Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alrighty. Alrighty, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the human podcast.
We got my wife here.
Say hello.
[00:00:11] Speaker B: Greetings.
[00:00:12] Speaker A: We got Courtney from across the land.
[00:00:17] Speaker C: Greetings.
[00:00:18] Speaker A: And then we got me, Alex truck, your favorite host, the only host, the main guy, the one with the penis that would know the shock of the century. If Courtney is like, yeah, I have a penis, too.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: She does it.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: I mean, they're pretty awesome to have.
[00:00:45] Speaker C: I do want to get a strap on, though.
[00:00:47] Speaker A: Get one.
[00:00:48] Speaker C: Interesting.
[00:00:49] Speaker B: Yeah, get one.
[00:00:52] Speaker A: That'll be your birthday present. I'll just go get you a strap on and then, like a big old fucking dick.
[00:00:59] Speaker B: This will be perfect and back.
[00:01:01] Speaker A: Boom.
Yeah. It's like the best thing ever. You're like, this is what it's like to be a man. Oh, my gosh.
This is amazing.
And then you walk out in the middle of traffic, and I'm a man with a big cock.
You get out of my way and start beating up other dudes.
[00:01:26] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh.
[00:01:30] Speaker C: I have the funniest story. So my boss, she was with a guy, and he was like one of the Buffett. Like, he was pretty buff. He worked out all the time. But he had a micro penis.
[00:01:42] Speaker A: Yeah, that's what steroids will do to you. They'll shrink your balls, shrink your penis, shrink it all.
[00:01:47] Speaker C: Well, no, I think he did it because it was overcompensating.
Yeah.
And another story, in high school, there was this kid who had a micro one, and he thought that it was big.
[00:02:11] Speaker A: Yeah. When you don't look at Internet porn, you're like, yeah, this is okay. This is fine. And then you look at porn, you're no like, I know my penis is mean. It's not winning any awards. If I take it to the FHA fucking thing, it's like, no ribbons for that penis.
Then a bunch of black men come up, blue ribbons for all these penises. Boom, boom, boom.
Blue ribbons are like winners.
[00:02:48] Speaker B: I know.
[00:02:51] Speaker A: Well, I mean, maybe someone listening to this podcast has no idea what a blue ribbon means at like, a fucking fha thing.
[00:03:00] Speaker B: That's for, like, farmers, right? Yeah, I know.
[00:03:04] Speaker A: Four h and all that bullshit.
[00:03:05] Speaker B: Yeah, I know. I did husbandry in school. I have a general.
[00:03:10] Speaker A: Me too. I mean, I did it when I got married, but.
[00:03:14] Speaker B: Yeah, husbandry animals.
[00:03:17] Speaker A: No, I didn't do anything with them.
[00:03:19] Speaker B: Stick your arm into your stomachs.
[00:03:20] Speaker A: I didn't do anything with animals. I mean, I just became a husband. I'm like, husbandry.
I had to take a class on how to be a good husband. Don't hit the women, they don't like that too much. Unless you're in bed and she's naked and asking you to hit her.
[00:03:41] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:42] Speaker A: Alex does like mean not all the time. Like if she was ever know fucking hit me in the. I'd be, ah, no, don't ever do that.
[00:03:55] Speaker B: My face is already ugly enough.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: Well, there are women that hit me hard in the face and I'm like, I'm like, that's a trap. That is 100% a trap. If you're ever angry at me, you're just going to go to the police and make he hit me and then I'm going to jail forever.
[00:04:17] Speaker C: Alex, you have a very credible defense.
Like you have a play area in your house, don't you? And that thing that you were going.
[00:04:27] Speaker A: To build a play area in my.
[00:04:31] Speaker B: House you're going to hang section from.
[00:04:35] Speaker A: Oh yeah.
[00:04:38] Speaker C: They would totally believe you.
[00:04:43] Speaker A: They're going to still say do not hit her.
Don't leave marks.
If I'm ever to give advice on anything sexual, if you're going to have rough sex, don't leave marks where other people can see.
And women stop giving men hickeys on the neck.
I don't know what it is.
[00:05:10] Speaker B: I just thought it was something I was supposed to do and then you were like, no, babe, don't do that. And I was like, oh, I didn't know it was something I wasn't supposed.
[00:05:16] Speaker A: To do because then everyone knows.
[00:05:18] Speaker B: I didn't understand that.
[00:05:22] Speaker A: It's like every side chick is like, I'm going to give you a hickey just to see if I am the side chick. Oh my God, his Facebook is blowing the fuck up. Yeah, I was a side chick.
Now I'm the main, like, men are awful, but women that go after married.
[00:05:45] Speaker B: Dudes are just as awful.
[00:05:48] Speaker A: But it's kind of like a smart brain play because it's like if a woman's with like a single dude, that dude probably has like nine other chicks.
If she goes after a married dude, she's like, cool. I'm number two now. Women have more class than you, babe, because they don't come after me.
[00:06:13] Speaker B: Yeah, there's two rings on your finger. They know I'm crazy.
There's two rings on your finger, they know I'm crazy.
[00:06:28] Speaker A: I think it's mainly because I aggressively hit on straight dudes just to make them uncomfortable and then they end up becoming my best friend.
If I meet someone's boyfriend, this is my new boyfriend, I'm going to fucking compliment him and make him feel, like, appreciated and loved and be like, fuck, God damn it.
And then we become best friends.
Bradley's like my husband, and anytime if they're not into it, that's fine. I don't push shit. But it's like, yeah, I could take your man from you. And that's a good feeling.
[00:07:15] Speaker B: Why?
[00:07:18] Speaker A: Because it means I have it for other dudes, like girls. I'm like, you have to wave, like, white bread and starbucks and, like, $50 in front of them and be like, all right, I'm interested.
[00:07:34] Speaker B: Am I not making you feel appreciated enough?
[00:07:38] Speaker A: No.
As a dude, we don't ever get compliments.
Every dude out there can agree with this 100%. No man walks down the street, and it's like his woman's giving him compliments. They're not like, oh, yeah, she noticed that thing I did, that cool thing I did.
[00:08:03] Speaker B: What kind of compliments do you want?
[00:08:07] Speaker A: I don't give a shit about compliments, but I'll compliment other guys.
[00:08:13] Speaker B: See, but if you want to compliments, what would you want them on?
[00:08:18] Speaker A: It's a dumb thing.
I hate that I have to say it. Compliment our shirt. That's it.
If you are a guy and somebody's like, dude, nice shirt. Fucking nice shirt. I like that shirt.
And then it's like, fuck, yeah.
Makes you feel pretty good inside.
[00:08:42] Speaker B: I compliment your shirts because I'm the one who gets them all.
[00:08:46] Speaker A: Yeah, you can be like, that's a fucking nice shirt.
A fucking tub shirt, dude.
[00:08:52] Speaker B: Hell yeah, bro.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: You did a good thing. You're wearing a shirt that I got you.
[00:08:57] Speaker B: What next? Do you want compliments on?
[00:09:02] Speaker A: Yeah, your dick is huge. Like, lie to a man.
If you have a boyfriend or a husband, lie to them. Say their dick is huge.
[00:09:12] Speaker B: Okay? Like, nine out of ten times, when you say your dick is small, I defend you because your dick is not small.
[00:09:21] Speaker A: That's why all the blowjob porn, like, the women are gagging. It's like, bitch, it's not really a challenge for you. You're professional. Act like you've been there before. But it's like, for the dude, it's like, yeah, it's a challenge.
It's like, hell, yeah, this is tough for her to do.
[00:09:42] Speaker B: I hate gagging on your dick. It feels gross.
[00:09:46] Speaker A: Like, I pull it out, and she's like.
She's like, gross. Put that away.
[00:09:51] Speaker B: Yeah, it doesn't feel nice. God. I'm not choking on your dick for you. I don't love you that much.
[00:09:56] Speaker A: See, she doesn't love me.
[00:09:58] Speaker B: Okay, number three.
[00:10:00] Speaker C: Do you really want her to Barfle? Oh, I guess Alex doesn't really barf, but I don't know.
[00:10:06] Speaker A: That's why you just someone.
[00:10:09] Speaker C: Am I the asshole?
[00:10:11] Speaker A: Do not barf on my dick. That is like the opposite of what I want. That is like a diss on my dick. It's like your dick is so gross. Noticed what?
[00:10:20] Speaker B: When I vomited on your dick.
[00:10:24] Speaker A: Never ever tell me that you've ever done that.
[00:10:27] Speaker B: Okay? It only happened, like, three times. Back up. Before I was learning how to do it the right way. There were some mistakes made, but you never noticed.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: No, I'm never suck my dick ever again.
[00:10:40] Speaker B: That was years ago.
[00:10:42] Speaker C: I blocked it out of his mind.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: He needed practice.
You can't get good unless you do it a lot.
[00:10:49] Speaker A: Now I'm just off limits. Penis is off limits.
