [00:02:29] Speaker B: Okay, so my parents would get that and my brothers would drink it, and then I got to eat the wax afterwards. [00:02:34] Speaker A: The wax is inedible. You're not supposed to eat the wax. I don't know where my phone is. Otherwise I'd pull it up. My phone's somewhere. I'm sure that's like, another awful thing. It's like when you know your phone isn't within reaching distance, but you don't care enough to find it. I'm sure I'm sitting on it. [00:02:58] Speaker B: Well, I didn't die from eating the wax, unfortunately. [00:03:00] Speaker A: No, you're not going to die from eating the wax. It's just not edible. [00:03:03] Speaker B: It was delicious. [00:03:04] Speaker A: Same thing with, like, a piece of paper. It's not edible. You're not supposed to eat it. [00:03:10] Speaker B: You're not supposed to eat paper. [00:03:11] Speaker A: No. [00:03:13] Speaker B: I eat paper. [00:03:15] Speaker A: You're not supposed to eat glue. [00:03:17] Speaker B: I don't eat glue. That shit's gross. [00:03:22] Speaker A: You're not supposed to eat pussy either, but people do it like chinese people. [00:03:29] Speaker B: I mean, I know I can't. [00:03:33] Speaker A: Yeah, you'd be really upset. You're like, oh, no, they're frying up the cat. [00:03:38] Speaker B: What is the difference between a vagina and yogurt? Like, legitimately, what is the difference? It's culture. [00:03:45] Speaker A: Did you put my greek yogurt in the freezer? [00:03:48] Speaker B: Yes. [00:03:49] Speaker A: Okay. Just making sure. [00:03:50] Speaker B: Okay. [00:03:51] Speaker A: I just remembered it and I'm like, I haven't even looked. Yeah, it's just a season of shitty candy. Overpriced shitty candy. And like, hey, here's a stuffed animal for you because I care about you or some dumb shit. How about this? Save your money. You're going to have to spend all that money on a wedding and a ring fucking ten years down the road if it works out. And then you better hope it still works out another ten years down the road. Otherwise she's going to take your wedding money and then take your ring and leave you with nothing and then tell the courts to take all your money anyway. Getting married is a fool's errand for men. You can honestly just be nice to a chick for a slutty chick. Not like a classy chick, but wear a condom and it's fine. So be nice to a slutty chick, take her out for fucking Burger king, and then she lets you hit, and then you never have to talk to her ever again. Or you can talk to her all the time and just know that she's out fucking other dudes as well for Burger King. Now, if you want a classy woman that you can fuck without a condom on, and you don't have to worry about getting MRSA. From her pussy, then you're going to have to step it up and actually take her to, like, an arby's. [00:05:36] Speaker C: Oh, my. [00:05:37] Speaker B: Is New York Times a good source of truthful information? [00:05:41] Speaker A: No. [00:05:42] Speaker B: Okay. [00:05:43] Speaker A: None of the websites I ever go to are good sources. Every fucking story I've ever told could be a bad source of information. But the York Times, like, is better than most. [00:05:55] Speaker B: Okay, I'm just going to go to Google scholar. [00:05:58] Speaker A: Why? What is the story that you're looking at? [00:06:01] Speaker B: I want to know where Valentine's Day came from. [00:06:03] Speaker A: And I have read a St. Valentine. [00:06:05] Speaker B: No. I have read so much weird shit in the last 10 minutes. I need an authorized source. [00:06:16] Speaker A: Yeah, it's pretty much like, hey, winter is almost over, fallen in love. So you can fucking repopulate because most of the children just died this winter. And that's what happens every fucking time. And then they wait the nine months or, like, blah, blah, blah, fucking pop out a baby, like, yay, just in time for it to freeze to death. [00:06:40] Speaker B: I was literally eating a ceremony. They fucking sacrifice goats and dogs and then beat women with the fresh. What? [00:06:49] Speaker A: Yeah, always beat women. [00:06:51] Speaker B: Okay. And this was from the New York Times. I don't know if I believe this. I mean, I can see it happening. I could definitely see it happening, but I don't want to have Valentine's. [00:07:01] Speaker A: If you really want to know where Valentine's Day comes from, I would like. [00:07:05] Speaker B: To see you give it your best shot. [00:07:06] Speaker A: It is a hallmark holiday that was built by a corporation, so businesses that sell things or fucking cards could thrive and places that sell flowers could thrive, because as men, we do not give a shit about women until we are forced to. Oh, it's Mother's Day. I better call her and remind her that I exist. Oh, it's Father's Day. Go fuck yourself. I'm out here having beers with the boys. It's Valentine's Day. Fall in love. That way you can spend ridiculous money on a fucking card that she's going to throw away. Oh, cool. You can go to this restaurant and spend $1,000 for dinner. [00:07:58] Speaker B: Wait, is holiday holy days? No, but it's Holi and then days. [00:08:06] Speaker A: It'd be H-O-L-Y days. [00:08:09] Speaker B: Only here in America. [00:08:12] Speaker A: It ain't that fucking holy. I still have to work on that day. I don't give a shit. I only consider the day holy if I do not have to work on the day. Martin Luther King's birthday. Go fuck yourself. I still have to work on your Monday. I don't give a shit. [00:08:26] Speaker C: From holiday. It's from holy day. [00:08:31] Speaker A: Yeah, Christmas. I don't have to work that day. Cool, I'll consider it a holy day. Fucking thanksgiving. I have to work that day. Go fuck yourself, turkey. [00:08:43] Speaker C: Why do you have to work that day? [00:08:44] Speaker A: I just do. [00:08:46] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:08:47] Speaker A: Yeah, it's whatever it should I have to do. Welcome to being a truck driver in the United States of America. Shit we got to do. [00:09:01] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:09:03] Speaker A: I mean, on that whole fucking thing. I hate these fucking people that come on out here, have no idea how to drive in the snow and then block up traffic for 10 miles because they're fucking scared and they're not willing to go. Like, literally, just the other week, I was heading up I 25, just boom. Everything's going good. And then it comes to a dead stop, and I'm waiting for the ambulances and the tow trucks to show up and everyone to start showing up. No, it was some dude that was too goddamn scared to at least go 25 miles an hour and keep it moving that he had to stop in the middle of I 25 and chain up. I want to know who the fuck this guy was so the police can arrest him. And while he's arrested, put his fucking truck on train tracks and let a train hit it. Fuck this guy. [00:09:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:59] Speaker C: That's so weird. [00:10:01] Speaker A: I mean, we ended up going after, like, a half an hour, but it's like, dude, you just stopped everyone