Plowing the Snowman

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alrighty. All righty, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Human Podcast. We are back. And this week, I am way more awake than I was last week. Jesus Christ. So we got with us my lovely wife. We got the lovely Courtney from across the world in a different land that's constantly on fire. That's not Australia. Still is dangerous, though. You just can't say the wrong thing. We got me Alex Truck, I'm your host. And it is Spooky season. It's the last fucking week of Spooky Season. [00:00:43] Speaker B: I know. [00:00:44] Speaker A: So I'm wearing my Perry the Platypus onesie. [00:00:48] Speaker C: And is it warm? [00:00:50] Speaker A: Yeah, it's a nice fabric. It's felt good. As long as it lasts till Monday comedy, then I'm good. That's all I needed to do. But I mean, Friday we went out to comedy and then my wife was sitting there with the host of the show and we did karaoke. [00:01:21] Speaker C: It was fun. [00:01:22] Speaker A: My wife saw me do karaoke for the first time ever. She was the only one there that did not do karaoke. [00:01:28] Speaker C: I've never done it before. [00:01:29] Speaker A: Just get up and do it. [00:01:30] Speaker C: I don't name a song that I know the words to. [00:01:35] Speaker B: They're so funny. [00:01:39] Speaker A: You read them like you do on the Am I the Assholes and the relationship advice. [00:01:45] Speaker C: Oh, so it doesn't matter if I don't know the song. [00:01:48] Speaker A: Yeah, it's way fucking funnier if you don't know the song. The amount of songs that I've had to sing that I did not know a single word to the beat of or anything. I've never heard the song before and I just had to sing it. People are like, you know this song? And I'm like, I have no idea about what is this song? And it's like, OOH, you touch my TRA, my ding ding dong. [00:02:17] Speaker B: Oh, God. [00:02:19] Speaker A: Yeah, I've seen that one. I've seen that one sung at karaoke, obviously. It's my comedy friends. Oh, my so happy Halloween, everybody. We have some news stories. We have. Am I the asshole? We have two of those. And so, yeah, let's just jump right into it. Bittersweet news. The main gunman, Robert Card, was found dead after the two day manhunt. So I only found out about this after Friday at the fucking comedy show. They're like, that guy from Maine is dead. I'm like, what guy from like I didn't remember Maine was a state. [00:03:05] Speaker C: It's the main one. [00:03:06] Speaker A: No, wasn't even the main one. They landed in Massachusetts. [00:03:16] Speaker C: I did my best to do a pun. [00:03:19] Speaker A: Oh, my, it's a bad state. I love watching videos of people doing sign language. Just their faces is the fucking funniest thing ever. [00:03:31] Speaker C: Yeah, they're using their faces to help with the words. Like it's part of the language. [00:03:36] Speaker A: No, it's not. [00:03:37] Speaker C: Yes, it is. [00:03:38] Speaker A: Not at all. [00:03:40] Speaker C: It's part of the language. [00:03:41] Speaker A: What if you're blind the face? That means nothing. [00:03:44] Speaker C: You don't use sign language? Do you use sign language if you're blind? [00:03:50] Speaker A: No, you use your ears. [00:03:51] Speaker C: Okay. So then it doesn't matter if the blind person can see the interpreter or not. [00:03:57] Speaker A: Oh, my it's like that joke. It's like a mute man goes into a store to buy a toothbrush. He makes the gesture, brushing his teeth. They give him a toothbrush. A blind man goes in the store to buy sunglasses. What does he do? [00:04:15] Speaker C: I don't know. [00:04:16] Speaker A: Asks to buy some sunglasses. [00:04:20] Speaker B: Oh my God. [00:04:21] Speaker C: Just like legally blind or like cannot see anything. [00:04:23] Speaker A: Never mind. [00:04:24] Speaker C: I'm sorry. [00:04:27] Speaker A: It's like if I tried to do the green glass doors riddle to my wife, she would I don't know that one. You don't know the green glass doors? There's green glass doors and only certain things can go through the green glass doors. Like beer can go through the green glass doors. Me Alex cannot go through the green glass doors. [00:04:51] Speaker C: Are we talking about the recycling bins? [00:04:53] Speaker A: No, it's imaginary green glass doors. Okay, the riddle. [00:04:57] Speaker C: Okay. [00:04:58] Speaker B: Oh, God. [00:04:59] Speaker A: But you fucking try and figure out what can go through the green glass doors. [00:05:05] Speaker C: So beer cannon. You cannot. [00:05:07] Speaker A: Yeah, a computer cannot. [00:05:14] Speaker C: A computer cannot. [00:05:16] Speaker A: No. [00:05:16] Speaker C: Okay. Can any kind of liquid go through? [00:05:22] Speaker A: There are certain liquids that can go through. [00:05:23] Speaker C: Yes, there are certain liquids, and there. [00:05:26] Speaker A: Are certain ones that cannot. Water. Cannot. Piss. Can. But let's keep on going with this news story. The gunman in the mass shooting that killed 18 people in Lewiston, Maine, the 40 year old dude has been found dead. He apparently went to his old work and they just were like, hey, look, he's dead. He killed himself. I'm like, yeah, he killed 18 people. I'm like, that's really sad that the entire fucking population of Maine died to this guy. Rest in peace, all of Maine. [00:06:12] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. [00:06:13] Speaker A: I know. [00:06:15] Speaker B: They're not that tiny, are they? [00:06:18] Speaker A: They're pretty tiny. Yeah. Population of Maine is now probably like six. [00:06:28] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. [00:06:29] Speaker A: Yeah. So he did a catastrophe in Know. The rest of America doesn't give a shit, so you no longer have to worry. I'm sure Joe Biden is like, we're going to do everything we can do to stop the gun violence. [00:06:47] Speaker B: Yes. [00:06:48] Speaker A: And it's like then you're going to see someone go on a rampage with a kitchen knife and kill 26 people. And then you're going to see fucking truck bombs going off. Like the Oklahoma City bomb. The Oklahoma City Bombings. That was a truck bomb that blew up a fucking hotel or some shit. It was crazy. [00:07:12] Speaker B: Wow. [00:07:14] Speaker A: I'm like it was like the fucking highest death tolls in America. Were never done with guns, so I don't know why people are sitting here like, guns is a problem. Opioids