[00:10:54] Speaker B: It hasn't happened since.
[00:10:55] Speaker A: For a month.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: Oh, just for a month?
[00:10:59] Speaker A: Okay, two months. Six months.
[00:11:02] Speaker B: Okay. Two months is too much.
[00:11:05] Speaker A: Easy. See, here's the thing about dudes is you can jerk off, and then it's like, okay, cool, now I can go fucking make the world a better place.
[00:11:18] Speaker B: That's how you feel?
[00:11:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
Honestly, it's like if I'm like, oh, man, I'm so horny, and then I jerk off. 30 seconds of work, and then I'm like, oh, cool, that distraction is out of the way. It's like, oh, man, I'm so hungry. And then you get a fucking hamburger in your stomach. You're like, cool, we're good to go.
[00:11:40] Speaker B: I can't do that.
[00:11:42] Speaker A: That is the most accurate analogy ever. It's like when you are starving and you can't think of anything else. You can't work, you can't do anything. You need food so goddamn bad because you are starving to death. And then you get a burger in your belly or some pizza in your belly, and then you're like, fuck, yeah. And then you can move on with life. If you're horny as fuck and you're just like, oh. And you just crank one out and blast it on the fucking.
In the toilet or whatever. Boom. You're fucking like, all right, cool, now I can go be a human for the next 6 hours.
[00:12:18] Speaker B: Food is good.
[00:12:20] Speaker A: It's pretty fucking tits.
[00:12:22] Speaker B: I like it when I like the food.
[00:12:27] Speaker A: I don't know how it is for women. If you can just flick your bean, like, three times, I'm like, all right, we're good to go.
[00:12:33] Speaker B: Okay, so I hate masturbating. I flat out hate it. I almost never do it. Because a, it feels gross, and B, it takes forever.
[00:12:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:43] Speaker B: That's why so long. It's not worth it as a dude.
[00:12:49] Speaker A: No dude has ever looked in the mirror while they're just jerking off solo. Like, if they're in the bathroom, you cover the fucking mirror. You paint that shit black because you do not want to see what's going to fucking look you back in the mirror.
[00:13:03] Speaker B: And it's so boring because it's nothing like when we actually have sex. So it's just like, it is pointless. I hate doing it.
It's gross.
[00:13:14] Speaker A: Jerking off, masturbating.
[00:13:17] Speaker B: Yeah, it's gross. Okay. There's bacteria down there.
So much bacteria.
[00:13:24] Speaker C: You are so hilarious. You used a freaking, like, one of those multi pens on your bed.
[00:13:31] Speaker B: I know, Courtney. I had absolutely no education. I had to figure out so much on my own, and it was not fun.
[00:13:38] Speaker C: Like, when I lived with you in Colorado, I found one left on your bed.
Oh, my.
[00:13:48] Speaker B: It just takes so long. Even with toys, it is just not worth the effort.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: You get the vibrating one.
[00:13:55] Speaker B: It doesn't.
[00:13:57] Speaker A: I feel like you're just lazy with it.
Women just don't give men enough credit for fucking throwing it down. Back. Boom.
[00:14:08] Speaker B: I can't speak for other women. I just know how I feel about it, and it's gross.
I have to touch so much bacteria at work. Why is there that just much on my body?
The damp opening?
[00:14:26] Speaker A: Yeah. There's times where I'll get to my hotel and it's on the fucking itinerary, but then I'll take a nap because that fucking just takes precedence over jerking off.
[00:14:38] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:39] Speaker A: That's the thing that I never saw coming when I was getting older. Is fucking taking a nap would take precedence over jerking off in the hotel? I'm like, what the fuck happened to me?
[00:14:50] Speaker B: Sleeping is so good.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: Oh, I'll be on top of the sheets and just fucking. And then get, like, a two hour fucking deep african sleep. And then wake up. I'm like, fuck, I got to go now.
[00:15:06] Speaker B: What does deep african mean?
[00:15:09] Speaker A: Just like that deep, primordial fucking sleep.
[00:15:12] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:15:16] Speaker A: Didgeridoo sleep.
[00:15:18] Speaker B: Didgeridos aren't in south. What did you. Redoos are in Australia.
You're talking about Africa?
[00:15:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:27] Speaker B: They are non touching continents. I'm sure they have similar instruments, but.
[00:15:32] Speaker A: Didgeridoo is australian african didgeridoo.
[00:15:37] Speaker B: I'm not saying there is not the same. What is it called there?
[00:15:41] Speaker A: A didgeridoo?
[00:15:42] Speaker B: What? Aw, man.
Well, I was high and mighty there for a few moments. Wasn't I?
[00:15:49] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, most of it's, like, Australian, but yeah, we just sent a bunch of prisoners over there.
[00:15:54] Speaker B: What was that? I had this CD for a while that was didgeridoo, but it was like techno, so it was like the beginnings of.
[00:16:05] Speaker A: EDM.
[00:16:06] Speaker B: Edm. I always want to say the therapy one now, but it was the beginnings and it was cool as shit. God, I missed that CD. Who even has CDs anymore? I don't even have a CD player in my car. Don't be a dick.
[00:16:22] Speaker A: I mean, I do.
What sucks for me is in my car, I have an anti theft unit, which is stupid because you have to unscrew, like, a million screws to even get it out.
[00:16:39] Speaker B: Oh, I thought they were just lights that flashed. They actually do stuff.
[00:16:45] Speaker A: So if you were to take it out and put it into your own car, you need a code.
You need to input a code in order for the radio to work. Otherwise it says, go fuck yourself.
[00:17:00] Speaker B: I thought it was just like.
[00:17:02] Speaker A: It was just like little anti theft.
[00:17:05] Speaker B: An actual thing. What does it do?
What power is it? The car is off. Is there a battery?
[00:17:12] Speaker A: Yeah. So when the battery drains to zero, it asks for the password again. I do not remember what the password is. I used to know it and I can.
[00:17:22] Speaker C: You can go to a shop and they'll let you know and how to overstay it and stuff.
[00:17:26] Speaker A: No.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: What? No, that's like asking Alex to ask for directions. It's not happening.
[00:17:34] Speaker A: Well, no, you cannot go to a shop. They do not know.
You literally have to go to the manufacturer of a 20 year old car and be like, hey, what was this code again?
[00:17:46] Speaker B: It's that hard to crack.
[00:17:48] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, it's six numbers.
[00:17:51] Speaker B: My grandmother did it.
[00:17:53] Speaker C: My grandma had to do it for her car.
[00:17:56] Speaker A: Yeah, your grandma, probably.
Her car is a horse, so she's old.
[00:18:08] Speaker C: No, it was a newer car.
[00:18:11] Speaker A: Yeah. No, for the newer cars. Yeah. That's a completely separate thing. No, I have a code that is just for my car.
What does this do? I have six digits and five numbers.
[00:18:27] Speaker B: So is that what makes the horn go off?
[00:18:29] Speaker A: No.
[00:18:30] Speaker B: Okay, wait, then what makes the horn go off?
[00:18:33] Speaker A: That's a completely separate system. But the one that's blinking on your radio that goes pretty much is like, hey, fuck you. You cannot use this.
And then if you try and go into a dealership and be like, hey, what's this code? They're like, hey, this isn't for you.
And then they can catch you.
[00:18:53] Speaker B: So that's how I'd get Sheila back if she was.
[00:18:56] Speaker A: Nope. Oh, if they stole your radio.
[00:19:00] Speaker B: Oh.
What does the radio have to do with anything? I'm so confused.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: The anti theft is for the radio only.
[00:19:08] Speaker B: I thought we were talking about it for the car.
[00:19:11] Speaker A: Back in the day, radios were a fucking hot commodity.
[00:19:14] Speaker B: Well, yes, of course they were the newest technology of their time.
[00:19:19] Speaker C: Can't you just get a new radio?
[00:19:21] Speaker A: Yeah, but they were expensive back then. Oh, yeah, they were wildly expensive back then. And you can fucking steal someone's radio, put it into somebody else's car, charge them fucking like $200. You're out of radio. So now you can't listen to music with the shit that you bought in your car? Yeah, and you have to now go buy a new one. It fucking sucks. Say, put antitheft shit on the radio because it's one of the easiest things to steal that cannot be tracked.
And the police won't do anything about it because they don't give a shit.
[00:19:56] Speaker B: Okay, so it's not like a microchip.
[00:20:01] Speaker A: There's microchips in the radio, but no, honestly, I think about just going. Getting a new fucking radio all the time. Let me see.
[00:20:13] Speaker B: Oh, my God, I'm going to be so pissed if the mechanics like, yeah, it's your speaker. And I have to get new speakers.
[00:20:18] Speaker A: It is your speaker.
[00:20:19] Speaker B: You told me it wasn't my speaker.
[00:20:22] Speaker A: Yeah, no, your fucking shit's probably just rattling. He's probably going to tell you it's your speaker, though. That way you can make more money because you're a dumb woman.