here for a half an hour because you're too scared. Pull over at a truck stop, call your dispatch, and say, hey, I'm not putting my life at risk because I'm afraid of the fucking snow. Get a different job. Sit in an office, fucking do out fucking accounting bullshit. I hate you people, and especially you four wheelers out here that are fucking either going way too fast or way too slow. Fuck you all. Especially the ones that are going way too slow. They'll fucking race to get around me, and then we'll come into some snow, and they'll be going 10 miles an hour. I wish it was legal for me to just hit them with my bumper and knock them off the fucking mountain. Fuck you guys. If you are afraid of snow, do not come out here. Look at the weather reports before you come out. If it says winter weather driving conditions, do not come out. Now, if you know what the fuck you're doing, awesome. Keep it fucking rolling. I don't give a shit. But if you're, like, out here from California, I've never seen snow before, but I want to go to Breckenridge and snowboard. Go fuck yourself. Go to Sierra ski ranch and go ski out there. You don't get to come out here to Colorado and fuck up everything that we have going on because, you know, have any goddamn common sense. Did you learn anything about Valentine's Day? [00:11:32] Speaker B: Oh, now I'm trying to figure out how observances are made. [00:11:38] Speaker A: With your eyes. [00:11:39] Speaker B: So an observance is a non paid holiday. And I'm trying to like Mother's Day and that kind of stuff where it's recognized, but it's not enforceably paid by the. So non paid ones are called observances. And I'm trying to figure out how you fucking make one. [00:11:58] Speaker A: You have women guilt you into it. That's it. Michelle Obama or whoever the fuck hunter Biden or Joe Biden's fucking wife is. They guilt them into it, and they're like, oh, you need to make this day a. Like, don't give fucking Martin Luther king a fucking day. Give Emmett till a day. Give Fred Hampton a day. [00:12:24] Speaker B: But how do you do that? How do you make that happen? [00:12:26] Speaker A: How do you make something government day? [00:12:28] Speaker B: I know, but I am not finding. [00:12:30] Speaker A: Clear answers the government's not going to make anymore. They're done making days. They made black history month sometime in the early two thousand s. Like, guess what? You black people get black History Month. And we'll teach you about black history, but only the black history that we want to teach you about. [00:12:49] Speaker C: Oh, my. [00:12:50] Speaker A: Yeah. Honestly, if you really go deep into some black history, you are going to find some obscene shit. Like when they had Black Wall street and they firebombed it from the sky and then burnt down buildings and killed children here in, like, juneteenth or something. No, that's something completely. I'm pretty sure that's something completely fucking different. But, yeah, they're like, hey, here's a little bit of a holiday. It's like, oh, sorry, we fucking. You black people were doing really good for yourselves, and we fucked it all up. No, how about this? You fucking give them back everything they had. Give them the education. I wouldn't be opposed to them making college free for black people. [00:13:45] Speaker B: There's a loyalty day, like, on top of July 4. [00:13:48] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, there's so many weird fucking days. There's, like, kid day. Yeah, there's, like, a hierarchy of holidays. There's paid holidays, federal. There's, like, observed holidays, also federal. And then there is fucking just like, hey, yeah, this is a cat day. [00:14:11] Speaker B: That can be state enforced at best. [00:14:14] Speaker A: I mean, they're not even, like, real days. Like, maybe Facebook might recognize it. [00:14:19] Speaker B: There's a fucking day. Yeah, like what? [00:14:22] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm sure there's days for birds. I'm sure there's days for rocks. I'm sure there's days for earth. There's days for fucking everything because people are bored and they don't have anything real to do. [00:14:33] Speaker B: What the fuck is gold star mother's day? [00:14:36] Speaker A: It's a fucking mother that pushed her babies all out of her pussy. [00:14:41] Speaker B: Oh, it has nothing to do with the war. [00:14:43] Speaker A: Whatever. [00:14:44] Speaker B: Yeah, here it is. Child health day. Leaf Erickson day. Yeah, I'm not mad at that. [00:14:49] Speaker A: There's Columbus day. There's all kinds of shit. But yes, if you're here from out of state in Colorado or in any of these winter states. Get the fuck out. Stop being on the road. I know you're not listening. I know you don't give a shit, but fuck you. Get the fuck out of here. I don't need to know. Delayed on the fucking road for hours upon hours. I was once delayed 6 hours on top of Levita Pass because a bunch of fucking people started just crashing all over the road because they did not have the correct tires. I feel like police should show up and be like, oh, that's awful. But here's a ticket for $1,000 for blocking the entire highway because you were ill prepared. And then here's another ticket for reckless driving. And then here's another. They should just pile on tickets to these idiots to where it's like they are terrified to fucking come out and try and ruin anything. [00:16:02] Speaker B: There's a Wrights brothers day, and now I'm moving on to weeks. [00:16:06] Speaker A: Okay, we're going to move on to some news, to some potentially depressing news, but not for me. Denver tells migrants, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. [00:16:19] Speaker B: I'm assuming I can't start singing the open line to closing time. [00:16:23] Speaker A: Closing time. [00:16:29] Speaker B: Okay. It's worse because I have the song printed out with instructions on how to work the iv pump. And I also don't know the intro. I just know the chorus. [00:16:43] Speaker A: But starting Monday, hundreds of migrant families living in shelters will be being discharged. But there might not be anywhere for them to go. Good. I don't know why you fucking came here thinking that you had some awesome fucking place to go. You're not going to fucking get a bomb dropped in your fucking house, but you have to come out here and actually get some shit done. [00:17:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:09] Speaker A: So essentially what had happened is now Denver is out of money and so they cannot house these fucking migrants anymore. And I don't know how the fuck they got all the way out here. We should just be like, hey, here is an empty shopping center. You can stay in here. How about that? We have an empty shopping center that we've had for years. And it's like, here you go. It'll be open. We'll even heat it. I have no fucking problem heating it. But you have to kind of police your own. If someone is doing something illegal, you can call the police. We will come and we will arrest them. [00:17:54] Speaker C: You really