fucking planes, cars, all of this. Death, death, death, death, death. And it's like you can't avoid it. It's like, how about this? Put a governor in every single car so they can't go over 80 miles an hour. It's like, well, people can still die. It's like, yeah, but now you can't drive 120 miles and kill a family of four. What does that look for? [00:07:55] Speaker C: Okay. I'm trying to figure out what piss and beer have in common that piss and water don't have in common. [00:08:07] Speaker A: You'll figure it out one day, but I don't even remember where I was. I'm like eating a calzone over here as well. Very unprofessional for a professional podcast or whatever. [00:08:23] Speaker B: Yeah, definitely unprofessional. [00:08:27] Speaker A: I don't care. Trending news. Remember the fucking those restaurants last week that were last week of the week before that were charging people if they threw up? [00:08:41] Speaker C: Yes. [00:08:43] Speaker A: And like, hey, you fucking over drank. Now there's restaurants that are charging $50 for poor parenting. Restaurants threaten fee when kids don't behave. A restaurant in Georgia has stirred up controversy with a long standing surcharge that calls into questions some customers parenting skills. Tacoa Riverside restaurant adds a $50 surcharge on the bills of families whose children don't behave. While the establishment the owner, Tim Richer, said the charge is not new and it actually began during the COVID-19 pandemic. A warning posted at the bottom of Tacoa's menu reads, adult surcharge for adults unable to parent cash. So yeah, I feel like this is a good fucking thing. If you have fucking shitty kids that you cannot control, you don't get to bring them out to public. If you're not willing to fucking take a belt to your fucking child and put them in their fucking place. You get to fucking have fun at home and not get to actually have any fun. It sucks for you. Be willing to discipline your fucking kids. [00:10:03] Speaker C: Or just put them in harnesses. Like, put them in a harness. Like hook it up to the table so they can't wander off too far and just feed them scraps on the floor. [00:10:13] Speaker B: Oh my god. [00:10:14] Speaker C: If they're going to behave like animals, it might as well be treated like. [00:10:17] Speaker A: Them or give them away. Take them to a fucking fire department and just drop them off of this front steps, no questions asked. [00:10:24] Speaker B: I think it's for babies. [00:10:30] Speaker A: Yeah. This is who misbehaves. If you have a 23 year old child misbehaving at a restaurant, killing, like. [00:10:36] Speaker C: Toddlers to, like five, six are, like, running around controlled and bothering everybody. This is for babies. [00:10:43] Speaker A: I'm sure they could fucking if you have a screaming baby, it's like the entire fucking time. Charge those parents. [00:10:52] Speaker C: Babies are supposed to cry. [00:10:54] Speaker A: I don't fucking care. Make them cry at home where I don't have to listen to it. Don't bring your fucking baby on a goddamn plane. Don't bring your baby out in fucking public. I don't want to hear it. Fucking put your teddy in its mouth and fucking get it done. [00:11:08] Speaker C: Oh, my god. So I saw this post talking about how cats mimic the cries of babies because it triggers your brain to care for them more. And so ever since I learned that I love the sound of kittens and cats. Meowing. I fucking love it. So when I hear a baby cry, I listen to it and I'm like do I find this, like, a nice noise? No. Why do I only like it when it comes from a cat? Aren't I supposed to enjoy both? [00:11:32] Speaker A: No, not at all. Fuck babies. [00:11:35] Speaker C: Although are you supposed to not like it when they cry? Because then it makes you want to take care of them. [00:11:38] Speaker A: It's not my baby. It's not my fucking problem. I do not fucking care. Screw these babies. Screw them. Honestly, like, why are we sitting here pandering to these people? That fucking popped out a baby. You stuck a penis. A penis hit a vagina, fucking deposited some come in it, and now fucking nine months later, out pops a baby. Congratulations. Fucking lations. It wasn't that hard to fucking do it. You carried it to term and you didn't abort it, because now everyone says that's wrong. I don't think I should have to fucking bow down to you for fucking doing that. You're the one that fucking decided to do that. You're the one that decided to want to have a kid. I don't think your fucking shitty ideas and your shitty decisions should affect how I have to live my life now. If I go out to a fucking restaurant, I'm not going to be shitty to a kid that I see, but I'll be shitty to their parents. If this kid is running around and crawling under my know, there should be a charge for, like I don't know if you've ever know that happen, but I'm sure Courtney has fucking dealt with that. Courtney, have you ever fucking dealt with a know being a shithead. [00:13:02] Speaker B: My nephew. [00:13:02] Speaker A: But I mean well, no, like when. [00:13:04] Speaker B: You were a waitress, surprisingly, nothing comes to mind, really. I've seen some rowdy kids, but they always ended up getting punished or something. It's always when I'm not working that I see that. I ended up going to my nephew's graduation and the kid was laying down on the floor and crawling around at the very front and stuff. It was really weird. [00:13:49] Speaker A: I understand if you have, like, an autistic kid or something like that. I will cut them a little bit more slack. But there should be more restaurants for autistic children. [00:14:04] Speaker C: Yeah, that's not very profitable. [00:14:07] Speaker A: I would assume that would be hugely profitable. What are you talking about? Like, a restaurant where the light is lower, there's not loud music playing, the seats aren't hard, and there's food. That is easy for people with sensory issues to deal with. [00:14:34] Speaker C: When we go to a restaurant, my biggest problem is the clanking of all the plates and cutlery. [00:14:40] Speaker A: Yeah. Imagine if you didn't have that. [00:14:42] Speaker C: Imagine how would that be possible? [00:14:43] Speaker A: Imagine if you had, like, different material. [00:14:46] Speaker C: Plates that be easily cleanable for the restaurant. [00:14:49] Speaker A: Yeah, you could do that. Easily wooden fucking forks or whatever. [00:14:58] Speaker C: How long can you put a