[00:20:33] Speaker B: He's also going to pick this thing up top, though.
[00:20:37] Speaker A: Just tape it.
Let me see.
1998 Honda Accord radio.
According to West Amazon.
Just give me to Amazon, please. Jesus Christ.
[00:20:56] Speaker B: I have a few skills that can help. Do you need Amazon story, son?
[00:21:00] Speaker A: Oh, that's hilarious.
[00:21:02] Speaker B: Yeah, it is.
[00:21:03] Speaker C: You said my thing is named Amazon, so it responded.
I'm not wearing headphones.
[00:21:10] Speaker A: Yeah, legitimately. $30.38 if I want a detachable face.
[00:21:18] Speaker B: So can you install it yourself or do you need to go to a.
[00:21:20] Speaker A: Shop and I can install it myself very easily.
It's just a lot of cords back there, but yeah, and then they had detachable faces, so if you took that with you inside.
[00:21:33] Speaker B: I remember that.
[00:21:35] Speaker A: So, yeah, they just had like an easily boom. And then the radio is completely fucking useless without that fucking face.
So that was another thing. But $38, it's like, yeah, fuck it. Why not just buy another one? Who cares? And no one's now stealing fucking car radios. I don't give a shit anymore.
[00:21:55] Speaker B: So no one told me. What? That was the first time it popped off. I thought I broke it, and I was really scared to tell anybody. Then one day you mentioned something, and I was like, oh, wait. It just pops back on. You were like, yeah, and you popped it back on for me. And after that, I wasn't worried that I'd broken it.
[00:22:11] Speaker A: Yeah, no, they just pop on and off. Yours is locked on.
[00:22:15] Speaker B: Well, I'm talking about the Dakota.
[00:22:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:22:20] Speaker B: Was that my old car?
[00:22:22] Speaker A: Probably.
[00:22:23] Speaker B: It was purple.
[00:22:27] Speaker A: But I definitely have enough room in my car to have the fucking full screen, so I could do that. But I'm not going to. There's no fucking point.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: No.
[00:22:39] Speaker A: Well, I mean, I only drive my car fucking like, 10 miles a week.
[00:22:43] Speaker B: Yeah. No, you barely use it.
Like, workhorse. Serves your purpose. Fine.
[00:22:49] Speaker A: And then the radio in my truck works great.
[00:22:53] Speaker B: Exactly.
Spend more time in the truck.
[00:22:56] Speaker A: Honestly, I just play fucking, like, podcasts when I drive just out of the fucking phone speaker, and I'm like, cool, good enough.
You want your other beer?
[00:23:06] Speaker B: Yes, please.
[00:23:11] Speaker A: And it's fucking great.
There you go.
[00:23:17] Speaker B: Thank you so much.
[00:23:22] Speaker A: But let's get into some fucking stories because we've been gibbering and jabbering long enough.
Florida is in the fucking news.
Apparently, leprosy is back.
I didn't know that the Bible diseases were real.
That's pretty cool.
I mean, Jesus is probably on his way back. He's like, fucking do all the diseases, so I feel comfortable when I get there.
[00:23:54] Speaker B: What did you call it? The Bible what?
[00:23:57] Speaker A: The Bible diseases.
[00:24:01] Speaker B: This is the best thing I've heard all day.
[00:24:04] Speaker A: It's leprosy. It's a Bible disease.
[00:24:06] Speaker B: I got to tell all my coworkers. This is amazing.
Oh, God.
[00:24:12] Speaker A: But according to the World Health Organization, about 200,000 cases occur every year in 120 countries worldwide.
[00:24:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:22] Speaker A: And are often associated with contacts with armadillos. What the fuck? I've never seen an armadillo in life.
[00:24:30] Speaker B: Wait, is it an armadillo or is it an armadillo?
[00:24:33] Speaker A: An armadillo, but it's got two L's. An armadillo.
[00:24:39] Speaker B: But quesadilla.
[00:24:42] Speaker A: That's an armadillo. It's an armadillo. The little know round thing from.
[00:24:48] Speaker B: Yes, I know. They're disgusting.
[00:24:50] Speaker A: They're great. I mean, it turned into a ball.
[00:24:53] Speaker B: They also have rattails.
[00:24:55] Speaker A: The road to El Dorado. That was a great movie.
[00:24:59] Speaker B: The one with the blonde dude and the black haired dude, the priestess who was, like, on point?
[00:25:05] Speaker A: Yeah. Shoot. There's one in fuck both of them. They're like, oh, white guys. Yeah, come get this pussy.
[00:25:13] Speaker B: What? No, don't say it like that.
[00:25:15] Speaker A: She was like, yeah, come get it. And the white guy is like, I'm going to get it.
I'm like, why isn't there more? Just fucking, like, on fleek. Fucking chicks just, like, fucking throw pussy at these two guys. Just, like, fucking bring hella pussy. And then that way she knew how.
[00:25:36] Speaker B: To get what she wanted, and that was, like, major respect. She didn't even try to hide it. She was like, yeah, I know precisely how to get what I want.
[00:25:44] Speaker A: Yeah, it's every fucking time. That's a major trope in every fucking stupid ass thing. It's like, two guys will fight over one girl big. It's like, hey, guys, she has a couple holes. You can fuck her at the same time if you want.
[00:26:01] Speaker B: Can I tell my favorite joke?
[00:26:03] Speaker A: What's your favorite joke?
[00:26:04] Speaker B: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
[00:26:06] Speaker A: Oh, my Jesus.
[00:26:07] Speaker B: Keep the tip.
[00:26:11] Speaker A: There is 159 new cases of leprosy in 2020, a fifth of which were in Florida.
[00:26:19] Speaker B: That makes complete sense, in my opinion.
[00:26:22] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:26:27] Speaker A: Florida reported ten cases of leprosy every year between 2002 and 2014. This arose 29 new cases in 2015. And it's been fucking going up and up. How are they fucking with armadillos out there?
[00:26:45] Speaker B: Because we need population control, and if we're going to kill off our predators, our own genes are going to mutate and destroy us. This is supposed to be happening.
[00:26:55] Speaker A: Well, yeah. Just let leprosy fucking kill Florida. It's fine.
[00:26:58] Speaker B: Is leprosy a virus or a bacteria?
[00:27:01] Speaker A: It's a disease also known as Hansen's disease, caused by bacteria.
[00:27:06] Speaker B: Bacteria.
[00:27:09] Speaker A: Myobacterium lapre and myobacterium lapromotosis. I said those wrong.
[00:27:19] Speaker B: You said them better than I could. I'm not going to lie.
[00:27:21] Speaker A: I guarantee you there's going to be some nerd that's like, no, it's.
Shut up, nerd. No one cares how it's actually said it's leprosy, and it's like a disease that makes your dicks fall off.
Other symptoms can include numbness or weakness in hands and feet, nerve damage, and in severe cases, deformities and disabilities. Oh, no.
[00:27:51] Speaker B: What if I have leprosy?
[00:27:52] Speaker A: You have leprosy.
[00:27:53] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:27:54] Speaker A: You don't actually have autism. You just have leprosy.
That's the disability gave you.
You need to go get fucking tested for leprosy right now.
[00:28:04] Speaker B: Is there actual cure for leprosy because. Okay. Yeah, I thought once you have it, you're dead.
[00:28:11] Speaker A: That guy's fucking hand is fucked.
[00:28:14] Speaker B: Okay, so I should start watching for that.
[00:28:17] Speaker A: Yeah. If your hand. Well, it shows this curable, I'm sure it is. Is it just chop off the fucking hand. That's all bacteria up.
I'm sure it's so fucking curable, it's like, wash your hands, you dirty motherfucker. And it's like. It goes away.
[00:28:35] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:28:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:28:37] Speaker C: It's treated with six to twelve months of multidrug therapy. So you have to take a ton.
[00:28:43] Speaker B: Of.
[00:28:45] Speaker C: Steroids and antibiotics.
[00:28:48] Speaker B: Holy shit. Medical science has come so far in the last 30 years. It's incredible.
[00:28:56] Speaker A: Honestly. If you're getting infected by an armadillo, you deserve to die.
Honestly, I feel like you should go to the CDC and they should just lock you into a room and watch you fucking rot.
[00:29:10] Speaker C: Oh, my gosh. That's so dumb.
[00:29:12] Speaker B: No, it's not armadillo.
[00:29:13] Speaker C: What if it's in the road and you move it to be nice?
[00:29:16] Speaker A: No, do not ever be nice. That's what you get. You get dead for being nice. Never be nice, especially to an armadillo.
[00:29:24] Speaker C: Get Simonilla from turtles and other animals.
[00:29:28] Speaker A: If there's a fucking turtle on the road, I aim my tire for it. I'm like, it's going to be quick and painless. Pop. Done.
I'm not sitting here fucking back. I'm going to be nice to the turtle. I'm going to be nice to the thing.