don't know how they ended up in Denver. [00:17:58] Speaker A: Well, they flew here. [00:18:00] Speaker C: The Texas governor. No, it was Texas. They shipped them all to sanctuary cities. [00:18:07] Speaker B: Yep. Just let them up. [00:18:09] Speaker C: Denver is one of. [00:18:10] Speaker B: Yep. [00:18:11] Speaker A: Yeah, we're not. And that's great. [00:18:13] Speaker B: Same thing happens with the animal shelters. Once a shelter runs out of room, they send the new shelter, ease up to the next shelter and so on are because no kill shelters are popular now. And it's a problem. [00:18:27] Speaker A: I get that you're having problems in your own country, whether it being the Ukraine, Afghanistan, whatever, the know. And you wanted to come to America for a greater chance. Guess what? The fucking old days of awesome America are done. Now you have to fucking bust your ass every single day for a chance. Know just a little bit. Survive. [00:18:51] Speaker C: Yeah. Quite honestly, if they went and did works that hard in their own country and realized what was wrong in their own country, they'd probably do a lot. The people that left their country should have stayed. [00:19:06] Speaker A: Oh, no, it's not that easy, actually, because a lot of the time, the government is just like, rich assholes that fucking take over and then become dictators. Kind of like the movie the just they have no China. You know, if a car hits a person in China and someone else helps them up, guess what? That person helping them up now has to fucking pay for them for the rest of their goddamn life. Really? Yeah. That's why fucking people watch a baby get ran over in China and do nothing. They're like, oh, that's what it is. [00:19:48] Speaker B: So before Memorial Day, there is a national safe boating week in which the government is imploring people to learn about fucking boat safety. Because Memorial Day is usually the starting day of boat season for most people in America, so it has the highest rate of boat accidents. [00:20:04] Speaker A: Good. [00:20:05] Speaker B: Starting on the holiday. So the government made a week of like, please just learn something. [00:20:11] Speaker A: Honestly, fuck, if you get killed by a know boat prop, you deserve to die. That's what that is. If a boat kills you, you deserved it. That's darwinism at its finest. Goddamn Charles Darwin. You did it again. Yeah. It's like these people coming out here, they're like, I think I can come out to America and have a better life for me and my kids. I get that. I get that you're having a hard time. You assume that America is going to be open arms and on, come the fuck on in and we'll take care of you. No, you actually have to put forth the fucking effort, and you have to work, like, four times as hard to get wherever the fuck you want to go. I've met immigrants, first generation immigrants that came over here, busted their fucking ass every goddamn day. They didn't care, and they made shit happen. Anytime I see, an immigrant that owns a business, I'm like, good for you, bud. You deserve it because you work hard. And I've been to other countries, and I'm like, their fucking customer service is off the charts. Their work ethic off the charts compared to Americans. So it's like if you're one of these hundreds of families, you're just over here for a fucking free paycheck. Get your ass to work. Go figure out something to do. Go clean a hotel room. Go fucking earn a little bit of money. I mean, it's a shitty time for you to get kicked out, but it'd be awesome if you can just get it started and then boom, be homeless for a bit. But honestly, you meet a lot of these immigrants and they're fucking tribalistic. They stick to their own. So go ahead, stick to your own. We'll stick to our own. But no, I'm friends with quite a few immigrants, and it's the very few that make it bad for the rest. It's kind of like cops. How there's like a small handful of cops that make all cops look like pieces of know. Or a cop will have a bad day and it's like his entire fucking career is now ruined because he had one bad. We're. We're at Denver's out of money. Sorry, immigrants. You now have to figure that shit out onto the next story. You know about Groundhogs Day, right? Well, I mean, everyone. It's like if the groundhog sees its shadow or some dumb bullshit. The fuck have you never heard of Groundhog's day? [00:23:19] Speaker B: A groundhog is more tupules or rodents. [00:23:21] Speaker A: Rodents, okay. They're underground rodents. Okay, so there's a groundhog, like an official groundhog that comes up, and if it sees its shadow, it's like four more weeks of winter or some dumb shit like that. [00:23:37] Speaker B: That's some farmers almanac shit. [00:23:38] Speaker A: Yeah, it is some farmers almanac shit. [00:23:40] Speaker B: But I was going to say it. [00:23:42] Speaker A: Wrong, but over there in Kentucky, Bullitt County, Kentucky, how you pronounce it? Yes. Bullet. B-U-L-L-I-T-T. Bullet. [00:24:01] Speaker B: The deep south. [00:24:03] Speaker A: But it's not the groundhog that they have for this. They're pretty fucking big animals too. Like as big as a cat. [00:24:13] Speaker B: Oh, it kind of looks like a cuppy barrow. [00:24:15] Speaker A: Cappy Bara. But it died on Groundhog Day. [00:24:29] Speaker B: Did it have a backup? [00:24:32] Speaker A: No, it was able to pass on the prediction. [00:24:35] Speaker B: Okay. I thought it passed, like, during the prediction. [00:24:37] Speaker A: Oh, that'd been hilarious. Like the hawk. Just like, it's like, fuck well, how did it die? [00:24:42] Speaker B: Was it a predator? No, it was old, preppy heart attack then. Sorry. [00:24:47] Speaker A: His passing was due to age. It was almost ten years old and heart issues brought on by age called it. [00:24:54] Speaker B: Yeah, I know nothing. [00:24:56] Speaker A: However, he was able to pass on his prediction to the other groundhogs living in the center. She predicted spring in the morning, good for this fucking groundhog. But yeah, that's like the one day you don't want your fucking groundhog to die. It's like on Groundhog Day. It's like happy Mother's Day. No, mom, don't die on Mother's Day. What? [00:25:32] Speaker B: Okay, so in the wild, groundhog's average lifespan is three years. In captivity, it's six years. However, they've reported living up to as long as 14 years in captivity. [00:25:42] Speaker A: Yeah, no one was ten, so it was old as shit. So next story, Demi Lovato, back in the news after she was caught singing to ghosts and shit like that. She was really off the deep end there for a bit. I don't know if she is or if they are. I don't even know. But Lovato was headlining at the American Heart association go red for women and she had a red dress on and she sang the song heart attack on stage in front of all these fucking people. I forgot what this song was. So I had to like, I think. [00:26:30] Speaker B: I have a heart attack. I think I have a heart. [00:26:38] Speaker A: That's that song. The one that no one even fucking remembers. [00:26:42] Speaker B: Okay, why