wooden thing through a washing machine? [00:15:03] Speaker A: We've had our wooden spoon for ten years. [00:15:06] Speaker C: Which one? The one I broke or the second one that I broke? [00:15:11] Speaker A: Well, you don't tell me when you break them. [00:15:13] Speaker C: Yeah, no, I just buy new ones. [00:15:15] Speaker A: Hopefully my husband won't hit me. He comes home and finds out that the wooden spoon he never uses is broken. [00:15:21] Speaker C: No, I generally replace what I break. [00:15:25] Speaker A: On the whole, but yeah, imagine if you had this restaurant where it could serve just easy stuff for you to eat growing up and not charge an arm and a leg and kind of have circle booths and toys and fun stuff for your kids to do. And they clean underneath the tables. [00:15:50] Speaker C: When I went out to eat with my parents, when me and my siblings were all little, all three of us would be scared absolutely shitless in a restaurant because we were so scared of being punished if we did anything. And so it would be absolutely dreadful. And then afterwards, people would come up and compliment my parents for how well behaved we were. So when I see a well behaved child at a table, quite honestly, my first thought is, god, I hope they're not being hurt. [00:16:17] Speaker A: Yeah, this seems like a pretty fucking good idea. You just go to a big city, you fucking run it and just like, hey, this is a restaurant, you know, for parents to bring their autistic children. There's a little play area, things they can do, nothing that they can break. And if they do break it, oh, well. If they spill a cup, oh, well. And just make it to where it's an accepting place, but it has to. [00:16:50] Speaker C: Be able to make a profit. [00:16:51] Speaker A: Yeah, it will be able to make a profit, no problem. Restaurants make a huge profit. [00:16:58] Speaker C: They can cater to a wide audience. [00:17:00] Speaker A: Audience fucking the amount of fucking people I know that are like, I have an autistic child, and it's like, hey, yeah, here's a restaurant. You can bring them. And if they're making noise, it's fine. They can make noise. It's like, $50 for the evening. It's like, hell. Yeah. But good on this restaurant for charging fucking people that don't know any better to charge her money. [00:17:37] Speaker B: Yes. [00:17:38] Speaker A: Onto the next story, an Italian mother wins a court case against her 40 something sons who refuse to leave the home. Which is weird because Italian mothers are usually over fucking bearing, and usually the ones that are like, oh, no, you stay home. You stay home with me. Live with your mother forever and ever. [00:18:01] Speaker C: Clearly not this lady. [00:18:03] Speaker A: A 75 year old Italian woman, sued her two sons, aged 40 and 42 oh, God. After she repeatedly asked them to move out and live more independently, which they refused. A court case has shown that even Italian mothers have limits when it comes to Molly coding their Molly Coddling. I don't even know what that is, especially when they're all grown up. But yeah. Told these fucking shithead kids to get the fuck out. And the mother was doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, every fucking thing. [00:18:42] Speaker C: That's why they didn't want to move out. [00:18:45] Speaker A: And the two men have to move out before December 18. [00:18:50] Speaker C: This is what happens when you raise boys and not men. [00:18:55] Speaker A: Yeah. So good for this mother. She's awesome. I want to hear her views. I believe she votes for Trump. Good for her, though. She can live her last five years in peace and then die. And then her kids are going to move right the fuck back in. Or her kids are just going to kill her. [00:19:18] Speaker C: Well, she won't have to clean up after him anymore, so it's a moot point. [00:19:23] Speaker A: So on to some Halloween news. A fan wearing a giant penis costume to a college football game is quickly ejected. They should have just said ejected. And it had been way better. [00:19:38] Speaker C: It definitely would have been better. [00:19:40] Speaker A: He got too cocky. So. Yeah, just houston. This is texas. Every fucking time. The recent game, he decided to wear just one dude, even say his name. Decided to wear a giant penis inflatable costume. And everyone was, like, staring at this dude. And then security was like, get the fuck out of here, dickhead. [00:20:14] Speaker C: I don't know why. It's like America is so weird about dicks here. [00:20:19] Speaker A: I mean, over in Greece, like, literally, you can buy a bottle opener that's just a fucking big wooden dick. [00:20:25] Speaker C: Yeah. No, it's so weird how we're uptight about it here in America. It's like, what dicks are fucking. [00:20:34] Speaker A: Saw. I'm like, oh, hell yeah. I almost bought that costume. [00:20:42] Speaker B: Oh, my. [00:20:46] Speaker A: And I've always wondered about this next thing, if it has ever been a thing, and apparently it is. Salisburg Airport has a dedicated desk for flyers who flew to Austria instead of Australia. [00:21:05] Speaker C: How have we come to this point as a species? Really? [00:21:12] Speaker B: Really, seriously? [00:21:14] Speaker C: Like, the human race. We're getting dumber. We're not getting smarter. [00:21:20] Speaker A: Yeah. If you're ever having a bad day, just remember that the Salzburg airport has a counter that flew to the wrong country. How do you fuck this airport? [00:21:32] Speaker C: I think how many people have done this that they needed a specific set aside for these people to pile up and sit in chairs and grump and bitch at the fucking employees when they're the ones who fucked up? Can I have a piece of that? [00:21:47] Speaker A: Yes. [00:21:49] Speaker B: Wow. [00:21:52] Speaker A: They open it for me. I mean, like, this just seems amazing. It's like flying to Colorado instead of California or to, like, New Mexico instead of Mexico. It's like, oh, no, I'm here. You have to fuck up really bad. Like this dude. Google was sued after a man drives off a collapsed bridge following Google Maps. [00:22:26] Speaker C: And you all shit on me for using apple Maps. [00:22:30] Speaker A: Yeah, no, this guy's retarded. [00:22:32] Speaker C: No, this dude is 100% retarded. [00:22:39] Speaker A: The family of Philip Paxton has sued Google, saying he was following Google Maps on a dark and rainy night in September 2022 when he drove off a collapsed