Dogs love it when I fucking show up because it's just blood and guts and gore underneath my truck because I just hit all the shit.
[00:29:53] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Like monkeys. Get it from armadillos, too. Or armadillos.
[00:29:58] Speaker A: Armadillos.
[00:29:59] Speaker B: Armadillos are not a thing, but it sounds nicer.
[00:30:02] Speaker A: That does not. That's the worst thing ever.
[00:30:06] Speaker B: What if I said parallel like that?
[00:30:09] Speaker A: How would you say parallel? Yeah, you can't.
[00:30:12] Speaker B: Perry. Perry.
[00:30:13] Speaker A: No, that's not even close.
[00:30:14] Speaker B: Perry. Perry.
[00:30:16] Speaker A: It's like a japanese word. Oh, so you know it's close to a japanese word. It's not yapeti.
[00:30:27] Speaker B: That sounded better than me.
[00:30:29] Speaker A: Well, that is a phrase. Yapeti is. I knew it.
And I'm sure japanese people are listening to this. What is he saying? It's like. I don't know, but I'm learning English.
[00:30:44] Speaker B: Squirrels get it, too, but it's not a zoonotic form.
[00:30:49] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, like, there's a lot more words on the page that I'm just, like, not saying, like, somebody at CSU.
[00:30:56] Speaker B: CSU. WHOOP, WHOOP.
[00:30:59] Speaker A: I don't think it's our CSU.
[00:31:03] Speaker B: No. We have a big ass Charlote veterinary program.
[00:31:07] Speaker A: Avonzi did some genome sequencing.
[00:31:11] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:31:15] Speaker A: That's an armadillo right there. That thing right there. That little cute little fucking button nose, all that.
Like, I feel like it has, like, razor teeth, and it just bites off fingers.
I would never fuck with it. It's, like, so close to a penguin, which caused fucking COVID-19 don't fuck with scaly rodent things. That's what you get. If you fucking touch an armadillo and you get leprosy. You deserve it. Don't touch things that are not yours. Those belong to God.
And then on to the crazy, the actual crazy fucking Florida story. A Florida man was rushed into the hospital early Sunday morning after a hunter mistook him for a turkey and shot him multiple times.
The Burnell Police Department said they were dispatched around 07:46 a.m. Sunday to Old Hawk Creek Road.
911 caller claims they believe they are shooting in an animal. How do you fuck that up?
Now, if you are out in a hunting land, you are supposed to be wearing flame orange.
If he was not wearing his flame orange, that's on you 100%.
When you get your hunting license here in the United States, you have to do these stupid classes. They're like, wear your flame orange. Wear your flame orange hat. Wear your flame orange vest.
Make sure your other hunters know you are okay.
[00:32:59] Speaker B: You get leprosy from armadills if you touch their poop or touch soil that their poop has been covered in. It's fecal to oral.
[00:33:07] Speaker A: I'm pretty sure these Floridians are just.
[00:33:10] Speaker B: Wash your fucking hands, and you won't get it.
[00:33:12] Speaker A: Wash your fucking hands, you dirty motherfuckers. Wash them. Like, literally, I was at the bar yesterday taking a piss. I walked in, took a fucking piss, and the guy that was also in the bathroom with me just left, just not washed his hands, fucking grabbed his cock all over and then left.
At least pretend to wash your hands.
You can let the water run and be like, I did it.
[00:33:44] Speaker B: Sometimes I do that. I just let the water run and pretend.
[00:33:48] Speaker A: Everyone does that. Everyone is guilty of doing that shit from time to time.
[00:33:53] Speaker B: Peace. Basically. Sterile.
[00:33:56] Speaker A: Yeah, but your pussy is not.
[00:33:57] Speaker B: I know, but it just has to shoot through. It's not like staying there for a hot minute.
[00:34:02] Speaker A: See, as a dude, you're like a firefighter, and you have to grab hold of the tip and aim it. Otherwise it's a fucking nightmare.
[00:34:12] Speaker B: I would assume you have to assist with aiming.
[00:34:16] Speaker A: I mean, sometimes I'll just sit to piss. If I'm in my own house in the morning, I just go in and sit to piss. It's fine.
[00:34:26] Speaker B: It's weird to see it, though, sometimes. I'm not going to lie.
[00:34:29] Speaker A: To see me sit while I piss?
[00:34:31] Speaker B: Yeah, it's weird. Sorry.
[00:34:33] Speaker A: Yeah. What if I'm taking a shit too? You never know.
[00:34:36] Speaker B: That's different. And yes, I know.
I've seen your poop face.
[00:34:42] Speaker A: My poop face? It's a thing now. My poop face.
[00:34:47] Speaker B: Now you'll look at me and you're trying to act like it's not, but it is. And you have your face and you're trying to hide it, so you get all smirky and that makes it even more obvious.
[00:34:57] Speaker A: Poop face.
[00:35:00] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:35:02] Speaker A: I didn't know I had a poop face.
[00:35:04] Speaker B: You have a poop face. Congratulations.
[00:35:06] Speaker A: Jesus Christ.
Like, lock the door now.
Yeah. So I guess this guy has been shot to fucking shit with birdshot, which is fine because it does damage. Do not get me wrong, it will fuck you up, but it's not meant to fucking destroy shit. It's meant to kill birds, not people, dinosaurs. It'll pepper you up nicely.
[00:35:38] Speaker B: Like peppered? Like cooking?
[00:35:40] Speaker A: Yeah.
It's a bunch of tiny little pellets.
[00:35:45] Speaker B: So is it Salt Bay?
[00:35:47] Speaker A: Kind of, yeah.
Because the shotgun, like, right there, I have slugs. I have double ot, and that's pretty much it.
And the slugs are going to fucking destroy everything.
It's going to kill that bird. It's going to kill the bird behind it. It's going to kill the people behind it, everything.
And also, you can't use that for hunting.
I can use that gun for hunting, but I don't have the correct shells for hunting.
What?
[00:36:32] Speaker B: I'm just making sure chai chi is not being a dick.
[00:36:34] Speaker A: Yeah, he always.
Apparently, like, this dude was just out fucking around and finding out. So good job, Florida man.
You're not going to die. You're just going to have an embarrassing story about how you got shot to shit with birdshot out in the middle of fucking nowhere.
[00:36:57] Speaker B: I hope the scars look cool.
[00:37:00] Speaker A: Not really.
[00:37:01] Speaker B: At least for their benefit.
[00:37:05] Speaker A: Also, solar eclipse is coming. Everybody get ready for the solar eclipse. And everyone to start talking about the solar eclipse.
And Oklahoma's National Guard is going to be deployed due to the solar eclipse on April eigth. So like a week after the first April fools.
But they're going to get an influx of visitors and all kinds of fucking other dumb bullshit. And so they're bringing out the National Guard to keep order for like the six minutes that the fucking solar eclipse is going to actually be there.
[00:37:48] Speaker B: I don't know what's more stupid about this.
[00:37:54] Speaker A: Like, honestly, I'm going to probably forget. I'm going to probably be inside and be like, oh, yeah, I didn't even.
[00:37:58] Speaker B: Know we had an eclipse coming up. They're so common. They happen like, all the fucking time.
[00:38:03] Speaker A: I remember I was in a solar eclipse. I'm like, oh, what is that neat? And then I kept playing, that was a solar eclipse.
You're only going to see that like 20 more times in your life.
[00:38:18] Speaker B: Like, one time at my last job, everyone's like, oh, the eclipse. And so we're literally in the middle of the fucking day and all of a sudden everyone just walks out the clinic with their special glasses on and I'm just like, what the fuck?
[00:38:29] Speaker A: Oh, no, you have those retards.
[00:38:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:32] Speaker A: Christ.
[00:38:33] Speaker B: Yeah. And I was like, we have appointments right now. Like, we are on a time schedule. And everyone's like, talking about the clips afterwards and I'm just like, are your lives that boring?
[00:38:44] Speaker A: Yeah, their lives are that boring.
[00:38:46] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:38:47] Speaker A: This is white people shit.
[00:38:48] Speaker B: It is such white people shit. And even I'm not here for it.
[00:38:52] Speaker A: I guarantee you fucking people are going to step outside the clinic when it happens.
[00:38:56] Speaker B: God, disappointment.
[00:38:58] Speaker A: Yes, be disappointed. Get ready for it. So, yeah, they're all going to come the fuck on out there.
[00:39:07] Speaker B: Riots in the street.
[00:39:10] Speaker A: But yeah, Beaver Bend State park is recommended for viewing the eclipse. So if you really want to see it, go out there.
[00:39:20] Speaker B: They're preparing for it.
You may be shot.
[00:39:25] Speaker A: I hope they just shoot them all. Yeah, I hope they shoot every fucking retarded tourist that comes to look at the fucking sun being eclipsed by the fucking moon.
Yes. Hop up, Mochi.
Hello.
Is your brother being a dickhead to you?