is this a bad thing? This is fucking hilarious. [00:26:45] Speaker A: I know, but apparently people were not amused by it because it was for people that had heart attacks. [00:26:52] Speaker B: That makes it even better. What is she supposed to do, go up and sing some sappy? There was a word I wanted to say and it was not coming out of my mouth. Like the angel song with the PETA chick. [00:27:12] Speaker A: That's not her. [00:27:13] Speaker B: Okay, I know, but did they want her to sing some form of that? [00:27:16] Speaker A: I have no idea what they wanted her to sing, but they want her to sing. [00:27:19] Speaker B: That's hilarious. [00:27:20] Speaker A: But someone knew. Someone got her set list and was like, yeah, that's fine. So I put it on that person instead of demi Lovato. But she is insane. I will not deny this. [00:27:39] Speaker B: But wait, groundhogs are woodchucks. [00:27:45] Speaker A: Groundhogs are groundhogs. [00:27:46] Speaker B: No, they're woodchucks. [00:27:48] Speaker A: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck of a woodchuck could chuck wood? [00:27:52] Speaker B: I actually know the answer, but I forgot. [00:27:56] Speaker A: Because I can't chuck Wood. [00:27:58] Speaker B: No. [00:27:59] Speaker A: Woodchuck. [00:27:59] Speaker B: Woodchuck it's a legit number, but it's been so long since I last recalled it, I've forgotten the number. [00:28:06] Speaker A: But she's not the only one that had a faux paw. Larry David of fucking God damn. What was his show? Do. [00:28:26] Speaker B: WHOOP. [00:28:27] Speaker A: Fuck. Why can't I remember? Do you know what show Larry Davis from? [00:28:33] Speaker B: I know the song, but I know nothing beyond it. [00:28:37] Speaker A: It was like a show of just like. [00:28:42] Speaker B: It had all those skellingtons in the music, right? [00:28:45] Speaker A: God damn. You're going to make me fucking actually go over here and. [00:28:49] Speaker B: Okay, I know the song, but I only know it from fucking TikTok. [00:28:55] Speaker A: Curb your enthusiasm. God damn. [00:28:58] Speaker B: What the fuck is that? [00:28:59] Speaker A: You've never seen curb your enthusiasm? [00:29:01] Speaker B: Did my question imply I had? [00:29:03] Speaker A: We will watch some curb then. [00:29:04] Speaker B: Okay. [00:29:05] Speaker A: Curb is, like, going to be cringe. Do you remember? I think you should leave. [00:29:11] Speaker B: Yes. [00:29:12] Speaker A: It's kind of like. [00:29:13] Speaker B: Okay. Okay. I might be able to sit through it then. [00:29:15] Speaker A: Oh, it's so fucking good. Okay, so Larry David was on tv. He was on a morning show on know, whatever, NBC morning show, and Elmo was on it, and he went over and attacked Elmo like, he choked him. [00:29:36] Speaker B: Like, full throttle. [00:29:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:38] Speaker B: Oh, we have video evidence. [00:29:39] Speaker A: We have video. Yeah. Let me fucking share this with Courtney over there. [00:29:51] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:29:53] Speaker A: Sure. This happens. [00:29:54] Speaker B: My God. The song is playing in my head now. You are such a sweet. All right, let's go over to Alfred. Check of the weather. Oh, my gosh. Don't you before. [00:30:12] Speaker A: Ask permission. Ask permission before you touch people. Larry, they would have canceled the show. [00:30:22] Speaker B: Elmo. [00:30:24] Speaker A: I don't know who the fucking second puppet is. [00:30:26] Speaker B: Larry, you've gone too far this time. [00:30:28] Speaker A: Yes, Larry. Somebody had to do it. He said somebody had to do it. [00:30:34] Speaker B: Okay. Either a he didn't know the cameras are on, or he did. [00:30:39] Speaker A: Oh, no. He 100% knew the cameras were on. [00:30:41] Speaker B: Then that makes it better. [00:30:43] Speaker A: They were literally in the middle of a fucking segment and he had to. I'm surprised he didn't fucking land a punch. [00:30:49] Speaker B: I'm 100% behind this individual's behavior. [00:30:52] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Larry David is. [00:30:54] Speaker B: It was very satisfying to see Elmo being choked. I'm not going to lie. It was satisfying. Can we replay it? [00:31:00] Speaker A: All right, wait. [00:31:05] Speaker B: Yeah, that was satisfying. That was good. Appreciated that. [00:31:11] Speaker A: So, yeah, he was on today. Choked Elmo. Obviously. He's a fucking puppet, so no one really got hurt. But he was the first one ever to attack Elmo. Someone had to do it, and that's what it was. And then at the end of the fucking segment. He's like, I apologize, okay? I won't sue you. I know, Mochi. It's just awful that you have to fucking be cute. So good for you, Larry David. But he is getting old as shit. He's probably going to die here soon. But speaking of more fucking bullshit, a hurricane woman. And I read this fucking title of this hurricane woman who claimed uncontrollable defecation caused her to hit cyclists found guilty. I'm like, the fuck is a hurricane woman? It's Hurricane Utah. It's a city in Utah. [00:32:18] Speaker B: Okay. I legit thought they named this poor woman hurricane. [00:32:22] Speaker A: Yeah, I thought she was a big old fat chick and she's like, oh my God, look at that hurricane. It's just a fat lady. Holy shit. Oh my God. Category 17. It's going to kill us all. [00:32:36] Speaker B: Wait, this is in Idaho? [00:32:38] Speaker A: Utah. [00:32:39] Speaker B: Utah, yeah. Okay. [00:32:43] Speaker A: Yeah. Did I say Idaho? [00:32:46] Speaker B: No, Utah's landlocked, right? [00:32:50] Speaker A: Yes. [00:32:51] Speaker B: Okay. [00:32:52] Speaker A: Literally the next state over to us. [00:32:54] Speaker B: I don't know what our country looks like on a map. [00:32:56] Speaker A: We've driven through Utah, but yeah, a hurricane woman said medical issues, including uncontrollable defecation to diarrhea, caused her to hit and kill cyclists. Brothers participating in a St. George race. So these two fucking California cyclists were. [00:33:21] Speaker B: How do you know they're from California? [00:33:23] Speaker A: Because it says it. Pair of brothers from California riding in the spring tour of St. George race. Both men died of that injuries, but Julie Ann Budge, 48 years old, was arrested in 2022 after striking the 48 year old Matthew Bollard and Adam Bolard. So yeah, they're 48 and 49. They're all the same age too. Good. Honestly, let this woman go. People on fucking bikes are the bane of my goddamn existence. And if you're fucking riding on the side of a goddamn road, not in a bike lane, I guarantee you they're in the middle of the fucking road. People on bikes are just pieces of shit. [00:34:10] Speaker B: Oh my God. She was on fucking fentanyl. [00:34:15] Speaker A: Yeah, she had fentanyl through an iv trip, but she said that her diarrhea is the thing that caused her to hit these two men. [00:34:31] Speaker B: No, it was the fentanyl. [00:34:34] Speaker A: She got fucking convicted. [00:34:35] Speaker B: Good, because it was fentanyl. Does