bridge in Hickory, North Carolina. There it is. Fucking Carolina, people. [00:22:56] Speaker C: That is such this is the kind of stupidity of the dude who broke his neck when he was talking on his phone. Mike Darwin award right here. [00:23:08] Speaker A: I kind of wonder, did he die, though? Now I have to fucking, like, Google his goddamn fucking stupid ass name. Oh, yeah, no, he died. [00:23:18] Speaker C: Yeah, no, it said, the family is suing. Not he is suing. [00:23:20] Speaker A: Well, I mean, like, the oh, thank. [00:23:23] Speaker C: God he was white. Praise the Lord. [00:23:25] Speaker A: Yeah, of course. Philip. Yeah, of course he's white. [00:23:29] Speaker C: I didn't listen to his first name. [00:23:30] Speaker A: I've never met, like, a black Philip. I met a black Phil. Never. Philip. [00:23:37] Speaker C: Isn't Phil short for Philip? [00:23:40] Speaker B: Yeah, but Phil is his own name. [00:23:42] Speaker A: What would be cool is if his wife fucking sent him on an errand. Be like, can you go get me some alcohol? And they fucking, like, drove off the fucking bridge on purpose. And now she's trying to get some money out of, like, oh, no, he killed himself, honey, because you're unbearable. [00:24:05] Speaker B: But I don't think it's Google's fault. [00:24:09] Speaker C: Absolutely not. [00:24:10] Speaker A: No, not at all. So a Colorado judge tried the company that tried to pay 23, tried to pay a settlement of $23,500 in coins weighing three tons. A welding company that tried to pay off a settlement with a subcontractor, sending them money in loose coins that weighed three. It's like, that's brilliant. Let them let people fucking pay with coins. But make it to where the banks have to accept it all. [00:24:53] Speaker C: Judge made them repay it at a higher price. [00:25:02] Speaker A: It had to pay an extra $8,092. [00:25:08] Speaker C: Straight up. Don't be a dick. [00:25:13] Speaker A: No, I feel like you should be able to pay parking tickets with coins. [00:25:17] Speaker C: Okay, that's different. That's not over $200,000 in pennies. [00:25:24] Speaker A: There's 23,000 that they had to pay originally, and they had to pay an extra 8000. So, like, $30,000. [00:25:32] Speaker C: I misheard the first number the first time, but still, that's too many. Where they even get that many pennies? Aren't we in a penny shortage or some shit? [00:25:41] Speaker A: You just go to the bank, they'll give them to you. You might have to take, like, a month to get it, but yeah, you can get it. [00:25:47] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:25:48] Speaker A: Or go to a bunch of different banks and just be like, hey, yeah, I want $100 in fucking see that shit right there? [00:25:55] Speaker C: Like, that is pet tea. They had to put in so much extra effort. [00:25:59] Speaker A: Yeah, of course. [00:26:00] Speaker C: That just makes it even more embarrassing. [00:26:04] Speaker A: Speaking of embarrassing a us. State senator has been charged with possessing a gun without a license after he had a revolver at a Hong Kong airport. [00:26:20] Speaker C: Oh, my God, we're so embarrassing as a country. [00:26:23] Speaker A: Yeah, he was Republican, too. [00:26:26] Speaker C: Well, of course he's republican. [00:26:28] Speaker A: Jeff Wilson from Washington State. He was released on a cash bail of Hk$20,000 and was ordered to hand over his travel documents and not leave Hong Kong. So it's like you can't go and you can't go. [00:26:52] Speaker C: Oh my God, that's so fucking stupid. [00:26:57] Speaker A: But yeah, he's going to show up in court, like, tomorrow, so it's going to be fine. Damn. Carrying an arms without a license is punishable up to 14 years in jail and a fine of 100,000. Hong Kong. I don't know what it's called, like wan or something. [00:27:26] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Oh my God. [00:27:29] Speaker A: Elected to Washington State Senate in 2020, wilson campaigned on the backs of lower taxes and opposition to a sex education bill. Last year, Washington State Senate passed a bill Wilson had raised to make it easier for museums in Washington to receive guns from firearm collectors. [00:27:55] Speaker C: I don't have an opinion on that. Either way. [00:27:59] Speaker A: What the fuck was this guy doing in Hong Kong? [00:28:01] Speaker C: I don't know. And why did he have oh, my God. [00:28:05] Speaker A: And he also has like, the Vote for Pedro shirt, but it's the vote for Wilson from like, Napoleon Dynamite. [00:28:12] Speaker C: What did he think was going to happen when he took a gun with him? [00:28:17] Speaker A: I don't know. [00:28:21] Speaker C: How do you get out of license? [00:28:24] Speaker A: You can put a gun in your. [00:28:26] Speaker C: Check it but don't you need a license to do that? [00:28:30] Speaker A: No. [00:28:32] Speaker C: Okay, that just makes things even worse. [00:28:34] Speaker A: Yeah, no, you have to do a whole bunch of dumb bullshit to put a gun on a plane. But yeah, you can do it. It's not worth it, in my fucking humble opinion. But now over to Florida stories, because of course, Florida, you never let me down. You're always just dumb ass motherfuckers. Florida man arrested for having sex with a stuffed Olaf at a Target. I don't know why they let this guy in in the first place. He looks like know a serial killer. He looks like the dude that would have sex with nolaf, he does look like a dude. Let me share my fucking screen that way. [00:29:23] Speaker B: Oh, God. [00:29:29] Speaker C: Present like a stuffy or like a blow up? [00:29:36] Speaker A: It was just a stuffy. [00:29:37] Speaker C: Okay. Because that's better than like one of those weird blow up things that's like the Halloween decoration. [00:29:46] Speaker B: Oh, God. [00:29:50] Speaker A: There we go. [00:29:51] Speaker B: Let's see. [00:29:52] Speaker A: This is the guy. [00:29:54] Speaker B: Oh my God. [00:29:56] Speaker A: And that's a fucking victim right there. The Olaf with the fucking buttons that. [00:30:01] Speaker C: Are where do you put his dick in it? [00:30:03] Speaker A: Probably in the bottom. [00:30:05] Speaker C: Did he like make a hole? [00:30:06] Speaker A: Probably. [00:30:07] Speaker C: I need to know if there was a hole made. [00:30:08] Speaker A: Okay. St. Petersburg, Florida. Florida man was arrested Tuesday after being caught having sex with a stuffed animal inside. Target. [00:30:17] Speaker C: Target. Shame. [00:30:19] Speaker