[00:39:44] Speaker B: Yes, he is, I'm sure.
[00:39:45] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:39:45] Speaker B: No doubt.
Why do I have a rage doll? Not a rag doll.
[00:39:51] Speaker A: You have a rage doll.
The Myriada police Department has been using Lego heads to digitally go on the photos of suspects.
So they've been taking pictures of suspects and Lego is having a field day with this and being very upset.
[00:40:11] Speaker B: This is hilarious.
And this is like an excellent way to deal with animonity.
Well, this is fucking hilarious. I love this. This is best thing ever. Oh, my God. With like the fucking whatever the hell that's called where they all stand behind the bars. That's even better.
[00:40:29] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, they have to cover the faces because it's like, you're innocent until proven guilty in the court of law.
[00:40:34] Speaker B: This is amazing.
[00:40:40] Speaker A: But on January 1, a new law went into effect that restricts how and when law enforcement agencies in California share suspects photos and mugshots.
The new law now prohibits law enforcement from sharing suspects photos for nonviolent crimes unless specified circumstances exist.
[00:41:03] Speaker B: I love this. This is amazing.
[00:41:07] Speaker A: Additionally, new law requires agencies to remove suspects mugshots from social media after 14 days unless special circumstances exist.
[00:41:17] Speaker B: Yes.
Fucking love this.
[00:41:22] Speaker A: But, yeah, so they've been, like, just putting Lego heads digitally over the faces.
[00:41:26] Speaker B: This is the best thing ever.
[00:41:27] Speaker A: And now Lego is like, stop doing that.
[00:41:32] Speaker B: No, this is the best thing ever.
God, corporate companies can be so lame.
[00:41:38] Speaker A: They are. Yeah, of course they are.
[00:41:39] Speaker B: Fuck, they're so lame.
This is amazing. Especially the dude who has. Especially the one that has a better beard than. You see that nice one? Like, number four? Like, it's nice trim.
[00:41:52] Speaker A: Yeah, but it's a ginger beard. And he doesn't have a soul, and he's going to go to hell.
[00:41:55] Speaker B: You think you have a soul?
[00:41:57] Speaker A: I sold it for a bag of chips.
[00:41:59] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:42:00] Speaker A: I was hungry.
[00:42:01] Speaker B: Like, potato chips or like, potato chips.
[00:42:04] Speaker A: Potato chips.
[00:42:05] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:42:09] Speaker A: And now your apples are getting in trouble. Apple's green bubble message draws the wrath of us attorney general.
[00:42:19] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:42:20] Speaker A: Because they've fucking monopolized how their fucking phones worked illegally.
[00:42:27] Speaker B: I already know Apple's a monopoly. I don't need to be told that.
[00:42:31] Speaker A: Yeah, that's illegal to do.
[00:42:33] Speaker B: I didn't need to be told that. I know that.
[00:42:35] Speaker A: And also, fucking. I have to say this, Apple, your.
[00:42:39] Speaker B: Fucking texts suck if you have an Android. Yeah, they suck.
[00:42:44] Speaker A: No, that just means I'm coming in with a better fucking text message program than you are. Your shit is not fucking encrypted or anything.
[00:42:55] Speaker B: I don't care if it's not encrypted.
[00:43:00] Speaker A: Yeah. I can honestly probably download an app that makes it to where I show up blue or green or whatever the fuck.
[00:43:08] Speaker B: Yeah, no, babe, you're green because you're an Android.
[00:43:11] Speaker A: I'm green because I'm safe and I'm good.
[00:43:18] Speaker B: I've literally seen a post where it's like, two people texting each other, like, first time ever, and the dude texts something and the chick's like, green bubbles. And that's it.
[00:43:31] Speaker A: Yeah, fucking. You have a phone that's made out of glass. They'll shatter if it hits a pillow.
[00:43:37] Speaker B: My phone's like seven years old and it's still running great.
[00:43:42] Speaker A: My phone's like five years old. It's still running great.
[00:43:45] Speaker B: Exactly. There's no reason to update until your phone's like, broke. Broke. Like all these people who update to the new one. I'm just like, okay, sure, mine works great when it breaks. Finally, I'll buy the latest one and that'll be it. You buy technology, it is old, so you might as well stick with what you know.
[00:44:04] Speaker A: I really hope that boomer. Yeah, you are a fucking boomer.
[00:44:09] Speaker B: Technology is like, not my best friend.
[00:44:13] Speaker A: But yeah, you have.
[00:44:18] Speaker B: Exposed too late in my life to it.
[00:44:26] Speaker A: But yeah, fucking. You've illegally monopolized your cell phone market and made your text. Fucking shit.
[00:44:37] Speaker B: And so what's going to happen?
[00:44:41] Speaker A: Apple's now touting planned RCS support. So all my fucking texts are going to be the new primary color.
We're already ahead of you.
[00:44:55] Speaker B: I don't want all my text to be green. I don't like the color green. I want mine to be blue.
[00:45:01] Speaker A: Oh, that's the fun part about Android is I can make my bubbles look like whatever the fuck I want.
So if I want my bubbles to have skeletons in them and shit, that's cool. I can do that because, let's see, text themes.
[00:45:29] Speaker B: I don't know honestly how much I care about this. I don't care if your phone's better than my phone. I'm happy with my iPhone. It's what I know. I got an Android once and I suffered for like nine months. I could not figure out how it worked. It was dreadful, everything. Like, I couldn't learn a new system. I just wasn't able to do it. I had to go back to what I already knew.
[00:45:50] Speaker A: See, like, I could make them all fucking pink like that.
[00:45:52] Speaker B: I cannot adapt to a new phone, so I might as well be happy.
[00:45:57] Speaker A: And thus I am, because you have to be happy.
[00:45:59] Speaker B: Well, yeah, I don't have a choice. I've already tried adapting to a new system and it didn't work.
It did not work.
Like having to learn a whole different set of hand motions and how the buttons worked.
It was impossible for me. It was impossible.
[00:46:17] Speaker A: As a tech person myself, I can tell you this, your phone sucks.
[00:46:22] Speaker B: I'm aware of that. But I cannot adapt, so I might as well be happy.
[00:46:28] Speaker A: I can do all kinds of fucking cool shit. And it's like, if you want to do anything with your phone, go fuck yourself. Apple locks it down.
[00:46:36] Speaker B: I don't care. I know how to work this phone, and that's all that matters.
[00:46:42] Speaker A: I mean, if that's know, keeps you happy at night. Cool.
[00:46:46] Speaker B: Yes. I need simplicity.
[00:46:49] Speaker A: I mean, pretty much apple should just sell the leapfrog. And then it's like, big button. It's like, good job you turned on the phone.
It's like, hey, siri, make a phone call. It's like, oh, it seems like you want to call somebody. You want to call your mom, your husband, or your boss.
[00:47:11] Speaker B: So I read this study about this one chick. I think it was baboons, actually. But basically, she noticed that the younger ones, they would pick up a rock or something, like, they would learn a specific skill that none of the other parts that none of the others knew, like, they made their own new talent. And she noticed that monkeys over the years of eight years old who did not do that were not as smart as the ones who learned that trick before they were eight years old. And so for me, that translate to, I was exposed to this technology too late. So I am unable to learn it with as much ease as someone else who was exposed to it earlier can.
[00:47:50] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:47:50] Speaker B: I am limited.
That's okay.
I can't help it. Doesn't bother me none.
[00:48:00] Speaker A: This next story concerns you, Courtney.
Yep. This is for California.
California Highway Patrol says imaginary friends don't count in the carpool lane.
[00:48:14] Speaker B: What?
[00:48:15] Speaker A: Bay area driver. Busted.
[00:48:17] Speaker B: Yes.
Oh, my God. My mom did this? Yes.
[00:48:21] Speaker A: A person attempted to use an imaginary friend to evade tolls while driving in the express lane on Interstate 880. The driver is pulled over Wednesday about 03:00 p.m. In the northbound direction near Industrial Boulevard and Hayward.
[00:48:39] Speaker B: Oh, my God. How long did this person get away with this?
[00:48:42] Speaker A: Probably years.
[00:48:43] Speaker B: Oh, my God. This is my hero.
[00:48:46] Speaker A: The officer stopped the driver because the fast track transponder on the car, the device that sends an electric signal for toll collection, indicated there are three occupants in the vehicle, but the officer can clearly see there is only one.
[00:49:07] Speaker B: Ah.
[00:49:12] Speaker A: The dynamic pricing, which varies according to how many drivers are using the lane.
[00:49:18] Speaker B: Can be as high as in San Fran.
[00:49:21] Speaker A: Yeah. No, the bridges.
[00:49:24] Speaker B: Stupid.
[00:49:25] Speaker A: Ridiculously expensive. And it has giant signs, so you know your fate. And the only thing that's worse is when you're coming up to the gate and it's like $8, and it's like, okay, I can do that. That's fine. And then you're getting closer and closer. It goes, $12.