fentanyl give you the rons or doesn't sell your. [00:34:43] Speaker A: I would think that it'd plug you up because it is an opiate, but I don't know. [00:34:47] Speaker B: That's what I think too. [00:34:49] Speaker A: I don't know. I don't take opiates. Though. [00:34:53] Speaker B: If I have to take me morphine. I do not shit for like five days. [00:34:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:57] Speaker B: No matter how much mirrors I take. [00:34:58] Speaker A: But I do know quite a bit of. I'd know too much about drugs, I'll just put it that way. But yeah, imagine. So she got into the police car and she's like, hey, I have to do this. I have medical things. And she shit herself in the police car. I hope for God's sake she was a large woman. So she goes to jail and they just call her hurricane forever. God damn. Now I have to fucking look her up. God damn it. Search Google for this woman and she's not even that bad. [00:35:45] Speaker B: Bad looking. [00:35:47] Speaker C: Quite honestly. I thought I was kind of expecting you to share the screen with me. [00:35:53] Speaker A: Well, there's no pictures. [00:35:55] Speaker B: Why doesn't. [00:35:57] Speaker A: There you go. That's her. [00:36:01] Speaker B: Wow. Why is it so tiny? [00:36:07] Speaker A: I don't know. I think I've changed the setting and I will never change it back. I think I have it for like phone on my computer. [00:36:20] Speaker B: That might be it. [00:36:22] Speaker A: Don't know what it is. [00:36:24] Speaker B: No, it came with a new fucking windows update. It's been so confusing. [00:36:27] Speaker A: Did it? Let me see. [00:36:29] Speaker B: No, the software is designed to be used on an iPad, not like on an actual computer. It's dreadful. Had to relearn so much shit. I hate it. [00:36:39] Speaker A: I don't really care all that much. It's fine for me. Appearance mode, light. Let's see if that changed anything. No, nothing. I don't really care all that much. It's awesome for me. I can still see it all, so I'm not going to change it, but, yeah, no, she's not that fucking bad looking. I wouldn't hit. She's about a four out of ten for me. [00:37:18] Speaker B: Why does the attractive levelness of criminals matter? [00:37:21] Speaker A: It always does. Why Ted Bundy? Ten out of ten. [00:37:25] Speaker B: I thought he was gay. [00:37:27] Speaker A: No, she was killing women. [00:37:35] Speaker B: Why did I think that? I wonder where I've garnered this information from. [00:37:44] Speaker A: You're probably thinking of Jeffrey Dahmer. [00:37:47] Speaker B: Probably. Who's Ted Bundy then? [00:37:49] Speaker A: Ted Bundy was a serial killer that killed women. [00:37:52] Speaker B: Oh. [00:37:53] Speaker A: Because like, a woman broke his heart. Jeffrey Dahmer was the one that was eating penises and pots, know, fucking having gay sex with men and drilling holes in their head and putting acid in there. [00:38:05] Speaker B: Why do we have documentaries about serial killers? [00:38:08] Speaker A: Because they're fucking interesting. [00:38:10] Speaker B: Why? Like, do you think they're interesting? [00:38:12] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. That's why I know all this information. [00:38:14] Speaker B: Why do you find it interesting? [00:38:15] Speaker A: It's like Timothy McVeigh, but why is. [00:38:18] Speaker B: It interesting to you? [00:38:20] Speaker A: Because it's like living out my fantasy without having to commit crimes. [00:38:24] Speaker B: Oh, you know what? I already knew the answer to that question. Courtney, do you like this stuff? [00:38:28] Speaker A: Of course she does. She's a woman. [00:38:29] Speaker C: What stuff? [00:38:30] Speaker A: Serial killers. [00:38:33] Speaker C: Like, in what context? [00:38:35] Speaker A: Like, just watching the fucking videos and shit and reading the documentaries and knowing about. [00:38:41] Speaker C: Depends. It depends. [00:38:43] Speaker B: But why do you like it? Because I don't like it at all. [00:38:47] Speaker C: As long as they go to jail. [00:38:52] Speaker A: No, I get hard when I find out that they got away and they're never caught. Like the Zodiac killer. I'm like, oh, my God. Blowing my load. [00:39:02] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:39:07] Speaker C: I like Dexter. [00:39:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:39:11] Speaker C: And there was another one that was coming out, and I can't really find it anywhere, but it was based on all the serial killings that were supposedly happening around the city in that time, and it was about this couple, and the girl was like, she was a sociopath. So it was pretty interesting watching that and, like, it kind of put into perspective, you know, how Ted Bundy or whatever, like, one of the serial killers, was totally fine when he had a family for years, and then he ended up going out and killing again. I just find it interesting. [00:39:57] Speaker A: I mean, I can see myself becoming a serial killer very easily. [00:40:02] Speaker B: So it's about curiosity then. [00:40:05] Speaker A: I mean, it's like, what mistakes did you make? [00:40:08] Speaker B: Okay. [00:40:08] Speaker A: I won't bury the bodies in my backyard. That was a foolish thing. I won't kill people. I know. Like, I am right now building this script for an audio drama that I'll release, like, on podcast platforms. I know, but it's about a truck driver serial killer that, like, the first time he kills somebody, he doesn't an accident, but gets away with it because he's out in the middle of nowhere. [00:40:46] Speaker B: There's a movie about a vet tech who turns into a cannibal. If I was ever to watch a movie like that, I'd want to see that. But I know it'd give me nightmares. But I think about it a lot. [00:40:59] Speaker A: I think, like, cannibals are just, like, edibles and cans. [00:41:03] Speaker B: Cannibals are cool shit. [00:41:06] Speaker A: Well, I mean, except for, like, the fucking prion disease. That sucks. [00:41:11] Speaker B: But then that takes care of itself. [00:41:13] Speaker A: And, like, the fucking fact that you have, like, a weird, fishy smell after you start eating people and your skin turns a different color. [00:41:19] Speaker B: It does? [00:41:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:41:22] Speaker C: And you can get something like mad cow disease, but for humans. [00:41:25] Speaker A: Yeah, it's called prion disease. [00:41:27] Speaker B: Yeah, but is this from eating raw or cooked human? [00:41:33] Speaker A: Both. The prion disease can be stopped from cooking the human. But yes, it will, since it's such a vast difference. It's like if you eat a bunch of processed meat sticks. Like if you eat slim gems all the time, you're going to smell really bad. It's a weird thing. I don't know. But speaking of serial killers, a rocket of carrying a nuclear warhead found in garage. Neighbor calls Air Force museum, which is not the place people to call. [00:42:21] Speaker B: Who else do you call? [00:42:22] Speaker A: Ghostbusters. [00:42:25] Speaker B: Ghostbusters