A: Witnesses told police they saw Cody Meter, 20 years old, take a large Olaf from frozen off the store shelves and begin to dry hump the toys. I swear to God, if that's all he did. The police report claims Meter Ejaculated on the Olaf doll and put it back on the shelf before he selected a large stuffed unicorn and began having sex with that as well. Meter was taken into custody while in the store and admitting to doing stupid stuff, he was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. The Olaf and unicorn stuffed animals were removed from the store and destroyed. Toy Story five for sure. The victims. [00:31:14] Speaker C: Oh, my God. One time we got come on. One of my stuffies, and that instantaneously went into the trash. [00:31:20] Speaker A: I don't even know which one it was. Now if I ever want to get rid of something of yours, I'll just come on it. [00:31:26] Speaker C: Yeah, I will get rid of it. Do not come on. The cats. [00:31:31] Speaker A: Come right on. Chai tea. You'll never notice. Why does chai tea smell like the sea? [00:31:37] Speaker C: No, he always smells like cat food, though. Like, he like, smushes it all over his face. [00:31:44] Speaker A: Florida woman because we got a man now. We got a woman drunken ride at 120 miles an hour ends with violent fingernail attack on trooper. So felinas county. A Florida woman alleged drunken ride at 120 miles an hour in a 55 miles an hour zone led to her arrest. But the traffic stop took a turn when she became violent with the Florida Highway patrol trooper highway patrol trooper whose hand she repeatedly dug her fingernails in. Brittany Bianchi. Brittany bitchy. [00:32:27] Speaker C: This is what I was thinking. [00:32:28] Speaker A: Was arrested and charged with the DUI after the incident unfolded on Gandhi Bridge in St. Petersburg on Saturday night. 31 jesus Christ, do better. [00:32:41] Speaker C: She's in Florida, you know. She's on meth or crack. [00:32:46] Speaker A: It's her third DUI arrest within ten years. [00:32:49] Speaker C: Oh, my God. And it's a Mercedes. [00:32:52] Speaker A: Driving a Mercedes at 120 miles. Yeah. [00:32:55] Speaker C: Okay. Someone either has a rich daddy or a rich daddy. [00:33:00] Speaker A: Yeah. She said you have no proof I was drinking. You have no proof I was doing anything wrong. Except for speeding. That's all. Reckless driving charge. She was telling the truth. [00:33:13] Speaker C: My God. [00:33:14] Speaker A: So everything you're doing right now is just to inconvenience my life for what? Yeah. Fucking 100%. Send this woman to prison forever. She said this like I have a seven year old at home, like I'm not doing anything wrong but speeding. And you're just assuming everything. For what? And that's what I don't understand. I don't drink. I don't do anything wrong. Yeah. And then used her fingernails to attack I hope she goes to jail. [00:33:51] Speaker C: Okay. When people complain about getting scratched by fingernail, I have absolutely no respect for them, ever. Because if you've never been scratched by a cat claw, fingernails do fuck all. [00:34:03] Speaker A: Yeah. This dumbass. I can't wait to see what happens with her. Actually, I'm never going to find out because I don't really care that like, I can see Courtney doing this, though. Like, I have a seven year old at home. She's like you don't actually. [00:34:29] Speaker B: Oh, my God. So terrible. [00:34:33] Speaker A: But now on to am I the asshole? My favorite part of the podcast, am I the Asshole? By wedding dress in the att. I'm sure I'm like, just no. [00:34:52] Speaker C: I don't also know what Att stands for. [00:34:55] Speaker A: It's. Wedding dress in the att. Just saying. In the at tea. I don't know. Am I the asshole for going through my friend's closet to find my wedding dress? Two years ago, my husband and I were doing some renovations to our house. I didn't want my wedding dress to get damaged or lost in the process, which, considering we did lose a few things during the renovation, I was right to be concerned. My friend offered to keep it in her closet until renovations were done. After we finished the renovations, I asked my friend for the dress back. She kept saying that she'd get it back to me. I kept asking. She kept making up excuses. I found it weird. Now my sister's getting married, and she wanted to wear the dress. This was our mother's dress. [00:35:52] Speaker C: You just don't understand. [00:35:54] Speaker A: Not at all. [00:35:54] Speaker C: You just don't get it. [00:35:58] Speaker A: We always agreed we'd each wear it. I told my friend I needed it back. She claimed she couldn't find it. I was perplexed because how does it just get up and walk away? She apologized and offered to pay me for the cost of the dress, which I turned down because it wasn't about money. The dress was sentimental. I felt terrible that my sister couldn't wear it. My friend and her husband went away. I was there to water the plants and feed their dogs. I decided to go look myself. The closet was very cluttered. I eventually found the dress. I can totally believe that she missed where it was and that she wasn't being malicious in the slightest. The box was tucked behind a few larger ones containing seasonal clothes. I texted her saying I found the dress. Instead of being happy for me, she asked why I rummaged through her closet. I said I wanted to double check. She told me I had no right to go through her things, and I said, because of her clutter, my sister almost didn't get to wear a dress she always dreamed of. My friend told me that I could have asked her to look again, but I pointed out it took two years for her to even look in the first place. [00:37:16] Speaker C: Girl this is weird. Yeah. [00:37:19] Speaker B: No, she fully intended on keeping it. This wasn't no accident. You don't forget something like that. No, especially because of her reaction. Definitely. [00:37:37] Speaker C: It's weird. [00:37:39] Speaker A: Check out some comments. [00:37:41] Speaker C: Not the asshole. I don't think this individual is your friend. [00:37:46] Speaker A: I would have just taken it and never told her. Let her think that she lost her mind. Dude, that would have. Been brilliant to just steal the dress and then make her pay for it, because I don't know if your friend's going to your sister's wedding. If she's not. [00:38:08] Speaker B: She could have said you paid to have it recreated. [00:38:12] Speaker A: Yeah, and then you