It's like, oh, no, it's stupid.
[00:49:50] Speaker B: And they're getting away with it, which is why this person is a hero. This is a Robin Hood. Oh, my God. I love this person.
[00:49:58] Speaker A: If the transponder is not set to the correct number of occupants drivers face a citation of $238.
Only real people count.
[00:50:08] Speaker B: Only real people count.
[00:50:09] Speaker A: I guarantee you California is going to do some dumb bullshit. Be like, imaginary lives matter. Imaginary lives matter. It's San Francisco.
It's San Francisco. I guarantee you this guy is going to have people protesting for his cause.
[00:50:24] Speaker B: My imaginary friends were so intense.
[00:50:29] Speaker A: And then here's the first story I saw that I had to click on. It doesn't have anything to really do with it. Anything. It just says, beef over McDonald's fries leads to brawl between tow truck drivers and sheriff's deputies.
[00:50:44] Speaker B: I'm already pleased a tow truck driver.
[00:50:47] Speaker A: Upset with his french fry order got into an argument with staff at McDonald's Thursday. According to the Sanford County Sheriff's Office two Virginia sheriff's deputies were injured and five employees of a tow truck company were charged after a brawl that began over McDonald's french fries. Okay, I have to say this. Those french fries are not that good anymore.
[00:51:12] Speaker B: They're only good if they're crispy. If they're soft, they're shit.
[00:51:16] Speaker A: I almost fucking got a shamrock shake, like on the way home today.
[00:51:20] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, because you're going to have me try it.
[00:51:22] Speaker A: Yeah, we'll get one tomorrow.
[00:51:25] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Because we're leaving the house.
[00:51:27] Speaker A: Yeah. So when we're on our way out, we will fucking stop by Mickey D's and grab us a shamrock shake.
[00:51:36] Speaker B: This is some trouble with tribbles. Brawl, fight vibes.
[00:51:41] Speaker A: They don't even really say what the fuck happened. I guarantee you the fries were not crispy or some shit. Enough.
[00:51:49] Speaker B: It's gross if they're not crispy.
[00:51:53] Speaker A: I like soft fries. I like to pour them in my mouth. I like to waterfall the fries from the fucking little cup into my mouth. I'm like, oh, this is the fattest shit. I guarantee you. There's somebody looking at me as I'm doing it. Like, oh, my God, that guy is such a fat piece of shit. I hope I watch him die right now. And I don't die. And they're disappointed.
But, yeah, apparently they're having a fucking fight with the people at McDonald's. People at McDonald's called the cops. Cops show up, they start fighting the cops.
[00:52:31] Speaker B: Not a good decision.
[00:52:32] Speaker A: Never a good decision. And they fought the law, and the law won.
[00:52:38] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:52:39] Speaker A: So, yeah, don't ever fucking do that. Especially tow truck drivers, you idiots. I hope this fucking tow company retaliates and just starts, like, dropping cars, like, all up in their lot.
[00:52:51] Speaker B: That'd be hilarious.
[00:52:52] Speaker A: Just like, they just show up in the middle of the night, fucking fill that entire bitch up, like, every spot that.
[00:52:59] Speaker B: I'm so sorry. I can't hold it.
[00:53:01] Speaker A: Go pee. Do it quickly, though.
And they just fill that bitch all the way up to the top. And people come in the next morning for work and like, fuck, they got us. And then they have to call another tow company and pay them.
That's it.
And then the last news story of the day. It's not even really a news story. A North Texas man changes his name to, literally, anybody else and is now running for president.
He's going to lose bad.
But he literally shows a picture of his driver's license with some, you know, taken out, and it just says, literally, anybody else.
[00:53:53] Speaker B: Wait, serious?
[00:53:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
Wow.
Pretty classy.
Last name, else, first name. Literally middle name, anybody?
Six foot two.
And yeah, I kind of hope that he gets, like, a good percentage of the vote, honestly, but good for this guy. It's a dumb fucking thing, and he's going to regret it.
[00:54:32] Speaker B: It's Kanye west all over again. I will totes vote for this dude.
[00:54:37] Speaker A: I mean, he'll probably get, like, 5%.
He'll never make it in.
But now time for am I the asshole and relationship? And then I have a third one about am I the devil, but am I the asshole? From zookeeper 7357 02:00 a.m.. I. The asshole for putting my wife on a strict allowance and making her ask me permission to buy expensive things.
When we married, we decided to not fully combine our finances. We have a shared account, which I fund three quarters of, and she funds a quarter of. We use this account to pay the mortgage, utilities, groceries, et cetera. We have our separate accounts where we deposit the rest of our money, and we're responsible for our own investments and cars. Things worked well for a couple of years until recently. She came to me crying. Turns out my wife is not good with her money, and she owes $150,000.
[00:55:41] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:55:42] Speaker A: Spread over several credit cards and her car loan.
[00:55:45] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:55:46] Speaker A: Unless she wins the lottery, there's no way she'll be able to pay off her debt. And I didn't want her to mess up her credit by declaring bankruptcy. I decided to loan the money to pay off the debt on strict conditions. I will take over her finances, including receiving her income. She will be placed on a strict allowance and budget. She will have to ask permission to buy anything over $50, and she'll have to go. By my judgment, once she pays me back the money, she can take control of her own finances. She argued against conditions until I pointed out, I don't have $150,000 in cash on the couch, and I will have to sell some assets, including stocks that are currently performing well.
If I loan her the money, it will cost me money. She finally agreed. This weekend, we were at a dinner party where, after too many drinks, some of the women decided they wanted to take a girls trip a few weekends from now. My wife asked me if she can go, and I answered, no. It's not in her budget. I'll spare you the details of the argument that erupted, but the TlDR version is, I'm a misogynistic pig that keeps her on a leash. Some argued I should have bailed her out without conditions, because there is none in a marriage.
The hurtful part is she didn't defend me once, so was I wrong to put these conditions on her?
[00:57:15] Speaker B: Oh, my God. I feel so wishy washy on this.
[00:57:20] Speaker C: She agreed to it.
[00:57:22] Speaker B: She did agree to it.
I'm not quite sure this was 100% the right way to go about it, but I do agree with a lot of what op has done.
[00:57:31] Speaker C: A problem that then maybe for a certain amount of time, this is what she agreed to. And, I mean, she's already trying to spend money already.
[00:57:42] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:57:45] Speaker C: Obviously, he's not going to bail her out again ever again. If this happens again, he's going to divorce her.
[00:57:52] Speaker B: Exactly. And if she's already pushing boundaries to me, I see that. That she's not trying to put any self control on herself whatsoever.
She's seeing what she can get away with. Like a dog who's, like, trying to push how far you can get into the room before you correct him.
[00:58:10] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, this is tough love.
Like, if my wife came into me, and it's like, hey, I'm in serious.
[00:58:19] Speaker B: Fucking debt, which I will not do.
[00:58:24] Speaker A: But it's like, you cannot file for bankruptcy, because if you do, we lose a house.
[00:58:28] Speaker B: Exactly.
Yeah. No, exactly.
I will not do that to you. But also, this is why our finances are 100% separate.
[00:58:41] Speaker A: Yeah. I don't know how much money you have.
[00:58:43] Speaker B: No desire to have conflict over money. That stresses me the fuck out just even thinking about it.
[00:58:48] Speaker A: But op did fucking clear some shit up. Yeah. Hello, all. I read some of your comments at lunch and continue to read them. When I got home from work, she started another round of arguments about the trip. I pointed out that she has no money at which point she pointed out that she hasn't hit the limit of one of her credit cards, and their cards should cover her weekend.
So I drove back to my office, and we'll spend the night here to answer some of your questions.
One, our shared account pays for everything in the house. For example, a few weeks ago, we bought a new cookware set from Costco, and that money came from the shared account. Two, she works a full time job, minus her contribution to the shared account. The rest of her income is hers to spend on as she wishes. I cover things we do together, like dinners, dates, and vacations.
[00:59:42] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:59:42] Speaker A: Three, the principal amount she owes me is about $120,000, of which half of is her car loan.
[00:59:51] Speaker B: What the fuck kind of car is that?
[00:59:53] Speaker A: An expensive one.
[00:59:54] Speaker B: Holy shit.
[00:59:55] Speaker A: Sell that car. Get a cheaper car.
[00:59:57] Speaker B: Yes, 100%.
[00:59:59] Speaker A: The rest consists of interest and late fees. Four, I didn't bring up her debt in front of our friends because I wanted to protect her reputation.
[01:00:08] Speaker B: Of course. Hope he didn't.
[01:00:09] Speaker A: Five, I haven't liquidated anything yet. I'm working with my advisor and broker to decide what to liquidate, to take the least financial and tax hit and tax hit. Six, she doesn't gamble. I looked over her bills, and she has spent her money on dinners, drinks, and shopping with her friends. Seven, we have been married less than five years, and we do not have children.
We have talked about starting a family in a couple of years.