deals with army affairs. [00:42:26] Speaker A: No, ghostbusters isn't real. But the National Air Force Museum got a rather unusual call because they already called the police. [00:42:37] Speaker B: And I'm sure they were like, duh. [00:42:40] Speaker A: It was a rocket capable of carrying a nuclear warhead. The National Air Force Museum called the Bellevue Police Department, who responded along with a bomb squad to the home. The bomb squad members inspected the object and learned it was a Douglas Air two genie. Previous designation MB one, an unguided air to air rocket designed to carry a 1.5 something KTW 25 warhead. There is no warhead attached, which was a bad thing. They should probably track down where the fuck that warhead is. The rocket was inert and contained fuel. Um, because the item was inert, the military did not request it back. The police left the item with the neighbor to be restored and displayed in a museum. A spokesperson for the National Air Force Museum said they're not affiliated with the item and will not be putting it in their museum because it's kind of a shitty looking rocket. There's like, only, like one shitty picture of it. [00:43:59] Speaker B: I'm sure they can find a private museum, though, or a collector. [00:44:01] Speaker A: Oh, someone will fucking definitely buy it. But why is it the neighbor? I want to know who the fucking original owner was. If the neighbor is dead. [00:44:16] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:44:18] Speaker A: What? [00:44:18] Speaker C: 830. [00:44:19] Speaker A: I know. [00:44:20] Speaker C: Oh, it's 830. I have to get up tomorrow morning. [00:44:24] Speaker A: We're almost done. Got 15 minutes. [00:44:28] Speaker C: Yeah, I know. [00:44:31] Speaker A: We got a hero story, guys. [00:44:33] Speaker C: I'm going to go have a potluck with my mom's family, and Christy and Cassandra are going to be there. [00:44:38] Speaker B: Oh, God. Are things okay? [00:44:42] Speaker C: I haven't even talked to Christy. [00:44:48] Speaker A: We got a few more stories and then we got a couple. Am I the assholes over there in Copenhagen, Denmark? Actually, no, that's not from Copenhagen. This is from Oslo, Norway. A couple of dudes in a sauna wearing towels only saw a car go over in the Oslo. I don't know how to say the word. [00:45:21] Speaker B: They have, like, what? Like 24 vowels in their language. [00:45:23] Speaker A: Oslo Fajord. I think that's as close as I'm going to get. So they went into the water. A car drove into the water, and they were in a fucking sauna. They saw this somehow, and they saw the car stop before it suddenly accelerated and ended up in the water. The paper reported that the driver had thought that the vehicle was in park. Then he hit the accelerator. Puzzle. Pedal puzzle. [00:45:57] Speaker B: Something that's. This is how I'm going to die. This right here. Do you know how many times I've hopped out with the car not in park when I thought it was in park? Do you want to know how many. [00:46:08] Speaker A: Times it was a sauna raft? That's amazing. [00:46:12] Speaker B: Big summer blow up. [00:46:14] Speaker A: No, the guys on the sauna were on a raft. [00:46:17] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:46:22] Speaker A: But, yeah, they reached him just as the car went under. And then they fucking got them up and warmed up in the sauna. [00:46:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:46:31] Speaker A: I want a fucking floating sauna now. That sounds awesome. [00:46:36] Speaker B: I want a sauna. [00:46:37] Speaker A: Anywhere we can put one on the backyard. [00:46:40] Speaker B: Okay. [00:46:45] Speaker A: But yeah, so good job. Good news doesn't come from America. Comes from Norabi. [00:46:51] Speaker B: This is. [00:46:55] Speaker A: Know, like, the only other news I have from America. Six activists convicted of illegally blocking abortion clinic in Tennessee. That's all I have to fucking read. [00:47:06] Speaker B: Heroes do exist. [00:47:08] Speaker A: So, yeah, the police are finally doing some shit. Stop fucking with people that want to get abortions. They don't want to have babies in them. They don't want their fucking babies to grow up and fucking be like pro fucking lifers. [00:47:22] Speaker B: Tennessee, of all places, too. That just makes it even better. [00:47:26] Speaker A: They're God fearing folk out there. [00:47:28] Speaker B: It makes it better. [00:47:32] Speaker A: Then I saw, like, another one says, goose is at the center of a deadly medical helicopter crash. I just imagine it was your cat. [00:47:41] Speaker B: Why would you see that? That's mean. [00:47:44] Speaker A: Your cat's like, mom doesn't like humans. [00:47:47] Speaker B: Okay, I retract that. [00:47:50] Speaker A: But no, it was just a goose that fucking went to the rudder blades. Now on to am I the asshole by catboy in a maid outfit. Am I the asshole? Because I laughed my ass off when my mom told me her roomba fell into the pool. I'm on the phone with her as she's in her winter residence in Florida, snowbird, and she's telling me that she's cleaning her house and she left the screen door open. I'm like, where are you going with this? Because my mom kind of rambles a bit with stories that go nowhere. And then she says her roomba was missing, and when she found it was at the bottom of the pool, this completely caught me off guard, and I'm howling with laughter. And my mom's like, it's not funny. It's a $400 machine. And somehow that made it even funnier. And she's not making it easy for me because she's describing apparently it didn't die right away. For a minute, the little brush things were still going around and round like it was a dog trying to paddle its way out of there. So my mom is angry that the roomba wasn't built with some sort of safety device in case it falls in the water. Like flotation bags are supposed to pop out like Chitty Chitty bang bang or something. And at this point, I'm in literal tears from laughing so hard. So my mom's angry, the roomba's dead, and I'm probably not invited to Easter dinner. [00:49:21] Speaker B: I love that it didn't die. And also, v roombas are stupid expensive. [00:49:27] Speaker A: Not the asshole. Let's see what the comments say, though. Not the asshole. Let her be angry and send a condolence note for the dead Roomba edit buy a new roomba for Easter saying has been resurrected in Jesus name. [00:49:51] Speaker B: But the warranty on the roomba cover. [00:49:53] Speaker A: That, no, they're not going to buy a new one for idiot people. You should make a little grave for the roomba buried under all the dirt it saved from the house, and then have it break out like a zombie roomba. Just make a new roomba that looks like a zombie. Put like a little voice box on it. Brains. [00:50:23] Speaker B: Does it leave dirt behind it instead. [00:50:25] Speaker A: Of collecting this spits out dirt microchips. All right. And then a real am I the asshole story? Am I the asshole from sweet cherry pies? Am I the asshole for not telling my boyfriend I won money 15 years ago? I