would have gotten money for the dress, and then you could make up a fucking number and be like, $10,000. [00:38:23] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. [00:38:25] Speaker C: This is just weird. Opie is not the asshole. [00:38:28] Speaker B: Yeah. Especially because it took her so long. I'm not buying that there wasn't foul play. [00:38:40] Speaker A: Yeah. Two years. That's crazy. [00:38:42] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:38:45] Speaker A: Not the asshole. If I was in your friend situation and I genuinely couldn't find the dress, I'd frankly have invited you to look around for it while in the house, doing me a favor. But I'm also the type of person who would just assume that someone I trust enough to water my plants and feed my dogs is also someone I trust in my space. Snooping is a fairly natural instinct, and you had a specific reason for it. Yeah, not the asshole. [00:39:16] Speaker C: No, I do the same. [00:39:18] Speaker A: You fucking pull out butt plugs and give it to cats. [00:39:22] Speaker C: No, seriously. For a while, me and, like, we would lend each other books, but sometimes we would forget about it. And so we just either Courtney be at my place or be at Courtney's place, and I just randomly start going through her library or vice versa to find the book that you were missing. [00:39:37] Speaker A: Yeah, no, it's like when you were fucking cat sitting in that butt plug. [00:39:43] Speaker C: I'm so glad the butt plug was moved. [00:39:45] Speaker A: The last day, someone broke in the house, and just like, this is all I want. [00:39:51] Speaker C: I don't know, I was just grateful that it was gone. [00:39:53] Speaker A: Did they ever say anything about it? [00:39:57] Speaker C: Oh, you know what? And literally, they brought one of the cats in last week because she was due for her yearly stuff, and she was such a little asshole, and so I got to wrap her up in a blanket and give her so many kisses against her will. She hates me so much, and she's got, like, a little bit of a cleft lip, so she looks so derpy. She looks incredibly derpy. [00:40:24] Speaker A: Okay, now I have another am I the asshole by throw away? Am I the asshole for breaking up with my girlfriend because she changed her looks to resemble my dead wife? [00:40:37] Speaker C: What the fuck? [00:40:39] Speaker A: I 35, male, was married to Laura for seven years. We have a son who is ten now. She was the light of my life. We were both 28 when we found out she had a rare form of cancer. She passed away five months later. This crushed me, and I felt like I was drowning in my grief for a long time afterwards. My son and I have been attending therapy weekly ever since. It's been tough, but I feel like we've made a lot of progress. I didn't feel up another relationship. For a while, I filled my time with hobbies friends, spending time with my son, my family. Then a little over a year ago, I met Kayla, 33, female, at a work event. We share a hobby that's pretty niche where I live, so we had a great time chatting about it. Eventually we go out together. She's great, but differing from my wife. I love her for who she is as an individual. I was hesitant at first, but after speaking with my therapist, I decided to try for a committed relationship. If we took it slow at first, she was amazing. I told her about my past, that my son comes first, even before our first official date. She was very compassionate and understanding about everything. After a few months of smooth sailing, I decided to introduce her to my son. They got along great as well. For the first time after Laura's death, I could see a possible future with somebody else. Eventually, everything started to go downhill. Around four months ago, she seemed a bit more distant than usual, so I sat down with her one night and asked her what was wrong. She teared up a bit and confessed that she felt like I had been neglecting her lately. Then she feels like I'm using her as some replacement for my dead wife. This came as a total shock. A part of me will always love Laura. I didn't feel like I was ignoring Kayla or anything. I asked for some specific examples. She didn't say much afterwards, but I feel guilty that I made her upset. I ended up apologizing and arranged for us to have a few more date nights, and she seemed happy again. A couple of weeks later, she had to go to a cousin's wedding. I couldn't attend myself because of work, but she was only gone for a day. When she got back, I asked to look at some pictures, but she said there hadn't been any of her. I thought this was a bit strange, but I didn't pry. The next day, a coworker of mine showed me one of a private page on Facebook. I was shocked to see an expensive pair of my wife's earrings on Kayla. No. In my son's room, there's a small cupboard with pictures of him and mom and letters from her and some of her prized jewelry. I checked it as soon as I came home, and the earrings were returned to the cupboard, but in a different spot. I confronted her and she got mad for assuming that she'd be so careless to lose her damaged earrings. I told her that I was hurt she'd go behind my back to take something with sentimental value, even if they were beautiful. She eventually broke down and apologized, and after a serious talk about boundaries, we moved on. Things improved for a while before her strange behavior started. It began with changing her hair color to match my wife's. My wife had a naturally light blonde hair that a lot of women dye their hair to today. So I thought it was strange, but I wrote it off as a beauty choice. Then she had regularly been straightening her hair. She has wavy hair and my wife's hair was pen straight. Then she also started to change her clothes to be more like my wife's, or at least the one she's seen in the pictures. She also had her ears double pierced and got a cartilage piercing like my wife's. This was all incredibly unnerving. She has said I was crazy. I'd asked my family and they said I was nuts, so I ignored it. Jesus, no. Then she brought up my son calling her Mama. I wasn't a huge fan of the idea, but if my son wanted it, I suppose that he'd be fine. Then she went on a whole rant about how it was different because he called my wife Mommy and it's not like she's stealing a title. He said no, and it was a bit cold to both of us for days. She seems like a totally different woman than the one I fell in love with. Eventually everyone around