Honestly, this guy is doing a fucking good thing and trying to get his wife out of fucking debt.
[01:00:41] Speaker B: Yeah. And it's very good that he's doing a loan. He's not just paying it off like, oh, I forgive you.
She needs some self discipline, because if.
[01:00:50] Speaker A: He didn't do this and he didn't fucking try and recoup his cost, that's.
[01:00:55] Speaker B: Not fair to op.
[01:00:57] Speaker A: It's like, hey, fucking, I just paid you $120,000 because you've been my wife for five years.
[01:01:02] Speaker B: Yeah. And that's at some point, that's where financial abuse comes in, where there is no clear, definite of what is owed and what needs to be repaid. And that situation is never healthy. Like, doing a loan and giving her rules is what needs to be done, in my opinion.
[01:01:20] Speaker A: I guarantee you, if she fucking starts fighting against this, it's going to go to a divorce. It will 100% do.
It'll be like, okay, cool, here's your $150,000 of debt. Enjoy that.
[01:01:37] Speaker B: Thank God there's no kids.
This is more likely to end bad than end good, in my opinion.
And it's not for lack of ops trying to handle things. This is a shit ton of money.
There's a point where money tops everything, and this is a moment where money tops everything. And that's a sign of the curse of working middle class.
[01:02:04] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm nowhere close to $150,000 in debt. Well, actually, no, I am crazy.
[01:02:11] Speaker B: Okay.
[01:02:11] Speaker A: Yeah, the house, I'm $300,000 in debt.
[01:02:15] Speaker B: But a house debt is different.
[01:02:20] Speaker A: I think in total, I'm, like, 305.
[01:02:25] Speaker B: I haven't looked at my care credit, my care credit. At my fucking whatever the hell it is with the k credit.
[01:02:33] Speaker A: Yeah, good luck, op.
That sucks.
[01:02:38] Speaker B: It sucks.
[01:02:39] Speaker A: But keep her on a fucking thing. And then, like, hey, this is where if you keep on doing this and get, like, an upgrade at work or get a raise or whatever the fuck, or sell your car and get a cheaper car.
[01:02:54] Speaker B: Yeah, 100% sell the car and get.
[01:02:57] Speaker A: A cheaper car, you can knock 50 G's out of that real quick. And be cool because you don't have kids, so that's not an issue. And you can beg. Okay, cool. I have a $5,000 car.
[01:03:09] Speaker B: Someone who is just out of control with money needs to be taught.
Yeah, they need to be taught how to handle their money. You can't expect them to have learned to fix it on their own. They need to be taught.
[01:03:21] Speaker A: But no, Opie, you're not an asshole. Fucking lay down the law now for relationship advice by throwaway.
And this has an update.
Long story short, my girlfriend and I have been living together for about ten months. When she first moved in, she insisted on paying rent, and I was reluctant to charge her if it didn't work out.
But she forced it and it paid a month.
Then I found out she's struggling for money, unable to pay for things, is in a lot of debt, and lives month to month. She agreed to me that she'd start when she clears the debt. Fast forward to Christmas. I find out that she's been stealing my clothes to give to her family as gifts. Another post on here. She lied for two weeks, blaming me until I showed her the footage of her taking the things from the camera in the living room to watch the dog when I'm out.
Later, I discover through letters and texts I've seen appear on her phone that she's been doing nothing to pay any of it off. So I confront her. She tells me and shows me messages that her mother and sister constantly guilt trip her into giving them money and have for years. They'll message her on payday and ask and she feels bad saying no girl grow backbone.
Despite none of them ever paying it back, her mom alone owes her over 6000 pounds.
She's taken out a ton of loans for her family and they leave her with a debt and don't pay it back. Luckily her credit is now to the point where no one will loan her but she still tries and does it for them. Also I found out when I go through her finances, yes I shouldn't have but something wasn't adding up when I was being lied to that in the space of 20 minutes she spent $300 on gambling sites.
All during the time she isn't paying a penny towards rent, bills or anything. She'll occasionally buy food, shopping trips out to Starbucks. I tell her enough is enough and she needs to start paying her way. If she can give handouts to her family and gamble she can pay for where she lives. She's taking me for a ride when she should have been saving and clearing debts.
Pretty much op is like I make five times of what she does and bills are split proportionally to income. She'll earn 1400 pounds and pay 600.
But she hasn't been paying any rent for the last nine months. And she's been gambling giving it to her family pretty much. The TlDR is girlfriend hasn't paid rent in nine months. She was supposed to be clearing debts. Instead she was giving money away to her family.
[01:06:25] Speaker C: Also she not noticed that she wasn't paying rent.
[01:06:29] Speaker A: Oh he did. Pretty much the whole thing was she was in severe debt. And so the boyfriend's like hey, come in, live with me, work on paying off your debt. And once you pay off your debt then you can fucking pay rent.
And then for nine months she didn't do anything. And on top of it that dumb idiot got her pregnant and then kicked her out.
[01:06:57] Speaker C: Wow.
[01:06:58] Speaker A: So that's pretty much the whole fucking short of the story.
He gets a girlfriend, knows her for nine months, gets her pregnant. She's irresponsible as fuck with money, giving money to her family and gambling it away and she refuses to fucking.
She has a job too so it's not like she's like a lazy piece of shit.
She could be paying off that debt but her family is guilt trading her.
And he sat her down and gave her an ultimatum explaining that they're a family because she's pregnant.
[01:07:38] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:07:41] Speaker A: But she needs to fucking actually step that shit up and start paying the shit or she's the fuck out.
[01:07:48] Speaker B: Yeah no, gambling addiction is not healthy.
[01:07:52] Speaker A: But yeah, she works full time and brings home, like, pretty much 1300 a month, which is garbage money. Holy shit. That's garbage money.
[01:08:04] Speaker B: That's a good paycheck for me. So shut the fuck up.
[01:08:06] Speaker A: A month.
Imagine $1,300 a month. That's like a fucking every two weeks. Like $700.
[01:08:18] Speaker B: That is rough.
[01:08:19] Speaker A: That is rough.
But honestly, make sure that that is your fucking kid, op.
[01:08:28] Speaker B: Yes, 100%. Make sure it's your kid and drop her ass nonetheless.
[01:08:34] Speaker A: And if it's not your kid. Yeah, get her the fuck out of your house. Get her the fuck out of your life. And thank God that she cheated on you.
If it is your kid, you're fucked, and you just have to deal with her.
[01:08:47] Speaker B: No, he needs to kick her to the curb, and then they can co parent. I'm sorry, Op. Doesn't deserve to have to deal with that.
[01:08:52] Speaker A: Or just get 100% custody of your kid.
[01:08:55] Speaker B: Even better.
[01:08:59] Speaker A: And then this one is from a subreddit called am I the devil?
They pretty much do the am I wrong? Or any of the other subreddits and the ones that get down voted to oblivion that you never really see.
The ones that are obvious. And I love this.
Am I wrong for finding comfort in my late wife's twin sister, my wife, from not using my main, for sure. So obviously a throwaway. My wife passed away in a horrific car accident eight months ago. Sorry, Opie. Leaving myself and our three year old daughter behind.
[01:09:39] Speaker B: That's awful.
[01:09:40] Speaker A: I was far too depressed to do anything, much less care for my daughter properly. So my sister in law, her twin sister, essentially moved in to help out. While sobbing about my wife's death together. One thing led to another, and we ended up having sex.
After the first time, we both felt nauseated with guilt, but soon came to realize that it was helping us both cope.
She's so much like my wife. When I'm with her, I'm kind of able to forget what happened. It's a temporary relief, but relief nonetheless. She grew to believe that she was doing a good thing by helping me cope and be a better father to my daughter. It's been a regular thing up until now. I obviously feel conflicted about it. No one can know what's going on, as it might tear our family apart, but it's helped me not to kill myself. And I have a much better father member society since we began. I don't know if I'm prepared to stop.
Help me see things objectively. How fucked is this?
[01:10:49] Speaker B: There's so much wrong, but also like, no, dude.
[01:10:53] Speaker A: Fucking hell. Yeah.
[01:10:55] Speaker B: Your wife had a kind of on that boat too. I'm just like, this is fucked up. But also I'm kind of like your.
[01:11:00] Speaker A: Wife had a backup. Hell yeah.
[01:11:03] Speaker B: Exactly.
[01:11:04] Speaker A: Get fucking your dick wet.
[01:11:06] Speaker B: It's creepy. But also, I'm not like 100%. I don't feel like your wife is dead.
[01:11:12] Speaker A: I don't think she's going to care.
[01:11:13] Speaker B: It's a twin sister.
[01:11:14] Speaker A: Twin sister?
[01:11:15] Speaker B: Yes, twin sister.
[01:11:16] Speaker A: Twin sister.
[01:11:17] Speaker B: Exactly. Like, I'm not.
[01:11:23] Speaker A: But there is updates.
[01:11:24] Speaker B: Oh, good. I want updates.