don't know what I did wrong or if what I did was wrong. I need some advice. I don't want to post this on my real account because I'd like it to be as anonymous as possible. My boyfriend, 35 male, and I, 35 female, were discussing finances as we wanted to be on the same page. My boyfriend moved in with me unexpectedly three months ago as his landlord decided to move into the property with his family. We were discussing finances, and the topic of how I own my own place came up. I explained, I want some money. Not a lot, but enough to put myself through nursing school, purchase my home, and have some savings back in 2009. [00:51:29] Speaker B: That's not. [00:51:31] Speaker A: I mean, back in 2009, that'd be reasonable. Like $400,000 oh. [00:51:36] Speaker B: You know what? You're right. But still nice. [00:51:39] Speaker A: Back in 2009 I bought my place outright. I rented it out until I moved into it in late 2018. Very smart. Ooh. [00:51:45] Speaker B: Nice. [00:51:46] Speaker A: Obviously I had some luck on my side as this was right in the middle of the recession. So I got my place for real cheap. He says I deceived him by giving him the impression that I was financially well off. I led him to believe I was way more business savvy than I was. I don't know how I did that because I literally work as a nurse to make decent money. Fully own my home, fully own my car, have decent retirement plans and decent savings. I'm fairly certain that I'm financially better off than most people. You are. [00:52:20] Speaker B: Oh damn. [00:52:21] Speaker A: I know he says he can't trust me anymore and he was stupid to have listened to my financial advice. But the thing is I never gave him any financial advice except telling him not to buy a car. That was, in my opinion, unreliable and much too expensive. Did I deceive him on not telling him how I got myself financially stable? FYI. We've been dating for almost a year and a breakup. [00:52:47] Speaker B: Oh my God. Girl. Oh my God. What a pussy. [00:52:53] Speaker A: If you're a dude know is insecure because a woman has more money than you. [00:52:59] Speaker B: Well there's a right way to be a. [00:53:03] Speaker A: Like I'm sure that Courtney is more fucking financially stable than me. [00:53:07] Speaker B: Like if you're going to do it at least be classy about. [00:53:11] Speaker A: Know. Courtney is like at least smarter than I am. I make more money than you though. [00:53:18] Speaker B: Oh, of course. [00:53:19] Speaker C: You mean I'm kind of lazy. I'm like really know. Right. Well I think I just got over working so hard because when I left San Diego I was working two jobs and that's basically all I did was work. And occasionally quite honestly going out to eat and stuff was the thing I did. That was fun. I didn't really do a lot of know. Then when I moved to Colorado I ended up getting that waitressing job. And I don't understand how people can be paid below the minimum wage just because they're getting tipped. That's so dumb. [00:54:08] Speaker B: No. It's fucking bullshit. [00:54:10] Speaker C: It's really weird too. [00:54:12] Speaker B: It is so weird. [00:54:14] Speaker A: See if I go out I tip pretty fucking well. I tip 50%. I mean unless it's like an insanely fucking overly priced meal. But if I'm going out to a bar anytime I go out to the bar and I'll order like $20 of drinks, I'm tipping $10. [00:54:41] Speaker B: Okay, so if I paid the same amount, tip included. But instead of me having to tip, the food costs all that much in total, and by me paying that full price in total, that meant there was more money going to the employees and they were making a minimum wage. I would be fine with being charged more, because if you're tipping, it technically could still even out. But the servers are making more money than they would have been in the first place. [00:55:02] Speaker A: I mean, I like going to the same spot all the time. Yeah, hop up, mo. That way I know who my money is going to. And I'm like, cool. I'm essentially paying friends. And if you're tipping the same people over and over again, they give you even cooler benefits. Yeah, sometimes they'll be like, oh, I forgot to put that drink on there. Oh, wow. Here's your. And so if they give me a free shot or something like that, I'm like, okay, cool. I didn't have to pay for that. Yes, mo. And so I'll pay them for it. Essentially. Like, cool. You gave me that beer for free. Boom, here you go. Now you're getting the money that I would have been paying for that beer anyway. So that adds up even more. Like, I've paid 100% on a fucking bill before, easily. But, yeah. So for this guy, not the asshole, it's jealousy. This guy's fucking jealous that he's not fucking all put together. Red flags. Get the fuck out of there, girl. [00:56:17] Speaker B: He's looking for a sugar mama. [00:56:20] Speaker A: Yeah, he was looking for someone that was really well put together. And you are. Yeah, but he wants just someone that would spec. Yeah, here's fucking money for a car. That's what he was reaching out for. [00:56:32] Speaker B: You are so right. [00:56:34] Speaker A: He wasn't being like, hey, should I buy this car? He was hoping that you beg. Oh, I'll buy you that car. You were only dating for a year and a half. Jesus Christ. [00:56:44] Speaker B: Okay. I don't think his landlord decided to move in. I think he finished the leash and forcefully moved in with her. [00:56:53] Speaker A: I mean, sometimes that does happen, but it's like, dude, just kick them the fuck out. Just be like, hey, here's your 30 days. We're breaking up. Yeah, I always hate going that route, but I feel like this is really what it comes down to. Sorry, but yes. Now on to relationship advice. By pops 42620 title my girlfriend smells 24 female and 24 female. So my girlfriend, 24 female, and I, 24 female, made it official and started telling family and friends we're dating the first time we cuddled she smelled like dog poop. I don't want to put my nose near her and the only thing I can think about being close to her. I pushed it aside. We made plans to fly that night, but I didn't think much of it. She probably didn't get the chance to shower before coming out and forgot to brush her teeth. I regrettably overlooked it completely. Today we watched a movie and cuddled. The smell wasn't as intense, but still bad. I didn't smell dog poop this time, but it was as if she wore a dirty beanie for three days straight and didn't wash her hair after. I was so disappointed because I was planning on kissing her that night and made a move but couldn't pull myself to because the unclean smell. What did I say to her? I really like her and I couldn't break up with her because we just made it official. She's kind, caring, understanding, funny and enjoy to be around. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I definitely don't want to break up with her. I see a future together, but I need something to change. Any words of advice? Tldr my amazing girlfriend smells dirty and I need advice on how to address it and there is an update to this whole fucking thing. My advice? It's like too early to shower together because you just made it official and obviously you haven't started making out or nothing, so showering together is like fucking weird. [00:59:20] Speaker B: I wonder if her girlfriend has a condition or something where she's on a medication that makes her stink because there's a medication I could be taking for my interstitial cystitis, but it would make me smell like garlic. Twenty four seven. [00:59:33] Speaker A: I love garlic, but I don't want. [00:59:35] Speaker B: To smell like garlic. Twenty four seven. [00:59:37] Speaker A: A lot of you mentioned it could be her diet, her hair, her shower habits, her mental health getting better, or her being unhygienic, her pets shower habits, or near piercings. [00:59:51] Speaker B: Oh, the new piercings. [00:59:53] Speaker A: She has diagnosed gastroentero gastroenteritis and something with her gut. So she has severe digestion issues that cause chronic pain and doesn't eat. Blah blah blah blah blah. [01:00:07] Speaker B: Oh, I'm so sorry chica. It sucks. [01:00:11] Speaker A: I had a breakup. So yeah, she has an update. To sum it up, in my last post I said my girlfriend stunk a poo. I looked past it for the first couple of times, but I broke up with her in the end. After the third, I didn't notice the smell many times. We hung out, sat in my car or the hugs we had. I smelled poo from her when it was on my head and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I felt and still feel guilty for not telling her. I saw my therapist yesterday, and after sobbing about my ex girlfriend and my life status is right now 25 days from being homeless and the other fucked up things we talk about weekly, she helped me realize I need to open up a conversation with my ex. I wrote out a few letters and put one in her mailbox last night, explaining in detail what she smelled like, where it smelled, and what times I smelled her. So she knows now. I told her I also missed her and didn't think my actions through. I told her why I broke things off and my process through it. I didn't want to attribute mental health to this. Having PTSD or any other disorder is not an excuse to be an asshole. But the exception is sex, kissing, or even holding hands put my body into survival mode. I'm not going to go write out everything that's wrong with me here, but I broke up with her because of the smell. It was a straw that broke the camel's back. I wrote the letter and put it in her mailbox last night. First thing this morning, she messaged me and said we needed to talk. We talked it out, and she's going to find a way to get rid of the smell. She forgave me and we're going to be friends. After the meantime, I work through my PTSD. [01:02:04] Speaker B: So, yeah, so brave. Therapy is important. Oh, my God. Therapy is life changing shit. [01:02:13] Speaker A: Yeah, for men. We use each other like our bros as fucking therapists. [01:02:19] Speaker B: I fucking love my therapist. [01:02:20] Speaker A: Yeah, no, other men are therapists for each other. [01:02:25] Speaker B: Everyone should go to therapy. It's the best thing. [01:02:27] Speaker A: Yeah, I do. I call like, hey, Ben, you know, my wife know a communist? He's like, yeah, they're all fucking communists. I'm like, they are? It's like, yeah, you're fucked. [01:02:46] Speaker B: Happy wife, happy life. [01:02:48] Speaker A: It's like, you just have to fucking bow down to everything she says. Otherwise you're going to be miserable. I'm like, fuck, is there anything I can do? No, it's like, okay, cool, thanks. It's like, no problem. But that's going to be it. This week, you can hit me up. Alex atruck on Instagram and Twitter or X or whatever the fuck it is. If you want to come see me next Friday, I am hosting a comedy show here in Colorado Springs. 07:00 at Salador bus. Downtown, eight East Bijou street. Come on down, Salador bus. It's the last building on the right hand side. There's a little itty bitty parking lot. So if you hear this, you can park inside that parking lot. It's fine. If you don't, there is a parking garage. Go ahead and park in that fucking parking garage. It's cheap as fuck. It's like a dollar and it's literally. [01:03:57] Speaker B: Right next to it. [01:03:58] Speaker A: It's right next to it. Come on through. Come on. Enjoy. They have excellent food. They have this bomb ass chicken bacon ranch. Chicken bacon ranch wrap with like, tortillas and shit like that comes off the grill. They have Buddha bowls, they have soup, they have beer, they have alcoholic beverages. It's not the first Friday of the month, so you can be a little bit dirty, a little bit raunchy. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be a great fucking time. I'm going to be promoting it all over Facebook. I'll probably even make a new flyer for it. Come on through. Bring your kids. Bring your wife. Bring. [01:04:42] Speaker B: Say raunchy and then say, bring your kids. [01:04:45] Speaker A: Bring your children. I'm going to teach them what fucking blumpkins are. I'm going to be like, that's how you were born. Your mom was such a dirty whore. She sucked your dad off while in the toilet seat while he was taking a massive shit. So he was getting his dick sucked while poop was coming out of his butt. Because your mom's a dirty, nasty whore. And then he fucked the shit out of her so hard, it got her pregnant that night. And then you got fucking. She got knocked up, and then you came out. And then five months later, they got a divorce because they hated each other because of you. Happy birthday. And then your mom got married to a new guy that doesn't demand blumpkins anymore. She's like, I'm no whore. So, yeah, come on through. Or if you're in Durango this next Monday, literally tomorrow at 08:00 at Starlight Lounge. I don't know the fucking address. Like 927 Main Avenue. It's a fucking bar. Just look for a bar called the Starlight Lounge. It's a little fucking sign outside that says comedy. You'll see us fucking laughing it up inside or fucking being weird as someone fucking goes on a weird rant inside. Might be me. Come on through and see me perform. And if you're hearing me from this fucking podcast, I'll buy you a beer. A beer, though. Not any fucking mixed ass drink that's going to cost me $27.01 beer. [01:06:34] Speaker B: You need to have like a code word. [01:06:37] Speaker A: Yeah, if they come up to me and be like, hey dude, I heard you on your podcast. That's the fucking code word. I heard your podcast. Can you buy me that beer? Even if you fucking come in and be like, oh shit, I heard you on the. And then you can leave. I don't give a fuck. Like oh my God, one of my podcast fucking listeners heard this shit because I don't fucking promote it on my instagram at all. I don't promote it on my Facebook or my fucking act. None of that shit. So yeah, I mean, come on through. Or you can go over to Joe's show and check that shit out. Unfortunately I can't go to that one because I have to post one or pay both, but that's it. Hate you, love you, whatever. Over and bye.