me said I was probably just nervous since my first relationship after Laura's death. The final straw was when she got a tattoo that was almost the exact same as my wife's. [00:46:17] Speaker C: Oh my God. What the fuck? [00:46:20] Speaker A: It was in the same spot, the same color, with just a slightly different design. This was my final straw. I sat her down and confronted her a week ago with everything. At first she denied it all, but then she broke down in tears and said I never loved her and that she felt like she had to live up to the memory of a ghost. This upsets me because I asked her what I did specifically and she wouldn't discuss it. Plus, she was the one being weird and copying Laura. She kept sobbing and saying I didn't love her. I got so sick of it. And I yelled at her, saying if she felt so unloved that we should break up. Honestly, I do like her, but I see how miserable she has been lately and I don't think a relationship is very good for her mental health. She got dead silent and left and drove away. I was just so tired of everything. Oh no. Later that night, she tried to commit suicide with pills and barely survived. [00:47:25] Speaker C: What the fuck? [00:47:26] Speaker A: She has no living family, so I was listed as our emergency contact. She wrote a long letter saying she loves me so much, but obviously I don't feel the same. That maybe if she was dead too. I'd love her even a fraction of how much I love my dead wife. [00:47:44] Speaker C: Fuck. [00:47:45] Speaker A: I'm distraught over this. She has been so strange lately. But before all of this, I really did love her. My mom and siblings say that I'm awful for pushing her to this point instead of ending it. I should have doubled down in reassuring my love for her. They all got along great and have been hinting at. They wanted us to get married and so my son would have a mother again and possibly some siblings. I really don't think I was the asshole, but my whole family is being cold to me and I have no idea what to do. They're saying I should go visit as soon as possible and support her what the fuck? To rekindle our relationship. I'm not even sure if I want to do that. She's so unhappy with me. With me. It says my I know, but this seems obsessed. Over my dead wife. I keep on thinking this and wondering if I should have reassured her of my love or broken up with her in more tactful way. Am I the asshole? [00:48:50] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Op. What the fuck? [00:48:53] Speaker A: I didn't think it was this long. [00:48:55] Speaker C: Oh, my God. This lady has issues. [00:48:58] Speaker B: Issues. [00:48:59] Speaker A: Okay, all three of you can go to therapy. Yeah, fucking don't get back together with her. [00:49:06] Speaker C: No, this is not good. This is not good. [00:49:09] Speaker A: 1%. Do not get back together with her. [00:49:12] Speaker C: This individual should not be raising a child. [00:49:15] Speaker A: She is putting unrealistic expectations on her own self. [00:49:21] Speaker C: Yes. No. She has done this to herself. [00:49:24] Speaker A: Introduce her to a therapist, not yours. [00:49:27] Speaker C: Yeah, no. Like, get her help, but do not invite her back into your life. You are not responsible for this. [00:49:37] Speaker A: And, yeah, sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes shit just hits the fan and that's really what it is. And that fucking sucks. [00:49:47] Speaker C: This shit's weird. [00:49:49] Speaker A: Let's see what the comments have to say. She seems disturbed. And your family wants this woman around your son big. No. [00:49:59] Speaker C: That's what I said. Continue. [00:50:03] Speaker A: Shit's about to get crazy. Get as far away as possible. Not the asshole, though. Not the asshole. She is mentally unwell. And you're not a doctor. Only a doctor can help her. [00:50:16] Speaker C: I love this. [00:50:17] Speaker A: I'm so sorry. This was your first experience dating after your loss. Your family has some sort of kids must be raised by a woman. So it's a widower's duty to remarry, no matter what. Blinders on. [00:50:34] Speaker C: Yes, that makes sense. [00:50:37] Speaker A: You're not the asshole. I see that. Your family wants you to be happy and wants your kid to have a mother again. And all this take care of yourself and you don't have to just jump right into some new shit. I'm sure she was just sad that she didn't get married, like, right away. I waited seven years before getting married. [00:51:07] Speaker C: No, I waited for seven years. You did not wait. I waited. That is not what that means. I waited. Paid off. [00:51:19] Speaker A: Yeah, best of luck to you, Op. That sucks. You're going to be fine. Talk about it in therapy. Move forward. And remember, the attempt was not your fault. [00:51:39] Speaker C: Absolutely not. This chick is nuts. [00:51:42] Speaker A: Yes, absolutely nuts. And relationship advice by throw RA consistent twelve. I 26, male, found her 28, female TikTok after we went on a date. This is honestly not something I expected to post about, but here's the thing. I have known this woman, 28, female, for a while, since we're in the same friend groups. She's a nice person, attractive, and honestly, I've always enjoyed my talks with her. A few weeks ago, I 26, male, asked her out on a date. I figured if she says no, it's fine, but she actually agreed. We went on this date Saturday, and honestly, I thought it was awesome. We went out to dinner, had drinks, spent the rest of the night talking, and even went on a walk on a walking bridge over the town's lake. Not a big one. I dropped her off and I was elated. [00:52:42] Speaker C: This sounds like a wonderful date. [00:52:44] Speaker A: I absolutely love the night. However, that night I was scrolling through TikTok on my bed and I post from her. I didn't follow nor knew she had a TikTok appeared on my For You page. Essentially, she said in the post, getting ready for the date that I really don't want to go to. That was like a bucket of ice being thrown on my head. I was so freaking happy. And then I just found out she didn't even want to go on a date with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she has to want it, but please let me know if that's the case. We didn't need to go out. We can even forget I even asked her out. But doing this on the Internet, it made me self conscious. Not sure if that's the right word. Now I'm unsure what to do. Should I tell her