[01:11:26] Speaker A: Edit. I didn't specify the first time we slept together was a month after her passed. Okay, yes, it was very sick. In hindsight, yes, it is. And we both regretted it deeply. It didn't happen again for another two months, and then it happened continuously until today. Update. I talked to my sister in law, which ended in us in bed together once again. I don't think we can cut things off quite yet. It seems like the majority of criticism is about how this will affect my daughter, which is very understandable.
We've just decided to take better care of our relationship private as long as possible until we're ready to move on. I'm fine with this therapy, you idiot. Go see a therapist. Or, yeah, therapy would probably be a.
[01:12:19] Speaker B: Good thing, especially if they're going to continue this. I think therapy for the daughter would.
[01:12:22] Speaker A: Be important, but yeah, if it works out for you, it works out for you. Dude, honestly, there is not too much too fucked with this.
If you were cheating on your wife with a twin sister, and your wife went and killed herself, then it'd be like, okay, yeah, that's 100% fucked. Especially if you continued fucking after she was dead.
[01:12:50] Speaker B: Yeah, that'd be different.
[01:12:51] Speaker A: But no, your wife fucking died and you had to deal with some trauma, and you dealt with it the best way that you could.
[01:13:00] Speaker B: So I saw this study. It was talking about how when someone dies, your brain basically is forced to live in two realities. Now, when there's a reality where your partner used to be and there's a reality where your partner is not, and it's very difficult for the two to eventually intermingle. Like, they have instances where they literally expect to see their partner and their partner is not there. And so for him to be in this phase of loss, to have a duplicate of his wife in the world that is now has got to be so confusing for his brain. Like, this is rewiring things in a completely different manner.
[01:13:35] Speaker A: I mean, you forget that it's also her sister, too.
[01:13:43] Speaker B: I know, but also, it's almost his wife in this new reality, they fuck. He gets endorphins and his brain's like, oh, fuck, yes, dopamine. Give me this now. Because we are literally so depressed, his brain's also rewarding him with hormones for doing what he's done. There's also evolution playing into this. It's not just like, gross. It's also like our instincts in our brain being like, yes, this gave us dopamine, therefore this is good.
[01:14:10] Speaker A: I mean, honestly, op. This could fucking work out.
[01:14:14] Speaker B: It could work out.
[01:14:15] Speaker A: This could be fine.
[01:14:16] Speaker B: It could be fine. And I hope it is fine.
[01:14:19] Speaker A: And it could provide stability for your daughter. She's still young and probably won't remember it all that well.
[01:14:27] Speaker B: It's important that they raise her not as, like, she can be a mother figure, but she needs to be told from the beginning so she comes to understand it as she grows up. It shouldn't be something that's like, all of a sudden dropped on her when she's like, 13.
[01:14:41] Speaker A: Yeah, good for you for getting some fucking pussy.
[01:14:47] Speaker B: I mean, that too.
[01:14:50] Speaker A: But yes, I think about that all the time. I'm like, what would happen if I was to just die?
Would my wife get some new dick?
[01:15:04] Speaker B: God, no. I am never going through the extensive requirements of maintaining a relationship again. This is exhausting.
I love you, babe, but I hate maintaining a relationship. It takes a lot out of me.
[01:15:18] Speaker A: With me.
[01:15:19] Speaker B: Oh, man, it would be with anybody. It's just you're still worth the effort.
[01:15:24] Speaker A: And then once I stop being worth the effort, she's like, I'm divorcing you and taking half of all your stuff, and it's like a duffel bag.
[01:15:32] Speaker B: I mean, I'm assuming that's not going to happen, but I would have to.
[01:15:35] Speaker A: Weigh my choices to divorce me if I become too much work.
[01:15:41] Speaker B: I'm not going to divorce you. I'm going to kill you.
[01:15:45] Speaker A: Don't do that.
[01:15:46] Speaker B: You think you can stop me?
[01:15:48] Speaker A: Yeah, I definitely do.
[01:15:50] Speaker B: Sure.
[01:15:51] Speaker A: I have literally gun, gun, gun, gun.
I have five guns within arm distance, and I can easily stop you. I'm way stronger than you.
[01:16:05] Speaker B: You are way stronger than me. You could definitely stop me. 100% you could stop me.
[01:16:11] Speaker A: I can just take a spray bottle like a cat. Mick. No, wait.
[01:16:16] Speaker B: You have my spray bottle?
[01:16:17] Speaker A: Yeah, of course.
[01:16:18] Speaker B: How long have you had my spray bottle?
[01:16:20] Speaker A: Ask me for things.
[01:16:21] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[01:16:23] Speaker A: Do you want this?
[01:16:24] Speaker B: I want you to put it back where I want to look for it, which is in the bathroom closet.
Have you needed it in the last 24 hours?
[01:16:32] Speaker A: Yes, always. Just call me or text me.
[01:16:38] Speaker C: What did you change?
[01:16:39] Speaker A: I have a bottle of her Myers fucking multi surface cleaner.
[01:16:45] Speaker B: Oh, my God. I've been looking everywhere for that.
[01:16:49] Speaker A: I know where everything is.
[01:16:50] Speaker B: I need to get another bottle, and that way we can both have a bottle is what I need to do.
[01:16:54] Speaker A: I don't need it now, but you.
[01:16:56] Speaker B: Literally have it in your room. So I just need to get a second bottle and this will solve the issue.
[01:17:03] Speaker A: I use it to clean something. I forget what.
[01:17:05] Speaker B: I'm very happy you were cleaning things.
[01:17:07] Speaker A: But, yeah, that's it. Thank you all so much. Op. Fucking continue.
[01:17:14] Speaker B: Live your best life.
[01:17:17] Speaker A: There's definitely worse things you can fucking do.
[01:17:20] Speaker B: There are definitely worse things that could be done.
[01:17:25] Speaker A: It's not the worst.
And it's not like you're cheating on your wife. Your wife is dead and you waited 30 days.
I didn't wait that long to jerk off after the twin towers fell. I'm like, oh, 3000 people are dead and I'm like, just fucking beaten off vigorously.
[01:17:43] Speaker B: That is not what I expected you to say at all.
[01:17:49] Speaker A: You did a good thing and your wife would want you happy.
[01:17:54] Speaker B: She would want you happy. I don't know if she wants you happy with her twin sister, though. Like, therapy is still a good thing.
[01:18:00] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely talk to a therapist, and your therapist could be like, dude, hell yeah, nucks, dude.
But if it was me, there's nothing really wrong with it.
Bringing it up to your family, it's.
[01:18:19] Speaker B: Going to be rough.
[01:18:20] Speaker A: It's going to be a fucking definitely rough thing.
[01:18:22] Speaker B: It's not going to go smooth.
[01:18:24] Speaker A: Give it six months. If you're going to bring it up to your family.
[01:18:27] Speaker B: I'd give it more than that.
[01:18:32] Speaker A: Because she has moved in.
[01:18:35] Speaker B: I forgot that.
[01:18:36] Speaker A: Yeah, she moved in to help.
[01:18:38] Speaker B: She moved in. I'm wondering if the family's already right. Like, yeah, okay, it's cool.
I forgot that she moved in. That's significant and very obvious to everyone.
If you move in, you're hooking up.
[01:18:52] Speaker A: There's like another Reddit story where a dude was fucking widowed and he had one of his friends move in. They got married because some green card bullshit or whatever or. No, she needed health insurance. That's what it was. She needed health insurance, and she was going through a rough time. She had just been through an abusive relationship, and they got married for the health insurance and kind of like, lived like a platonic relationship and didn't fuck or nothing. And then he started falling in love with her. And he's like, I don't know how to tell her this. I fucking love her. And she's, like, taking care of my kid, and it ended up really well.
[01:19:49] Speaker B: Conversations are difficult sometimes.
[01:19:51] Speaker A: Yeah, they are.
[01:19:51] Speaker B: You got to have a gumption, but that's it.
[01:19:55] Speaker A: Follow me on Instagram or whatever the bullshit. Alexetruck everywhere. A l e x t h e t r u c k for those of you that cannot spell, there's way too many of you.
And, yeah, we'll be back next week with some more fucking horrible bullshit. Maybe. I might just do a whole bunch. I might just do a whole fucking episode of, like, am I wrong? Am I the episode dedicated to Reddit stories like this? Because your podcast, I can do whatever.
I mean, I enjoy. So I think Courtney does, too.
[01:20:34] Speaker C: What?
[01:20:35] Speaker A: Like, the am I the assholes and am I wrongs and relationship advice?
[01:20:41] Speaker C: Yeah, I read them all the time on Reddit.
[01:20:46] Speaker A: Next week. That's what we're going to do. Come back next week. I'm going to just do an entire hour of am I the devil? Am I wrong?
Am I the asshole? All that kind of shit. And we're going to get to the bottom of people and do some advice. We're not therapists, but you can still pay us. Bye.