I saw this and just forget about it? Honestly, it really hurt me. I'm not really sure if I want to give this another try. I mean, she really didn't want to go out with me in the first place, right? TLDR asked out a chick on a date, discovered she had TikTok, indicating she didn't want to go out, feelings hurt, and unsure if to talk to her about it. [00:53:59] Speaker C: She said this before they went on the date, right? [00:54:02] Speaker A: Yes. [00:54:02] Speaker C: And then they proceeded to have an awesome date where they were like they went out to dinner, they spent time together, they had clearly well constructed conversations to the point where they are walking around town talking. Quite honestly, I can see the reality where she had just as good as what time is heated. She just didn't know that she was going to enjoy his company so much. [00:54:29] Speaker A: Here's what you do. [00:54:30] Speaker C: So it could be a rom.com. [00:54:32] Speaker A: Here's what you do. Op. Hilarious move. It's what you do. You copy the link of that TikTok and send it to her. Check out this hilarious TikTok that I found. Check this one out. Hilarious. [00:54:51] Speaker C: I mean, no matter what, Op should talk to her and either A, express his feelings or B, see if she wants to apologize and he can't make assumptions about how she feels. [00:55:02] Speaker A: The amount of times that I don't want to go out to karaoke and ended up going out anyway and having a great fucking time is crazy. Yeah, I'll go out and fuck, I don't want to do this karaoke bullshit. And then it's like, boom, I'm out at karaoke and fucking singing and having a good time and hanging out with friends and getting drunk. But it all starts with the fuck I have to get up and go do this goddamn fucking karaoke. God damn it. [00:55:36] Speaker C: Like, if you're having a bad date, you don't go on a walk around town with this individual talking that's not you're having a bad date. [00:55:44] Speaker A: But yeah, I mean, it could have been a good time, and she could have been like, you know what? I'm going to go eat my crow. I was wrong. And this dude's a really good dude, and I had a really good fucking time. [00:55:57] Speaker C: He won't know until he asks, what did the comments say? Does anyone else see our rose colored glasses? [00:56:02] Speaker A: All right, I'd comment on the post and ask if the date went well. [00:56:09] Speaker C: Yes. [00:56:18] Speaker A: Let's see. The thing for me is, who on earth would post that on TikTok and why? The potential answers tell you a lot. [00:56:34] Speaker B: Well, she probably never meant for him to see. [00:56:41] Speaker A: Know everything is content when you're fucking doing, like, Instagram. And like, I can't fucking be bothered to fucking post on Instagram and TikTok. I don't give a fuck. Even if I'm having a bad day, even if my neighbor's a dickhead, I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm easily just shut the fuck up about it and move on. Oh, and I put a mini fridge in my room in the office now. [00:57:15] Speaker C: Immediately took advantage of that. [00:57:17] Speaker A: So now there's alcohol on tap. Oh, my yeah, my wife has, like, beers in there, and I'm shoving all my beers. [00:57:26] Speaker C: Oh, my God. You put a mini fridge in here in less than 10 hours. I had beer in it. Think about that. Yeah, of course think about that. [00:57:35] Speaker A: It's a great time. [00:57:37] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. Kids are funny. [00:57:40] Speaker C: Too bad I can't make ice for you. [00:57:42] Speaker A: I mean, there's a fucking freezer in there. [00:57:44] Speaker C: There is. Yeah, put an ice tree in it. [00:57:47] Speaker A: I mean, yeah, I'll get to it. I literally just put it in today. [00:57:52] Speaker C: I know. Make plans. [00:57:55] Speaker A: Get to it. [00:57:57] Speaker C: Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I'm not pressuring you. [00:58:00] Speaker A: You hear this? She is pressuring the shit out of me. Like, go do this and this and this and this and this. [00:58:06] Speaker C: Plans. [00:58:07] Speaker A: I'm like, oh, get around to it. [00:58:10] Speaker C: I'm not telling you how to live your life, babe. [00:58:12] Speaker A: She's telling me how to live my life. I'm going to make a TikTok about my wife. Like, look at my wife. She's telling me to make ice. I'm like, yeah, I can just go get up and make my own ice. I could honestly fucking just run a water line into here and then just have it come off the fridge and then just be able to fill up ice trays. [00:58:34] Speaker C: I thought you were going to do that. [00:58:35] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, maybe working just stand up and excuse me like I have a gallon jug of water. Stand up for your rights, whatever, but that's it. That's all we got for this week. We fucking filled up the whole goddamn hour. You can go ahead and follow me on Instagram and all that nonsense. I don't really care. Eventually one day I might start caring about it. I say that all the time. Eventually one day I'm going to care about it. [00:59:14] Speaker C: Now that's a nice day. This nice thing, though, eventually never comes, does it? [00:59:19] Speaker A: Never will. Maybe I might have a fucking killer set and be like, oh, dude, this fucking one slapped hell yes. And then post that out. But for the most part, no, I really don't care. But you can go ahead and follow me on all those share, you know, other people's posts out there and whatnot. Alex a truck everywhere. Unfortunately, the comedy club Funny Pages is closed for the meantime for the foreseeable future. So if you do want to see me in Colorado Springs every Friday at 07:00 down at Salad or Bust, I'm doing comedy every second Friday in Colorado Springs over at Nano 108. That's a show put on by Trenton and Joe. Great fucking show. Great everything. So so beers. I'm not like a fancy beer, dude. And then every Monday in Durango, Colorado, at Starlight Lounge on Main Street. That starts at 08:00. So come on down, come see me. And if you're like, hey, I heard you on the podcast. I listen to your podcast. I'll buy you a beer or I'll buy you a drink or whatever the fuck you want. But this only goes out until I'm super duper famous. And then I won't be buying anyone beers. I'll be like, oh, you can talk to my security. I don't know. [01:01:12] Speaker B: Funny. [01:01:13] Speaker A: But thank you all. Bye.